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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Wives

113 replies

Charlavail · 16/02/2023 13:28

Apparently I can't take a joke...
I went in to DP's work car today and there was a valentines day card. We had given each other ours on the actual day but I did wonder if had bought one and forgotten about it.
When I opened it, it was too DP signed from "Sam" (your work wife). I asked DP about it and he got very defensive and said it was a joke and he hadn't sent on back.
He had mentioned this woman before but no more than other colleagues.
AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa tonight?

OP posts:
Btjdkfnn · 16/02/2023 15:30

Inappropriate behaviour from the sender. Could be construed as a come on.

It isn’t funny to send a valentine’s card to someone who’s living with partner/married. It’s weird.

im not sure what your dp has done wrong though, unless he is actually fucking her, or is in the process of getting too close to her.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 16/02/2023 15:36

Unless Sam is absolutely repulsive to him, much older than him or a lesbian I would not be happy with this really 🤣

Yes I am BU to be calling a woman repulsive but there we go.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 16/02/2023 15:37

I’d be more annoyed she thinks it’s ok to send the card really, I would never do this and I have a pretty good sense of humour and don’t like life to seriously. It’s disrespectful to the proper wife.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/02/2023 15:41

Not funny. And he didn’t have to display it, he could have put it in the bin.

Fleur405 · 16/02/2023 15:44

I’m imagining a colleague at work gave me a valentine card and as a result my OH tried to make me sleep on the sofa. I’d be pretty pissed off considering I wouldn’t have done anything wrong in this scenario. I’d make him sleep on the sofa if he wanted to irrationally sulk about it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/02/2023 15:44

I saw actual work wife/husband cards for sale and this is exactly the reaction I imagined would happen.

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 15:45

She's overstepped the mark massively but that's not your husbands fault.

PennyFarthings · 16/02/2023 15:46

It's weird and awkward, I'd hate to receive something like that from a colleague but there's no accounting for what someone else finds funny.
You are not required to find it funny, and can feel however you like about it. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/02/2023 15:57

I think it's rude and shit stirring to send a valentines card to a married co-worker

In fairness she proabably had no clue the OP might react like that. Before reading MN I had no idea that so many people find their partner's humourous interaction with the opposite sex distressing,

MissWings · 16/02/2023 15:58

Nar, not for us. Slippery slope. I would never give anyone a work husband card either to be honest. I do find it a little crass.

TidyDancer · 16/02/2023 16:01

It's a joke and I couldn't see this bothering me personally. I have both a work wife and a work husband and I have not seen either of them naked. Obviously if you have suspicions for other reasons or your relationship has been through the wringer a bit then I can completely see why it would upset you.

unstoppable1 · 16/02/2023 16:05

Can someone explain to me what all this work wife stuff is about please?

unstoppable1 · 16/02/2023 16:06

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/02/2023 15:41

Not funny. And he didn’t have to display it, he could have put it in the bin.

Yeah exactly, I bet he loved it! 🙄

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 16/02/2023 16:08

PennyFarthings · 16/02/2023 15:46

It's weird and awkward, I'd hate to receive something like that from a colleague but there's no accounting for what someone else finds funny.
You are not required to find it funny, and can feel however you like about it. Nobody gets to tell you how to feel.

This.

The thing is that it's awkward and distressing to realise your spouse or very long term partner sees something like this differently to you. Especially if they think it's appropriate to tell you that you are overreacting. You do realise then that you don't really know them and they don't really know you. Which is deeply disappointing if you've been in a marriage or living together for years and have children...

It's something I'd have binned any early-stage relationship for with absolutely no doubts - not because it necessarily means unfaithfulness but because I don't want a partner who thinks the work wife joke is funny and that their actual wife or girlfriend should think so too. If both partners think it's great then good for them, as long as they're on the same page, but it's equally not wrong or lacking a sense of humour to find it unfunny, disrespectful and inappropriate.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 16:10

It's odd that he didn't tell you about it. My dh works with mainly women and I know which ones refer to themselves as his work wife. So if they happened to do this (naff joke btw) then he would tell me.

So that would be my issue.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 16/02/2023 16:13

5128gap · 16/02/2023 14:40

Yes it's a joke. Typically denoting a 'special friend' of the opposite sex at work, it can range from the purely platonic mate who has your back and eats lunch with you, and just happens to be a woman; to a full on 'if only we weren't both married' flirtation and/or emotional affair hidden under the cliché. So whether it's a joke you're comfortable with in your marriage would no doubt depend on what it looked like, and where your boundaries lie.
(And a hundred people can come on here to tell you about their innocent work friendships with men, and they will all be irrelevant to what's going on with your H because they're not his particular 'work wife')
Making him sleep on the sofa will resolve nothing though. Talk to him and agree your boundaries. Its not his fault he got a card, but he could have told her it wasn't appropriate and binned it, so he's not entirely passive in this.

This is a good post.

MadeOfSteel · 16/02/2023 16:15

I think it's just a joke. But an inappropriate one.

JackiePlace · 16/02/2023 16:17

Are work spouses attracted to each other?

Indeed, according to the SHRM survey, a whopping 50% of employees with work spouses admitted romantic attraction to this person. In the SimplyHired survey 84% of men and 61% of women reported romantic attraction to their work spouse.

seekingafreshstart · 16/02/2023 16:17

I don't see anything wrong with being or having a work wife.

Card is maybe taking the joke too far, but hard to tell without being one of the people involved. There might have been some context or an in-joke involved.

BarryK3nt · 16/02/2023 16:19

It’s a joke, I have a work husband and I’m not the slightest bit attracted to him.

itsgettingweird · 16/02/2023 16:21

It's a joke. And he can't help what he's been sent!

I often hear of work wives at work and we work in a very female dominated workplace where there's 2 men and 50 woman!

It's just an expression 🤷‍♀️

GetUps · 16/02/2023 16:23

I think it's all a bit rubbish and unfunny of them both, but I don't think it necessarily makes her a threat. His reaction might indicate something's not right though.

Either way, it would make him much less attractive to me.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/02/2023 16:24

I was in the card shop the other day and saw these cards. I said I would be mightily pissed off if DH sent or received one

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 16/02/2023 16:26

Why didn't he shred it?

I think it's going too far and he needs to be enforcing boundaries, talking about his actual wife a lot.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 16:28

JackiePlace · 16/02/2023 16:17

Are work spouses attracted to each other?

Indeed, according to the SHRM survey, a whopping 50% of employees with work spouses admitted romantic attraction to this person. In the SimplyHired survey 84% of men and 61% of women reported romantic attraction to their work spouse.

Meh. As long as they don't act on it. I'm happily married. I'd still say I'm attracted to the odd man I meet (or see in the movies).

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