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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work Wives

113 replies

Charlavail · 16/02/2023 13:28

Apparently I can't take a joke...
I went in to DP's work car today and there was a valentines day card. We had given each other ours on the actual day but I did wonder if had bought one and forgotten about it.
When I opened it, it was too DP signed from "Sam" (your work wife). I asked DP about it and he got very defensive and said it was a joke and he hadn't sent on back.
He had mentioned this woman before but no more than other colleagues.
AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

OP posts:

Wilkolampshade · 16/02/2023 16:28

Surprised at the answers to this actually.
In the last place I worked, this was the situation between the big boss and my line-manager. It was toxic. They became more and more weirdly exclusive, managing colleagues out of the shared office until they were on their own most of the time.
At an after work event they got pissed, snogged and big boss drunkenly confided in me.
The next day, presumably remembering he'd told me, he and she started moves to get me out. (I jumped before they could in the end)
To make it worse, his real wife was terminally ill.
Fucking awful.

Eleganz · 16/02/2023 16:33

Your AIBU was about whether you should make your husband sleep on the sofa for receiving a card - YABU.

As for whether the card itself denotes big issue depends on a lot more context than you have provided.

2bazookas · 16/02/2023 16:35

*AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

So unimaginative. Just parcel up his dirty laundry and send it to his work wife.

OhMyBleedingHeart · 16/02/2023 16:56

Typical responses downplaying the op's valid feelings. I would not like this, and if you do, that's your business. Others take issue with it.

In the same way flirting is 'just a joke' and the wives/partners should just have some trust eh? Not seen each other naked so no issue. Never mind your own feelings and boundaries of appropriateness in your own relationship.

FabFitFifties · 16/02/2023 17:02

He may be completely innocent, but I doubt she is. I don't like the way he is defending her and making you out to be in the wrong. I think she is at least testing the waters. It's disrespectful and unprofessional. I'd be making sure he knew that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 17:04

OhMyBleedingHeart · 16/02/2023 16:56

Typical responses downplaying the op's valid feelings. I would not like this, and if you do, that's your business. Others take issue with it.

People who feel differently abut this aren't downplaying her feelings - they just have a different opinion.

Which is what she js canvassing here.

LavenderHillMob · 16/02/2023 17:06

I've had a work husband. I cannot imagine sending anything like this on any planet in any solar system. Just no.

Would be seriously looking at the judgement / motivation of the sender. Not a joke at all.

GetUps · 16/02/2023 17:09

LavenderHillMob · 16/02/2023 17:06

I've had a work husband. I cannot imagine sending anything like this on any planet in any solar system. Just no.

Would be seriously looking at the judgement / motivation of the sender. Not a joke at all.

Yes, the whole point about a "work wife" is it's all the practical/platonic things a wife does at home. As soon as it's "romantic" it becomes something else. Even if they try to pretend it's a joke - which is why the response has been so defensive IMO

PrincessHoneysuckle · 16/02/2023 17:12

Sam's testing the water by sending the card

Favouritefruits · 16/02/2023 17:17

I think it’s a joke, my husband has a work wife, I know it’s a joke and don’t feel intimidated by her she has a lovely firefighter husband and three kids.

unstoppable1 · 16/02/2023 19:16

PrincessHoneysuckle · 16/02/2023 17:12

Sam's testing the water by sending the card

Sam needs a kick in her see you next Tuesday.

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:23

Favouritefruits · 16/02/2023 17:17

I think it’s a joke, my husband has a work wife, I know it’s a joke and don’t feel intimidated by her she has a lovely firefighter husband and three kids.

Does she send your husband Valentine's cards?

Tribollite · 16/02/2023 19:24

I've been a work wife a few times. No way on earth would I have ever sent any of them a Valentines.

Viviennemary · 16/02/2023 19:25

This is just simply not on. Its no laughing matter.

Devoutspoken · 16/02/2023 19:25

Yep dodgy as hell, especially as he got defensive

VirtualRealitee · 16/02/2023 19:28

AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

How do you plan on 'making' him do that?

Mummysgogetter · 16/02/2023 19:33

Sam is a penis flytrap waiting to happen

soboredtonight · 16/02/2023 19:39

If it was something dodge surely he wouldn't leave it in his car.

soboredtonight · 16/02/2023 19:42

Sam should have been mindful though that it could have been taken the wrong way.

I send my boss a bottle of spirits every year but I address it to him and his wife.

alpenguin · 16/02/2023 19:45

Send her a bag full of his sweaty socks and skiddy knickers labelled to work wife let’s share the wife work.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 16/02/2023 19:51

No !

My 'work husband' for the last 27 years is married to his husband of 10years (and together 40) . We absolutely love each other, work in a super challenging area (CSE) and look after each other like no one else including my fabulous DH could ever understand. (A d thank Goodness never tries nor pulls any jealousy shit)

SnackyOnassis · 16/02/2023 19:54

I don't think it's appropriate, but I also wouldn't see her as a legitimate threat.

I've always found the 'work wife' thing a little sweaty when I've seen it in action, in my opinion and experience it's a bit pathetic to see a woman in the workplace who should be driving her own career forward spending time reminding some bloke of things he needs to get done, fetching him lunch or coffees, putting all this effort into some bloke who rarely directs the same thought or attention towards her, and being pleased with the title of work wife in place of respect for her skills or talent. Maybe it's just the particular scenarios I've seen but it seemed like an otherwise capable woman picking up crumbs from some bloke and was pretty sad to see.

Sleepingmole · 16/02/2023 19:56

I’d find my husband getting a valentines card upsetting as would most! I don’t like the work wife/husband thing at all. I don’t know why it’s an ‘accepted’ thing

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 19:57

alpenguin · 16/02/2023 19:45

Send her a bag full of his sweaty socks and skiddy knickers labelled to work wife let’s share the wife work.

Some wives don't do that shit?

OP it's a joke, making him sleep in the sofa tonight is ridiculous. If you don't want to sleep next to him, you take the sofa?

Ziggyzagg · 16/02/2023 19:58

Yanbu! I wouldn’t make him sleep on sofa if you can stand to be around him but definitely a big conversation about how this is totally unacceptable.

I don’t know why so many woman on here are OK with it. It’s bloody disrespectful to op and if he had any decency he’d have binned it. Some colleagues once took the piss and put kisses on a birthday card for a colleague underneath a woman’s name. He said there was no way he’s take that home for wife to see and binned it.

Your OH could have done similar but sounds like he was loving this, keeping it in the car. What an idiot and the woman involved is seriously deranged or for some reason thinks it’s okay to stomp over normal boundaries with him cause he probably encourages her behaviour overtly or by saying nothing cause he secretly loves it!

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