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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about not being able to join this class at the gym?

146 replies

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 09:31

I'm mid fifties, and in January I joined a 6 week women's weight lifting class. I really enjoyed it, improved hugely and can now do back squats, deadlines and bench presses. Last night was the last one, and the instructor had been talking about an intermediate class. He came to me at the end and said I wasn't quite ready to join the new intermediate class. There was another beginners class about to run but new joiners would be given priority. I said oh, OK, is there any way of me continuing in a class setting, and he just looked awkward and said no not at the moment.

I feel ridiculously sad about it! I'd finally found some exercise that I really enjoyed. I was lifting similar weights to the other women and he'd always said my form was excellent. I'm prepared to accept perhaps I wasn't as 'good' as the others although I didn't feel like that at the time.

AIBU to feel like a sad middle aged woman this morning?

Dh says I should just go to the gym on my own and do it myself, but I enjoyed the company of the other women and the instructor being on hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 10:29

BYOFARTSdotCOdotUK · 15/02/2023 10:26

He's got a new group already lined up that all know each other IMO. I'd complain now and say you intend to sign up on Monday and being an existing member you'd want continued support
He can upload the new group members the minute it opens if it's anything like my gym

Yes I think this is it.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 15/02/2023 10:35

Sounds incredibly unprofessional of them. And usually clubs will give priority to existing members when booking on new courses. That’s always been my experience anyway. I would definitely complain. But he sounds a dick. Find a better place where they’re more inclusive and encouraging.

Merlott · 15/02/2023 10:36

It's ageism. I'm in my 30s, go to a fitness class with a mixed age range where I'm actually the youngest.. I do get more attention than the older participants. And the trainer definitely pays more attention to the women than the men. It's not in your head!

I would say be proud of what you have achieved, and look for another class with a different instructor.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/02/2023 10:49

So many people, including the OP, are jumping to conclusions about the instructor's motives. Yet the OP doesn't appear to have asked why he didn't think she's ready for the intermediate class nor did she ask what steps she needs to take to be ready for it. Surely doing that first would be the sensible approach?

It could be that the OP isn't ready (after one 6 week beginner's course, she's hardly equipped with the experience to know) but the instructor just doesn't have bottle to tell her. Some people are poor at delivering unpleasant messages and it's a lot easier to say "you're doing really well" and avoid the ugly truth. Or the guy could indeed be an arsehole who's ageist, got a secret masterplan, wants to lust over younger women etc etc like all the accusations on here. At least try and have a mature conversation first though before jumping to all these conclusions.

I'm 52 and have been weight lifting for 20+ years (and training in gyms for much longer than that - I use to compete internationally at a sport). The coaches I train with (several of whom are very highly respected and well known 'names' in the industry) have coaches themselves. It's a continuous learning process. So the OP saying she's not a beginner after a 6 week course is foolish and actually quite dangerous. It's great that she's excited and is enjoying it but a bit of common sense is also called for.

ehb102 · 15/02/2023 10:52

I agree with @HundredMilesAnHour a bit. I've been getting personal training for 10 years and I'd only just scrape into "intermediate" on a day when I feel well.
OP, if you love big weights get yourself a trainer and do private coaching.

BYOFARTSdotCOdotUK · 15/02/2023 10:53

She asked if there was anyway she could continue in a class setting and he said no @HundredMilesAnHour where's she supposed to take that?

Original poster
Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 10:55

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/02/2023 10:49

So many people, including the OP, are jumping to conclusions about the instructor's motives. Yet the OP doesn't appear to have asked why he didn't think she's ready for the intermediate class nor did she ask what steps she needs to take to be ready for it. Surely doing that first would be the sensible approach?

It could be that the OP isn't ready (after one 6 week beginner's course, she's hardly equipped with the experience to know) but the instructor just doesn't have bottle to tell her. Some people are poor at delivering unpleasant messages and it's a lot easier to say "you're doing really well" and avoid the ugly truth. Or the guy could indeed be an arsehole who's ageist, got a secret masterplan, wants to lust over younger women etc etc like all the accusations on here. At least try and have a mature conversation first though before jumping to all these conclusions.

I'm 52 and have been weight lifting for 20+ years (and training in gyms for much longer than that - I use to compete internationally at a sport). The coaches I train with (several of whom are very highly respected and well known 'names' in the industry) have coaches themselves. It's a continuous learning process. So the OP saying she's not a beginner after a 6 week course is foolish and actually quite dangerous. It's great that she's excited and is enjoying it but a bit of common sense is also called for.

So the other women are OK to say they are intermediates even though we've all done a 6 week course?

OP posts:
HaroldTheStallion · 15/02/2023 10:56

burnoutbabe · 15/02/2023 09:41

I would complain the gym. Why should new members get priority to the class level you are at over you?

This. It's completely unfair and could well be discriminatory against you as a middle-aged woman, especially as no reason was given. I would be absolutely livid.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 15/02/2023 10:58

Sadlifter · 15/02/2023 09:44

I suspect you may be being excluded for some other reason

What though?? I'm perfectly pleasant, always arrive on time, always say thanks, have been so obviously pleased with my progress.

I wonder if its because he fancies the other younger women and having an older woman there is cramping his flirtation style?

Mariposista · 15/02/2023 10:59

First of all CONGRATULATIONS on your new found fitness. Weightlifting isn't easy and you sound like you have made great progress.
I wouldn't let this go so easily tbh. If you are able to keep up with the others in the group, are at a similar level to them (and let's be honest someone has to be the weakest in the group, and as long as there isn't a glaring difference, safety issue or you are taking the instructor's attention away from the others, I can't see why you joining the other ladies is an issue). Can you talk to the gym manager? If he/she is fair, he/she won't be happy that this instructor is hand picking his class members.

Newnamenewme23 · 15/02/2023 11:06

LactoseTheIntolerant · 15/02/2023 09:43

Find your nearest crossfit gym, you'll get to do plenty of weights there in a mixed age/ability class. There is a lady in her 60s in my crossfit class who was smashing out pullups and handstand pressups the other day she's an inspiration!

I love crossfit. However I don’t go anymore as while I enjoyed it and was getting fit and strong, it was the partner workouts.

as a 50’s beginner I was still very far behind the fit young things and knew if they got landed with me as a partner it negatively affected their workout. I’d take much longer so they got less of a workout as they’d be waiting for me to finish.

o/p I would complain. I’d specifically say to management you are being excluded and are therefore terminating your membership.

functionoverform · 15/02/2023 11:14

Second the body pump class suggestion, honestly you'll love the class and can add on weight as you feel you can cope with more at your own speed. The next set of sessions/ class are very much tainted now isn't it?...

TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 11:17

Please don't assume it's agism.
Jumping to that conclusion doesn't help to stamp agism out.

OP you need to find out why you cannot proceed, THEN decide on your course of action.

Siameasy · 15/02/2023 11:19

That is a poor show on his part. I’m annoyed for you. It feels unfair. I hope you can find somewhere encouraging. I know you’d rather not lift alone but I do notice in my gym that those who want to talk, do. I’m a loner in the gym as it’s my downtime. But loads of others chat and help each other.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 15/02/2023 11:25

I also suggest finding a les mills body pump class. It is worldwide so a lot of places offer it. I absolutely love it, its a great mix of age ranges at the ones I attend.

Agapornis · 15/02/2023 11:28

I've previously been told by an instructor (a man) that "maybe this sport isn't for you". I found another club that is far more supportive and fun, and yes, it IS for me!

It was probably because I was about 15 years older and was too old to do the competition level he preferred the club to enter.

In short, find a better instructor. Preferably a woman.

DaisyDays123 · 15/02/2023 11:29

Wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to sell you a package of 1:1 personal training to help or something 🙄

Paq · 15/02/2023 11:32

I'm furious on your behalf. Is there someone in management you can speak to?

Absolutely sign up. Weights are so good for women our age. Don't let one crappy person put you off.

Perry34 · 15/02/2023 11:38

This isn’t to do with age

From an instructors point of view (I don’t do weights but along the same lines) I cannot, and will not advance someone to another level unless they are ready. I wouldn’t be doing my job properly and would be risking my insurance.

HOWEVER with that being said, the instructor has not considered participants like you that need a bit more time to accomplish the level they are looking for , for you to progress. It is shit that you’ve spent your money and time with them only to be ousted. I don’t understand why they haven’t given you an opportunity.

I’d discuss with him and/or the gym, or have a private tuition to see what you need to work on prior to moving up.

ensayers · 15/02/2023 11:38

A guy running a women only class? hmm

A young women only class,

Watch out for a sign going up "sorry class full. Except for blonds with nice tits" lol

You wanted to actually train. Is it possible that youre an inconvenience to him because it gets in the way of his flirting???? He's tried to ignore you, didn't even ask your name, but you kept going back week after week!

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 11:38

I think it’s fine to say you are not ready for the intermediate class - it is obviously a step up and some people won’t be ready for it.

But I think it’s ridiculous that you can’t try the new class or join another class - he’s at risk of losing a customer!

At the very least he should have said I don’t think you are ready for it but I’m happy to give you extra training sessions and so you can join next time.

I wonder if he’s thinking that some people would have done it as a New Years resolution and start dropping off, whilst new customers starting after January might stay longer.

I would definitely ask for more feedback and then practice in the gym as you know what to do now.

If you enjoyed the beginner class then I would sign up again but also look elsewhere as this would have annoyed me.

harrassedmumto3 · 15/02/2023 11:38

Feeling for you - that is totally rubbish Flowers

Perry34 · 15/02/2023 11:39

DaisyDays123 · 15/02/2023 11:29

Wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to sell you a package of 1:1 personal training to help or something 🙄

Why not? It might be an ideal option for the OP. It might not be. But a private session might give time and personalised feedback.

blebbleb · 15/02/2023 11:46

What are the ages of the other women? Need to determine that before saying the instructor is ageist.