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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate them staying..

145 replies

baristababe · 17/02/2023 23:01

DH parents live abroad (ex pats who moved over there) we have a 3 bed, only 1 double bed in the house, 5yo dc has a cabin type bed in his room (too small for an adult) and baby has her own room and a cot. Downstairs is small ish living room and kitchen.
When his parents come over they insist on staying at our house for 2 weeks straight. They take our bed (even when dd was newborn) giving us option of sofa of airbed. Can't relax in my own house with them as we see them so little I'm really uncomfortable, and whole house just feels upside down. I feel like I can't go up to our room as that's where all there stuff is and I get "doesn't she want to be with us" comments,
When we were a couple with 2 double beds it wasn't too bad. But now we're a family of 3, it's unpleasant.
AIBU to ask them to get an air B&B/hotel next time!? Dp seems to think that would be an outrageous ask.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/02/2023 08:32

BankOfDave · 18/02/2023 07:04

^^This

Disgraceful to kick a new mum out of her bed.

Show quote history

Another voice saying this was outrageous. I bet you were the one changing the linen after they left, too?

I’m sorry OP, but your DP doesn’t sound very nice. Was it him who made the ‘clearing off’ comment or your ILs?

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/02/2023 08:35

Coffeellama · 17/02/2023 23:05

OP you are a grown adult, YABU to say they ‘take’ your bed! Learn how to put boundaries in place, both with your in laws and your DH for allowing it. YANBU to tell them to stay elsewhere.

THIS!

They "take" your bed?

Bugger that! Unless there is a medical reason why they can't kip on an airbed, they should rough it, not you.

And if there is a medical reason, let them stay in a B&B

Fifthtimelucky · 18/02/2023 08:36

AGoldenNarwhal · 18/02/2023 08:03

You have a 3 bedroom house and they come to visit once a year. They should not have kicked you out of your bed after you had had DC, but really you ought to be able to fit them in. It's not a huge ask for your DP to be able to host his parents very occasionally, even if their visit is something of an endurance test for you (so long as he pulls his weight and is doing the extra chores that come with visitors).

The problem is your room set-up. You should not have to give up your bed. In your situation, I would either get a double in your older child's room to replace the child-size bed or put in a small sofa bed.

I agree with this. It's not unreasonable to expect to be able to host guests when you have 3 bedrooms and 2 children.

We deliberately arranged things so that the children could share when we had visitors. One room had a single bed with a trundle bed under it and the other has a high sleeper with a chair under it that pulled out into a futon.

That meant that the children could share with each other when necessary. It also meant that they could always have a friend round for a sleepover.

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/02/2023 08:36

baristababe · 17/02/2023 23:08

DD was 2 months old and still in our room. I said they could stay but we kept our bed. The night they got to us the air bed wouldn't blow up properly. I said ok, myself and DC will go stay at my parents, you have our bed. Then I got "using it as an excuse to clear off" comments. They said they would just have the airbed but then DP made me feel terrible about it and they commented to him how unwelcome I make them feel. I had a newborn, PND and just wanted my own bed. They're not pleasant people really.

Your DP isn't a pleasant person either.

philautia · 18/02/2023 08:37

Your husband is your problem.

He was happy for you to give up your bed when you had a newborn? It shouldn't even have been a conversation.

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/02/2023 08:40

This sounds more like - I hate my in-laws coming to stay

I'd hate mine coming too, if I got chucked out of my bed for a fortnight.

Fedupandsad · 18/02/2023 08:51

From your first two messages I would say your husband is being unreasonable. I moan about my husband but he would never eve allow me to sleep on an air bed after having a baby.
His parents would never allow me to sleep on an air bed after a baby . Or full stop.
I am an anxious person and don’t want to offended people so appreciate you feel awkward but this is madness.
You have two children . This is your house . You have to rest . If you want to stay they can get a hotel . Hugs xxx

im so angry your DH doesn’t tell them this is completely bonkers and inappropriate for them to stay .

YellowDaffodillie · 18/02/2023 08:55

We live overseas and regularly visit adult DC in U.K.

We have NEVER stayed in either of their homes. They don’t have spare empty bedrooms. I can’t imagine expecting them to move everything around just to accommodate our sleeping plans when we can easily stay in a nearby hotel.

Unless they’re struggling financially and can’t even afford an Air BnB, I think you need to have a conversation with them and your husband and ask them to make alternative sleeping arrangements, otherwise they need to reduce their visits to a few days, not 2 weeks.

Your DP needs to step up massively. I definitely wouldn’t marry him if he’s always putting your needs last.

Sunriseinwonderland · 18/02/2023 08:59

I can't believe they had the gall to take your bed when you had a newborn. My parents would do just this but now I'm older I tell them to stay in a hotel or B&B I can't be doing with it. I get less visits as a results but quite honestly my bed is my bed. I'm not giving it up.

Bimblybomeyelash · 18/02/2023 09:03

There’s no way I would want to sleep on my living room floor for 2 weeks. But I couldn’t insist family stay in a hotel for 2 weeks either. That’s a lot of money! I’d be making it work at home somehow. I’d put the guests in larger child’s bedroom, and have that child in with me.

Original poster
baristababe · 18/02/2023 09:08

Thanks everyone. Finances definitely are not an issue for them. They inherited a lot of money, and regularly go on luxury cruises costing thousands!

OP posts:
WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 18/02/2023 09:09

Chinam · 17/02/2023 23:45

You have a DH problem here. Tell him you are not giving up your bed again.
Also, not the point of your thread, but I hate the word expat. If you move to another country, you are an immigrant.

Both immigrant and expat are used. Expat works better in the context OP used it, I think.

Nothing cool about policing how someone else speaks.

WickedStepmomNOT · 18/02/2023 09:10

Outrageous to make you give up your bed to sleep on a faulty airbed with a two week old - your 'D'P sounds as unpleasant as his parents..

Get a fullsize bed with trundle underneath for DS room, and let the parents have that while DS moves into DD's room on a single airbed for the parents visit. Neednt be too expensive, maybe freecycle or fb marketplace might have one.

If your partner objects tell him cheaper than hotel but its his choice - your not moving out of your room again, you need proper rest to look after your family - and his family when they visit as I bet he does nothing!

Carlycat · 18/02/2023 09:11

You have a dh problem

Binfluencer · 18/02/2023 09:12

Why is your DH so afraid of them and so inconsiderate of you?

WickedStepmomNOT · 18/02/2023 09:13

baristababe · 18/02/2023 09:08

Thanks everyone. Finances definitely are not an issue for them. They inherited a lot of money, and regularly go on luxury cruises costing thousands!

Just seen this - in that case, tell them to help you buy a 4 bed house upgrade, and they can stay as will have own bedroom - or look up nice hotel / airbnb and send them the links!

Carlycat · 18/02/2023 09:15

LadyJ2023 · 18/02/2023 03:00

We always give up our room for in laws or family staying. It doesn't bother us and they never ask for it either. We just love having family stay and its good for our kids. Our kids happily sleep anywhere aswell when company stay so there's always make shift beds on the floor and me n dad nab on set of bunkbeds lol

Misses the point completely 🙄

Geranium1984 · 18/02/2023 09:15

Oh my gosh this sounds stressful. I find it tough having people over for afternoon tea with our toddler, new baby and small house! I'd never have anyone stay over. Difficult now they've stayed before but there really isn't enough space.

My parents are coming to visit for 10 days (live abroad) and we said great, no bed for you here but here are two options for accommodation nearby. I'd say they'll want a break from the chaos of our house too!!

Can they stay at a nearby hotel/air bnb for a bit and you all go away together and rent a large air bnb for a few days?

TheFretfulPorpentine · 18/02/2023 09:16

Two weeks is too long for house guests, even if you actually like them.

billy1966 · 18/02/2023 09:17

So you married a horrible man with horrible parents?

Only a pig would expect his wife to be on a blow up port partum, while his parents take the bed.

This is NOT normal.

Does he treat you poorly generally?

Can't believe he is a good man.

No way would I have them for two weeks in my bed.

Not even ONE night.

Have you family to support you?

I would be very concerned about how you are treated.

You sound very vulnerable.

You need to say NO, they need to stay elsewhere.

No one should take your bed.

Please stand up for yourself.

What is outrageous is that your loser partner sounds like a bully.

Stand up for yourself.

woodhill · 18/02/2023 09:20

baristababe · 18/02/2023 09:08

Thanks everyone. Finances definitely are not an issue for them. They inherited a lot of money, and regularly go on luxury cruises costing thousands!

In that case they can stay in the B&B

I didn't like the way OP felt she couldn't even go in her own room when they were there - what a cheek

Notonthestairs · 18/02/2023 09:25

I suspect many posters who think you should be able to accommodate your PIL and have their own family to stay do not have guests that stay a fortnight.

My family can and do bunk up on air mattresses if required. But never for more than a weekend.

I'm afraid you need to stick to your guns despite your uncooperative husband. He definitely doesn't want to make your life easier does he.

Shampern · 18/02/2023 09:28

baristababe · 18/02/2023 09:08

Thanks everyone. Finances definitely are not an issue for them. They inherited a lot of money, and regularly go on luxury cruises costing thousands!

So if finances are not an issue, maybe they just want really close contact with their grandchildren for 2 weeks as one big family. If that's the case can you ask them to stump up for a new double bed in your Dd's room or a sofa bed? Or can they pay for a nice 4 bedroom holiday rental at an appropriate time for you all to enjoy? Some older people like spending money on their offspring. My parents are often booking a cottage or seaside house for us all.

flabbygoldfish · 18/02/2023 09:28

Boundaries required here. 2 weeks is a long stay even in ideal circumstances, never mind you sleeping in an air bed. Either they find another place to stay or you go stay with your parents.

Your DP can make up his own mind and either go with you or sleep on the sofa.

Original poster
baristababe · 18/02/2023 09:29

They have plenty of money, honestly. They wanted to come and stay when DD was a week or so old and I said no, that's not happening. They did it when my eldest was born and it was too much. Luckily I did put my foot down as I had severe PND. She was 2 months old at the time when this happened. I said they can come and stay, but they are on an airbed. They arrive, airbed won't blow up fully. DP get me in our room shuts the door and says let them have our bed, it looks awful if you don't, if my brother (who's an awful person) finds out you let them sleep on a half blown air bed he'll kick off at you etc. all while they're sat downstairs. I said fine, myself and DC will go to my mums. I go down and say me and kids going to mums (only few miles down road) tonight until airbed gets sorted. They say no we'll sleep on the airbed (by this point I feel awkward as hell) so I said no, it's not blown up fully. I'll go to mums then everyone has a bed. She then basically says you just want to fuck off really don't you so do what you want.

To make it worse this was in 2021, I asked DP to stay home with them - he doesn't give a shit and goes to a sports event with his dad - they come back with covid! So I had to take both children to my mums anyway to avoid them getting it.

OP posts: