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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be annoyed by this? Valentines card

148 replies

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:38

Firstly I don’t expect anything for valentines at all. I bought my partner a card and made some brownies. My partner also bought me a card and said he will make me dinner this evening.
I don’t expect some big sentimental message. In the card it said ‘sorry I do everything wrong all the time’
We’ve argued a lot lately. We’ve been together nearly 7 years and this is the rockiest it’s ever been. I’ve never once said he does everything wrong?! I just feel like
its a bit negative and didn’t need to be written.

OP posts:
Mugparrot · 14/02/2023 08:22

I'm really surprised at the responses here. I wouldn't see that as PA at all, I'd find it heartbreaking (OK maybe just upsetting) that he felt like that.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:22

Wife2b · 14/02/2023 08:16

I don’t think it’s passive aggressive at all, he’s telling you he is sorry in a light hearted way. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt.

Telling women to give men the benefit of the doubt after they've been physically aggressive, never mind repeatedly physically aggressive towards them justifies male violence against women. We have an epidemic of male violence against women. Stop justifying it.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 14/02/2023 08:25

And just to be clear as to why I read it differently - I have been deeply hurt by a man who was physically aggressive, but didn't physically hurt me. I guess I was projecting my experiences - but as soon as I saw how others were seeing it, my response changed.

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 08:26

Physically hurts you and we are reading a thread about a passage in a card. I think leaving would be a good option.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:28

Mugparrot · 14/02/2023 08:22

I'm really surprised at the responses here. I wouldn't see that as PA at all, I'd find it heartbreaking (OK maybe just upsetting) that he felt like that.

Sadly, Im no longer surprised to find so many women on mumsnet justifying male violence. It saddens me each and every time. But it no longer surprises me.

then people will sometimes apologise for not reading all the op's posts, like that in anyway changes the fact they put doubts into an abused woman’s head, where doubts already were.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:30

AnnoyedFromSlough · 14/02/2023 08:25

And just to be clear as to why I read it differently - I have been deeply hurt by a man who was physically aggressive, but didn't physically hurt me. I guess I was projecting my experiences - but as soon as I saw how others were seeing it, my response changed.

But why does that matter? Physically aggressive isnt good. It means violent in the future. Physically aggressive means get the fuck out now. Before youre dead.

if you think physically aggressive is fine, you need to be single and in therapy for what trauma led you there.

ShandaLear · 14/02/2023 08:30

If he’s physically aggressive towards you then she should be bloody sorry. It sounds like a pathetic passive aggressive attempt at an apology where he doesn’t actually seem to be taking responsibility for behaving badly towards you. I think you have bigger problems TBH

HinnyHoway · 14/02/2023 08:31

I think a lot of responses won’t have read OPs updates and this is going to turn into just other posters jumping down their throats.

OP, grief no matter how traumatic doesn’t give him the green light to be physically or emotionally abusive. And no amount of poorly worded Valentine’s Day cards can rectify that. Please do not excuse this behaviour but don’t for a second think he will change. Even if he does after the grief subsides… What happens in the future if he goes through something else hard? When it’s the anniversary of the death?

JL642 · 14/02/2023 08:33

Valentines card not the right place. However he is your partner and if you love him worth having a non heated chat to find out why he feels like that. Presumably you don’t want him to feel like that despite your recent arguments.

Kolakalia · 14/02/2023 08:37

He's physically aggressive to you? Does that mean he is hitting/pushing/hurting you?

If so, OP, please don't make excuses for him due to grief. Many of us, probably most of us have experienced grief. It doesn't turn you violent. Many of us could speak to traumatic losses, but it doesn't cause you to be physically aggressive to the people you love. Let alone repeatedly, as it sounds like a pattern?

That card is super passive aggressive tbh, it is very 'woe is me', I would personally let it go though as you have bigger problems if he's being physically aggressive. Focus on that, not the content of a card.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 14/02/2023 08:44

He's a pathetic woman-beater OP. Get rid.

Advicerequest · 14/02/2023 08:45

The card is not the issue
the issue is that he's been physically harming you
what difference would it make if he wrote a moving message, If he's physically harming you
years ago a man I really really loved tried to explain his poor behaviour after we'd split up by telling me about his unhappy childhood.
I said I was really sympathetic but just because he was suffering didn't mean he had to take it out on me.
there is no excuse. You can empathise and understand but not excuse.
I would get out but if you are determined to stay seek marriage guidance

Blessedtobeamum · 14/02/2023 08:48

I think it says how low he must be feeling.

Advicerequest · 14/02/2023 08:48

(I expect the counsellor would also advise you to get out if you are being physically harmed)

AnnoyedFromSlough · 14/02/2023 08:50

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:30

But why does that matter? Physically aggressive isnt good. It means violent in the future. Physically aggressive means get the fuck out now. Before youre dead.

if you think physically aggressive is fine, you need to be single and in therapy for what trauma led you there.

Show quote history

I never said that physically aggressive is fine.

Mugparrot · 14/02/2023 08:52

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 08:28

Sadly, Im no longer surprised to find so many women on mumsnet justifying male violence. It saddens me each and every time. But it no longer surprises me.

then people will sometimes apologise for not reading all the op's posts, like that in anyway changes the fact they put doubts into an abused woman’s head, where doubts already were.

Show quote history

I hadn't seen the update re the violence and was just responding to the OP. Any violence or threat of violence and he should be gone.

Blessedtobeamum · 14/02/2023 08:54

Blessedtobeamum · 14/02/2023 08:48

I think it says how low he must be feeling.

Sorry I didn't see the update (before anyone jumps on me).
I'm really struggling myself at the moment.

GettingStuffed · 14/02/2023 08:54

It's the sort of comment my DH might make.

If I criticise him for anything that's the reply I get. However I know he doesn't mean it and it's rare that I do.

He's probably on the spectrum and tends to have a very fixed view of the world which doesn't always meet everyone else's.

But he has never hit me and rarely shouts at me

Ohhmydays · 14/02/2023 08:55

Shemovesshemoves21 · 14/02/2023 06:41

I wouldn't be annoyed. More concerned as to why he thinks he's doing everything wrong. Maybe reflect on what you're arguing about and what you say to him to get a better understanding of why he feels that way? It comes across as an apology of sorts as to why he thinks you're arguing so much. Just speak to him.

I think this too

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 14/02/2023 08:56

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 14/02/2023 06:44

He clearly thinks you do though and tbh, from this snippet, i see his point - it's half 6 in the morning and you are telling the internet he's done something wrong. Maybe you are a bit more negative than you think you are.

Have to agree with this.

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 08:56

Sounds like the right place to write it. Why does he feel that way ?

This is a good starting point are you over critical?

Can you think before you speak

Eg instead of saying "why is this dish in the sink again?" Which can be confrontational. Think how that can be better handled/expressed

monsteramunch · 14/02/2023 08:59

I really wish people would use the function to read all of OP's posts, even if they don't read everyone else's. This man is physically very aggressive and has hurt OP.

brianixon · 14/02/2023 09:04

This reply has been deleted

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qpmz · 14/02/2023 09:04

You say you don't expect anything at all for Valentines. Why not? I know it's commercialised but a gesture is nice isn't it? At the same time you get him a card and make some brownies so it seems disingenuous that you wouldn't like something back? There's nothing wrong with a bit of romance!

It sounds like you've stopped communicating properly and have forgotten why you're together in the first place. You need a heart to heart without being defensive.

Hohoholdthesherry · 14/02/2023 09:05

Physical aggression is not OK, no excuses, no reasons.

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