To feel resentful over grief

[ManorHall7]

This is a long one bear with. Been with DH since teenagers over 20 years. Married 14 two young primary aged children. Fil passed away 15 years ago. Left mil and SIL. DH always had a slightly enmeshed relationship with her I have on many occasions been second best in important situations and scenarios, unfortunately for me I put up with it. We have always lived 5 minutes away ,he wouldphone or text every day and call in 4 5 times a week. I never had a terrible relationship but weren't mega close and I was on occasion resentful. She could be difficult and obstinate too. DH suffers from ocd and anxiety ftom childhood never sorted by his parents. I had terrible childhood both parents died young and when I was young. He has SIL but she is very emotionally immature and has always relied on DH rather than her own DH.

MIL passed away 7 weeks ago, following 6 weeks in hospital unexpectedly. She was just 80. Not a decriped lonely old lady. Active and busy social life. It was extremely difficult period in hospital as DH was visiting twice a day -prior to any end of life diagnosis. I was working managing children house etc. I have a long term chronic health condition requiring monthly hospital treatment and peri menopausal. Then obviously during pallative he was understandably at hospital large proportion of time .

Since her passing it has understandably a difficult period especially for him but also our older child who has been very upset. During all this time I have been helping practically and trying emotionally but have been DH emotional punchbag. He is full of regrets etc all normal but blames me for not having her for dinner more etc. He isn't working at the moment signed off but is just started counselling. He keeps stating he doesn't know how he's going go live without her etc.

He is out seeing friends , social sporting activities going to gym etc I have encouraged this however he is also glued to his phone constantly messaging etc. He barely talks to me the atmosphere isn't great and affecting the children. I gave suggested just us getting out of the house he nods but never happens yet he is arranging his boys nights etc. I am still doing all house , managing children and working

I know it's really early days in terms of grief but I am struggling to deal with getting all the crap end of DH whilst everyone esle is getting the nearly normal part. I cannot see anyway through at the moment

It's also bought out anger and resentment in me. I have always done things to placate him and his relationship with MIL. Never asked you move further away etc. Always split Christmases, last wishes on mother's day. I am angry he hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge how much perimenopause has affected me and how much my illness does. I am always told eat exercise more etc it will make it better etc

Has anyone got through this successfully

If he was an arse before then yanbu. If not then let him grieve. It took my partner over a year to get back to himself after losing a parent. It was hard and at times I thought he was a selfish arse but he wasn't before the loss so I held on with the knowledge that he wasn't thinking straight due to his loss.

Some of the behaviour is there from before I guess I didn't know what expect now he must seems even more selfish and i am worried about the effect on our children too who are also grieving

The grief will fade . You will then have a fully present DH. I'd give him a bit longer if I were you . He obvwas a good son and I'm sure as time passes that will make him a good DH. I think he should be looking for some kind of work though . Which will help him from being too inward looking . As well as the finances of course !

it can take a long time to get over the loss of a mother. Do you have a son? I dont know if it is different for sons, but I know of several male friends who have mourned their mothers very deeply for a very long time, as in off work for months, ADs, etc

7 weeks is nothing however if your marriage wasn't great in the first place grief might have more of a damaging impact. Have you said how you feel? Although the timing of such a conversation needs to be thought of with care. Can you arrange a family day out?

Apologies he has a good job just signed off for two months

I haven't in so many words as I don't 🤔 it's probably right for a marriage talk. We had a good marriage but lots of issues around MIL. He did even by his own accounts have a very intense relationship with her, it's very hard to hear him repeatedly saying he doesn't think he will get through this or past it when we have young children

I do have a son yes. I lost both my parents young and in very different circumstances I had a very difficult childhood abusive etc so my experience of grief is very different

In the kindest way it’s not the time for your struggles to be acknowledged in that way - it may come across as competitive. It’s still very early days. I hope it all works out for you both.

I completely understand this I feel very resentful he has never been able to acknowledge or even know the full extent of my childhood and difficulties. He has never wanted to know.

Also I have beeb pretty much doing childcare working housework etc for over 3 months and I understand but if he finds time for his friends gym etc whilst it is good i feel a tad irritated

I know i was very difficult to live with for the first year after my mum died, but I would say to find someone just for you to talk to as you won't necessarily get that emotional support from a partner, I know my dh lent on his sister while he supported me and ran the house - and I am so grateful he did, I was in no fit state.

Hi OP, did you have another thread about this recently? Personally I feel that grieving can be done while doing the dishes, working, hoovering, looking after your own children, and going to the gym or pub with friends. All of these things are distracting and a reminder that however sad your are, life goes on. If you have small children, they need you. You need him to be present too.

Your DH mum dying is sad but in the natural order of things, e.g, not like when a parent loses a child.

I think he should be going back to normal house duties, and also back to work probably, to stop himself wallowing further.

I lost a parent when my children were 3 and 4, I was on my own minding them 2 or 3 days after the funeral. The grieving takes a long time, but it doesn't stop you from completing normal day to day tasks.

I think as he is not working he needs to look after the house, and you should communicate your needs to him.

Yes i did obviously things haven't really changed and probably got worse. I don't expect any normality but we have children and my oldest is struggling a little which means everything is falking to me.

I am of similar thoughts to you but appreciate everyone is different. My nan unfortunately who is elderly and very black and white just simply said he is also a husband and a father and needs to get back to it. I took this with a pinch of salt as she's of a different generation

@ManorHall7 - tbh I kind of agree with your Nan. The majority of adults don't have the option to just opt out of work and looking after their children, when their elderly parent dies. Sorry if I sound harsh. My sibling died by suicide when I was a young adult and I really needed to get back to work to stop myself going down a hole.

Can you arrange a 'meeting' with your DH to discuss him starting to help and engage again? Could he and your grieving DD do a project, something creative or active or take a short trip to celebrate MIL. It's not fair that he's blaming you for not inviting his mum round to dinner enough. Hopefully counselling will help.

Also I think it is quite hard for you because of losing your parents so young. He could acknowledge that.

Your nan is right.

Whats he like in general before this as a husband and father? Was he attentive, loving, proactive. Did you always feel like his number 1 apart from this thing with his mum? Who's he messaging constantly. Honestly you sound miserable and it doesn't sound new to me - is it time to consider separation once the initial grief subsides? Sorry but thats how I'd feel by now if I were you. You don't sound important to him at all.

I’ll be skinned alive for saying this but at 80, she lived a full life and while he will be sad and grieve for his mum, when you have kids and responsibilities life goes on doesn’t it? It sounds like he’s coping less well than a typical man his age after losing their mother at 80. It sounds like he’s being quite selfish actually.

Grief does strange things to people. He needs space and understanding, though you need to put some boundaries in place an not allow him to use you as your emotional punching bag. Something as simple as calmly saying please do not talk to me like that and then walking away will show him that it is not OK.

I highly suggest counseling for yourself. You can not change him, but you can learn how to help yourself.

But he's had 7 weeks and is running a successful social life whilst ignoring his family and bunking off work. This is not ok!

I should also say that I agree that he needs to get back into his life. I do not think that taking 2 months to grieve is necessarily the best choice to make. He is opening himself up to getting stuck there. Some normality will help.

I don't think it was either but his family GP suggested it. I think some sort of restricted hours is better. As he's now just at a loose end.

He hates the evenings as he would normally call his mum. So it makes it difficult for us. We have house projects which I have encouraged him to do but he doesn't want to.

We haven't even reached the hard stuff like clearing the house etc yet. He has started counselling which I am hoping will help but it's not the time to suggest relationship counselling at the moment.

Honestly probably never felt his mum number 1. He is pro active if it's something he wants to do and is normally good with the children but will always sort his social life out gym sports etc first.

He's messaging his friends and sister mainly. Which means evenings of silence and i last night said how unhappy I was and he wasn't really worried xx

Is he due to go back next to work next week?
Maybe you'll see an improvement once he's back in to his routine.
Your nan is correct - it is possible to grief whilst continuing to be a partner and father.
My mother died very suddenly, and not at an age where you'd say she had lived a full life.
It broke my heart, but dinner still needed to be made for my children that night. They still needed bathing, putting to bed and looking after every day.
It's not ok that you and the children are getting all the negatives and he's keeping the positive for his social life

I think it is not fair for him to treat you badly

grief is not an excuse to treat your partner badly

i would be kind but also tell him when he is being unfair to you

(i say this is someone who only lost their mum last year)

A significant loss like this can really change a person. Obviously people die and we all have to accept that but an unexpected death, a too-soon death, the loss of someone who was part of who you are can be something that permanently alters you. He might never get past it, in the sense that he may never be the person you knew again.