To hate them staying..

[baristababe]

DH parents live abroad (ex pats who moved over there) we have a 3 bed, only 1 double bed in the house, 5yo dc has a cabin type bed in his room (too small for an adult) and baby has her own room and a cot. Downstairs is small ish living room and kitchen.
When his parents come over they insist on staying at our house for 2 weeks straight. They take our bed (even when dd was newborn) giving us option of sofa of airbed. Can't relax in my own house with them as we see them so little I'm really uncomfortable, and whole house just feels upside down. I feel like I can't go up to our room as that's where all there stuff is and I get "doesn't she want to be with us" comments,
When we were a couple with 2 double beds it wasn't too bad. But now we're a family of 3, it's unpleasant.
AIBU to ask them to get an air B&B/hotel next time!? Dp seems to think that would be an outrageous ask.

@Shampern I've suggested this before, maybe a caravan type holiday where we have our own vans meaning own space, but it just gets laughed at.

My DH has a similar issue with saying ‘No’ to his folks. I didn’t stand my ground until the last few years, after 15 years of fitting in, and it only gets harder. There have been arguments.

If you feel you can tolerate them in the house, which sounds from how you’ve described their behaviour like it might not be a good idea, maybe you could get a sofa-bed, or a folding double on castors (any of these would be for them to sleep on when they come) and keep it in a garage, or with someone else who’ll store it? Or a bed in a box which you could use as a pouffe? Still a few hundred quid but it’s a longer term sleeping solution. Assuages DH’s ‘guilt’ and makes you look like you’re thinking of them, if they’re touchy types. Don’t give up your bed though, a fortnight is too long.

Often the more cash people have the more they like to keep hold of it!(esp older people) I think your DH is being unfair to you,however like many people does he revert to being their "boy" and feels like he has to accomodate them whatever?

DH is putting his parents before you and the kids, he sounds like a pathetic mummies boy - ick. You don't just have an in laws problem you have a big DH problem too.

This is easily worked out by putting both dc in one room for their stay and giving them use of the other room with the inflatable mattress. In time, swap the cabin bed for a single with a pull out that turns it into a double. Useful for kid sleepovers as well as PIL.
If they only get to see their son and you and grandchildren for two weeks each year, I wouldn’t suggest a b&b.

Oh dear, you are really being poorly treated by them all. I don't have experience how to deal with that but other posters might help here. look after yourself. X

If you move to another country, you are an emigrant in your country of origin. Immigrant in the new country.

Your DP is torn between pleasing his parents and pleasing you. It sounds on the surface very easy to resolve (no you can't stay, get a hotel) , but having had experience of this sort of thing myself from MIL it's far more complex IRL.

100% agree with hating the word expat and all it implies. "Expats" seem to think they are in some way entitled to all they want from the place they're staying, regardless of how it impacts on others who actually live there.

You are an adult.
tell your OH that you will not put up with that.
you will sleep in your own bed, and he can share the airbed with his parents.
and if they keep making comments you will go to your parents.
your pils don’t sound nice, but your DH is not helping

Your husband and his family are truly foul.

Stop having children with this awful man.

No wonder you had PND with such a selfish pig.

Your mum lives nearby?

Reach out for support.

You really sound so bullied and ground down.

This is not normal.

Your husbands family and your husband dont sound very considerate at all. Having people in the house when you dont get on with them is a very long time.

On the other hand a baby doesnt need own room and fitting four adults into 3 bedrooms sounds doable to me, if thats what you want to do.

I think if you forward some Airbnb and local hotel links with a friendly, oh so welcoming explanation they will get over it. Otherwise you’ll all end up falling out.

Sounds like the actual issue is you've got a shit boyfriend. Not sounding at all like a 'darling partner' who honours and cherishes his girlfriend. Booting you out of bed at 2 weeks post childbirth should have been the end.

This. You need to rethink his entire "relationship."

Can you go stay with your mother for an extended period?

(saw you referred to him once as darling husband, and partner from then on, so whatever. He was an unfortunate pick, but you know exactly how much he cares for you by his behaviour. Sounds awful, good luck.)

So why can’t they sleep on an air bed in the babies room? The cot could go in your 5 yr olds room or your room?

That’s what we do when my parents come to stay for two weeks.

I agree with your husband that it’s outrageous to expect them to pay for a hotel for 2 weeks. I wouldn’t be able to visit family if they insisted upon that. However!! I don’t dictate where I stay when I go to family and I never ever take the hosts bed! That is where your boundaries have gone weird, by letting them take your room and bed. One of my parents is disabled but sleeps well on the high quality air bed we got for their visits. Otherwise they have the option of the sofa. They use my sons room and have their own space and I keep my bedroom.

Just saw your update and they are rude, ungrateful people! Your husband is horrible.

My parents would NEVER expect me to give up my bedroom. Neither do my in laws. All our families are in a different country and so all guests stay in our home and not once has someone asked for our bed, that is outrageous!!

I did a two week stay sleeping on the floor this summer with my toddler due to not enough beds at my in laws home and not once were we offered their bed! Nor would I have accepted the offer.

I suspect you know you have a husband and in law issue. Your MIL is out of order for the way she swore at you and spoke to you. Your husband should have your back! You had a baby two months before and they still expect your room? Urgh this is just all gross and boundary crossing. I’m not surprised you dread their visits when they are this vile. And so what if your BIL doesn’t like it! He can host next time then can’t he.

They sound horrible but how can you be happy with a man that treats you like that. Haven't you got massive built up resentment from these 'incidents'? He hasn't got your back if he's more concerned with how his family will react over you making decisions for yourself. Do you just move on when this happens with no further discussions? It sounds really horrible for you. I know life's not perfect and it's so easy for everyone else to say what they'd do, but you must deserve better.

YABU. It's only 2 weeks every year. move cot in beside cabin bed. Put a decent airbed in baby room. Some of them are very comfortable. Clearly you simply don't want them there and I agree with @NumberTheory

They're not pleasant people really.

Neither is your DH

OP, sometimes situations like this crystallise what is wrong with your relationship. Like others have said, you have a DH problem here, but you also have a problem with your own self-esteem and boundaries. You do not have to put up with rudeness and selfishness in your own home from other adults. You have a chance here to face up to the fact that you are being bullied, and do something about it.

your in law problem is only ever as big as your dp problem. How is your relationship otherwise?

you can’t win in this situation so do as you please.

‘we don’t have enough room to have them to stay so if they can’t afford a hotel (even though you know they can) then they can have our bed and I’ll stay at my mums. Just so everyone’s comfortable.’

don’t feel like you have to put your baby in with their sibling as that could mean awful sleep for them which in turn means a terrible time for everyone. Might work when they are older but everyone’s quick to forget what a babies sleep can be like!