DH miserable due to family daily routine. AIBU for sticking with it?

[legworker]

My lovely DH is in a grump. Our current family routine means that we (DH, me, 2x tween-teen DDs) are eating our evening meals separately three times a week. DH is upset that he "comes home to a house which is dirty and cold, no-one is home and the washing-up is not done so he can't make his tea." He has also commented that I am pushing him out of family life with this routine and my inflexibility.

Some facts:
DH works M-F 9-5 office job based a ten minute drive away. However he is usually not home until after 6pm.

I work from home Mon-Thu 8-4. I used to work M-F 9-3 when DDs were younger to fit around school hours. When DDs were very young (and I was in a previous role) I worked three days a week term-time only.

We are both qualified professionals, albeit in different fields, and have always had around the same FTE salary, although my take-home pay has been less in the years when I was more part-time.

DDs do a lot of sport. Three times a week, the kids and I eat at around 5pm. We all leave the house around 6pm and are home again by 9pm. The kids can't get themselves to training due to where DH and I have chosen to live, so I drive them there and back. In the 2 hours or so that they are training, I do the supermarket shop (twice a week), do my own sport with a club (twice a week), and go for a run with a friend (once a week). We have had this routine for the last 12 months, since younger DD moved to the same training schedule as older DD. Prior to this, I would drop older DD, return home for about 30 minutes (when I would see DH if he was home), drop younger DD and then do the supermarket shop (twice a week)/run with a friend (once a week) before returning home with both kids at 9pm.

DH plays one of his sports in a club on one of our 5pm tea evenings. His training session runs from 7-9pm and he arrives home after us that night. He sometimes has matches (home and away) on other nights of the week too, but not that frequently.

We have an old, large house that is hard to get/keep warm.

Some more objective viewpoints:
I do 99.99% of the food shopping, preparation of evening meals and clearing up. I also generally make breakfast (as we have the kind of breakfasts where it is more efficient to do it once for everyone, rather than a 'help yourself to cereal and toast' kind of breakfast) and am usually up 30 mins-1h before DH to fit in household chores before work.

I have always cooked meals for all the family and we have always tried to eat together. When the kids were very little, we would have tea relatively late (after 6pm ish) compared to friends so that we could all eat together. The other four days of the week, we eat later than 5pm so that we can all eat together as a family. On the three days of the week when DDs and I leave at 6pm, I leave DH's meal in the pan(s) to warm up, or he might have to quickly cook something slightly different to go with what has already been made due to dietary requirements/preferences across the family (e.g. he might have to cook some gluten-free noodles to add to the stir-fried meat and veg that we have already made, and eaten our share of, with wheat noodles). As time is tight, I don't generally have time to ensure every kitchen item is washed and put away before leaving the house at 6pm, but I do try to ensure that the kitchen is tidy enough to be functional. Some less-often used items that don't go through the dishwasher may sit next to the kitchen sink for a few days before being washed up by hand. Dishwasher is put on at least daily by me.

I do most of the other general housework (cleaning, laundry, putting bins out, looking after the animals) and life admin (utilities etc, school admin, sport admin for kids).

DH is very handy practically and does a lot of things that are outside my skill set. He does a lot of car, bike and house maintenance/improvements that most people would pay for. He mows the (very large) lawn in the warmer months, washes the cars and, periodically, the outsides of the windows. He does most of the heavy gardening. He does occasionally run the hoover round or wash up.

DDs make their own packed lunches, sort their own food for lunch if they are at home (weekend, holidays), get themselves to school and back, and keep their own bedrooms clean(ish!). They are both mature and independent (they keep on top of homework, take the right things to school on the right days, get their kit together for training and events and sort it out afterwards, put their dirty laundry in their laundry bin and collect and put away their clean laundry). On a quiet day at home, they may help with jobs around the house.

So, AIBU for making tea at 5pm three nights a week to accommodate our DDs' hobbies, and then using their training time to do the supermarket shop and do my own exercise?

And, more kindly, what do you think we (individually or as a family) could change to make my DH less miserable?

(Sporadic poster here; have namechanged for this.)

The dh doesn’t eat on his own all the time.

I suppose the difference is that I actively like my husband and enjoy spending time with him, so I'd try and work around it so that I could do that as often as possible, while also making sure the kids get to do their hobbies. It does get easier as the kids get older and have their own lives which may or may not involve sport which seems so important when they are young.

"they never have meals together, because the OP is eating with the kids at 5pm."

They eat together 3 evenings a week. Presumably they have breakfast/lunch together at weekends.
They could eat together more if DH prioritised getting home earlier once or twice a week.

Can you really not see the sexism here?

OP is happy with how things are. She does all the work and organisation to have things run smoothly. She doesn’t interfere with her husband’s schedule. He’s left to do as he pleases when he pleases without having to plan for any parenting or general adult duties at all.

Husband does absolutely fuck all. He’s miserable but he expects his wife to sort this out for him. As do you!

Why do people always come on these types of threads with that? No it isn't! It's bloody weird to eat a main meal at ruddy 9pm. It's not good for you to go to bed with a full stomach. I'd be up half the night with reflux if I did that.

People like to eat when they want to eat.

It’s embarrassing that you equate love and happiness in a marriage with making sure your husband’s every whim is indulged and expecting other women to toe the same line.

He just isn't happy, and sadly doesn't seem to like to see me being happy.

This, right here, is the problem, and tells you absolutely everything you need to know about him.

And now he's started taking it out on your daughter. And then expects you to somehow sort it out, and gang up on your child with him when she's done nothing wrong!

Seriously. You need to sit him down and have a very firm talk about what you will and won't accept for your children. They are your kids, they and their needs and wellbeing are your priority, they ought to be his too, and if they were you would both be pulling in the same direction. It seems like he is basically stamping his foot because the whole family doesn't revolve around him and his comforts, feelings and wishes.

He sounds really really unpleasant.

What does he do for/with the girls? Was there an age /stage where he was a 'better' parent? I for example am great at babies and toddlers, am struggling a bit with the early primary stage with my DD1 - but my DP is the exact opposite, couldn't stand all the nappies and broken sleep and illnesses but is now coming into his own with crafting, weird games, homework etc. Is it as they develop into their teens, have their own lives etc he is feeling less important and thus ego-wounded? I mean that is for him to deal with as a grown-up, not piss it around all over the family, but I'm looking for explanations here.

And finally, not to be personal, but how's your sex life?

I have a difficult DP and often have spent hours and weeks fretting and worrying about all the things that might be making him unhappy in our relationship/our family life, only to initiate the Big Talk with him and for it to boil down to the fact that all his talk about feeling 'lonely', 'isolated', 'disconnected' etc boils down to wanting to have sex more often really. Which can seem incredibly one-dimensional to me, but the fact is for a lot of men who aren't particularly emotionally literate, sex is tied up in their minds with affection and closeness and self-expression in ways they just don't seem to be able to access in the many other ways other people (women) can conceive of.

So if sex has dwindled, that could honestly be the root of all this grumpiness and attitude, and he knows that expressing it that bluntly will make him look a bit of a pig so he's rationalising it with all these other complaints about you 'choosing the club over him', being pushed out of family life etc. Just a thought.

Good post. Was going to mention this.

I would hasten to add by the way that I am also a difficult DP, in my own way! :P

But OP sounds like she really is that woman who can keep all the plates spinning for everyone, and actually thrive on it. I am always incredibly envious of these women and admiring. But maybe if you live alongside it each day, and are far less effective, dynamic and enthusiastic, it can make you feel a bit useless and inadequate. And whereas women tend to internalise these uncomfortable feelings, men often externalise them as complaints/criticisms of others as it sits so uncomfortably with them to feel 'not good enough'.

Liking your husband and enjoying spending time with him, should never look like you're wiping his arse as well.

I assume the DH actively likes how wife too, so he can organise ways to spend more time with her, yes?

@Sadlifter

And presumably if the oh wanted to spend time with his wife and kids he could also make sure that happens?

And again, can people explain how they turn 2 nights a week (the 3rd he chooses to play sport) into he never sees his wife or kids and eats alone all the time?

@DoNotGetADog ?

It doesn't, in my case anyway. Hopefully the OP and her dh will sort something out eventually.

Why can't he get home on time and share the DD taxi duties with you? One day you take them and bring them back. The other day he takes them and brings them back. The third day you drop and he collects or vice versa.

If he's working 9-5 and is only 10 mins away, he really could figure out how to manage his time better so that he's more available to be involved with family life. But instead he's given it to you as another problem to solve.

And why the fuck are you getting up an hour earlier than him to do chores before making everyone breakfast? What does he do while you're doing that? Just lie in bed?

three nights a week for a few years is not 'all the time'. He's GROWN UP. He doesn't need someone to help him get his peas on his fork for him.

Also, he has numerous other options than sitting down at 6 o'clock to eat the food that has been left for him by his wife while she runs around like a blue-arsed fly doing it all.

He could:

• go to a pub/gym/sports club with a mate after work, and eat his dinner at 9 when the family get home, while the OP enjoys a cuppa/glass of wine and chats to him.
• He could go and meet the OP at her sports club as she has ASKED HIM TO DO so they can spend time together.
• He could make the effort to get home early enough to take the girls to sport once a week.
• He could wfh and take a break to have dinner with his family.

Instead he has opted to change nothing himself, contribute nothing, and whinge because his wife wants to enable their daughters' healthy, enriching interests while getting the shopping in and meeting her friend or doing something healthy and enriching herself. Seriously he needs to take a long hard look at himself and explain what HE would like to happen. And if it is that he wants his wife and daughters to give up their exercise so he can have them dancing attendance from the minute he gets home every night of the week, he needs a good kick up the arse back to the 1950s where he belongs.

Exactly, so much hyperbole! One of the nights, the husband is at his hobby so they wouldn’t spend the time together anyway. So that leaves 2 nights he’s ‘alone’. OP is home at 9pm on those nights which still leaves a couple of hours for them to chat etc. 4 nights a week plus weekends the OP is around.

So now she has to make sure he's getting enough sex?!

While he's being a dickhead?

Jesus christ

🙄

100% this. I have worked with workaholic managers, old-fashioned managers and so forth. I bet lots of posters have. It's somehow almost always down to female employees to make things work when it comes to balance as regards family life. Funny, that.

And OP, your comment about him being overwhelmed by the calendars etc of activity? He certainly isn't overwhelmed by actually doing anything to share the load.

I am not usually a LTB advocate but seriously, he isn't going to magically improve on being a grump as he gets older.
Is this a pattern repeating itself, I wonder, ingrained behaviour, from what he witnesses / witnessed with his own parents and thinks it's fine to grump and grouse instead of doing anything positive. While you do everything to keep the show on the road.

He needs to engage with family life rather than expect it to be delivered to him on a silver platter. What he really seems to be saying is that he wants it all to revolve around him. But that isn't either reasonable or practical. Family life requires balance and organisation.

We have a similarly busy life with both girls being in and out doing different things in different places every night of the week. The difference is we share the drop offs and pick ups, meal prep and evening routines. DH will often go back to work in the late evening to fit around family life - i will too when not on maternity leave. It requires effort and planning from everyone. Perhaps (and this is me being kind) he feels on the outside as you sre super organised and have organised it without needing him to do anything. Perhaps he's feeling useless and as if you all don't need him and just expressing it really badly. And possibly intimidated by being married to super woman (obviously his problem not yours. Rather than bringing you down he needs to step up to match)

And as to grumbling about the kitchen - my response would always be - well clean it then! Actually a frequent whinge in our house.

I'm not saying she does AT ALL. I'm trying to get to the bottom of why he's being a dick. If that is the reason, that doesn't mean she has to 'step up' to service his level of desire, she's not his maintenance system.

But at least then they could discuss the actual problem, rather than him moaning about anything and everything and putting all the blame on her because he's embarassed to sund like a caveman by moaning about what's actually bothering him.

You are already doing more than your fair share. Why us it your jib to fix his problem?

That's exactly what your posts look like.

This isn't on the woman to sort out. It's on the man.

From your update, I don’t see the point in changing anything tbh

You say you’re happier spending less time with your DH. Your current set up where you spend time doing your sport/running and spending minimal one-one time with your DH is what makes you happy. He would like it to change but you don’t. It is what is it.

Because he's making it everybody else's problem by being a miserable berk. Which is of course tactical. But when the options are either chuck him immediately or try and sort it out, most partners will probably try and sort it out. Hopefully with the outcome that the miserable berk becomes more emotionally literate and capable of actually discussing and solving their problems rationally instead of throwing a tanty like this.

Four nights a week is not minimal!!!!!