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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never let dd out to play

253 replies

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 16:33

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

OP posts:
Pebstk · 15/02/2023 22:08

I think life isn’t as simple or neat as you think.

kids who play in the streets with dolls and football don’t all become teenage Holli fans.

Lots and lots of kids with overprotective and over strict parents become teenage rebels who sneak out/tell lies/party etc. Kids like something to rebel from.

You didn’t drink and get into trouble cause your parents didn’t know where you were - it was because you chose to/peer influence etc

Original poster
Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 22:27

@IndiaDreamer No idea what SPAG police means but maybe if I spent less time on the streets as a child I would have had more time to learn how to spell properly 😜

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 22:31

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2023 21:08

I'm amazed at some of the replies here!

Playing out with friends in an estate - a cul de sac! - is fine, of course it is.

I wouldn't let an 8 yo roam around far from the house, no. But playing unsupervised, near to home, is important for teaching boundaries & self management in a gradual way.

This. And it is true for all my friends as well.

I'm baffled so many find it baffling!

Original poster
Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 23:01

@Pebstk it’s not just drinking or giving into peer pressure although that is a worry. There were multiple dangerous situations I ended up in because I wasn’t mature enough to make good decisions and I also ended up around a few predatory men.

OP posts:
topherman · 15/02/2023 23:15

My girl is 9, she was allowed out to play at the park round the corner (no roads to cross, nice are) with her friend from down the street at age 7. In the winter they are either in my house or at her friends house, but come spring/summer they're at the park/on the street and in and out for ice lollies. They have a great time and love the freedom. I always know where my daughter is and I trust that she knows what to do in an emergency as I've drummed it in to her. From everything ranging from if someone stops to ask directions to an out of control dog running up to her. Kids need freedom. It's a big bad world but these tragedies are so very rare, can't live our lives in fear.

My daughter also gets left in the house for an hour (sometimes 2 😱) since the age of 8 and has walked home from school a few times, where there are roads to cross. And guess what, I'm a social worker!

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 15/02/2023 23:23

My parents were crazy over protective, they wouldn't allow me out of their line of sight. They were also generally crazy so no one wanted to be around them. That meant no one wanted to come where I was allowed to be, which severely impacted my friendships. I wasn't invited anywhere, I was left out of conversations at school because they were discussing things they had done or were going to do (all innocent!) that I wasn't allowed to.

She might be young, but if you never let her out how is she going to learn and how will she be prepared for the future e.g. when she goes on school trips or to uni and you aren't there? You need to find a compromise. E.g. what if she went to nearby park etc but kept her location on?

motherofqilins · 15/02/2023 23:56

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen are you serious about letting a 8 year old go to the park on their own? no that is just too far at such a young age.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 16/02/2023 00:04

motherofqilins · 15/02/2023 23:56

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen are you serious about letting a 8 year old go to the park on their own? no that is just too far at such a young age.

Depends how far you live from a park. There's one on the next street along from us, no roads to cross, can see into it from the upper floor back windows of our house. I'm not suggesting letting them hop on the bus to the next county over 😂

motherofqilins · 16/02/2023 00:24

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen I guess if you can see them from the window and the friends they are going with are trust worthy too then yes but most people don't live that close to the park to be honest.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2023 00:27

Yes YABU

Your child needs to develop a social circle and needs to learn the social skills that she'll need as a teen.

What are you afraid of here?

Johnisafckface · 16/02/2023 01:48

I let my Dd play outside around 6. She was either in my yard or our neighbors yard and she always played with friends never alone. She didn’t become a teen that hangs around the neighborhood, she was too busy studying and participating in sports. But even if she wasn’t doing that she’s not the type to hang outside like that anyway.

DarkNecessities · 16/02/2023 01:53

Hanging around the park and streets with friends is one of my best childhood memories.

LBFseBrom · 16/02/2023 02:15

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 16:43

We live in a cul de sac in a quiet estate but I still don’t want her out in the street. I know people are going to think IABU but I know as children get older if their parents don’t know where they are they often get into trouble (I did) also I worry about her being hit by a car or being abducted.

I don't think children should play in the street. I never did, neither did mine but nobody else did either. Everyone had back gardens which were for playing, and the park when old enough to go out alone.

treasurefoil · 16/02/2023 02:28

@LBFseBrom depends where you live or what the kids are like. Mine have played out for years but have strict boundaries and know the friends etc. live somewhere else I would have a different idea of playing out. Some schools let year 5 or 6 walk home alone, that doesn't mean they're suddenly capable, parent needs to decide for themselves how trustworthy or sensible child is. Same as playing out, stop judging !

Chimna · 16/02/2023 03:00

Nothing wrong with feeling worried at 8 but the teens I knew that caused the most trouble and got themselves into dangerous situations were the ones lying to their parents. Just because you say no to something doesn't mean they won't do it. It's about teaching them to do things safely and knowing they have your back to contact if needed.

SD1978 · 16/02/2023 03:49

Would depend on the environment and age of kids. My sister is lucky enough to live in an area where there are small greens dotted around the estate. Groups of kids, ranging from 5 up to ten- eleven (siblings ages) all play together, in a group, in these areas unsupervised technically but within shouting distance of multiple parents. Mine lives on a street, with no areas you could play near houses, so she is only now allowed to the park with a couple of other girls (ages 10 & 11) and only under the provision they stay together. But ultimately it's about what you're comfortable with.

PennyFarthings · 16/02/2023 07:43

My kids were out playing from a young age, started on the garden then cul de sac, small park round the corner. All measured risks under my watchful eye. They learned how to be safe around roads etc.
My nephew was not allowed out (had a bicycle lock keeping his garden gate locked with him in it) and learned nothing, ran out into the road and was hit. They put their own comfort before the primal responsibility to teach him to survive in the world. Now he won't go out, he remembers his injuries and is scared of the world.
It's not about throwing open your front door and leaving them to it, it's about allowing them to grow and learn.

SuperSonicMonic · 16/02/2023 07:54

@Stompythedinosaur I suppose it depends if you live in a rough area or a lovely quiet village.

A lovely quiet village? Take off your rose tinted specs, kids have disappeared from villages too y’know.

I wouldn’t want my kids roaming around either OP.

bakewellbride · 16/02/2023 08:40

@PennyFarthings there are lots of posts like this, but it seems they are ignored by the op. Only the ones that say playing out = bad are acknowledged.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2023 08:45

8 is far too young I agree.

But when she’s in secondary she’ll need to get to school alone, and travel to places on her own. You can’t be dropping her everywhere in her teens, she’ll need to learn how to navigate places.

Where I live, you wouldn’t let primary aged children out alone “to play” - the roads are too busy for one thing. But my teen gets about by herself now.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2023 08:47

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 23:01

@Pebstk it’s not just drinking or giving into peer pressure although that is a worry. There were multiple dangerous situations I ended up in because I wasn’t mature enough to make good decisions and I also ended up around a few predatory men.

Yes and I think you are being supported at saying no now but also gently told that keeping her in isn’t going to help. It’s a sliding scale and both ends have the potential to lead to this.

you need to do it gradually and build up trust and start to be age appropriately honest about the dangers out there and what to look for.

as I said your role is not to protect her but give her the tools to protect herself which as you say your parents didn’t do

PizzaPastaWine · 16/02/2023 09:02

I think it wildly depends where your street is located.

My set up sounds a lot like yours.

My DC were playing outside from 4 years old with supervision. At first I would sit outside then gradually over time I would keep the door open/stay in the room at the front of the house. From 6 I had relaxed and for the most part let them get on with it.

Their play included the front and rear gardens of both mine and the neighbours, plus bikes/scooters on the pavements.

Their childhood has been full of freedom although they follow the boundaries that I put in place.

iphonecharger · 16/02/2023 09:11

I think you have 2 issues at play here.
Number 1- You sound like a "measurably productive" parent.
You think that an activity only has worth if it is structured and has a measurable benefit. Ie, activities are superior to free play. The benefits of free play cannot be proven or tested and won't be given a certificate, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because of number 1, number 2, anxiety, is something that you feel justified in ignoring. As your daughter is only 8 it isn't an issue at the moment, but it will become one in a short time. If your worry about her is too much, instead of tackling it, you will excuse it by saying it's about being productive. Ie, letting her walk home from school is a waste of time productive time, it's better for her to be picked up as it's quicker. Instead of letting her go shopping with friends, you will say it's better to buy on line. It's about making sure you don't worry, and excusing it with something else.
You can't escape the worry forever.

Stressfordays · 16/02/2023 09:27

Mine are allowed to ride/scoot up and down my quiet cul de sac. Or go to one of the near by parks to play football. Theyre 10 and 7. They play with other kids and aren't absolute little yobs. When they have friends over, I let them do the same with them. You might not let her out, but some of her friends parents might.

I had overbearing parents, I just used to lie about where I was. When I hit 14/15 I'd say I was at a sleepover and usually ended up drunk at a party in a field. You can't shield them forever, its better to build up trust on both sides and guide them along the way then end up with a teenager who lies.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2023 13:05

I agree with the lying. One of my college friends (16) had incredibly strict parents who wouldn’t let her go anywhere so she lied. One time her parents didn’t even allow her to go ice skating due to the fact boys might be there and so she said she was having a sleepover at mine (where she was dropped off). My parents didn’t think to check as they assumed a 16-18 disco night was perfectly acceptable.

she fell over and hurt herself and it caused a whole lot of issues. Now she lives in Dubai and barely speaks to them