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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband Wants to Write to Daughter but only if I Won't Read

122 replies

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

So, long story short, my ex husband has made virtually no effort to maintain contact with our daugher since we separted 15 months ago and hasn't even texted her since November. He didn't send anything for her 16th birthday, sent her some cash via my account for Christmas and now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

Apols for all the typos - I'm livid.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 13/02/2023 23:17

Don't tell him anything .why would he even know if you read it or not?

autumncrisp · 13/02/2023 23:18

Well, he can't stop you. But ultimately it's up to your daughter if she shares it with you. You need to respect her privacy and not pressure her into showing you. And this is regardless of him trying to police it.

Hadalifeonce · 13/02/2023 23:18

It's entirely up to your DD whether or not she shares what he has written to her.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 13/02/2023 23:18

why would you want to read what he’s written to her? Surely that’s between them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 23:19

Do you routinely open her post?

Grimchmas · 13/02/2023 23:19

That's a bouquet of red flags. But if he addresses it to a 17 year old I don't think you have any right to read it - it would depend entirely on if she wanted you to or not.

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:20

He expects her to share whatever he writes with me, that's why he's asking that I refuse if offered.

OP posts:
WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/02/2023 23:21

I’d be open with your daughter she’s 16.

Dad wants to send you a card but has told me I can’t read it. That worries me because of x, y & z. I’d really appreciate if you could let me know what it says.

or as PP says read it anyway.

as for him It’s bloody odd, why can’t he see her & talk face to face if it’s private???? sounds like to me he’s trying to be all dramatic about nothing

yummumto3girls · 13/02/2023 23:21

That sounds manipulative of him and what a strange request, I can understand why you would be upset and would be suspicious of what he would be trying to hide. On the other hand you can’t stop him writing to her.

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:22

Hmm, I don't know how to respond individually.
I don't go through her mail, but she voluntarily tells me what he texts her when he bothers.

OP posts:
stripedsox · 13/02/2023 23:23

If it's written to dd it's none of your business as to the contents tbh. Are you concerned he's going to be negative about you?
Dd will share with you only if she wants to. Sh'es old enough to make her own decisions and have her own opinions as to what she thinks about her df.

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:23

yummumto3girls · 13/02/2023 23:21

That sounds manipulative of him and what a strange request, I can understand why you would be upset and would be suspicious of what he would be trying to hide. On the other hand you can’t stop him writing to her.

He is manipulative, and it seems strange to me. What can he want to tell her that he needs to keep from me?
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:24

stripedsox · 13/02/2023 23:23

If it's written to dd it's none of your business as to the contents tbh. Are you concerned he's going to be negative about you?
Dd will share with you only if she wants to. Sh'es old enough to make her own decisions and have her own opinions as to what she thinks about her df.

I'm not saying it's my business. It's up to her whether she wants to share. He's asking that I refuse if she offers. That seems weird. Forcing her to keep some secret?

OP posts:
Reugny · 13/02/2023 23:26

You are both weird.

If someone sends your DD a card or letter due to her age then it is up to her if she wants to show you and share what is in it.

Don't say anything to him.

Also don't force your DD to share what's in it and don't even ask what is in it.

However your DD is likely to tell you simply because he didn't bother sending her stuff last year and you are acting disinterested.

Theunamedcat · 13/02/2023 23:26

Its up to her not him or you

I'm guessing it's going to be a lot of self serving bollocks exes wife tried it to my dd when she was 15 loads of your mum has skellingtons in her closet only we can tell you about you can come home to us anytime you like we love you we never left you your mum is just prejudice because we smoke weed (and the fucking rest) she has always had it in for your dad because he is a functional alcoholic she forced him to pay thousands in child support (actually he owed a couple of hundred they spent thousands tracking him and taking him to court he had to pay for them tracking him down) the abuse when she said no thanks was really bad

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:27

WhatsMyUsername89 · 13/02/2023 23:21

I’d be open with your daughter she’s 16.

Dad wants to send you a card but has told me I can’t read it. That worries me because of x, y & z. I’d really appreciate if you could let me know what it says.

or as PP says read it anyway.

as for him It’s bloody odd, why can’t he see her & talk face to face if it’s private???? sounds like to me he’s trying to be all dramatic about nothing

She's very nearly 17, that's what's brought this up!

I'm not interested in going throgh her mail or invading her privacy; it's the fact that's he's asking me to tell her NOT to read it to me if she wants to that I find weird.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/02/2023 23:28

Sorry cat is trying to sit on my face

I would advice your daughter that its her right to share or not but if she has concerns about the contents she needs to reach out to someone not let it fester you don't need to be that person though just a trusted person

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:28

Reugny · 13/02/2023 23:26

You are both weird.

If someone sends your DD a card or letter due to her age then it is up to her if she wants to show you and share what is in it.

Don't say anything to him.

Also don't force your DD to share what's in it and don't even ask what is in it.

However your DD is likely to tell you simply because he didn't bother sending her stuff last year and you are acting disinterested.

I'm weird because he's asking me to refuse to listen if she wants to share.
Gotcha.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 13/02/2023 23:29

Sounds like he just wants to fuck with your head tbh. He will either write something that is likely to upset or offend you or if you refuse to promise not to read it he will then blame you for preventing him contact your dd.

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

MelchiorsMistress · 13/02/2023 23:30

The fact that he has that little respect or care for your daughter and her choices about what she shares when she needs emotional support shows you’re right to tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:31

SnarkyBag · 13/02/2023 23:29

Sounds like he just wants to fuck with your head tbh. He will either write something that is likely to upset or offend you or if you refuse to promise not to read it he will then blame you for preventing him contact your dd.

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

Thank you, that's it:

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:32

MelchiorsMistress · 13/02/2023 23:30

The fact that he has that little respect or care for your daughter and her choices about what she shares when she needs emotional support shows you’re right to tell him to fuck off.

Thank you!

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 13/02/2023 23:33

SnarkyBag · 13/02/2023 23:29

Sounds like he just wants to fuck with your head tbh. He will either write something that is likely to upset or offend you or if you refuse to promise not to read it he will then blame you for preventing him contact your dd.

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

This with bells on.

Eyerollcentral · 13/02/2023 23:36

Yeah he is a prick but you are giving him the reaction he knows he will get - you are livid. Just say it’s no skin off my nose what you write, I’ve no interest in the contents of the letter. Then wait for the letter never to appear. You are playing right in to his hands. Your daughter will tell you what’s in the letter any way. Stop giving him the power.