To feel resentful over grief

[ManorHall7]

This is a long one bear with. Been with DH since teenagers over 20 years. Married 14 two young primary aged children. Fil passed away 15 years ago. Left mil and SIL. DH always had a slightly enmeshed relationship with her I have on many occasions been second best in important situations and scenarios, unfortunately for me I put up with it. We have always lived 5 minutes away ,he wouldphone or text every day and call in 4 5 times a week. I never had a terrible relationship but weren't mega close and I was on occasion resentful. She could be difficult and obstinate too. DH suffers from ocd and anxiety ftom childhood never sorted by his parents. I had terrible childhood both parents died young and when I was young. He has SIL but she is very emotionally immature and has always relied on DH rather than her own DH.

MIL passed away 7 weeks ago, following 6 weeks in hospital unexpectedly. She was just 80. Not a decriped lonely old lady. Active and busy social life. It was extremely difficult period in hospital as DH was visiting twice a day -prior to any end of life diagnosis. I was working managing children house etc. I have a long term chronic health condition requiring monthly hospital treatment and peri menopausal. Then obviously during pallative he was understandably at hospital large proportion of time .

Since her passing it has understandably a difficult period especially for him but also our older child who has been very upset. During all this time I have been helping practically and trying emotionally but have been DH emotional punchbag. He is full of regrets etc all normal but blames me for not having her for dinner more etc. He isn't working at the moment signed off but is just started counselling. He keeps stating he doesn't know how he's going go live without her etc.

He is out seeing friends , social sporting activities going to gym etc I have encouraged this however he is also glued to his phone constantly messaging etc. He barely talks to me the atmosphere isn't great and affecting the children. I gave suggested just us getting out of the house he nods but never happens yet he is arranging his boys nights etc. I am still doing all house , managing children and working

I know it's really early days in terms of grief but I am struggling to deal with getting all the crap end of DH whilst everyone esle is getting the nearly normal part. I cannot see anyway through at the moment

It's also bought out anger and resentment in me. I have always done things to placate him and his relationship with MIL. Never asked you move further away etc. Always split Christmases, last wishes on mother's day. I am angry he hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge how much perimenopause has affected me and how much my illness does. I am always told eat exercise more etc it will make it better etc

Has anyone got through this successfully

I didn't expect to be first during hospital etc grieving I did what I needed for the kids

Honestly OP you sound so worn down. I'm Honestly so sorry for you.

I think you maybe it's time to assert some boundaries. Let him deal with MIL estate. If his sister is a wet blanket let him deal with that also. When the accusations start round on him and tell him he has no right or foundation to accuse you.

I personally think for me, I'd never be able to forgive him but you'll know what to do for the best. Even if he retracts his actions and words.....they cut very deep. He's being a selfish weak article. Even taking 2 months off is an excuse to wallow in self pity.

From everything you've posted OP, you are bottom of his priority list.

2 months off work is a long time, I didn't even get that when I lost my DH1 suddenly. It isn't a competition but just to say, I really needed to get back to some sense of normality and routine to stop myself from sinking into an emotional abyss. It was very hard but it did work having some structure to the day when everything else felt so raw.

it sounds like your DH is using the 2 months to organise his own personal social activities with his mates etc which is all very well, but giving you no consideration and not being bothered what you think or feel is really selfish. If he's grieving, then there's nothing wrong diverting his attention to socialising but not at the expense of your relationship. He sounds selfish and uncaring, taking you for granted, going back long before his mother's death.

Is it perhaps because he thinks you will be relieved that she’s gone. So he is blaming you for it because he knows you don’t feel the loss the way he does.

It’s not right at all. I expect my DH to go into a guilt/grief spiral when his parents die because he’s the opposite - great husband but kind of a crappy son. He loves them but doesn’t make time for them. If they ask for something he’d be there immediately but they aren’t his first or second choice of company.

My nan unfortunately who is elderly and very black and white just simply said he is also a husband and a father and needs to get back to it. I took this with a pinch of salt as she's of a different generation

Surprising that you dismiss your Nan's wise words. He absolutely is a husband and a father. Why aren't you holding him to account, he's an adult and needs to step up.

You seem so passive towards his behaviour towards you. It really isn't how it should be, you should be side by side, not some after-thought.

Adults aren’t always entitled to just wallow in ‘feelings’ and use it as an excuse to neglect their responsibilities and be rude to their family. With the greatest of respect she was 80, and he’s what? In his 50s? Of course he will be grieving but his reaction is more like one of that to a shocking, untimely death. He needs to get back to his adult life and stop being selfish

I agree he has acknowledged some of this but it doesn't sink in. We are early 40s

Has his counselling been booked? He needs help. I started to change after my first session when my DH died. Honestly though, 8 years later and I'm still affected by it so don't expect a quick change!

Also, I appreciate exactly your situ, my DH died when I was in my late 40's, he was just 50yo. Our kids were 13 and 14yo and whilst i took a few months off work, I then went back full time cos I had to. I have life long medical conditions, my DS has ASD and my DD has CFS. It has been just me doing everything since then. It's relentless. You need a break, but don't ever get one.

Be kind to yourself, your not super woman, find a way of living that works for you and if that's one pot cooking, so be it.
Good luck x

He’s annoyed because YOU didn’t have his mum round for Sunday dinner more? Why didn’t HE have her round for Sunday dinner more?!

It doesn’t sound as if he likes you very much, and her dying has just made it more noticeable.

Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss 💐. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing your DH or DW.

Small things like this are big things to him. I honestly think some of it is due his mother also just not being a very good one sometimes. He has suggested he felt second best to his DSis who doesn't work much left her children there all the time and was around more. Because he had a seperate family with my adopted family I think she was resentful.

He suffers from very bad ocd too from childhood which was never addressed and if it was my child I would of sought help.
It's such a massive complicated mess and I just don't have much strength maybe it's made me realise how much I have been taken for granted

It doesn’t sound as if he likes you very much, and her dying has just made it more noticeable - from a few posts upthread. Sums it all up.

OP you can get Relate counselling on your own; to help you reflect on the whole thing and where you want to go. He simply does not get to treat you like dirt because his mum died. I lost my mum when I was young, my dad was an alcoholic, difficult childhood etc. I don't get any free passes to be an arsehole because of this, so I certainly don't see that someone losing an elderly mother does! Some of the earlier posts beggar belief - YOU sound needy?! He needs more time to book more days out with his mates?! This isn't normal, its not ok.

I have to say I have experienced some of this with my H; he never acknowledged what my life must have been like when I was younger, yet when his mother died in her 70s it was the end of the world and he too said things like I should have done more for her - it seems some men have form for this. Mine's a STBExH BTW because this sort of shit doesn't come alone.

Get some counselling yourself and put some boundaries in. Maybe if you are doing everything on your own anyway he can just move into his mum's house for a while then he can really wallow in it. Desperately unfair on your kids, get a grip and get him one whilst you're at it.

Just wanted to pick up on the OCD thing too, I know some people on here will think you're saying he likes things tidy, but my DD is housebound by the extent of her OCD which is thoughts of being worthless etc. - so I can definitely understand that, and you know years ago the treatments didn't exist that do now, people just thought it was about cleanliness or things being tidy (contamination OCD) - so maybe he needs more than counselling, he could ask his GP if he can seek a formal OCD diagnosis, and he'd then benefit from a trial of medication like prozac or sertraline. Lots to unpick there, but as an adult he doesn't get to sideline his young family to this.

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem i understand the OCD issues but as an adult parent his mother was aware and never reassured him or suggested help. I am not sure whether that's because some of the control from her would have gone

I was hoping side by side but it really isn't but perhaps that will change

I was hoping side by side but it really isn't but perhaps that will change

You’ve been together for 20 years. Has it been side-by-side for any of that?

I really feel for you. When my beloved parent died I had three small children, one of whom was waking me up in the night still. I didn’t stop being their primary caregiver and I think the only tiny bit of space I had to grieve is when I said I wouldn’t go out for dinner with friends because I was too tired. Honestly, your DH sounds pretty self centred.

no advice. I guess you should give him a few more months compassionate leave but he doesn’t need a complete pass on helping at home!

Hi Op

Your husband grief process is obviously at very early stages,

I do think already, he is clearly showing signs potential of complex grief,syndrome, as it was looks clearly like he was in emeshed engtanglement relationship with his mother,

I do think he needs good bereavement loss therapy, and also effective therapy that speacilises/ looks into the effects of a childhood like he experienced too,

I really think it's a bad idea, to have a talk about your childhood now at this time of grieving process he is going through,

As its looks like you are in competition with him,

even though your unresolved issues with your childhood need to be addressed,

the best way to address is seeking good therapy that Speacialises in childhood traumas,

Healing the hurt of inner child as a Adult therapy,

Also lean in with support from good friends you can trust aswell as certain family members who you can count on, ect

It's not fair on him to expect him to be supportive right now,

When he is plunged deep into grief 😔 process,

I do however feel he should help/do equal share with some household chores around house,

As moping around the house, will not be good for him emotionally too,

I think it's a balance,

Distraction is beneficial but only to a certain extent, /degree

I do think get why you feel or starting to feel resentful of the fact life was cruel to you as a child,

You definitely were not nurtured (you were neglected ect,

So feel cheated of good secure childhood and also cruellest of all, too of cause your parents died young,

You were cheated out of opportunity to find out/confront them about possible reasons why they were such crap 💩 poor parents to you,

Also you are suffering through Complex feelings /complex grief syndrome, not being acknowledged of losing negleful parents at such a young age/and Extremely shitty childhood,

I think you sound like you could be suffering Complex post traumatic childhood syndrome Op,

Seek therapy with someone experienced in that field of therapy,

I do feel you need to sometime later down the line when his grief is not so raw,

Don't rush him in this procces ect,

It would be healthy /good for both of you to acknowledge both the pain /confusion grief of child hood ect, traumas both of you experienced as children,

I think good Couple counselling could be beneficial to you both,

Sometime down the line too

Best of Luck x

I come from a really shitty background too, I get it

Thank you. I wouldnt bring up my childhood now but I will be seeking more help for myself.

He didn't have a traumatic childhood but obviously issues started to start the OCD and anxiety but not sure what

Do you know what re reading this thread and replies over the last few days and thinking and not really sleeping. Probably not is the answer.

I don't think I am equipped to help him and he has had two counselling sessions. My background probably isn't helping.

But i am just resentful of the years I wasted placating him with his DM. Some things really stick out as being hurtful but although at the time I let them slide they haven't gone away obviously. He's bitter I didn't do more for his DM not sure what esle I could do to be honest. I wasn't rude or argued with her didn't see her often but my children did.

I am sad he hasn't got his parents and this has happened and I understand he is grieving but it's just different to anyone I know who has been through similar.

I don't expect his undivided attention at this time but just a small thought. Maybe a getting out of the house together for a while. If he can manage his social side and friends I don't understandvwhy not.
I feel for our children as I really don't think this is something we will be able to get past and coming from my dysfunctional childhood it's not something I wanted

He's obviously been very comfortable criticising and berating you for your shortcomings over the years regarding his mother.

You have sucked it all up and been incredibly passive.

He has opted out of family life for months, leaving you to it and now is out having a whale of a time whilst he treats you and your children with contempt.

I suppose it is hardly surprising with his history of treatment of you.

I feel very sorry for you that you think this is acceptable and all you and your children deserve.

He's not a nice kind man, and hasn't ever really been in his treatment of you.

But we teach people how to treat us and as you are prepared to put up with him, this will be you lot.

Whilst I have heard of men being hit hard with grief, your tale of such utter selfishness for months, extended months off work and now out socialising while treating his family with contempt is from the abusers hand book IMO, and not one I have come across.

But if that is all you feel you deserve it will be all you get.

@billy1966 its very hard to read that as it sounds harsh. I understand he needs his friends and gym time etc that's good for him. He is better with the children now initially I didn't expect much as it wasn't fair with his DM in hospital etc. I don't know if we would benefit from counselling.

I am struggling to support my daughter who is understandably upset as she was close to her nan and DH is to upset to discuss things with her.

His treatment of me in the past isn't good and I think friends and family would day he had always put his DM first bit yes i made my bed and i have lied in it

But i will admit my reaction to grief probably isn't normal either I just had to get on with it and lack empathy I just want to shout at him he has a family and not to wallow but obviously that's not kind either

I don't expect his undivided attention at this time but just a small thought. Maybe a getting out of the house together for a while. If he can manage his social side and friends I don't understandvwhy not.

I think, perhaps, you are beginning to understand why he doesn’t. He obviously can, and this is what people are pointing out when they talk about him going out and having a whale of a time with his friends - it isn’t that he shouldn’t be doing that, it’s that he can do that with them so he can do some of that with you too. He is choosing not to.

I don't expect his undivided attention at this time but just a small thought.

you're his wife @ManorHall7 do you honestly believe that all you deserve is a small thought?

no, you deserve his undivided attention actually, and he has failed to give you even the meagre crumbs from his table.

could you try to change your perspective now that this has been highlighted to you? Being lonely in a relationship is a very painful thing. If only you'd been able to get this insight sooner.

even if the ship has sailed (your DH is unlikely to change now), you still have the opportunity to build your life on your own terms and create your own social circle - after all, your DH has done that, so follow his lead and look for fulfilment in relationships elsewhere as he doesn't sound like he's up to the job.

@daisychain01 no you are right I meant at the moment more so whilst he is grieving.
I have lots of friends and we have lots we have seen together but yes I don't have much time to myself

I broached the subject last night about it and he said it was easier going out there is no stress - I get that I am trying not to cause more stress especially now.

The phone he said its just constant messages from his friends etc which I understand but still it's full on. Perhaps it's an escape from the drudgery of what's going on and at home.
I am not sure what progress is going to be made from his counselling 3 session next week