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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be annoyed by this? Valentines card

148 replies

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:38

Firstly I don’t expect anything for valentines at all. I bought my partner a card and made some brownies. My partner also bought me a card and said he will make me dinner this evening.
I don’t expect some big sentimental message. In the card it said ‘sorry I do everything wrong all the time’
We’ve argued a lot lately. We’ve been together nearly 7 years and this is the rockiest it’s ever been. I’ve never once said he does everything wrong?! I just feel like
its a bit negative and didn’t need to be written.

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 14/02/2023 06:53

Surely it doesn't matter what he writes in a card. If he's physically abusive you need to leave. Please tell me there aren't kids in this nightmare?

ChrisTrepidation · 14/02/2023 06:53

Physically aggressive to you?

That is completely unacceptable, grieving or not. You have bigger problems than a passive aggressive valentines day card.

plumduck · 14/02/2023 06:53

If he physically hurts you you must leave. There's no coming back from that.

Zipadeebooyah · 14/02/2023 06:54

Nimbostratus100 · 14/02/2023 06:44

sounds like its what he feels he needs to say to you right now, sounds heartfelt

Does it fuck.

It's passive aggressive and as PP said, you can't win. You bring it up with him and he'll say "see this is another example of how I can't get anything right!" He's painting you as a nag who doesn't appreciate anything he does and grinds him down.

It's a game and you can't win.

It's pathetic.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 14/02/2023 06:54

Although if by physically aggressive you mean he's causing you physical harm, you need to rethink your relationship. I didn't read it that way, but I can see why people are.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 06:55

Aww OP, you seem to have normalised his aggression towards you. It isn't normal. The 'woe is me' message in the card is the least of your worries FlowersFlowersFlowers

Zipadeebooyah · 14/02/2023 06:56

There's not a chance in hell it's genuine if he's physically hurting you.

Time to end this relationship. A line has been crossed.

Lengokengo · 14/02/2023 06:56

Him physically hurting you is not acceptable.

This message can either be an olive branch or snarky passive/ aggressive. We won’t be able to tell you.

You should not be on the receiving end of his lack of ability to control himself. Am sure he didn’t take this approach with other men, eg Co- workers etc. Stay safe. Consider your options. Keep your options open.

Lostinplaces · 14/02/2023 06:58

The way you’ve casually dropped in the physical abuse like it’s nothing is really alarming. Why are you bothered about a pass-agg message in a card when your DP is physically abusing you? Fucking hell OP. Leave the cunt.

ButterBastardBeans · 14/02/2023 06:59

Lostinplaces · 14/02/2023 06:58

The way you’ve casually dropped in the physical abuse like it’s nothing is really alarming. Why are you bothered about a pass-agg message in a card when your DP is physically abusing you? Fucking hell OP. Leave the cunt.

This

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 07:01

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:49

It’s a tough one. He lost his dad in October which was horrendous to an awful disease. He is very depressed however since this has been physically very aggressive towards me. I know this is not truly him as he is going through so much grief. When he’s angry and hurts me he just changes into a different person.

That's just not true. It is still him. He has not been a good partner in years and now has an excuse to physically hurt you as well.

you have a responsibility to protect yourself. And you need to protect your children.

You being upset about a line in a card is your brain screaming at you that this is part of a much bigger problem.

2crossedout1 · 14/02/2023 07:03

OP, are you ok?

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2023 07:06

I was going to post in support of your DP, as I wouldn't take it as PA usually but once you updated with

since this has been physically very aggressive towards me

Then it's really alarming. If he is hurting you, he needs to leave. Can you get help from anyone in real life?

tara66 · 14/02/2023 07:07

So no romance there then?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 07:09

tara66 · 14/02/2023 07:07

So no romance there then?

What a bizarre response.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2023 07:09

Sunshine1996 · 14/02/2023 06:38

Firstly I don’t expect anything for valentines at all. I bought my partner a card and made some brownies. My partner also bought me a card and said he will make me dinner this evening.
I don’t expect some big sentimental message. In the card it said ‘sorry I do everything wrong all the time’
We’ve argued a lot lately. We’ve been together nearly 7 years and this is the rockiest it’s ever been. I’ve never once said he does everything wrong?! I just feel like
its a bit negative and didn’t need to be written.

Your response to this makes me sympathetic to your partner. Another thing they've done " wrong" rather than you taking it as a loving apology, and an effort to move things forward.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 07:12

RedHelenB · 14/02/2023 07:09

Your response to this makes me sympathetic to your partner. Another thing they've done " wrong" rather than you taking it as a loving apology, and an effort to move things forward.

Show quote history

Really? Sympathetic to the physically aggressive partner? Or you for real?

ffs some women’s standards for me are on the fucking floor.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2023 07:12

Why didn't you put he was physically abusing you in your OP? Changes everything, you need to end the relationship.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 14/02/2023 07:13

RedHelenB · 14/02/2023 07:09

Your response to this makes me sympathetic to your partner. Another thing they've done " wrong" rather than you taking it as a loving apology, and an effort to move things forward.

Show quote history

You might want to read the OP's updates.......

JimHensonWasAGenius · 14/02/2023 07:13

@RedHelenB Apologies, cross posted.

tara66 · 14/02/2023 07:16

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/02/2023 07:09

What a bizarre response.

Show quote history

It's 14/2/23 - St. Valentine's Day today - i.e. meant to be ''romantic'' - did you not know?

JobSeekingMissile · 14/02/2023 07:21

RedHelenB · 14/02/2023 07:12

Why didn't you put he was physically abusing you in your OP? Changes everything, you need to end the relationship.

Why didn't you read the OP's posts before replying?
The OP has clearly normalised him physically harming her, he is an abuser that has impaired her judgement of what is normal. More criticism is unhelpful when he has clearly undermined her confidence so much.
OP, losing his father is an awful experience but it is NOT an excuse for his behaviour. If you let him continue you could be putting your life at risk. Please choose safety.

SpringIntoChaos · 14/02/2023 07:26

My mum died in December and I'm grieving massively...but guess what? I've never, NEVER lashed out at anyone, either verbally or physically.

Don't continue to make excuses for your partner. Violence is NEVER acceptable!!

(The card is the least of your problems!)

SpringIntoChaos · 14/02/2023 07:30

AnnoyedFromSlough · 14/02/2023 06:54

Although if by physically aggressive you mean he's causing you physical harm, you need to rethink your relationship. I didn't read it that way, but I can see why people are.

How else could 'physically aggressive' be construed?

user1492757084 · 14/02/2023 07:33

Any changes in personality that involve physical violence need attention straight away - a professional needs to address it with dh. He is not coping and life will be better when he is back to normal so it is worth the effort.
Your husband is feeling very down, guilty, sad and needs to seek help.

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