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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dinner - who should compromise?

302 replies

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:04

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 16/02/2023 15:24

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:33

Ok fine! I am couple B!

They are my in laws, DH’s parents and DH has the interview. I think BIL and SIL are being really unfair here and I feel sorry for DH. He is going to agree to Sunday even though it’s rubbish for him because he knows it’s the nicest thing for his parents. I feel sad on his behalf but not sure if I’m overly biased. it’s not how I would handle things in my family but they aren’t my parents.

Glad you aren't A @User171953

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:25

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 15:21

But the parents will look after the toddler for thr same amount of time irrespective of when you meet. In fact the later it is the more likely that the toddler will be asleep.

I do wonder if they actually knew about the interview and actually suggested this so that there would be separate dinners.

So it's the being all together which they don't want to do.

I’m not sure as haven’t gone into this level
of detail but think it might be that toddler sleeps well for the first chunk of the night and then wakes from eg 11pm, and so BIL and SIL want to get back before that so that SIL’s mum doesn’t have to deal with toddler once she wakes up? That’s the only way I can make sense of it.

Neither PILs nor BIL/SIL knew about the interview I don’t think - just unfortunate coincidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:27

Brefugee · 16/02/2023 15:22

couple A should compromise. As an aside this stuff about the toddler waking indicates PFBitis. Get used to it and enjoy the meal and ask the person if the interview went well and wish them luck with the job.

Yeah I should say that we also have a toddler who wakes up a fair bit, plus another child, and don’t have the luxury of local family so our kids are going to have to lump it with a random sitter 🤣

However that is the case both nights so it’s not really relevant here.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 15:28

But you can meet at 7.30 and be done by 10 and then home for 11.

I know you don't know but it just seems so odd

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/02/2023 15:29

Sounds like couple A need to sleep train their child

As means they can't even enjoy a night out with their family who live Miles away and prob rarely see

Either way they child is going to wake up

Whether Sunday night or Monday

They will get a disturbed night

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/02/2023 15:30

Just tell them about the interview and say you are only available on Monday night. If that means there are two separate dinners, so be it. No need to be a doormat about this.

A job interview will have long-lasting effects, one way or other. It's not precious or selfish to want time to prep for it, and to enter it in a good frame of mind. Don't cave in.

Starseeking · 16/02/2023 15:31

Have the dinner on the Monday.

The person from Couple A needing to work late should just tell their work they need to leave an hour earlier. Post Covid life is so much more flexible.

gannett · 16/02/2023 15:31

Couple A are being monumentally selfish.

OP, is there a family history of your husband's brother overriding him? I can't fathom doing anything that might mess with a loved one's job interview. It's not about wanting to get drunk (as some posters have suggested, ridiculously) - the night before a big interview you want to spend at home prepping and getting some good rest.

Your husband should really stand up for himself this time. He should tell Couple A that the Sunday plan absolutely will not work for him.

wildlifeobserver1 · 16/02/2023 15:32

Job interview is more important than 1 night of tiredness.

kindlyensure · 16/02/2023 15:34

Yeah this is bonkers. A 7.15pm dinner on Monday night can easily be done by 10pm (9.30 even) which is not late and if you are still faffing about paying the bill/coffees etc, Couple A can say their goodbyes (you could even let them off their share of the bill!)

If Couple B and PILS want to prolong the evening with champagne for the successful interview (think positive!) there is nothing to stop them hanging back for a bit while couple A head home.

This is such a non-issue. I'm sorry you don't get on with your SIL.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:34

gannett · 16/02/2023 15:31

Couple A are being monumentally selfish.

OP, is there a family history of your husband's brother overriding him? I can't fathom doing anything that might mess with a loved one's job interview. It's not about wanting to get drunk (as some posters have suggested, ridiculously) - the night before a big interview you want to spend at home prepping and getting some good rest.

Your husband should really stand up for himself this time. He should tell Couple A that the Sunday plan absolutely will not work for him.

BIL is usually fairly easy going. I think this is coming from SIL who normally seems
to organise their social calendar, and also she does more of the childcare and it’s her mum who is babysitting.

If DH says he’s not doing the Sunday then BIL and SIL have made it clear they will go ahead and so PILs won’t have everyone there together, which I know they want.

OP posts:
kindlyensure · 16/02/2023 15:36

^^😉there you go.

NotTooParticular · 16/02/2023 15:36

I'd be getting them told. If their kid wakes up it wakes up. There will be no further impact following on from that.

On the other hand your DH has a job interview. Presumably a significant impact if he doesn't get the job. He needs to focus.

"Sorry John but it's going to have to be Monday this time or separate dinners. I've got a job interview and there's a lot riding on it so we can't make Sunday".

End of.

Twiglets1 · 16/02/2023 15:37

The dinner should plainly be on the Monday evening when the person having the interview will be relaxed and feel like going out.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:37

kindlyensure · 16/02/2023 15:36

^^😉there you go.

What does this mean?

OP posts:
NotTooParticular · 16/02/2023 15:38

I bet his parents wouldn't want him to risk messing up a job interview just so you can all eat together. They'd also probably have a word with their other son who could suck it up on this occasion.

Tell them.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 15:38

The interview takes precedence. But it sounds like it will be a joyless event.

WiIson · 16/02/2023 15:40

Monday. Those who need to leave early can.

YellowDaffodillie · 16/02/2023 15:41

OMG!! For a minute there, I was worried this was about my forthcoming event. 😳

We’re having a celebration meal near to Easter for my DH’s significant birthday and visiting our two adult DC in their city. We live several hours away. I’m the one doing the planning as DH is in the dark. I’ve told adult DC to choose either Sunday or Monday and the venue and time that suits them best as they both have young children.

I definitely don’t want to eat late so would normally book an evening meal for about 6.30pm and they know this. We don’t drink but adult DC do.

I’ve not heard if they’ve booked anything yet, so I’m going to chase them up later. Dear god, don’t let this be my two. 😱 If it is, Sunday lunch is fine and we want the grandchildren there too. 😂😂

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:43

YellowDaffodillie · 16/02/2023 15:41

OMG!! For a minute there, I was worried this was about my forthcoming event. 😳

We’re having a celebration meal near to Easter for my DH’s significant birthday and visiting our two adult DC in their city. We live several hours away. I’m the one doing the planning as DH is in the dark. I’ve told adult DC to choose either Sunday or Monday and the venue and time that suits them best as they both have young children.

I definitely don’t want to eat late so would normally book an evening meal for about 6.30pm and they know this. We don’t drink but adult DC do.

I’ve not heard if they’ve booked anything yet, so I’m going to chase them up later. Dear god, don’t let this be my two. 😱 If it is, Sunday lunch is fine and we want the grandchildren there too. 😂😂

Ha ha no it isn’t! PILs are definitely not teetotal 🤣

OP posts:
Youwhatnowbiggles · 16/02/2023 15:43

Absolutely on the Monday. You have a babysitter and can get home in good time if you’re meeting at 7:15/30.

WaltzingWaters · 16/02/2023 15:43

Couple A sound precious and entitled. A 7:30pm start for an adults only event is fine, they can still leave a couple hours later and be in bed by 10. I say this with a 10 month old who wakes often.

evemillbank · 16/02/2023 15:46

Definitely on Sunday

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 15:47

@YellowDaffodillie I bet your heart nearly stopped there for a while 😂

seekingafreshstart · 16/02/2023 15:47

I have limited sympathy with your DH not wanting to do Sunday because he wants to have a drink - it's not a big deal for him to stay sober one evening. However, if he's genuinely going to be stressing about the interview, that's completely different, and I think SIL and BIL are being unkind not considering how on edge he's going to be throughout.

I also have limited sympathy with Couple A regarding the toddler on Monday - they have a babysitter. Bedtimes are only relevant when you're eating out with the children. If they don't want the grandparent to have to deal with a waking toddler, they should find another babysitter. Also, we're not talking a huge time differential, so they're just being awkward.