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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate them staying..

145 replies

baristababe · 17/02/2023 23:01

DH parents live abroad (ex pats who moved over there) we have a 3 bed, only 1 double bed in the house, 5yo dc has a cabin type bed in his room (too small for an adult) and baby has her own room and a cot. Downstairs is small ish living room and kitchen.
When his parents come over they insist on staying at our house for 2 weeks straight. They take our bed (even when dd was newborn) giving us option of sofa of airbed. Can't relax in my own house with them as we see them so little I'm really uncomfortable, and whole house just feels upside down. I feel like I can't go up to our room as that's where all there stuff is and I get "doesn't she want to be with us" comments,
When we were a couple with 2 double beds it wasn't too bad. But now we're a family of 3, it's unpleasant.
AIBU to ask them to get an air B&B/hotel next time!? Dp seems to think that would be an outrageous ask.

OP posts:
ComfortablyDazed · 18/02/2023 02:52

Dp seems to think that would be an outrageous ask.

Take a different approach with your DH.

Agree with everything he says.

He tells you it’s an ‘outrageous ask’ - agree with him. ‘Yes, I can see you think it is. I still need them to stay in the hotel’.

When he says you’re making them feel unwelcome, say ‘yes, they are very unwelcome when they insist on kicking me out of my bedroom. That’s why I want them to stay in a hotel’.

Every time he says something, agree. And make it clear that that’s why you need them to go elsewhere.

He’s saying these things to guilt you and to make you go along with it. So agree with him, and use these things he’s saying as the reason why they need to go elsewhere x

Clearly YANBU.

LadyJ2023 · 18/02/2023 03:00

We always give up our room for in laws or family staying. It doesn't bother us and they never ask for it either. We just love having family stay and its good for our kids. Our kids happily sleep anywhere aswell when company stay so there's always make shift beds on the floor and me n dad nab on set of bunkbeds lol

Workinghardeveryday · 18/02/2023 03:05

@baristababe no way!!!

feel for you doing it for one night tbh.

I wouldn’t be - and my dp would never expect me to!!

ComfortablyDazed · 18/02/2023 03:06

LadyJ2023 · 18/02/2023 03:00

We always give up our room for in laws or family staying. It doesn't bother us and they never ask for it either. We just love having family stay and its good for our kids. Our kids happily sleep anywhere aswell when company stay so there's always make shift beds on the floor and me n dad nab on set of bunkbeds lol

Can you see what the differences are between your situation and the OP’s?

Led9519 · 18/02/2023 03:25

I have a different perspective… when my grandparents used to come over from Ireland my mum and dad would give up their bed… out of respect and my grandparents wouldn’t have been able to afford a hotel.
As pp suggested i’d compromise and move cot in your room and put an air bed up in that room…. Or could you afford to pay for a bnb when they visit?
Good luck!

Porkyporkchop · 18/02/2023 05:07

Tell DH it’s not an option anymore with a growing family, end of. He has to tell them it’s not possible. You can fake a bad back if you want to break the cycle and say you need your bed because of this, but they have to stay in a hotel. Once they have done this once, it will be easier next time.

RhadamanthNemes · 18/02/2023 05:09

You obviously need to advocate for your own life.

Honestly.

Rumplestrumpet · 18/02/2023 05:34

I agree that it's wrong for you to give up your bed when you've just had a baby, although it's not clear to me if that was down to the in-laws or your husband.

But I don't think you can ask you partner's parents to stay in a hotel when they come to visit once a year. You have a big enough house that a solution should be manageable- you get a comfy sofa-bed or mattress to go down in the baby's room and thr baby comes in with you. That's what we've done whenever we had guests and I would hope our family would do the same for us.

You need your bedroom, that's your private space, and I wouldn't give that up easily, personally (although I have done once or twice for the odd night). But your partner should ne able to have his parents come to stay

FindingMeno · 18/02/2023 05:38

We have family who are only interested in us when they want somewhere to stay.
They get the floor, as we have no spare rooms. Even so, I feel used, and resent the disruption to our working week and routine.
I would tell your dh that if they're staying, you are not.

Rumplestrumpet · 18/02/2023 05:39

What are the differences @ComfortablyDazed ? I'm genuinely shocked by yhr number of people who think it's OK to send your in-laws to a hotel!

Maybe it's an English thing?! As @Led9519 says, growing up when our family would visit from overseas we would move around/bunk up to accommodate them. Even as a Teen I don't remember complaining. It's just what you did!

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 18/02/2023 05:58

A weekend maybe, but Two weeks?!
I would absolutely use it as 'an excuse to clear off'. There would be a murder committed if I stayed!

Finallygotpartnertoagreetotryplug · 18/02/2023 06:04

Not unreasonable at all! Sorry you are in such a rubbish situation. I would I insist on them having a hotel/air b and b. If they are ex pats, surely they will have the money for it.
how do you and your partner get any ‘together time’ while they stay?

Somethingneedstochange78 · 18/02/2023 06:37

I wouldn't be giving up my bed. What about a sofa bed? I've slept on a futon for a week with ex and DD. Was quite comfy.

Ladyofthesea · 18/02/2023 06:43

I'd be tempted to buy an extra airbed and say nothing to DH. But then I'm a bit petty.

Just put your foot down. You're already the bad person in their eyes so don't try to redeem yourself but milk it.

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2023 07:01

You have a DH problem as well as an in law problem.

Yes you absolutely need to break this cycle ASAP.

Can't believe they stayed when you just had a new born and PND, that's just awful. Your DH should have been supporting you then.

It's not going to be an easy conversation but you are going to have it. Have your points clearly made (write them down), he might strongly resist and he will need time to reflect. Offer alternative solutions

BannMan · 18/02/2023 07:03

I'm happy to have family and friends to stay but I NEVER give up my bed. That's the sort of thing children do but not adults. Your DH is still acting like a child around his parents!

This is obviously going to be an issue going forward as they're DH's parents and they're going to want to spend time with the grandchildren.
Get a sofa bed or get a set of bunk beds for one of the kids bedrooms which the grandparents can sleep in. Kids can go in same room together when they're staying.
But no don't give up your bed. Put a stop to that now.

BankOfDave · 18/02/2023 07:04

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2023 07:01

You have a DH problem as well as an in law problem.

Yes you absolutely need to break this cycle ASAP.

Can't believe they stayed when you just had a new born and PND, that's just awful. Your DH should have been supporting you then.

It's not going to be an easy conversation but you are going to have it. Have your points clearly made (write them down), he might strongly resist and he will need time to reflect. Offer alternative solutions

^^This

Disgraceful to kick a new mum out of her bed.

GrinAndVomit · 18/02/2023 07:07

I’d tell your partner that someone is staying in a hotel, either they book, pay and stay in it or you will.

Margo34 · 18/02/2023 07:10

You don't have a bed to offer them for 2 weeks. Send them to a hotel.

"...they insist on staying at our house" and "...they take our bed..." - you and DP have allowed them to use you as a doormat. Respond next time "it's not personal but we don't have the space, capacitor finances to house 2 additional adults." If it were me I'd jest that they can stay in the spare 4th bedroom when they've bought us a 4-bed house 😂

Merryhobnobs · 18/02/2023 07:16

We never give up our bed. We have a single bed in our youngest room and it has a pull out mattress. That is where visitors sleep. Our youngest would go in the travel cot in our room when he was little and we had visitors. Now he goes on our eldest bottom bunk. They love it. It's very unusual for our visitors to stay more than 5 nights in a go though and I do get why it might all be a bit tense and claustrophobic. Is there an option of configuring the baby room to have a sofa bed or anything In it and that be designated for visitors.

Goldandpurplezebra · 18/02/2023 07:20

Why is it up to DH? Aren't you a partnership? You two should be making joint decisions.

This is one of those situations where if one of you doesn't want it then it should be a no.

Are there other areas in your marriage where your views are just ignored?

Brefugee · 18/02/2023 07:26

Agree that your DP needs to step up and say no. And also agree that you are an adult and you can also say no.

And you don't like them so why does it bother you if you get the "doesn't she want to see us" comments? At the latest that is the time to say "no, i don't. Bye"

Poopgal · 18/02/2023 07:26

could it be a cultural thing? I ask because I’m from Eastern Europe and would never dream of NOT giving my parents our bed when they visit (we stay in the spare bedroom).

ivykaty44 · 18/02/2023 07:38

tell them you'll book an airbnb and either they stay in it or you will

ivykaty44 · 18/02/2023 07:39

Oh and I give up my bed when I have a full house, but wouldn't want to sleep on the sofa for 2 weeks straight