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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring along siblings to a birthday party

146 replies

Charliebrow · 17/02/2023 20:25

My DD 3 has been invited to a ‘role play village’ party and is incredibly excited as she doesn’t get invited to many parties unlike her older sister 6 who gets invited to lots. I don’t have anyone to look after my other 2 children, 6 yrs and 13 months, so wonder if I could bring them along rather than decline the invite. I’ve rung the venue and the whole place has been hired out for the party which means I’ll unfortunately not be able to pay admission for the other 2. To be honest the 6 yr old will just sit and watch the iPad and I’ll take crisps and choc for them, and the baby will be on my knee the whole time but I don’t want everyone to be looking at me thinking I’m really cheeky. What do you think? Thanks

OP posts:
MoreSleepPleasee · 17/02/2023 21:15

It's annoying when people ask if siblings can come. You feel like you have to say yes. If siblings were invited it would have been stated on the invite really. Rsvp and say sorry she cannot attend as you have no one to have the other 2. Then the parent can say OK without guilt or will say come anyway.

fairywhale · 17/02/2023 21:17

They will feel they'll have to say yes, so don't ask.
Ask another parent to look after your kid if they can, ask to drop or decline the invite. That's what the rest of the people with no childcare for the day would do and that's not fair exceptions will be made for some and not for others.

Riverlee · 17/02/2023 21:17

can the three year old be left, as other adults will be there?

MyCatIsAnnoyinglyCute · 17/02/2023 21:17

The more the merrier doesn’t work if they’ve hired the place out or if they’ve catered for so many children.

If you’ve planned for say 20 kids if they all bring 1-2 siblings that’s potentially another 40 kids plus parents.

BeeBB · 17/02/2023 21:17

Willowwallow · 17/02/2023 20:27

You need to ask the birthday child’s parent.

This exactly. Its not rocket science.

prescribingmum · 17/02/2023 21:17

Honestly just ask the host and make it clear you are willing to pay and don't expect anything.

As parents, we should all understand that many families have multiple children and will not always have readily available childcare for siblings. There is absolutely no rudeness in asking where you've made it clear theyre not obliged to accept.

Some parents would prefer the child came and brought siblings rather than not come at all. Some prefer the child doesn't come if it means bringing siblings and sees asking as an offence (although I am yet to meet anyone who is like the latter in real life). Sometimes it is no issue to have another person and there may be other older siblings of similar age there, others it genuinely cannot be accommodated. You will never know which category it fits into if you don't ask. You don't have any expectations and are completely reasonable with what you intentions if they are able to come

Jeds55 · 17/02/2023 21:18

People asked me this (at my dd's 4th party) and it was absolutely fine by me and the venue. All you can do is ask.
Hope your 3 year old gets to go. Much better to be upfront than to all rock up without checking.

Original poster
Charliebrow · 17/02/2023 21:18

CjCreggs · 17/02/2023 21:15

YABU. When I worked for venues that did private parties and hired them
Out. it was done on max numbers. So you rocking up with 2 uninvited guests would mean that 2 of the invited guests would not be allowed in.

Where I work we asked for names of the children or counted in on a clicker and once we got to max capacity that was it no more. Not our problem that the people in the venue weren't invited.

More times than I could count the party parents would have to go round and ask the siblings who weren't invited to leave so that their child's friends could attend the party.

If you can't get anyone to look after, don't go

Ok so that would be shocking and it wouldnt have crossed my mind in a million years that that could happen, but yes if the building has a maximum capacity then I see it would be possible

OP posts:
Maryandherlamb · 17/02/2023 21:19

I think declining and explaining why sounds good. Something like "we'd really love to come but sadly I don't have anybody to care for my 6yr old and 1yr old so we won't be able to attend". They can then extend the invite or accept you declining. I feel for you though... it's really sad that they might have to miss out.

GiltEdges · 17/02/2023 21:20

We hired out a full venue for DS’s birthday recently and were charged a set fee for exclusive use, plus a cost per child. So I’d have been pretty annoyed if any of the parents had done what you’re considering and just turned up with extra children, because the venue would have charged us. However if you’d asked me ahead of time that would be absolutely fair enough, so that’s what I’d do.

Oysterbabe · 17/02/2023 21:20

The only option is to ask the host.

new2mn · 17/02/2023 21:21

Charliebrow · 17/02/2023 21:07

Ok, so would it be better if I message the host and decline the invite with an apology and explain hubby away and no one to look after her 2 siblings. That way she can reply that they’re welcome too if she wants and isn’t made to feel
awkward?

I don't think you should do this. She'll think her only option is to extend a full invite, which she might not be able to do. She is certainly not going to say "they can come but not participate in anything" as it sounds too mean – better to issue a polite blanket refusal.

Just ask her straight up, tell her your intentions (for siblings to have own entertainment, not to eat party food etc), but end off politely saying you completely understand if that's not possible.

ShandaLear · 17/02/2023 21:22

No - can you get one of the other parents to take her? Or drop her off and pick her up? You really can’t just land the host with extra kids at an exclusive hire.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/02/2023 21:22

fairywhale · 17/02/2023 21:17

They will feel they'll have to say yes, so don't ask.
Ask another parent to look after your kid if they can, ask to drop or decline the invite. That's what the rest of the people with no childcare for the day would do and that's not fair exceptions will be made for some and not for others.

It's a lot easier for some parents than others, though. If you're a 2 parent household and neither of you work weekends, it's easy to divide and conquer. Not so simple if you are a SP or your partner works shifts - your DC end up missing out on every party until kids get past the age where the parents stay. It's miserable for them and makes them feel really left out.

Personally I think that, if you expect the parents to stay, you have to factor in some sibs.

DieselBlue89 · 17/02/2023 21:23

Tricky one! If you're not able to take them all to the party, could you take them somewhere the 3 year will love as an alternative?

Zippy1510 · 17/02/2023 21:23

Lots of places have a maximum invitee number. I would be so annoyed if you rocked up with your uninvited
kids and caused a problem with the numbers of invited guests.

Jeds55 · 17/02/2023 21:23

Also, just to add I'm sure some of the invitees won't be able to attend so even if they invited the max numbers there may be room. Better to maybe wait a few days (if rsvp date allows) so host has a better idea of numbers

keepcalm11 · 17/02/2023 21:24

I've voted not unreasonable OP, If I was the host I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if extra siblings turned up at my kids parties, but I appreciate its more complicated if it's at a venue where there may be restrictions on numbers. I hope your DC don't miss out.

mummabubs · 17/02/2023 21:26

Hmmm. Given the updates I'd probably be inclined to call the venue again first, explain the situation again and ask whether they are at max capacity on that date ie can your kids definitely not come even if they don't participate... As if the response is no they're at 100% capacity then that makes the decision for you. Assuming they could theoretically accommodate then I'd contact the host and explain that you'd have to bring the siblings but outline clearly they'd want and need no catering for, equally if the answer is no then you completely understand.
I 100% don't think just taking them along without asking would be in any way ok.

RobertaFirmino · 17/02/2023 21:26

Oh for crying out loud, ASK HER! We can't give you permission. All the ifs and buts in the world won't make a jot of difference, the only way you will know for sure is to ASK. Nobody minds being asked if something is possible. Everybody minds cheeky fuckery.

SparkleShot · 17/02/2023 21:28

Ooh I've booked a role play village for my daughter's 4th birthday in a couple of weeks. I'm waiting for some replies from nursery friends, I wonder if it's you!

I've had one polite message asking if siblings can come because they have no childcare but it's a really small venue so I had to say no (unless I get some who can't come). I didn't think it was rude to ask but I would think it was really rude to bring them without asking.

Now I'm worried people are just going to show up with siblings...

new2mn · 17/02/2023 21:29

new2mn · 17/02/2023 21:21

I don't think you should do this. She'll think her only option is to extend a full invite, which she might not be able to do. She is certainly not going to say "they can come but not participate in anything" as it sounds too mean – better to issue a polite blanket refusal.

Just ask her straight up, tell her your intentions (for siblings to have own entertainment, not to eat party food etc), but end off politely saying you completely understand if that's not possible.

Show quote history

Or if you're planning on paying for your kids

letthemalldoone · 17/02/2023 21:30

Could you pay one of your 3 year old's minders from nursery to take her?

Bunnycat101 · 17/02/2023 21:30

I have a similar party coming up- was worried for a second it was mine! There is a max capacity for the venue including adults and babies so have asked for people to let me know if they need to bring siblings as not 100% sure I can accommodate due to venue numbers.

3 is too young to drop and go. I think you can say to host that child would love to come but you’re on your own and would need to bring x2 siblings. Also say no expectation of them being able to come but if any flex let you know. I wouldn’t mind a message like that at all.

gawditswindy · 17/02/2023 21:31

Send a wee message. I wouldn't have been remotely fussed at my DDs party.