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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about not being able to join this class at the gym?

146 replies

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 09:31

I'm mid fifties, and in January I joined a 6 week women's weight lifting class. I really enjoyed it, improved hugely and can now do back squats, deadlines and bench presses. Last night was the last one, and the instructor had been talking about an intermediate class. He came to me at the end and said I wasn't quite ready to join the new intermediate class. There was another beginners class about to run but new joiners would be given priority. I said oh, OK, is there any way of me continuing in a class setting, and he just looked awkward and said no not at the moment.

I feel ridiculously sad about it! I'd finally found some exercise that I really enjoyed. I was lifting similar weights to the other women and he'd always said my form was excellent. I'm prepared to accept perhaps I wasn't as 'good' as the others although I didn't feel like that at the time.

AIBU to feel like a sad middle aged woman this morning?

Dh says I should just go to the gym on my own and do it myself, but I enjoyed the company of the other women and the instructor being on hand.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 11:47

ensayers · 15/02/2023 11:38

A guy running a women only class? hmm

A young women only class,

Watch out for a sign going up "sorry class full. Except for blonds with nice tits" lol

You wanted to actually train. Is it possible that youre an inconvenience to him because it gets in the way of his flirting???? He's tried to ignore you, didn't even ask your name, but you kept going back week after week!

How on earth do you come to that conclusion based on the info the OP has given?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/02/2023 11:49

ensayers · 15/02/2023 11:38

A guy running a women only class? hmm

A young women only class,

Watch out for a sign going up "sorry class full. Except for blonds with nice tits" lol

You wanted to actually train. Is it possible that youre an inconvenience to him because it gets in the way of his flirting???? He's tried to ignore you, didn't even ask your name, but you kept going back week after week!

This 100%

GabriellaFerlitaJamPress · 15/02/2023 11:50

This reply has been deleted

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MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 11:50

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 10:55

So the other women are OK to say they are intermediates even though we've all done a 6 week course?

Show quote history

The other women have obviously made more progress and are ready for the next class.

Your instructor has said you are not, and he would not be doing his job properly or safely if he let you attend a class you weren’t ready for.

DesertRose64 · 15/02/2023 11:51

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 09:44

I suspect you may be being excluded for some other reason

What though?? I'm perfectly pleasant, always arrive on time, always say thanks, have been so obviously pleased with my progress.

Join a Crossfit Box and before you know it you’ll be thinking about competing in the 2024 Open, Masters Class.

Honestly, it’s great fun n

gamerchick · 15/02/2023 11:54

You won't trust him now anyway. It'll always be in the back of your mind and trust is right at the top when you do this sort of thing. A good coach can do a mixed ability class so it doesn't matter where you are in your training. He doesn't sound very good or supportive.

Find another gym, seriously. Weight lifting is the best thing when you're a middle aged woman.

MsMartini · 15/02/2023 11:58

Given your update about three people being attac hed to the gym - that's why, I'd say - explains everything. I'd complain as he can't be running classes for his mates at normal members' expense - but he may have lost your trust. Perhaps the gym could put on another intermediate class with a different instructor?

Body Pump is not a substitute for what you've been doing - heavy compound lifts.

Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:09

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 11:50

The other women have obviously made more progress and are ready for the next class.

Your instructor has said you are not, and he would not be doing his job properly or safely if he let you attend a class you weren’t ready for.

Show quote history

They haven't. And even if they have, he should at least be able to tell me what I need to improve on. My form is good apparently and I can lift the same as three other women. I mean, it doesn't really matter if I'm using 15kg weights and they are using 20kg anyway, it's still the same form and principles

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:12

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/02/2023 11:49

This 100%

Show quote history

He didn't flirt with any of us! He was actually a really nice instructor. I went back every week because I enjoyed the class.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 15/02/2023 12:16

I follow the Caroline Girvan groups on Facebook and they’re amazing. Look them up if you can and work out from home.

Viviennemary · 15/02/2023 12:18

I think thats very annoying. They should run an Improvers class or something. Idiots. Complain.

carryingawatermelon · 15/02/2023 12:18

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, OP, but I’d join other posters in saying please don’t assume an ulterior motive.

I used to teach a group exercise class (not lifting but with a level of physical challenge, and I have personal experience of lifting so know what it’s like) and would offer different ‘levels’. I would advise participants on when it was right to ‘move up’ or not (IF they wanted to move), and it did sometimes result in difficult conversations. For example, people who weren’t ready and would risk injury but wanted to move, or people for whom the ‘intermediate’ class was at a more convenient time! I always stuck to my guns however awkward, as it wouldn’t have been responsible or safe otherwise, especially in a group setting where you can’t be everywhere all the time. Some of these people were ultimately more suited to 1-1 or smaller group sessions which is fair enough.

Maybe this instructor is doing the same but hasn’t got the guts to clearly explain the reasons? It is rubbish that there then seems to be no alternative - I would always allow people to stay in whatever class was suitable indefinitely. As an aside - I think the naming of it as ‘beginner’ and ‘intermediate’ hasn’t helped. You don’t feel you’re a complete beginner anymore, but after 6 weeks (so is that a total of 6 sessions?) I would say ‘intermediate’ is a bit of a stretch.

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 12:19

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:09

They haven't. And even if they have, he should at least be able to tell me what I need to improve on. My form is good apparently and I can lift the same as three other women. I mean, it doesn't really matter if I'm using 15kg weights and they are using 20kg anyway, it's still the same form and principles

Show quote history

You are not in a position to say whether they have or haven’t because you are not qualified to do so. He is.

Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:20

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 12:19

You are not in a position to say whether they have or haven’t because you are not qualified to do so. He is.

Show quote history

OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:20

carryingawatermelon · 15/02/2023 12:18

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, OP, but I’d join other posters in saying please don’t assume an ulterior motive.

I used to teach a group exercise class (not lifting but with a level of physical challenge, and I have personal experience of lifting so know what it’s like) and would offer different ‘levels’. I would advise participants on when it was right to ‘move up’ or not (IF they wanted to move), and it did sometimes result in difficult conversations. For example, people who weren’t ready and would risk injury but wanted to move, or people for whom the ‘intermediate’ class was at a more convenient time! I always stuck to my guns however awkward, as it wouldn’t have been responsible or safe otherwise, especially in a group setting where you can’t be everywhere all the time. Some of these people were ultimately more suited to 1-1 or smaller group sessions which is fair enough.

Maybe this instructor is doing the same but hasn’t got the guts to clearly explain the reasons? It is rubbish that there then seems to be no alternative - I would always allow people to stay in whatever class was suitable indefinitely. As an aside - I think the naming of it as ‘beginner’ and ‘intermediate’ hasn’t helped. You don’t feel you’re a complete beginner anymore, but after 6 weeks (so is that a total of 6 sessions?) I would say ‘intermediate’ is a bit of a stretch.

I didn't choose the names of the groups.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 12:23

And even if they have, he should at least be able to tell me what I need to improve on.

Have you asked?

It seems you've been quite passive.

He came to me at the end and said I wasn't quite ready to join the new intermediate class. There was another beginners class about to run but new joiners would be given priority

I said oh, OK, is there any way of me continuing in a class setting, and he just looked awkward and said no not at the moment.

Why didn't you ask "can you tell me why you think I'm not ready?"

Blort · 15/02/2023 12:25

I feel he has to have alterior motives because he's pushed you out of two groups - he wont let you join beginners or intermediates and I totally understand why you feel like you are being singled out. If all the "youngsters" hurt knees, wrists etc and you never complained, you can lift the same weight and are constantly being told your form is good?

I would also sign up on Monday, good luck! It's his job to keep you safe in the lesson and will be able to discuss in group why it isn't appropriate if he is insistent.

Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:27

TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 12:23

And even if they have, he should at least be able to tell me what I need to improve on.

Have you asked?

It seems you've been quite passive.

He came to me at the end and said I wasn't quite ready to join the new intermediate class. There was another beginners class about to run but new joiners would be given priority

I said oh, OK, is there any way of me continuing in a class setting, and he just looked awkward and said no not at the moment.

Why didn't you ask "can you tell me why you think I'm not ready?"

Because I was taken aback and then felt so crushed I just wanted to get out!

OP posts:
Hana89 · 15/02/2023 12:32

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 09:37

No he didn't say what the problem was. Im the oldest though! He also put us in small groups and I was the only one who's name he couldn't remember! Clearly made no impression on him whatsoever. Honestly it's hard enough being an older woman in the gym without being made to feel a bit crap.

I'm so sorry OP! I don't think the instructor is being fair to you at all. Can you find a time to speak to him and ask why you aren't considered ready for the intermediate class? If he can't give you a reason not to join you should be free to do so, and if he can give you a reason then at least you'll know what you need to work on. For what it's worth, I think it is brilliant that you've been going to a weights class and I really hope you get to continue.

FlowerArranger · 15/02/2023 12:52

Try Caroline Girvan - start with her EPIC Beginners programme.

If you feel that you're not quite ready for this, have a look at the weight-based HIIT workouts of Growingannanas.

Both free on YouTube.

Perry34 · 15/02/2023 12:54

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:27

Because I was taken aback and then felt so crushed I just wanted to get out!

Show quote history

I think before taking it all personally, you should ask these questions.

Honestly it can be tiring as an instructor dealing with students who don’t want to hear these things, and then kick off.

Safety is our priority. A good instructor will not move you up sooner than you are ready. And there are many instructors who’d rather see money over safety.

Rather than kick off on a forum, ask more questions.

Paq · 15/02/2023 12:59

Those suggesting videos/YouTube alternatives, I really don't think it's a valid substitute for a class run by a trainer.

And CrossFit, while great, is different.

OP has found something she loves. The trainer has done a pisspoor job in that not once in the entire 6 weeks has he expressed any concerns about OP's form or progress.

carryingawatermelon · 15/02/2023 13:00

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:20

I didn't choose the names of the groups.

Show quote history

Goodness me. I know you didn’t name the groups…

What I meant was, the labels aren’t helping here and the gym don’t seem to have thought about what to do with people who finish the 6-week course (so are no longer absolute newbies) but aren’t ready for ‘intermediate’, which I appreciate is frustrating. But also sadly often the reality of group fitness, as it’s hard to make it an exact fit for every person who wants to attend, especially something with risk of injury if working at the wrong level.

As others have said, it sounds like you rate the instructor as decent otherwise, so I’d recommend talking to them about where to go from here and what to work on - and how/where/when to do this. In terms of booking onto the intermediate course anyway, it depends on the instructor’s wording to you, but if I’d explicitly said it wasn’t right for a participant yet - in the interest of keeping them safe - I’d be a bit concerned if they came anyway. I know this is a rubbish situation to be in, but your instructor (assuming they’re genuine and not being discriminatory) will be more qualified than you to know what’s right, and what you’ve observed during class by comparing yourself to other participants obviously won’t match that level of knowledge.

mamacoast · 15/02/2023 13:07

I've no experience of weightlifting but just wanted to say it's brilliant you have found an exercise you love. Please don't let this put you off - find a way to continued doing what you love. Good luck

TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 13:53

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 12:27

Because I was taken aback and then felt so crushed I just wanted to get out!

Show quote history

Then maybe now the moment has passed you could call the gym and ask to speak to someone about it.
You do need to find out the reasons before you can take the next steps.