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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop telling my child your his mama !

142 replies

camila21 · 14/02/2023 22:33

So my MIL and FIL keep trying to get my child to call my MIL mama, mother or a similar sounding name. They are originally from a northern country so I am not sure if this is cultural.

It started when my child was 18 months old he would call me Mama and my husband dada. One day I heard my MIL tell my child to call her mother and then on another occasion Mama. When I asked my mother in law not to call her self Mama she said I was mistaken... but I wasnt.

I heard my FIL do the same thing. Until my child shouted at them saying 'you are not my mama!'
Now they want my child to call my MIL a name from their country that strangly sounds like mummy, they said it means grandmother in the country. Should I talk to them or wait till they give up?

OP posts:
WednesdaysPlaits · 15/02/2023 08:04

Well she said to me Modther but then I can heat her tell my child to call her mother.

The OP has actually told us the name. Its "Modther"

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 08:04

*his irritation

dishyrishi · 15/02/2023 08:06

I have a teen who still calls me Mama, so it may stick

Geekynzmum · 15/02/2023 08:06

It really is difficult sometimes when you've got another culture to take into account, but I think you're at the pint where you need to choose their titles for your child. As others have said, use photos to teach him as that is the easiest way to do it and make sure you tell your in laws what you've chosen. Please don't go with grandmama though as it sounds old and stuffy and will be a mouthful for your child.
If it helps my paternal grandmother was always Grangran, my mum and MIL are both nanny as neither likes grandma.
We add Mil's surname on when referring to her as we don't see them very often because we're on different sides of the world.
My grandfathers were both Grandad and my dad is poppa.
Hope that helps!!

MeridianB · 15/02/2023 08:07

ApolloandDaphne · 15/02/2023 03:26

If you go for grandmama then he is likely to call her mama anyway as grandmama is a bit of a mouthful for a tot.

This. Choose something well away from Mama.

Your DH needs to provide more support on this. How would he feel if your father was encouraging your baby to call him Dadda?

I do think your ILs know exactly what they are doing. So no need to avoid hurt feelings, since they don’t care a jot about yours!

plumduck · 15/02/2023 08:09

Palaver1 · 15/02/2023 06:28

You’ll look back at this in years to come and you’ll see how little it really means .

No, hopefully she'll look back and remember how disrespectful her inlaws were of her as a mother and not get sucked in to doing elder care for them.

NorthernSowls · 15/02/2023 08:19

Get your DC to call them by their first names, ‘ooh say hello to Audrey and Phil’ etc? Solves many issues in one 🤗

Fernanfrank · 15/02/2023 08:20

What's your husbands opinion? Surely he is from the same country/culture as his parents? It has an idea about it. In turn that means your son also has some of this heritage, which might be nice to honour a little.

Namechange12908 · 15/02/2023 08:24

It’s difficult when there’s two cultures/languages

my dc call their paternal grandparents dadi and dadu (and their father Daddy)

my DH calls his maternal uncle/aunti mama and mami (same words call me!)

there is difference in the sound that becomes less subtle once kids speech and language develops more.

jellybe · 15/02/2023 08:26

How often is your son seeing MIL/ FIL? Honestly, just tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that it sounds like she is trying to get DC to call her mama. Explain that as their language for grandma is so similar to the English for mum that you'd like them to us something else.

Though, the fact you have got to 18 months and are still having this issue sounds like a DH problem. Why hasn't he talked to them? Or at least explained to you what the different grandparent names are in his native language?

Catoneverychair · 15/02/2023 08:26

I'm not from the UK, but in my home country 'Mama' and 'Papa' were my grandparents. I wouldn't want to torture you with parents names. :-)
I don't have an issue with this, to me they sound totally different from 'Mum'.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/02/2023 08:32

Just refer to MIL by her first name to your child - always.
or PITA.

1983Louise · 15/02/2023 08:33

I'm Mamar, my gd couldn say grandma

Chooksnroses · 15/02/2023 08:36

When I fostered a Nigerian girl, she called me Mummy, and that was at her Mother's instigation. She also called her real mother Mummy, and was never confused. She knew who her mother was. Her mother explained that it was normal for the caregiver to be called Mummy. That she had been looked after by her aunt when she was a child, and she called her Mummy then, but later reverted to calling her Auntie
Children know who their parents are... they aren't going to get confused.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/02/2023 08:47

Unless there's a massive backstory about MIL trying to push you out of the family and steal your baby, you're way overthinking it.
We have 3 languages in the family, so for example in language 1, mama is mother but in other, mama is grandmother. I can assure you, children have not been confused yet who is their mother.

pilates · 15/02/2023 08:51

What country are your in-laws from? I’m sure we can then find a more suitable alternative.

Fedupfatandfrumpy · 15/02/2023 08:54

Ma is grandma in a lot of languages. Dada is also grandad in a lot of asian languages.

Mommawasafarmgirl · 15/02/2023 08:57

LAMPS1 · 15/02/2023 08:00

It would be very sad and unnecessary to fall out over this problem. There are many different names that are used in Northern Europe for Grandmother and Grandfather. A lot of them sound like the names we use for mum and dad but this doesn’t mean that the grandparent is trying to replace you in your child’s life. Also remember that your child at 18 months already knows that you are his real mother no matter what he actually calls you and his grandmother.
Talk to your DH again and ask him to decide with you, which name is best for your son to use. Take into account that these traditions are important for your child’s language development. Hopefully he will learn another language very quickly if you show good will and act in good faith towards this opportunity to gain an extra set of cultural traditions.

This

redgirl1 · 15/02/2023 09:00

My husband is french and Nan there is Mamie. It does sound a bit mummyesque but I can’t say it bothers me. I don’t think anyone is going to confuse my mil for my kids parents, my pils would never say I shouldn’t be mum/mummy, but they call me maman to the kids as they speak to them in french. It hasn’t been confusing and sometimes if we are in their company the kids will call me maman. I must confess I had never thought about it until seeing this post.

DorritLittle · 15/02/2023 09:13

KatharinaRosalie · 15/02/2023 08:47

Unless there's a massive backstory about MIL trying to push you out of the family and steal your baby, you're way overthinking it.
We have 3 languages in the family, so for example in language 1, mama is mother but in other, mama is grandmother. I can assure you, children have not been confused yet who is their mother.

I agree with this.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 15/02/2023 09:33

camila21 · 14/02/2023 22:44

My son has always called me Mama from when he was 5 months old and husband dada. Hes been saying it for over a year. Can there be two Mama's?

Well it will eventually evolve to mummy or mum, won't it? I've never heard a grown child call their mother mama.

I agree with others, where I'm from as well 'mama' can be a term for grandmother.

Katypp · 15/02/2023 09:33

holierthanthou73 · 14/02/2023 23:21

I can’t believe the things people make such a drama about.
Anyway is it Oma? where are gps from?

Agreed.
But plenty do, if thus thread is, anything to go by.
I thinks it's down to the assumption on MN that once you have a child, you have an automatic right to micromanage and control everyone in the wider family.
It's very odd.

Itsgonnabeokay935 · 15/02/2023 09:39

Start referring to her as gran, nana, whatever. Could you look up grandmother in her language and use that? But you are not being unreasonable, your MIL is and DH needs to stand for you. You are his family now, it is natural that you and DC come first, so he does need to back you. Does he know what grandmother or nana is in his parents language? Your DC seems to be well aware who his mama is, let that warm you and try not to rise to the bait. Good luck finding an equitable resolution.

Original poster
camila21 · 15/02/2023 14:01

Tandora · 15/02/2023 06:13

If the kid is only 18 months, how did he shout “you are not my mama”? None of this makes any sense. How old is your child? How can his grandparents have no names? Who do you tell him they are when they come to visit?

He can talk at 18 months his pronunciation is not crystal clear but can talk. can say basic sentences. Other parents think its odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
camila21 · 15/02/2023 14:11

camila21 · 15/02/2023 14:01

He can talk at 18 months his pronunciation is not crystal clear but can talk. can say basic sentences. Other parents think its odd.

Show quote history

My FIL has just started calling himself Papa so now I'm mama and he's papa ! so I'm going to refer to him as grandpapa. But they have not had a fixed name since he was born they kept changing it. I should have put my foot down but I didn't want to be pushy and now it's backfired because my MIL has chosen the name my son calls me.

OP posts: