DH miserable due to family daily routine. AIBU for sticking with it?

[legworker]

My lovely DH is in a grump. Our current family routine means that we (DH, me, 2x tween-teen DDs) are eating our evening meals separately three times a week. DH is upset that he "comes home to a house which is dirty and cold, no-one is home and the washing-up is not done so he can't make his tea." He has also commented that I am pushing him out of family life with this routine and my inflexibility.

Some facts:
DH works M-F 9-5 office job based a ten minute drive away. However he is usually not home until after 6pm.

I work from home Mon-Thu 8-4. I used to work M-F 9-3 when DDs were younger to fit around school hours. When DDs were very young (and I was in a previous role) I worked three days a week term-time only.

We are both qualified professionals, albeit in different fields, and have always had around the same FTE salary, although my take-home pay has been less in the years when I was more part-time.

DDs do a lot of sport. Three times a week, the kids and I eat at around 5pm. We all leave the house around 6pm and are home again by 9pm. The kids can't get themselves to training due to where DH and I have chosen to live, so I drive them there and back. In the 2 hours or so that they are training, I do the supermarket shop (twice a week), do my own sport with a club (twice a week), and go for a run with a friend (once a week). We have had this routine for the last 12 months, since younger DD moved to the same training schedule as older DD. Prior to this, I would drop older DD, return home for about 30 minutes (when I would see DH if he was home), drop younger DD and then do the supermarket shop (twice a week)/run with a friend (once a week) before returning home with both kids at 9pm.

DH plays one of his sports in a club on one of our 5pm tea evenings. His training session runs from 7-9pm and he arrives home after us that night. He sometimes has matches (home and away) on other nights of the week too, but not that frequently.

We have an old, large house that is hard to get/keep warm.

Some more objective viewpoints:
I do 99.99% of the food shopping, preparation of evening meals and clearing up. I also generally make breakfast (as we have the kind of breakfasts where it is more efficient to do it once for everyone, rather than a 'help yourself to cereal and toast' kind of breakfast) and am usually up 30 mins-1h before DH to fit in household chores before work.

I have always cooked meals for all the family and we have always tried to eat together. When the kids were very little, we would have tea relatively late (after 6pm ish) compared to friends so that we could all eat together. The other four days of the week, we eat later than 5pm so that we can all eat together as a family. On the three days of the week when DDs and I leave at 6pm, I leave DH's meal in the pan(s) to warm up, or he might have to quickly cook something slightly different to go with what has already been made due to dietary requirements/preferences across the family (e.g. he might have to cook some gluten-free noodles to add to the stir-fried meat and veg that we have already made, and eaten our share of, with wheat noodles). As time is tight, I don't generally have time to ensure every kitchen item is washed and put away before leaving the house at 6pm, but I do try to ensure that the kitchen is tidy enough to be functional. Some less-often used items that don't go through the dishwasher may sit next to the kitchen sink for a few days before being washed up by hand. Dishwasher is put on at least daily by me.

I do most of the other general housework (cleaning, laundry, putting bins out, looking after the animals) and life admin (utilities etc, school admin, sport admin for kids).

DH is very handy practically and does a lot of things that are outside my skill set. He does a lot of car, bike and house maintenance/improvements that most people would pay for. He mows the (very large) lawn in the warmer months, washes the cars and, periodically, the outsides of the windows. He does most of the heavy gardening. He does occasionally run the hoover round or wash up.

DDs make their own packed lunches, sort their own food for lunch if they are at home (weekend, holidays), get themselves to school and back, and keep their own bedrooms clean(ish!). They are both mature and independent (they keep on top of homework, take the right things to school on the right days, get their kit together for training and events and sort it out afterwards, put their dirty laundry in their laundry bin and collect and put away their clean laundry). On a quiet day at home, they may help with jobs around the house.

So, AIBU for making tea at 5pm three nights a week to accommodate our DDs' hobbies, and then using their training time to do the supermarket shop and do my own exercise?

And, more kindly, what do you think we (individually or as a family) could change to make my DH less miserable?

(Sporadic poster here; have namechanged for this.)

I also read it as it being a decent drive to the sport so makes sense to do other things in the gap eg shop or exercise rather than go home. From time and petrol cost point of view. If it was close by then parents tend to do the one drop, one pick up.

OP, just because a man announces he has a problem, it’s not a woman’s job to jump to his assistance and solve it for him, especially when the solution is within his own grasp.

I can't get past "the washing-up is not done so he can't make his tea". does the poor soul not have use of his hands???

This. You’re running around accommodating the family’s needs, and he’s fed. He’s just being grouchy.

There is a lot of 'what we used to do' which I have tried to separate out from the what we do now in the post. But your working pattern has changed a lot. From 9 to 3 and term time working to 8 to 4 home working.

He works 9-5. But he doesn't really. He works till past 6. He doesn't get home until after six. So isn't able to get home for a 5pm meal.
Which is an incredibly early time for many working people to get home and eat their dinner. Many many people are still at work at that time. You seem to expect him to be able to get home before 5pm.
His employer expects him to be at work.
Presumably he leaves well before ten to 9. His drive is ten minutes. But nobody sensible would leave cut it that fine to get to work on time. So he probably leaves at about 8. 30-40.

You work from home so have no commute or traffic. From 8 till 4. And yes, it is easy to put a load of laundry on during a short 'break' from the screen. Or a quick unload / load of the dishwasher while waiting for the kettle to boil.

Your girls sort themselves out to get to school.
You are out three times a week. Home at 9pm.
He is out once a week.

Your girls help with laundry, some housework, organise their lunches and bedrooms.

You say you do a full breakfast every morning. And go shopping twice a week.
There is no reason why the girls and you could not do cereal and toast or similar. They might like it too. With a lot less mess to clear up. So dirty crockery and items should have no need to accumulate by the dishwasher.

And you can shop just once a week ? Or have a delivery.

You don't say how far you have to drive your girls to their hobby. If it is just ten minutes you could drop one shop a week and be back home. Bit back and forth but it is an option.

People are saying he is old fashioned. His view may well be that he is at work from 8.30 to after 6pm.
He knows you are at work too, but also that you are at home.
It must be depressing to come home to dirty crockery by the kitchen regularly.
He thinks you could find a few minutes to put dirty things in the dishwasher.
Does you tea always take an hour ?
The house is cold ( why) ? You leave the house. Turn the heating on ? It is a thoughtful and loving thing to do.

He doesn't see you or his girls for four days and evenings out of seven.
The sentence which stood out was that you were pushing him out of family life with this routine and inflexibility.

I don't know why you changed your working pattern but you might want to reconsider not only your breakfast routine, but how you work at home so you can organise your whole families life to suit. And agree what household tasks are to be done and how best to divide them up.

But you have to want to.

DH works M-F 9-5 office job based a ten minute drive away. However he is usually not home until after 6pm

What is this all about

I would suggest he puts in a request for flexible hours and starts an hour earlier (8-4). Problem solved if he can make that work. Or leaves work at 5 and finishes whatever work he needs to do after you’ve all gone out. Otherwise, could you sometimes leave him something in the microwave if you’re doing a big meal for you and the kids anyway?

This entire thread makes me grateful to be a single parent. Honestly, the posters on here pandering to this grown adult man's inability to wash a dish or turn up the thermostat.

His work doesn't finish at 5pm. I have known meetings that start at 5pm. Many employers expect flexibility and not to have staff stand up and be ready to leave precisely at 5pm. So if you are there at 5. 20 still, because the work needs doing, then that is what happens. There is a lot of unpaid overtime in the workplace.

He is working easy short hours if he Is home by 6. He could flex and do more on the taking kids to activities. Absolutely awful it all falls to you. Me and dh share the ferrying around. 3 nights a week is very normal. Most families have something every night in the week or all weekend. He I'd getting off lightly that he should be coming home, clearing up and then you can plate up some food for him.

He sounds really spoilt and demanding.

I think you dh is basically saying he is lonely and never sees you or the girls mid week, and he has a point. 9pm is very late.

OP you're time management skills are impressive. You are meeting your needs for exercise, ensuring your children get to access their hobbies and doing the whole families food shopping. Your husband should be checking in that you aren't burnt out and seeing how he can better pull his weight.

He isn't home by 6. They leave at 6. He gets home after six. I don't think he works an entirely regular straight pattern. Sometime he might get home at 6.10 sometimes 6. 20. She hasn't said. Just that it is after six.

The change has caused the problems. They do need to discuss how they split things. But they have to want to.

So do you think the children should give up their hobbies then?

This. Why is there 12 pages of replies when this just sums it up? He's coming home to a dirty cold house with no din dins and no fucker has turned the heating on. How can the OP live with herself? If she kept her sleeping down to 4 hours a night or something like that, you know, put some more effort in then this man and his penis would be cosy and warm. I can't believe people on here are discussing how to make it work for HIM.

1- is the house actually cold? OP and DC aren’t moaning about a cold house. Obviously the solution is he can turn the heating on, maybe program it to come on.
2- if his hours finish at 5, then I would put money on other parents (at a guess mums) managing to leave on time to collect DC from nursery. Even if he just made a point of doing this twice a week, he’d still have 3 days of fannying around for an hour. (Also would be nice to see a culture shift where dad’s have to leave on time and employers respect this)
3- he should get up earlier and engage in family life. Especially if OP starts work at 8am.
4-a couple of pans to wash up but he’s had his dinner cooked for him?!
5- he sounds like as whinging baby. If you made my dinner, ferried my kids around, cleaned the house, did the food shopping, meal planning, life admin, pets etc I would marry you !!

Exactly. He gets to have his evenings to himself without having to run the kids around or cook for them. And he's still not happy. Wtf?! He could get home to eat with you if he wanted. But he doesn't because then he'd have to do his share of the lifts.

He'd see a lot more of the girls if he took them to their sporting activities though wouldn't he? But that would involve him, well, y'know, actually doing some adulting.

I would put the ball back in his court and ask him to suggest a solution.
I would not be bending over backwards to please him and find solutions for him. You do quite enough.

I have a job in which I have to be flexible, and often work far later than 5pm. However that flexibility works both ways, so when I say I have to leave at 4pm on a particular day to take my children to an activity, that’s absolutely fine. I might not be able to do it every week, but mostly I can organise my diary to accommodate it.
In this case, the DH who finishes work at 5pm officially is getting home ‘after 6’ every single day. I doubt that can’t flex things to ensure he can be home before 6 to take the children to their activity every so often.

He isn't the last to leave the house. The OP works from home. She doesn't leave the house expect at 6pm three nights a week. And people often have to work flexibly.

So they should all give up their hobbies to accommodate a whinging man-child who is sulking because he has to put some lights on and feed himself, despite not having to do anything else? A man-child who twats about wasting an hour at work deliberately so he doesn’t have to actually do something for his family.

Yeah, fuck that.

It's three nights.
One night he does his own sport so doesn't really count as he's out from 7pm.
On the remaining two nights if he came home even once at 5 and ate with them / took turns taking the kids then he would only have one evening on his own.
What does he want? The kids not to do their activity? You to come home for half an hour and spend time with him? Either seems pretty unreasonable.

Actually rereading the OP, I'd just call his bluff. Ask him genuinely what he thinks should happen instead and try and keep your face neutral with his response.
Unless he's prepared to drop the DDs to their activities one or two evenings a week, there are no real alternatives , unless he expects them to give up what they are doing or you do some weird pretzelisation and drive home in between to heat up the house, clean the dishes and serve him up a meal, which you too can enjoy at 9pm.

Presumably there is much family time at weekends?

How old are you @Gui out of interest