To feel resentful over grief

[ManorHall7]

This is a long one bear with. Been with DH since teenagers over 20 years. Married 14 two young primary aged children. Fil passed away 15 years ago. Left mil and SIL. DH always had a slightly enmeshed relationship with her I have on many occasions been second best in important situations and scenarios, unfortunately for me I put up with it. We have always lived 5 minutes away ,he wouldphone or text every day and call in 4 5 times a week. I never had a terrible relationship but weren't mega close and I was on occasion resentful. She could be difficult and obstinate too. DH suffers from ocd and anxiety ftom childhood never sorted by his parents. I had terrible childhood both parents died young and when I was young. He has SIL but she is very emotionally immature and has always relied on DH rather than her own DH.

MIL passed away 7 weeks ago, following 6 weeks in hospital unexpectedly. She was just 80. Not a decriped lonely old lady. Active and busy social life. It was extremely difficult period in hospital as DH was visiting twice a day -prior to any end of life diagnosis. I was working managing children house etc. I have a long term chronic health condition requiring monthly hospital treatment and peri menopausal. Then obviously during pallative he was understandably at hospital large proportion of time .

Since her passing it has understandably a difficult period especially for him but also our older child who has been very upset. During all this time I have been helping practically and trying emotionally but have been DH emotional punchbag. He is full of regrets etc all normal but blames me for not having her for dinner more etc. He isn't working at the moment signed off but is just started counselling. He keeps stating he doesn't know how he's going go live without her etc.

He is out seeing friends , social sporting activities going to gym etc I have encouraged this however he is also glued to his phone constantly messaging etc. He barely talks to me the atmosphere isn't great and affecting the children. I gave suggested just us getting out of the house he nods but never happens yet he is arranging his boys nights etc. I am still doing all house , managing children and working

I know it's really early days in terms of grief but I am struggling to deal with getting all the crap end of DH whilst everyone esle is getting the nearly normal part. I cannot see anyway through at the moment

It's also bought out anger and resentment in me. I have always done things to placate him and his relationship with MIL. Never asked you move further away etc. Always split Christmases, last wishes on mother's day. I am angry he hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge how much perimenopause has affected me and how much my illness does. I am always told eat exercise more etc it will make it better etc

Has anyone got through this successfully

I would try and carve out some me time. Meet some friends and do something you want to do

Jesus. Get rid.

Definitely start going out though 'oh tomorrow I'm popping out to the hairdressers so you'll have the kids'

It's been 7 weeks, he has been out constantly with his mates - he doesn't get to opt out of family life.

I say this genuinely- get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave.

@ManorHall7 I wasn't suggesting relationship counseling, but individual counseling for yourself.

As I said, you can't change him and if he chooses to continue this route, you may struggle with him..

Oh OP that sounds so hard.

He knows nothing of your childhood nor your parents death?

How is that possible?

It reads to me your whole relationship has been about him, his mother and family.

His mother has died which absolutely is very hard but it is now further months of you carrying it ALL without any acknowledgement for all you do.

BUT he can be Mr charming and upbeat with friends, do sport, not work, while you do it all.

How you have tolerated this bullshit is down to that awful childhood because he sounds like the most selfish, self absorbed waster possible.

Your poor children.

Upbeat for his buddies?
Waster for his family?

Abusive, manipulative waster.

I think he should move out and do his grieving elsewhere.

At least he won't be able to abuse you and your children.

How dare he use you all as emotional punching bags.

He does because he is a deeply selfish man.

Lots of people lose a parent and don't behave like this.

I feel so sorry for you.

He is not a good man.

He NEVER has been.

You are being treated appallingly and I would start having a good hard look at who he is.

He is an awful man who is punishing you and your children because he is nothing but a bully.

I know grief.
I've seen it many times for parents that were adored.

Being out and about with a happy face but acting like a nasty prick at home has no part of it.

It does however if you are an abusive prick in the first place

Get on to Women's aid.

Protect your children.

Reach out to friends.

Stop tolerating his threats of not getting over it as a punishment to you....and general abuse.

Tell him move out and take his nasty abuse elsewhere.

He's just another selfish waster.

Listen to your Nan.

My husband lost his adored father to a brain haemorrhage and the shock was so dreadful.

Did he abuse those around him and bully them?
Of course not.

How convenient of him to opt out of family life for 3 months.

Hes a waster.
Get him out.

I am from a similar background to you and when my Mum died of bowel cancer in 2019 I felt a huge sense of relief - I had been her only child and carer and had actually lived with her until I was 34 (sense of duty / worrying about her, she was an alcoholic and had mental health issues, my childhood was very abusive and horrible). I therefore cannot understand others grief over losing their parents. I can try and imagine what it’s like but I just don’t have that insight. I’ve never had that sort of relationship. I do think perhaps for you that’s a lot to do with what’s going on here. And you’re not wrong for it and neither is your dh, just different.

My best friends Mum died around the same time mine did oddly enough and her reaction was a lot more “normal” than mine - crying non stop, really upset, if I bumped into her in the supermarket and happened to mention something about a parent etc she’d start crying. It was all very difficult and I don’t think we really knew how to navigate our relationship for a while as we in such different places.

I think all you can do is give him time and reassure the dc that Dads sad now but he won’t always be sad. It will get better. Getting back to work will be good for him.

I haven't voted because I am torn on this one. You had 6 years with this man before you married then a few more before the kids came. In part you've allowed this behaviour so to expect him to be different now, especially so soon after the loss of his mum is unreasonable.

You also expect him to acknowledge your perimenopause - most men don't as they truly don't understand the whole periods/cycle/meno thing.

My main reason for not voting though is your original post paints you as overtly needy and what you see as him doing normal things is actually him trying to exclude himself from everything he can't deal with right now.

You say you lost your parents when you were young - have you had any counselling for your bereavement as maybe you need that to help you move forward and that made me sit on the fence, some of your feelings of of resentment and being low down on his pecking order could be linked to the loss of these important relationships.

I hope you can move through this point in your relationship with love x

I did have counselling but many years ago and yes I have accepted being further down the pecking order when I shouldn't have. I love him but maybe its now becoming clear it was the first proper relationship I had I was very young. I don't want him to be normal I get he doesn't want to deal with things but he is spending huge amounts of time with his friends and on his phone and i get anger impatience etc i accept its part of marriage but I am upset and resentful.

I have helped with the funeral and other things too as its only him and his sister and I haven't received any real acknowledgement just bitterness that I didn't have his mum for dinner every Sunday etc. Even though she was always busy etc. But maybe like some said it's a symptom that has been bought to the surface.

@Xrays thank you. Yes my dad was an alcoholic and I wasted my childhood was spent looking after him and my DSis. My mother abandoned us at a young age.lots of varying abuse and eventually Foster care. My real mother died last year I hasn't seen her for 36 years. I don't have any emotion for them

But i am hugely aware of the impact of unhappy parents and don't want this for my children

My Mum died 2 days ago.
I am not being vile to my DH and I am being supportive to my DC as well as being in shock and grieving.
Things like this are only an issue if there were problems in the relationship already, it just exposes the cracks or cements it

The fact is, grieving doesn’t give you a licence to be an arsehole to your family. We lost mil last year and life has carried on, but with crying and depression mixed in. DP hasn’t expected to have life revolve around him and his grief, if anything he feels needlessly guilty about being down all the time.

Some people will use grief to manipulate.

I think we did have cracks in our relationship but do people genuinely not however maybe this has exposed them far wider than needed

I am sorry for your loss also

My dad died in similar circumstances last summer, so I can understand why he is reeling a bit and grieving. But he is absolutely out of order putting negativity on you, blaming you for not inviting her etc, and you need to pull him up sharply on things like that. And if he can pick up his social life he can pick up him family life a bit too. It’s always going to be difficult losing a parent when they’ve never really cut the apron strings.

So sorry for your loss

I very much agree with others that grieving is not a license to be abusive to your family. He’s not just grieving, he’s using you as an emotional punch bag and it’s not okay. It’s not surprising you resent his treatment of you. And while it is hard for him, that doesn’t mean you or your kids just have to take constant poor treatment from him.

It’s plenty to be resentful about on its own. But I wonder from your description of your life when MiL was around if your resentment is partly because you expected to go up in the pecking order a bit now she has gone, but you seem to have found yourself relegated further? You waited around, giving ground to her, and now she isn’t here, instead of turning to you and talking to you in the evenings he’s turned to his friends. That it maybe shows that the reason he put your MiL first wasn’t just because she was really important to your DH, it was because you are not?

Its actually really weird how he is claiming he never spent more time with her because if you, that's some accusation OP and that alone is an awful comment. She was 80 not a young woman regardless if health, did he think she would live forever? I think you unfortunately married a complete mummy's boy and a selfish arse to boot. Him putting his activities before his own kids speaks volumes.

I personally would horse him out the door.

Your nan is absolutely right to say he needs to get back to his family life. He needs to appreciate what he has and who he has in his life and treasure you and the dc. Give him a bit longer, obviously, as this is still new - but he is out of order if this carries on.

I think you need to split your need for emotional validation and your need him to participate in household tasks. Ask him to start picking up the slack in the home. He needs to start pulling his weight again and cleaning, helping out with the kids, cooking and doing other things. But this is probably not the time to start working on the emotional side of your marriage. It’s just too early. But hopefully if he steps up again on the practical side, then you will feel less resentful and less tired.

The following sounds awful, but is there a chance he resents the fact you are still around but his mum isn't? He may be 'punishing' you by engaging in a life that doesn't include you or his DC.

I am not sure he has taken DC out etc

It's really hurtful. I never had an awful relationship with her just wasn't close. She looked after my children when they were younger etc. I bit my tongue a lot with her not with DH this obviously caused problems. I should have addressed this years ago and didn't through fear. I never stopped him doing anything with her etc

He admitted he should have addressed it also but this doesn't mean much to me after she has passed.

Sounds like you've had a lifetime of being second best to his mother, plus the extra time in hospital and now his grief means you don't come first. I do understand how that can make you extremely frustrated. Because again you're second best to his mother, even when she's not here.

I don't have any words of wisdom, I wonder if you'll get him 100% of the time once he's dealt with his grief, or will he find something else to put over and above you. Only you can decide if you want to stick it out. Personally I'd find it difficult to do so. Can you sit him down and ask if he's like councilling as him using you as an emotional punch bag isn't fair, especially if you're trying to support him

Ok, so he engages with DC but not you. You feel you are just there to do the grunt work of family life, in his eyes?

Perhaps I did expect that he would turn to me more and it's hurtful he hasn't but I appreciate his need to talk and see friends it removes him from reality.

I just feel used as I am picking up everything and helping him and SIL with all the practical stuff bank stuff funeral etc. I seem to be good for that.

I am hoping counselling might help but I dont know.

I guess and because I have always done it