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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Wives

113 replies

Charlavail · 16/02/2023 13:28

Apparently I can't take a joke...
I went in to DP's work car today and there was a valentines day card. We had given each other ours on the actual day but I did wonder if had bought one and forgotten about it.
When I opened it, it was too DP signed from "Sam" (your work wife). I asked DP about it and he got very defensive and said it was a joke and he hadn't sent on back.
He had mentioned this woman before but no more than other colleagues.
AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

OP posts:
JMSA · 16/02/2023 13:30

I think it's a joke. Has he ever given you reason not to trust him?

BeetleyCarapace · 16/02/2023 13:34

The whole 'work wife' ho-ho-ha-ha joke is so old and tired.

I can't bear it myself but it does seem to happen quite a lot and each time I've encountered it, it's been benign (if somewhat patronising).

It's not something I'd immediately see my arse about unless there was additional context.

ALS94 · 16/02/2023 13:35

I consider that weird and disrespectful. I have no problems with close friends at work and my DP actually does have a very close female friend, but if he referred to her as a work wife then I would have a problem.

But the solution to this is not just telling your DH to sleep on the sofa, you need to have a proper conversation about how you don’t like that and he needs to put a stop to it.

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 13:35

It's a joke

ForensicFlossy · 16/02/2023 13:36

It's not his fault that he received a card.

Nevermind31 · 16/02/2023 13:37

Harmless joke. An affair would not call themselves a work wife - nothing less sexy than that

donquixotedelamancha · 16/02/2023 13:40

It's a joke.

You'll get plenty of people who want to encourage paranoia and possessiveness on MN but if you tried to make me sleep on the settee because of a joke card I'd probably dump you.

IWineAndDontDine · 16/02/2023 14:06

It is a joke. Although not sure I'd be so bold as to get my married colleague a jokey valentine card. Also, why didn't he mention it? I'd be a bit miffed.

booboo24 · 16/02/2023 14:33

I don't think I'd get too worked up over this, it's clearly how they view each other at work and it's just a joke that seems to crop up time and time again. I doubt it's ever used for a couple having an affair. I'd assume he hadn't bought the card into the house because he thought you might not like it? (Nothing wrong with not liking it, but also nothing wrong with him keeping it out if the way). On it's own I wouldn't be suspicious

Suzi888 · 16/02/2023 14:36

donquixotedelamancha · 16/02/2023 13:40

It's a joke.

You'll get plenty of people who want to encourage paranoia and possessiveness on MN but if you tried to make me sleep on the settee because of a joke card I'd probably dump you.

^ I agree.

No trust, what’s the point.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 16/02/2023 14:37

I hate the 'work wife' thing but I don't think your husband would have left the card on view in his car if there was anything more going on.

Confusedteacher · 16/02/2023 14:39

It’s a joke but it’s a bit weird on her part.

5128gap · 16/02/2023 14:40

Yes it's a joke. Typically denoting a 'special friend' of the opposite sex at work, it can range from the purely platonic mate who has your back and eats lunch with you, and just happens to be a woman; to a full on 'if only we weren't both married' flirtation and/or emotional affair hidden under the cliché. So whether it's a joke you're comfortable with in your marriage would no doubt depend on what it looked like, and where your boundaries lie.
(And a hundred people can come on here to tell you about their innocent work friendships with men, and they will all be irrelevant to what's going on with your H because they're not his particular 'work wife')
Making him sleep on the sofa will resolve nothing though. Talk to him and agree your boundaries. Its not his fault he got a card, but he could have told her it wasn't appropriate and binned it, so he's not entirely passive in this.

GingerPigz · 16/02/2023 14:41

Sam over stepped the mark but, from what you've said, it sounds like your husband is innocent so don't make him sleep in the sofa. He should, however, acknowledge your feelings about this and not make you feel bad.

WhineWhineWINE · 16/02/2023 14:45

I think it's rude and shit stirring to send a valentines card to a married co-worker and I'd dislike Sam immediately if it were me. I'd also wonder what about my husband's relationship with her made her think it was acceptable. But it really depends on whether you trust your DH or not.

ChatInMyFlat · 16/02/2023 14:46

I work in a team where everyone does a shift in pairs, often male and female. Some of them refer to each as work wife / husband. It's not something I would do, but each to their own.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/02/2023 14:49

I'd take as a joke and wouldn't care.

Dominoeffecter · 16/02/2023 14:50

I wouldn’t like it but he didn’t do anything, it’s ‘Sam’ you should be peeved with.

ItchyBillco · 16/02/2023 15:00

It might be a ‘joke’. It’s a weird one though.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/02/2023 15:02

Genuinely surprised this thread hasn't been inundated with posts telling you he's having an affair. That must be a first for Mumsnet.

BlondeBombshelf · 16/02/2023 15:02

My DH used to have a work wife. Now me and him plus his work wife and her husband are really good mates and go out regularly 😆 😆 The other husband and I just think it’s funny. And the work spouses now haven’t worked together for about 5 years.

samqueens · 16/02/2023 15:05

5128gap · 16/02/2023 14:40

Yes it's a joke. Typically denoting a 'special friend' of the opposite sex at work, it can range from the purely platonic mate who has your back and eats lunch with you, and just happens to be a woman; to a full on 'if only we weren't both married' flirtation and/or emotional affair hidden under the cliché. So whether it's a joke you're comfortable with in your marriage would no doubt depend on what it looked like, and where your boundaries lie.
(And a hundred people can come on here to tell you about their innocent work friendships with men, and they will all be irrelevant to what's going on with your H because they're not his particular 'work wife')
Making him sleep on the sofa will resolve nothing though. Talk to him and agree your boundaries. Its not his fault he got a card, but he could have told her it wasn't appropriate and binned it, so he's not entirely passive in this.

This ^^

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 16/02/2023 15:23

I would think Sam wants a slice tbh. But your h didn't necessarily respond.
The concept of work wife is a dangerous one I think. Unlike Pp I've never seen it used entirely innocently. I mean people are just colleagues aren't they-what need is there to our some extra label on it-unless it's a bit flirty from one or both directions?

KrisAkabusi · 16/02/2023 15:24

Why do you want to punish your husband for something someone else did? That's fucked up.

takealettermsjones · 16/02/2023 15:29

I have someone who is my closest colleague, I wouldn't call him my "work husband" but we work on a lot of projects together, eat lunch together, etc. So I tried to imagine what I would do if he gave me a valentine's card... honestly, I'd be a bit uncomfortable, and I would probably cool the friendship right off because I would interpret it as him getting the wrong end of the stick and 'testing the waters' so to speak. I know the sexes are reversed here but I would imagine it would be the same if it were the other way around.

If I were you I wouldn't make your husband sleep on the sofa but I would talk to him about whether he thinks this woman might be misinterpreting his friendship and thinking he might be interested in more from her.