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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work Wives

113 replies

Charlavail · 16/02/2023 13:28

Apparently I can't take a joke...
I went in to DP's work car today and there was a valentines day card. We had given each other ours on the actual day but I did wonder if had bought one and forgotten about it.
When I opened it, it was too DP signed from "Sam" (your work wife). I asked DP about it and he got very defensive and said it was a joke and he hadn't sent on back.
He had mentioned this woman before but no more than other colleagues.
AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

OP posts:

DulcetTones · 17/02/2023 23:10

I dislike the "work wife" joke. I find it disrespectful and unnecessary—and I think it's okay to voice that opinion to your husband. It would also make me view "Sam" differently when she comes up in conversation about his work. I'd be more curious about how she looks, how much time they spend together, how much they have in common, etc., but I wouldn't assume there was anything happening between them based purely on one cheap, stupid card, unless the card or the message inside was suggestive or overly familiar.

Essentially, I'd take the information and store it away, but try not to overreact or dwell on it.

WandaWonder · 17/02/2023 23:10

brokenarmabroad · 17/02/2023 22:55

Funny how straight men never seem to have work husbands. Or likewise women and work wives.

Totally inappropriate and very unprofessional imo.

Sure the joke is old but I don't get the connection between a straight man having a 'work husband' or the reverse for women as the joke is having a 'wife' as in a straight person has a version of what they may have at home

Sure we don't have to get it or can find it annoying or whatever but I don't get the logic of what you are saying

And why is it unprofessional and inappropriate? So 100% of whatever happens at work has to be solely about working?

FancyFanny · 17/02/2023 23:31

Nobody would refer tp themselves a a 'work wife' if there was anything romantic going on. It's just office banter!

FancyFanny · 17/02/2023 23:34

brokenarmabroad · 17/02/2023 22:55

Funny how straight men never seem to have work husbands. Or likewise women and work wives.

Totally inappropriate and very unprofessional imo.

Actually, the two admin women at my work refer to the other as their 'work wife' (they are both straight women and married).

PlumbleCrumble · 17/02/2023 23:40

It does sound like a joke, but I don't think it's a very appropriate joke and if this was my husband I would feel pretty annoyed with Sam.

PlumbleCrumble · 17/02/2023 23:40

I was hoping Sam the work wife was a middle aged man 😂

5128gap · 18/02/2023 08:40

PlumbleCrumble · 17/02/2023 23:40

It does sound like a joke, but I don't think it's a very appropriate joke and if this was my husband I would feel pretty annoyed with Sam.

To be fair to Sam, it's vanishingly unlikely she decided to describe herself as his work wife without the term ever having used between them before, and without some sort of especially close relationship to justify it. She won't have created that on her own.
We really have no idea of the Hs role in this. We don't know what their relationship looks like or whether he also sent a card. We do know HE didn't feel the card was inappropriate or he wouldn't have tried to say OP had no SOH about it.
Getting mad at some random women and blaming her is just going for the low hanging fruit. The problem is the Hs behaviour as he has crossed the boundaries of the marriage by participating in this 'joke'.

marmb87 · 18/02/2023 10:44

I would be absolutely raging 😂

sam is so very bold to send a jokey valentine to a married work colleague.

Flowerypillow · 18/02/2023 11:33

FancyFanny · 17/02/2023 23:31

Nobody would refer tp themselves a a 'work wife' if there was anything romantic going on. It's just office banter!

I don't think that's necessarily true. It can be, but also people hide "goings on" in plain sight. "What us, don't be daft were just friends, men and women can be friend you know".

I think when it genuinely is just friendship , both parties will recognise that it could be uncomfortable for the spouses and respect that relationship, be very aware of where the line is both in terms of actual behaviour and appearances.

VioletaDelValle · 18/02/2023 11:54

I guarantee that in a work environment where someone is being referred to as a work wife people are inwardly cringing and/or assuming affair.

katenutzs · 18/02/2023 12:45

If you tried to make me sleep on the settee because of a joke card I'd think twice about being with someone so jealous. A good way to oush him out the door

TheUnforecastedStorm · 19/02/2023 08:15

brokenarmabroad · 17/02/2023 22:55

Funny how straight men never seem to have work husbands. Or likewise women and work wives.

Totally inappropriate and very unprofessional imo.

I was just thinking the opposite! I work in a very female dominated environment and have had a ‘work wife’ in the past. I have a husband at home. The joke was just that we were always together at work really, would go in a pair at terrible ‘Away Days’, always had lunch together. The men in my line of work are so few and far between (I’ve worked with three different men in ten years, once or twice a week) that it would seem ridiculous for any of us to have been a work wife to them…
Conversely DH works in a very male environment and there are a couple of people who are referred to by others as having a work wife…but the ‘wife’ is male.
Overall it’s a silly joke IME, with more of a ‘sisterhood’ slant to it for women and a pisstaking one for men.

LikeTearsInRain · 19/02/2023 08:16

It’s just a joke a work wife is just a woman they have to work with a lot and invariably stops them stepping wrong on numerous occasions

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