Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Would you be annoyed by this? Valentines card

148 replies

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:38

Firstly I don’t expect anything for valentines at all. I bought my partner a card and made some brownies. My partner also bought me a card and said he will make me dinner this evening.
I don’t expect some big sentimental message. In the card it said ‘sorry I do everything wrong all the time’
We’ve argued a lot lately. We’ve been together nearly 7 years and this is the rockiest it’s ever been. I’ve never once said he does everything wrong?! I just feel like
its a bit negative and didn’t need to be written.

OP posts:
HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 14/02/2023 09:06

monsteramunch · 14/02/2023 08:59

I really wish people would use the function to read all of OP's posts, even if they don't read everyone else's. This man is physically very aggressive and has hurt OP.

I'm guilty of this. Sorry. I didn't read the OP's update before commenting.

Sod the comment in the card, that's him trying to excuse his awful abusive behaviour towards you. You shouldn't have to tolerate this.

FabFitFifties · 14/02/2023 09:19

OP, I know he's grieving, but he is physically abusive, and you need to realise that this IS him. This is him when bereaved/stressed/struggling. Unless you both live a charmed life from now on, this is what you should expect for your future. You will be his physical and emotional punch bag every time life isn't good for him. This could include times when for instance you are unwell and in need of support from him - putting extra strain on him. Please think very seriously about this enormous red flag, and what you are accepting for your future.

ItchyBillco · 14/02/2023 09:21

He is very depressed however since this has been physically very aggressive towards me

This is extremely worrying. What has he done?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 09:22

qpmz · 14/02/2023 09:04

You say you don't expect anything at all for Valentines. Why not? I know it's commercialised but a gesture is nice isn't it? At the same time you get him a card and make some brownies so it seems disingenuous that you wouldn't like something back? There's nothing wrong with a bit of romance!

It sounds like you've stopped communicating properly and have forgotten why you're together in the first place. You need a heart to heart without being defensive.

Jesus the victim blaming here is astonishing.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 14/02/2023 09:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn by MNHQ.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn by MNHQ.

victim blaming is appalling. Post reported.

Climbles · 14/02/2023 09:28

But if a dip feed there that lots of posters seem to have missed. I would post again asking for advice about the actual problem. There are zero excuses to physically abuse your wife. Zero.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 09:28

GettingStuffed · 14/02/2023 08:54

It's the sort of comment my DH might make.

If I criticise him for anything that's the reply I get. However I know he doesn't mean it and it's rare that I do.

He's probably on the spectrum and tends to have a very fixed view of the world which doesn't always meet everyone else's.

But he has never hit me and rarely shouts at me

Ding ding ding. We have a winner. First post were someone blames an abusive man being physically aggressive towards his wife on autism.

Scienceadvisory · 14/02/2023 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn by MNHQ.

If you are also physically aggressive towards your husband like this man is to the OP then yes, you are a monster.
But more likely you are just too bloody lazy to read the couple of short posts she has made so it comes across as you laughing at a victim of domestic abuse.

TimeSlipMushroom · 14/02/2023 09:40

I was told my my ExH's male mental health worker that people can be violent when depressed as though that was ok. Bollocks to that I thought. I got support from a DV organisation and divorced him.
You don't need to put up with abuse OP

Doowop1919 · 14/02/2023 09:47

Grieving is not an excuse to be physically aggressive towards you. Ever. Leave, op. You deserve better and are in an abusive relationship

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 14/02/2023 09:48

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 09:26

victim blaming is appalling. Post reported.

Show quote history

I only read the op! I'd idea she posted about domestic violence, I thought I'd posted on a thread about a silly valentines day card 😬

chachachachachanges · 14/02/2023 09:52

I think he sounds sad and like he wants things to be better. Some people find it easier to deal with difficult stuff in writing than conversation (which can take a wrong turn). Or maybe he felt it was disingenuous to write a traditional lovey dovey message given that you're arguing a lot atm.

I'd treat it as an olive branch. Can you come up with a constructive way to respond?

What do you want to happen next in your relationship?

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 09:52

The physical aggression changes things. It's what abusers to do make you stay. They say sorry and promise they'll change.

chachachachachanges · 14/02/2023 09:53

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:49

It’s a tough one. He lost his dad in October which was horrendous to an awful disease. He is very depressed however since this has been physically very aggressive towards me. I know this is not truly him as he is going through so much grief. When he’s angry and hurts me he just changes into a different person.

Oops shoulda rtft. This changes everything

figmaofmyimagination · 14/02/2023 09:56

The problem is not what he has written in the card, the problem is that he is physically aggressive to you and hurts you.

LEAVE.

butterfliedtwo · 14/02/2023 09:58

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 14/02/2023 06:44

He clearly thinks you do though and tbh, from this snippet, i see his point - it's half 6 in the morning and you are telling the internet he's done something wrong. Maybe you are a bit more negative than you think you are.

This tbh.

Jk987 · 14/02/2023 09:59

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn i didn’t read the bit about the abuse until now.

butterfliedtwo · 14/02/2023 09:59

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 09:52

The physical aggression changes things. It's what abusers to do make you stay. They say sorry and promise they'll change.

Yes. I didn't see this.

You shouldn't be in this relationship.

Ariela · 14/02/2023 10:01

Why not tackle this with the fact he's acknowledged things are not right, and, if you wish the relationship to continue, suggest he goes for counselling and you both go for couples counselling too.

PaigeMatthews · 14/02/2023 10:16

Ariela · 14/02/2023 10:01

Why not tackle this with the fact he's acknowledged things are not right, and, if you wish the relationship to continue, suggest he goes for counselling and you both go for couples counselling too.

You should not encourage counselling with an abuser.

Phatgurlslym · 14/02/2023 10:24

Years ago I went to the doctor with a busted lip. He told me that all husbands and wives have arguments!

You remind me that I am so happy to be free. I am going to spend today doing loving things for myself.

I hope the OP is ok.

AlienSupaStar · 14/02/2023 10:34

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 14/02/2023 06:44

He clearly thinks you do though and tbh, from this snippet, i see his point - it's half 6 in the morning and you are telling the internet he's done something wrong. Maybe you are a bit more negative than you think you are.

This

Mugparrot · 14/02/2023 10:36

That's quite a drip feed.

I hope you're OK and can get some help OP. You know the card isn't the issue.

3487642l · 14/02/2023 10:38

A passive-aggressive, 'woe is me, I'm the victim, I get everything wrong' is a classic non-apology from an abuser. I'm sorry OP.

Sincerely sorry people don't apologize in this manner.

I dream of a world where when women ask the question "would you be annoyed by this?", we don't minimize his subtle cruel behaviour, blame her for his cruelty or try to convince her that his "apology" might be sincere. If he really wanted to apologize there are many ways to do that and say that. Let's stop trying to convince women to read good intentions into men's crappy behaviour.