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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To never let dd out to play

253 replies

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 16:33

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/02/2023 13:45

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 23:01

@Pebstk it’s not just drinking or giving into peer pressure although that is a worry. There were multiple dangerous situations I ended up in because I wasn’t mature enough to make good decisions and I also ended up around a few predatory men.

You were neglected. You weren't educated in street safety.

Thats different to being allowed to play out with responsible parenting.

Very different.

The fact you don't see a difference is the telling bit. You are going from one absoluete to another which potentially could leave your child vulnerable in all the same ways!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2023 15:17

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 23:01

@Pebstk it’s not just drinking or giving into peer pressure although that is a worry. There were multiple dangerous situations I ended up in because I wasn’t mature enough to make good decisions and I also ended up around a few predatory men.

As I said yesterday, @Rainbowdrops2021, I assume you trust your dd, and think you have brought her up with high standards of behaviour and self respect, and there will come a point where you will have to give her her independence, and then her upbringing will help her to make good decisions about who to be friends with, and what to do.

This is the approach we took with our three boys, and they did not let us - or themselves - down. They weren’t perfect, but they behaved well enough not to be a nuisance to other people or a danger to themselves and others. We trusted them, and the way we had brought them up, and it worked.

And making mistakes is an important part of learning - no-one is perfect, and when we make a mistake, hopefully we don’t make that mistake again. Your dd will need to learn the skills of self control, self determination and independence, and these will be lessons that you can’t teach her just in theory, or without letting her make her own decisions, in the fullness of time.

If she never gets to just hang out with her friends, even if that is just mooching around aimlessly, not doing anything productive, then when she does finally fly the nest, she might go completely off the rails - and she won’t have the knowledge and street smarts to make sensible decisions.

To give you an analogy, my mum was very controlling about food, especially treats, so when I left home and was earning my own money, I hadn’t learned how to control my own appetite, so I ate lots of the wrong things, and developed a very unhealthy relationship with food that still causes me major issues to this day. If my mum had loosened the reins a bit, I could have learned the skills I needed at a much earlier age, and might not be the overweight mess I am now. I’m not saying it’s the whole story, but it does demonstrate how, as parents, we need to gradually allow our children more independence, so they can learn life skills that we can’t teach them whilst keeping them close to our sides, under our strict control.

Rainbowdrops2021 · 16/02/2023 17:56

Funnily enough I saw my SIL today, so my dd played with her cousins and I had this conversation with her. She actually had the kind of upbringing I’m talking about and thanks her mum for it, she had a group of girl friends and none of them were allowed to just hang around the streets they had to go to a friends to hand out or go window shopping for a Mc donnalds ect but they never just hung around the local area, she said meeting my brother when she was 17 was a shock because even then when he took her to a gross house with older people in to drink she hadn’t been exposed to that kind of thing. She graduated with honours by the way, still has all of her friends (I don’t) and has 3 lovely children. It is possible to raise children without letting them hang about the street. And with that I’m done. I’ve made my mind up.

OP posts:
IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:19

Rainbowdrops2021 · 16/02/2023 17:56

Funnily enough I saw my SIL today, so my dd played with her cousins and I had this conversation with her. She actually had the kind of upbringing I’m talking about and thanks her mum for it, she had a group of girl friends and none of them were allowed to just hang around the streets they had to go to a friends to hand out or go window shopping for a Mc donnalds ect but they never just hung around the local area, she said meeting my brother when she was 17 was a shock because even then when he took her to a gross house with older people in to drink she hadn’t been exposed to that kind of thing. She graduated with honours by the way, still has all of her friends (I don’t) and has 3 lovely children. It is possible to raise children without letting them hang about the street. And with that I’m done. I’ve made my mind up.

Going window shopping but not hanging about the streets 🤔

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 18:29

Rainbowdrops2021 · 16/02/2023 17:56

Funnily enough I saw my SIL today, so my dd played with her cousins and I had this conversation with her. She actually had the kind of upbringing I’m talking about and thanks her mum for it, she had a group of girl friends and none of them were allowed to just hang around the streets they had to go to a friends to hand out or go window shopping for a Mc donnalds ect but they never just hung around the local area, she said meeting my brother when she was 17 was a shock because even then when he took her to a gross house with older people in to drink she hadn’t been exposed to that kind of thing. She graduated with honours by the way, still has all of her friends (I don’t) and has 3 lovely children. It is possible to raise children without letting them hang about the street. And with that I’m done. I’ve made my mind up.

Hmmm she definitely hung around the town by the sounds of it

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2023 18:37

I suspect you will have changed your mind by the time your dd is 18, @Rainbowdrops2021. You cannot control her forever and she needs to learn independence. You have to trust her at some point - I assume you do trust her and the standards you’ve taught her?

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 18:39

8 is too young in my opinion but then there are busy roads nearby me. However, by year 5 (aged 10) limited time out to go to the local park and build up.

I’d much rather my DC were out playing with their pals than sat in their bedroom talking to strangers pretending to be children online.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2023 18:39

And good luck getting a 16 year old to play at home under mummy’s eye like she did when she was 8 if she doesn’t want to - she will not be happy.

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:41

This is probably my own stuff, but children left to enjoy ‘freedom’ to me are the neglected ones. I was one of those children and would have killed for parents that took me to violin or safe play dates at home, and actually cared where I was at all times. We were left to enjoy our ‘freedoms’ and my parents (and most) have no idea at all what the children are exposed to.

Putting dc out has everything to do with the parents need for some peace and quiet - what are gaining from being on the streets exactly? An opportunity to smoke, drink and have sex sooner than you would ever imagine.

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 18:42

Better to be out in the fresh air as a young teen than being groomed online by sexual predators, white supremacists, ISIS or Incels.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2023 18:44

There is plenty of sensible middle ground between neglect and never letting your child go out with their friends, though, @Blessedwithsunshine. We raised three boys, taught them good behaviour, respect and decency, and as they grew up and matured, we let them have more independence - but we were always here, and they knew we expected them to behave when we weren’t watching them as much as when we were. And if they had done something bad, we live in a village so we would have heard, and they knew there would be consequences.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 18:45

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:41

This is probably my own stuff, but children left to enjoy ‘freedom’ to me are the neglected ones. I was one of those children and would have killed for parents that took me to violin or safe play dates at home, and actually cared where I was at all times. We were left to enjoy our ‘freedoms’ and my parents (and most) have no idea at all what the children are exposed to.

Putting dc out has everything to do with the parents need for some peace and quiet - what are gaining from being on the streets exactly? An opportunity to smoke, drink and have sex sooner than you would ever imagine.

Sorry your parents were shit. But you are far far from the truth with that post

SallyWD · 16/02/2023 18:47

Rainbowdrops2021 · 16/02/2023 17:56

Funnily enough I saw my SIL today, so my dd played with her cousins and I had this conversation with her. She actually had the kind of upbringing I’m talking about and thanks her mum for it, she had a group of girl friends and none of them were allowed to just hang around the streets they had to go to a friends to hand out or go window shopping for a Mc donnalds ect but they never just hung around the local area, she said meeting my brother when she was 17 was a shock because even then when he took her to a gross house with older people in to drink she hadn’t been exposed to that kind of thing. She graduated with honours by the way, still has all of her friends (I don’t) and has 3 lovely children. It is possible to raise children without letting them hang about the street. And with that I’m done. I’ve made my mind up.

You seem to be under the illusion that you'll be able to control her throughout her teenage years. You won't. She'll just tell you she's going to a friend's house and then will hang out in the park with her friends. I know plenty of kids who did this. The stricter their parents, the more they lied. I didn't have to lie to my parents because they allowed me to have some independence.

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:49

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/02/2023 18:44

There is plenty of sensible middle ground between neglect and never letting your child go out with their friends, though, @Blessedwithsunshine. We raised three boys, taught them good behaviour, respect and decency, and as they grew up and matured, we let them have more independence - but we were always here, and they knew we expected them to behave when we weren’t watching them as much as when we were. And if they had done something bad, we live in a village so we would have heard, and they knew there would be consequences.

Boys on a whole are not raped in parks.

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:50

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 18:45

Sorry your parents were shit. But you are far far from the truth with that post

Can you elaborate what kind of education your child is gaining exactly from roaming the streets?

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:51

SallyWD · 16/02/2023 18:47

You seem to be under the illusion that you'll be able to control her throughout her teenage years. You won't. She'll just tell you she's going to a friend's house and then will hang out in the park with her friends. I know plenty of kids who did this. The stricter their parents, the more they lied. I didn't have to lie to my parents because they allowed me to have some independence.

Did you miss reading the whole thread? We are talking about eight year olds!
Of course as they mature into teens they need more freedom. No parks for us whatever the age. Parks are for young children.

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:54

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 18:42

Better to be out in the fresh air as a young teen than being groomed online by sexual predators, white supremacists, ISIS or Incels.

Do you assume they are off line outside in the fresh air? 😂 naivety!
They are not tending to the seeds of the allotment and painting the mottled sky line!!!

UserNameSameGame · 16/02/2023 19:00

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:51

Did you miss reading the whole thread? We are talking about eight year olds!
Of course as they mature into teens they need more freedom. No parks for us whatever the age. Parks are for young children.

Did you miss read the whole thread? We are talking about teenagers. Most people have said that OP is pretty much OK at 8, but will do harm to her daughter if she is still arranging supervised play dates at 16 (which is what she seems to be planning).

SallyWD · 16/02/2023 19:01

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:51

Did you miss reading the whole thread? We are talking about eight year olds!
Of course as they mature into teens they need more freedom. No parks for us whatever the age. Parks are for young children.

Did YOU miss reading the whole thread where OP said she never wants her child to be unsupervised, will only let her see friends at their houses or be dropped and picked up from cinema etc? In my opinion that's way too restrictive for a teenager. Obviously it's fine for an 8 year old!

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 19:02

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:54

Do you assume they are off line outside in the fresh air? 😂 naivety!
They are not tending to the seeds of the allotment and painting the mottled sky line!!!

Not naive at all. You’re talking to a Gen X woman who grew up in East London so I’ve seen a few things... I was on a tight leash when very young but started being given gradual freedoms and did play out by 9/10. By the time I was a teen I did hang out and go to the park with my mates. Some of my mates drank and smoked but I didn’t want to. Not every child succumbs to peer pressure. I also developed street smarts so knew when someone looked like a wrong’un and didn’t get into situations. Street smarts have done me well in adulthood.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 16/02/2023 19:07

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:50

Can you elaborate what kind of education your child is gaining exactly from roaming the streets?

Where have I said they are roaming the streets? Why does there need to be education involved? They're kids, they're meant to play and have fun. They are out playing with their friends. My 9 year old has made a den with friends this evening on the green.

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 19:10

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 19:02

Not naive at all. You’re talking to a Gen X woman who grew up in East London so I’ve seen a few things... I was on a tight leash when very young but started being given gradual freedoms and did play out by 9/10. By the time I was a teen I did hang out and go to the park with my mates. Some of my mates drank and smoked but I didn’t want to. Not every child succumbs to peer pressure. I also developed street smarts so knew when someone looked like a wrong’un and didn’t get into situations. Street smarts have done me well in adulthood.

How do you actually know if your kid will be one of the lucky ones (like you) or the one that ends up with a serious drug addiction, raped or involved in gangs?

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 19:13

UserNameSameGame · 16/02/2023 19:00

Did you miss read the whole thread? We are talking about teenagers. Most people have said that OP is pretty much OK at 8, but will do harm to her daughter if she is still arranging supervised play dates at 16 (which is what she seems to be planning).

Nope we are talking about an eight year old. Op may well prefer her teen to be discerning as she matures but once you have raised them , and hopefully done a good enough job it is over to them as teens. Most teens if loved and genuinely cared for are great and can handle themselves.

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/02/2023 19:13

OK it’s clear you have issues Blessed so bowing out now.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2023 19:16

Blessedwithsunshine · 16/02/2023 18:49

Boys on a whole are not raped in parks.

Neither are girls either.

They are more at risk of rape than boys but the notion that parks are dangerous is part of the problem.

They are at risk of sexual exploitation on line

They are potentially also at risk of rape at a friend's house or at home with a boyfriend right under parents noses.

And I'd argue that these are the type of scenarios that women and girls are more at risk - around people they know and in places they feel safe on private premises - rather than from strangers in a public place.

Because they initially consent to something and it goes further than they want or they are somewhere out of sight of the public.