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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think about leaving DH due to infertility

427 replies

backoftheplane · 19/02/2023 16:12

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 21/02/2023 15:10

backoftheplane · 21/02/2023 12:07

@Acinonyx2 thank you for sharing and I'm so glad that you had your dd. I fully understand that we may not be able to retrieve any sperm (particularly after he further explained the likely cause of the azoospermia) – I just feel as if we have to try. If it is impossible that is a very different thing to being unwilling to try – especially as you say it is a relatively minor procedure compared to childbirth and pregnancy. I know he is grieving and he is under so much pressure (it's difficult because so am I – for the same but different reasons, which makes it complicated). I'm just leaving things be for 2 months and then we need to have a proper discussion about things and work out a way forward for both of us.

Thank you also for reading the posts in full – it's quite frustrating to keep having posters tell me that ICSI doesn't need an operation when, for us, it most definitely would (which I should have clarified in my OP but have explained in so many subsequent posts!)

Show quote history

It’s ok to be not willing to try though. If that’s his perspective it’s perfectly valid. If you were the one with the issue and didn’t want to pursue it then you’d want your partner to respect that.

In that sense - being impossible and being unwilling to try aren’t in fact different in that they end in the same place - no kids.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/02/2023 15:45

OP does he have Kleinfelter’s ? Because that might add another layer of distress for him as a diagnosis, it can be hard to process I imagine.
Whatever the issue, you don’t have time to let him come to terms with it iver a year or two. He needs to realise that.

Golaz · 21/02/2023 16:37

Reddahlias · 21/02/2023 14:43

Met daughters father at 37. Daughter born at 39.
Is he the man I dreamt of? Hell no. But that guy didn’t want kids with me.
Did I make the right decision for me? Hell yes

Interesting that your desire for children was stronger than that for a 'dream' partner for life.

The 18 child rearing years actually pass very quickly and it's nice to have a happy fulfilling relationship with your partner during, and more importantly, after that time.

I’d 100% choose children over a partner. I think most people with children would say the same..

Johnisafckface · 21/02/2023 16:38

Hbh17 · 19/02/2023 16:48

To me, staying in a good relationship would be the priority, alongside respecting ap artner's choices about their own health. But then I have never understood the burning wish some people have to have children.
I guess you have to imagine how you would feel if you left and then still couldn't/didn't have a child....

This. I couldn't imagine ending it with my partner because he couldn't have children. And I know if the roles were reversed I wouldn't want to go thru all the extra extensive poking, jabbing, tests, scans, jumping thru hoops to check/resolve my infertility.

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

KimberleyClark · 21/02/2023 17:00

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

Me too.

Golaz · 21/02/2023 17:15

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

For me it’s not about seeing a partner as a “means to have children”. A partner is something separate and valuable in their own right.

But if I had to choose between going without my partner or going without my children, I know there wouldn’t be a hesitation or contest.

And if being with a specific person meant I was never able to become a mother (through whatever means) the sacrifice of a life of childlessness wouldn’t be worth it to me.

Theroad · 21/02/2023 17:21

That's so tricky. I can imagine it's been a huge weight for him to process. I guess it depends how good your relationship is/was before this news and how desperately you want DC.

Personally my desire to have children would have superceeded any relationship but if you leave at 38 there is no guarantees you'd find what you're looking for in time.

It has to be handled with kid loves initially, as it's obviously hugely disappointing and ego damaging, but you can't afford to tiptoe around it forever so I think after giving him some time to process (few months) I would have a cards on the table, frank conversation about it. I would absolutely be pushing him to have the tests/procedures required and if he was still resistant and was adamant he wasn't even going to try then I'd leave.

Purposely deciding to not have children is a completely valid choice but having that option potentially taken away from you by someone else when you really want it can only result in bitterness and resentment surely? The relationship would probably end anyway so if he's not even going to try then it's not worth muddling through when you still have a little time left to find someone else.

good luck.

Reddahlias · 21/02/2023 17:50

I’d 100% choose children over a partner. I think most people with children would say the same..

I have a partner and children. Of course we love our children very much, but the 18 or so years of raising them is hard work and now that they're both young adults and have left home, I am very happy to have a wonderful partner to share my life with!

In my experience having children is just one aspect of a loving and fulfilling relationship.

Reddahlias · 21/02/2023 17:51

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

Me too!

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 17:58

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

OP's not having to make the choice between the two. She just wants him to talk to her.

Golaz · 21/02/2023 18:16

Reddahlias · 21/02/2023 17:50

I’d 100% choose children over a partner. I think most people with children would say the same..

I have a partner and children. Of course we love our children very much, but the 18 or so years of raising them is hard work and now that they're both young adults and have left home, I am very happy to have a wonderful partner to share my life with!

In my experience having children is just one aspect of a loving and fulfilling relationship.

Your children don’t stop becoming your children when they turn 18 and leave home though. The grief of involuntary childlessness is also about the grief of growing old and never having grandchildren, worrying about who will care for you when you are old, who to leave your assets to etc.

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 18:39

Agree with @Reddahlias . My DC are now adult and think they don’t want chn of their own. I’m happy with not having GC. We have our own plans anyway. As for having people to care for me in my old age, I wouldn’t rely on family anyway. They could live abroad as many of my family do.

Original poster
backoftheplane · 21/02/2023 18:41

@Golaz i definitely agree… I know that as a parent there is no guarantee of being a grandparent, but it would be nice to think it could be a part of my future. I see my parents getting so much joy from my sister’s children and I’m so sad that I will never have that. Also, my siblings and I have a different kind of relationship with my parents now that we are older and I know that also gives my parents a lot of joy. So I am also grieving losing the possibility of enjoying spending time with adult children (if anything I think my dad enjoys this part of parenting more - kids and particularly teenagers are stressful!)

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 18:42

Would you consider adoption?

Original poster
backoftheplane · 21/02/2023 18:43

@Benjispruce4 have you actually read my OP?

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 18:50

Sorry OP. Hadn’t read to the end.

Stewball01 · 21/02/2023 18:58

@confettipig
I agree 100 pct with what you said.
DS had this problem. He got treatment, my d.i.l had her eggs removed and fertilised and got pregnant first time. They now have 4 children, treatment needed for the first only. The rest came naturally.

Reddahlias · 21/02/2023 19:04

Your children don’t stop becoming your children when they turn 18 and leave home though. The grief of involuntary childlessness is also about the grief of growing old and never having grandchildren, worrying about who will care for you when you are old, who to leave your assets to etc.

Yes, I understand that and yes, having children and grandchildren is great.

However the topic came up in the context of choosing BETWEEN a loving lifelong partner OR having children (with a man you don't love as much).

And my answer would be the former.

KimberleyClark · 21/02/2023 19:11

Golaz · 21/02/2023 18:16

Your children don’t stop becoming your children when they turn 18 and leave home though. The grief of involuntary childlessness is also about the grief of growing old and never having grandchildren, worrying about who will care for you when you are old, who to leave your assets to etc.

Show quote history

Who will care for me when I’m old is not something I think about very much. It’s not a good reason to have children anyway. And having children is no guarantee that they will be there for you when you’re old, and it’s no guarantee of having grandchildren either.

Whiskeypowers · 21/02/2023 19:25

The world is full of adult children involved in their parents care, especially in this country!

it’s also not an easy decision to leave someone you love because they can’t or won’t have kids but the fact is for many many women (and let’s face it is is mostly women) becoming a mother at some point overrides that. It is inconvenient and possibly selfish but it happens. A lot. Ask me and others on this thread / beyond they’ll tell you this.

i also think that there are many many men and women who would be “amazing” parents and biologically probably could be but who don’t want children and don’t have them. That’s nobody’s business to educate on, yes possibly grieve for those who are in relationships with them but it is often hope against hope.

The truth is that even in the most loving, equal and trusting relationship there are times when a unit must make a decision for themselves. This is one of them.

Mumof3confused · 21/02/2023 21:45

Mr Ramsay is back now, I had a meeting with him just a few weeks ago. I’m not sure if he’s back seeing patients but it would be worth checking just in case that becomes an option.

ElonsMusky · 21/02/2023 21:51

Wow. I feel like the poll results would be the exact opposite if a guy was posting about leaving his wife bc she's infertile.

The reason you notice this:
I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

is because of bias and sexism/double standards and nothing more. It's equally fucked up, IMO.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 22/02/2023 00:59

Benjispruce4 · 21/02/2023 16:43

I’d choose partner over children. When I met my DH I wanted to spend my life with him no matter what. He wasn’t simply a way to have children .

The biological drive to have a child is a strong one and a valid one. It's no good staying with a partner who won't even communicate with you, let alone one that you will resent because you can't have a child.

QueenCamilla · 22/02/2023 01:36

He has every right to ignore issue and choose not to have children (just like a woman would). And you have every right to be devastated by that and choose to leave (the same as I'd advise a man to do).

In your shoes, I'd most definitely explore donor sperms option and do it with him or without. You'd be mad to forego having a child because of this situation.
The relationship is doomed anyway, so please have a good think in the hard light of reality about your options.

The counselling didn't work because you know you're heading down the wrong path.

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