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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect him to pay

166 replies

Robinkitty · 19/02/2023 09:48

If you paid for a weekend away, brought dinner the first night would you expect the other person to pay for food the next night? Important to add the other person is skint and the food intended to be ordered cost less than £20?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 19/02/2023 14:00

Robinkitty · 19/02/2023 12:04

I’m actually really sad about this, I do think I’m being used and hate myself for letting it happen. Fucking dick I am!
Just to make it clear, he would happily buy himself a takeaway at other times (when I’m not there) skint as in being careful not buying designer trainers and not skint enough to pay your own way.

I thought you said you knew what £20 meant to a skint person.

BMW6 · 19/02/2023 14:03

What kind of person goes on a trip paid for by another and doesn't at least get some meals as a Thank You?

As for him being skint, if I were that poor I'd thank the person for the offer but decline as I wouldn't be able to pay for some meals etc as a Thank You.

I'd have suggested instead that we pool our limited resources and do something together on a cheaper scale.

It's basic manners!

AhNowTed · 19/02/2023 14:06

So OP paid for the trip, paid for the first nights dinner, and when the takeaway arrived he just what, stared blankly like a dummy?

Yeah, id be pretty put off by that.

Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 14:08

AhNowTed · 19/02/2023 14:06

So OP paid for the trip, paid for the first nights dinner, and when the takeaway arrived he just what, stared blankly like a dummy?

Yeah, id be pretty put off by that.

Same.

I know people hate this phrase on MN but it would give me the ick.

diddl · 19/02/2023 14:08

Would explain the misuse of brought too… Journalism standards are terrible these days.

There is no misuse of "brought".

PaigeMatthews · 19/02/2023 14:10

I will lay some boundaries now

before this weekend away, what was your last date with him like? Where did you go? What did you do?

because tbh laying some boundaries now is a poor choice. Really you need to raise your standards completely.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 14:11

I will lay some boundaries now, no more of my money will be spent on him!

Very wise OP, and by doing this you'll probably find the problem will solve itself - though maybe not without a few "Could you justs ..." on his way out

It's lovely to be generous, but often worth finding out how the land lies before splashing out too much on somebody new

Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 14:11

diddl · 19/02/2023 14:08

Would explain the misuse of brought too… Journalism standards are terrible these days.

There is no misuse of "brought".

Not now OP has clarified this was a self-catering holiday and she went to the supermarket in advance.

The grammar police have gone a bit quiet now...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/02/2023 14:14

You are both "skint"
but he earns more than you and you are a single mum.
You are generous.
He is tight and happy to let you pay for everything.

Lots of posters seem to have picked up on him being skint...but You said that he would happily have spent £20 on a takeaway for himself, but he wouldn't offer to do that to share it with you.

So that is the inbalance here.

I hope this isn't an overreach did this happen because you feel you have to keep him engaged/happy when he's with you?
Does it seem to you that you are keener on him than he is on you and you wanted to please him?
Because if you felt that then you are really buying his affection and it will never be enough.

Does he ever "treat" you in any way, or make you feel special or make you feel like you are important to him? If none of that is the case, then he does come across as a bit of a sponger and this is the early days of the relationship so it won't get any better.

This doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. Save your scant savings for your children and don't make any more lavish gestures for someone who seems unlikely to be as generous at sharing as you are.

diddl · 19/02/2023 14:15

Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 14:11

Not now OP has clarified this was a self-catering holiday and she went to the supermarket in advance.

The grammar police have gone a bit quiet now...

Show quote history

I think that she had clarified before most decided to be smart arses about it!

diddl · 19/02/2023 14:16

I will lay some boundaries now, no more of my money will be spent on him!

Why wouldn't you just dump him?

Indáirire · 19/02/2023 14:21

I wouldn't date someone who is skint.

Thelnebriati · 19/02/2023 14:29

I wouldn't expect anyone to be a mind reader and then act hurt when they don't act the way you want. Its passive aggressive.
Just discuss everything first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2023 14:39

He sounds pretty tight if he’s earning more than you. Presuming that he’s got money, just not loads, he never should have allowed you to pay for dinner the first night. He must think he’s onto a real winner here.

Has he ever got anything for you? Did he bring any wine etc? At the very least, I’d be expecting a substantial bunch of florist flowers.

Strawberrydelight78 · 19/02/2023 14:39

I think you've seen him in his true colours. When you both get back the best thing to do is walk away. Don't allow yourself to be used like that.

daisychain01 · 19/02/2023 15:03

Please please @Robinkitty dont beat yourself up about being a kind and generous person wanting to make things special in your new relationship. If it were me I wouldn't be able to get over the fact he's a gold-plated, dyed in the wool tightwad, he's at fault not you.

People like him will never change, cut free and find someone who cares and isn't just a taker.

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 15:07

hes not skint hes tight theres a difference

daisychain01 · 19/02/2023 15:12

HRTQueen · 19/02/2023 13:59

If someone is skint then they are skint there is no money

if others choose to treat them that is their choice also a choice to take this up

I personally don’t as there have been many times and I have not got any spare money even £20 spare for dinner it’s nothing to some but to many it’s part of their budget that goes towards essentials

Me thinks you're being obtuse here.

It's poor etiquette to go away on a weekend trip, knowing full well you don't have the funds to put your hands in your clamped shut wallet and offer to pay for any aspect of that occasion.

You suggest that the trip needs to wait for another occasion because you've got some essential bills that need to be covered.

This man is a tightwad who's happy to take (not least of all from someone he knows is a single parent) and give nothing back. I'm surprised he isn't embarrassed but people like him have a brass-neck and no social conscience.

HRTQueen · 19/02/2023 15:18

That’s why I said it’s also his choice to take it up daisychain01

I wouldn’t but I know many would

Applesandcarrots · 19/02/2023 15:30

Robinkitty · 19/02/2023 12:39

No it was more of “I have £100 saved up and I thought it would be really nice to get away together for the weekend, would you like to come?” “yes that would be nice” “ok I’ll go to the supermarket and get dinner for the first night and some bread and milk”

Show quote history

Sorry, this sounds like you are covering it.

How long have you been together?

I would tone down the "being used". By the sound of it you were covering the weekend. It's not using someone. It's misunderstanding simply about what you expected. You shoudl have very clearly state "and you can get dinner on second day" if that is what you wanted.
Clarity is always the best thing to prevent issues. If even with that issues arise, then there is an actual problem and solution will be different.

catfunk · 19/02/2023 15:36

I wouldn't 'expect' anything until I knew more about their financial situation.
Increasing numbers of people are posting on here about living off a loaf of bread for a week and using food banks, so I wouldn't expect people to be able to pay £20 no

catfunk · 19/02/2023 15:39

On reading your update it sounds like you wanted to cover the weekend.

Set expectations next time in advance

tothelefttotheleft · 19/02/2023 16:22

Robinkitty · 19/02/2023 12:04

I’m actually really sad about this, I do think I’m being used and hate myself for letting it happen. Fucking dick I am!
Just to make it clear, he would happily buy himself a takeaway at other times (when I’m not there) skint as in being careful not buying designer trainers and not skint enough to pay your own way.

I do this too op. Every relationship I have. I just don't learn.

Rodneyisaplonker · 19/02/2023 16:42

Ok, so he’s not actually skint. Not being able to afford designer clothes doesn’t make you skint. He actually earns more than you and I assume has higher disposable income.

you don’t need to pay a man to be with you op. Find someone who wants to be with you and will treat you with respect. Don’t pay for it.

Starseeking · 19/02/2023 16:53

There's no way on earth you should have taken this man away, knowing you were struggling yourself as a single parent, paying for this weekend away from your savings, and that he was, in his own words "skint".

He's shown himself to be extremely tight OP, if he knew your circumstances and didn't pay for a bean. If I were you, I'd get rid of him now.