To feel resentful over grief

[ManorHall7]

This is a long one bear with. Been with DH since teenagers over 20 years. Married 14 two young primary aged children. Fil passed away 15 years ago. Left mil and SIL. DH always had a slightly enmeshed relationship with her I have on many occasions been second best in important situations and scenarios, unfortunately for me I put up with it. We have always lived 5 minutes away ,he wouldphone or text every day and call in 4 5 times a week. I never had a terrible relationship but weren't mega close and I was on occasion resentful. She could be difficult and obstinate too. DH suffers from ocd and anxiety ftom childhood never sorted by his parents. I had terrible childhood both parents died young and when I was young. He has SIL but she is very emotionally immature and has always relied on DH rather than her own DH.

MIL passed away 7 weeks ago, following 6 weeks in hospital unexpectedly. She was just 80. Not a decriped lonely old lady. Active and busy social life. It was extremely difficult period in hospital as DH was visiting twice a day -prior to any end of life diagnosis. I was working managing children house etc. I have a long term chronic health condition requiring monthly hospital treatment and peri menopausal. Then obviously during pallative he was understandably at hospital large proportion of time .

Since her passing it has understandably a difficult period especially for him but also our older child who has been very upset. During all this time I have been helping practically and trying emotionally but have been DH emotional punchbag. He is full of regrets etc all normal but blames me for not having her for dinner more etc. He isn't working at the moment signed off but is just started counselling. He keeps stating he doesn't know how he's going go live without her etc.

He is out seeing friends , social sporting activities going to gym etc I have encouraged this however he is also glued to his phone constantly messaging etc. He barely talks to me the atmosphere isn't great and affecting the children. I gave suggested just us getting out of the house he nods but never happens yet he is arranging his boys nights etc. I am still doing all house , managing children and working

I know it's really early days in terms of grief but I am struggling to deal with getting all the crap end of DH whilst everyone esle is getting the nearly normal part. I cannot see anyway through at the moment

It's also bought out anger and resentment in me. I have always done things to placate him and his relationship with MIL. Never asked you move further away etc. Always split Christmases, last wishes on mother's day. I am angry he hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge how much perimenopause has affected me and how much my illness does. I am always told eat exercise more etc it will make it better etc

Has anyone got through this successfully

He is so unbelievably self absorbed and entitled in his belief that making his life easier is the only thing in the world he should concern himself with.

Grief is very hard, no disputing it at all.

But do good men treat their wife and children with contempt?

No they don't.

You and your children deserve better than this and at some point in the future you will realise this and that you have accepted selfish behaviour throughout your marriage.

Your children will grow up and judge him and the family dynamic harshly.

My friend had a father like your husband, always consumed by himself.

When her lovely mum died, she buried her with a heavy heart and on the day of the funeral her father found time to tell her that her mother would want her to really step up and look after him.🙄

She never said a word but afterwards by not answering her phone and not calling to the house for a couple of weeks the penny dropped that his daughter was not her mother.

She got some guff from his siblings but she put them firmly in their place.
Her mother was gone and SHE was done.

She barely sees him and has never involved herself in his needs or care.
Her siblings live away.

That is the legacy of selfish men.

Not behaving like a selfish twat with grief is normal, HE is the one who is consistently selfish.

I may be harsh but you and your children deserve better, of course you must be understandably exhausted by continuously carrying the whole family load on your own.

I really wish you well.

Grief is hard. He can't change his feelings. All you can do is listen, agree with him about his feelings for MIL. Suggest that he was a loving and doting son. Perhaps putting some flowers on her grave every now and then might mean that you both can walk through the cemetery together. They are often lovely places of solace. Help your son talk about the special memories and draw or write or make her favourite recipe. This sharing of affection for MIL could help support DH.

I would put a time limit on this for yourself, maybe the two months he has been signed off work. In that time keep busy and out of the house as much as you can. Then have a good chat with him at the two month marker to be frank and honest. He will still be grieving absolutely, but let’s be fair you can’t live like this forever and as with all grief eventually you have to find a place for it and carry on , especially if you have kids.
I would remind him of his family, that his mum had a wonderful active life and had a great family/fun balance and she was loved. He can either mourn her forever or celebrate her life. he is reacting to this grief in a a very childish way and you have to remind him he is an adult.

You could become friendly with SIL now that MIL is gone.

Also just compliment and support your husband's feelings but punctuate the conversation with asking for him to cook dinner tonight or take kid to hobby etc. Then go back to former positive conversation. Don't make him helping a big issue but expect it and thank him for helping. It takes a long time for grief to soften.

@user1492757084
I have done all of this. He doesn't want to visit the grave at the moment. I have created memory books with both my children. My oldest is very up and down.
I have helped with the funeral read at the funeral, still helping with practical things that neither dh nor sil want to do. I have lost sleep listening to him until the early hours of the morning. All of this as his wife and that's what I am here fore.

I am not denying it's hard grieving but his friends are getting the nearly normal DH and for nearly 4 months I get the crap deal all the time.

But listening to someone say they don't think they are can get through it or live without their DM when the have a wife and children to me is pretty harsh

@Lambchop1 thank you. He has 2 weeks left of his time off. I don't think it's helped him he has no structure etc

I am loath to say much more to him as I am obviously wary he is grieving and will be something esle to hold against me

Ib

Really sorry to hear you are dealing with this, OP. I have recently experienced a similar situation with my DH and am still coming up for air.
I used to think that there was no wrong way to grieve. That was until the sh*tstorm my DH unleased on my life after FIL passed away. FIL was in his 80s and had lived a full and active life, but DH went to pieces and nearly 2 years later, still isn't the same. He nope-d out of family life for a long time, was moody and volatile, and I was deeply hurt to hear him saying things like what your DH said - that he had lost his purpose and hope in life now FIL was gone (like DC and me weren't providing him those things?!).
Complex grief is definitely A Thing that needs to be understood better. But at the end of the day there is absolutely no excuse for nasty behaviour and checking out of family responsibilities for months on end. I'm heartened and vindicated to see that a lot of posters on this thread feel the same way. I can't really offer much advice because I don't think I handled my own situation very well (I was a doormat for far too long). All I can say is be kind to yourself, set those boundaries and listen to some of the sensible advice upthread.

@Olinguita
Thank you for your message. I am sorry its been so hard for you.

I have had a small chat with DH today and he said basically he's not bothered about us just the children. He's angry I am not soft. I have tried but obviously resentful. He's angry I don't have the same upset about his mum. It's not my mum. He's angry about things I have done in the past with his mum, and holding it against me. A couple of occasions 20 plus years ago we might have argued in front of his mum. I have never sworn, abused, argued with his mum. her refused to see her etc, refused the children etc. It's more about how I wasn't calling in and seeing her on my own etc having her more for dinner etc here. Despite him seeing her 4 5 times a week and phoning daily. Always seeing her at Christmas mothers days over easter. He's aggigtated in the evenings as this was his time to call her so he won't stay in etc.

I cant see a way forward unfortunately it's horrendous and we have young children so trying to lesson the atmosphere for them isn't easy and I don't want to move out etc whilst they have so much going on

@Olinguita any advice regarding how you coped would be helpful happy for a private message

Funny how he can only grieve through boys nights out.

He sounds like a dickhead.

Well he hasn't been out every night but he just said it's no stress

He is being self indulgent and I say this as very much the enmeshed and favourite child myself. My mum was here all the time and we also spoke daily for about an hour, we were very close . I always assumed that I would have a full breakdown when my mum died.

she died ten weeks ago, and I remember your last thread because I remember thinking, “hope i don’t get completely self absorbed”. I don’t want to take advantage of my husband- he’s been amazing and he’s also lost somebody he loved.

I know it’s not a competition but I am functioning as normal again, I am still very very tired because it’s obviously emotionally draining. I am dreading Mother’s Day. But I am fully present in my childrens lives and feel back to normal mood wise. I am only like this because my husband gave me space support and understanding to recover and I feel that I’ve burned through my grief in a sense.

Your husband is taking advantage of your kindness my dear. It’s easy to do if you’re already used to being looked after I guess. Yes you can’t out a timer on grief and I am far much better than I dreamed possible. But if he’s got the energy and ability to maintain a social life then he can do a spot if parenting. I’d also say that being forced to step up is also helpful to keep normality. As for your child, he is grieving and the best thing to help him would be to have two present parents, not to think that her death was some sort of watershed where his dad disappeared too. And all the fun times. How you guys are now will absolutely show him how to manage adversity.

But on the other hand seven weeks
isnt much and when I was where your husband is, I was still wandering around the house weeping at times. In your shoes I’d start to make family plans,‘if you have the cash, go away for the weekend, try and get some of your old dynamic back. It’s a huge mental break to remove yourself for a day somewhere new, it was one of the best things we did. And mental test is prob alt what’s behind his time at the gym and with friends. But he can’t bail out on his family.

start to ask him to do the stuff he used to do, just “can you do bedtime” etc without declaring that you want him more present. There doesn’t need to be a show down just start assuming that he’s parenting again.

finally, I’ve never needed my sister before and we speak every day now.
im afraid the silent texting is probably unavoidable for now. I am guilty of this too!

Sorry OP, just read your update:

what a brat.

@SlaveToTheVibe

I am sorry for your loss.

I have tried as best I can to give him space but perhaps that wasn't enough he seems to be suggesting that. He is nowhere near normal - I don't expect normal.

He has helped with bedtimes this week but he has little or no patience. I am still trying to navigate how to help my DC with their grieve and I may not be getting it right but I don't want her to wallow like him. I think his mood is affecting them. DS is 6 and angry. DD is 11 and emotional.

I am not perfect and no doubt I have got things wrong over the past 3 months but I am trying.

He can't stay in during the evening etc. He's just constantly agitated but won't do much to help himself. I suggested seeing his GP but maybe it's to early. I am just struggling to understand how I was ever that horrible to his DM and why he can't move past it

I am having to really examine myself as I have no doubt done things wrong but need to get it right for my children. I am more upset that I have wasted 20 plus years of my life really as that what it feels like

He has stated I can't help him and haven't helped him.

You’re so raw when a parent dies that the slightest offence towards them in the past takes on a new significance. For example one of the nurses was brusque and rude in the ICU, a relative made an insensitive remark (meant kindly) at the funeral and there was one day I didn’t go to hospital because I was just so tired - I’ve ruminated on all these things for weeks. And I don’t know what your relationship was like with her but if my husband had ever been objectionable towards her I’d be ruminating on that too. But don’t let yourself be castigated for minor points when you’re trying to help him.

Ask him how you can help. Do you talk to him about her? My husband did. Endlessly whenever I needed and it helped a lot.

you could sign him up for cruse - the waiting list is long (where I am anyway a couple of months) so that by the times there’s availability he might be ready.

is he the sort who would write? My fried journal has hands down been the best thing I’ve done to help myself. I write in it several times a day.

but above all don’t let him m drag you down. You can’t. Practical and emotional so guidance is what you can offer but you can’t shoulder the blame for last grievances.

Grief journal!

My husband fucked off and left me alone with two children 2 weeks after my mam suddenly died aged just 67... apparently I wasn't being very nice and he needed "space". I was irrational and grieving and he just totally checked out. I will never forgive him for that and not being there when I needed him the most I ever had in my life.

We are currently having counselling but I'm not sure our marriage will recover from his selfishness.

Posted too soon..,

Anyway, I think at 7 weeks and with the funeral out of the way it is time for a bit of "tough love" and for your husband to start getting back to normality a bit.

The grief will still be there but life does go on, I had a similar amount of time off work but went back last week and it is helping.

Do you have a mutual friend who can speak to your husband on your behalf?

OP, your „D”H mental health is not your responsibility. Neither was entertaining his mother to the extent he did.

Looking at your posts he’s using you as emotional punchbag. You didn’t do enough for her, you haven’t been there enough, you haven’t invited her enough or called her enough in his opinion.

You were busy being responsible parent to your children and shouldering the responsibilities your H has actively avoided.

Your last post- you can’t help him and haven’t helped him according to him.Another stick to beat you with.
What were you supposed to do about your work and children to accommodate his demands of attending his mother? Let them fend for themselves?

He’s right. You can’t help him. Only he can help himself to deal with his grief engaging with professional, not blaming you and having short fuse with the kids.

Serious words are needed, he needs to shape up or ship out.

You take care of yourself as your kids need you and they are your priority, not your husband.

His behaviour became abusive towards you and your children.

Please take care 💐

Couldn't agree more.

He's a nasty abusive man who just loves bullying his wife.

If it isn't one thing it's another.

He's a complete loser, just one whose mother has recently died.

I don't talk about her a lot to him no. He does that but yes I was always resentful with her because she was priority. I never showed that to her but it was always the source of argument with us.

He has said hurtful things about my family but I wouldn't hold it against him

He said he is resentful he never addressed the issues between myself and his mum. However if his mum was still here it would be same. So in my mind it doesn't help me as its not for my benefit. Only to help himself better with his mum

My parents both died when I was a teenager so I am familiar with grief.

As much as I have empathy for this huge life changing loss of his mum, it does seem you are expected to be a martyr. You appear to be doing all the parenting and housework, while your husband is criticizing you about the relationship you had with his mother when he was very clearly enmeshed with her. He hasn’t ever dealt with the fact of his enmeshment and so all the mixed emotions he has about their relationship he is seems to dumping on you. He seems to expect you to have been wonderful and kind at all times (and in fact I think you were remarkably reasonable and understanding for all those years when he was calling her every night and seeing her 4+ days a week). In the meantime he is being extremely unkind and resentful to you. He has a ridiculous double standard.

We all know and understand the immensity of grief, especially of a parent. It seems however that he has always prioritized his birth family and their emotional lives, while ignoring your own family background and experiences. Your own painful childhood may have meant you had low expectations going into marriage, and he hasn’t been slow in prioritizing his family of origin and their needs above you and the children at all times. Unfortunately I think his “center” remained his mother rather than you and the children and now he is very lost and blaming you for the hole at the center of his life. He appears to have wrapped you and your children around his already existing relationship with his mum, rather than changing his center of gravity toward you and the children .

Maybe this is an exaggerated take, but the nature of his relationship with his mum does seem to mean he is behaving in a very childish way in his grief.

He clearly needs therapy and you probably need couples therapy because he is putting burdens onto you that are nothing to do with you, but about his enmeshed relationship with his mother.

In the meantime however, can you spend time together as a couple? Going away for the weekend or doing any activities that you have enjoyed together in the past to reconnect and get away from the every day grind.

Has anyone been offering help to your family? Because you are clearly struggling with your own physical ailments and need time out. You shouldn’t be the family punching bag. His grief doesn’t mean he gets to behave like a child indefinitely where it endangers your marriage.