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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex Husband Wants to Write to Daughter but only if I Won't Read

122 replies

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

So, long story short, my ex husband has made virtually no effort to maintain contact with our daugher since we separted 15 months ago and hasn't even texted her since November. He didn't send anything for her 16th birthday, sent her some cash via my account for Christmas and now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:

Burntoutandfedup · 14/02/2023 09:19

If it's a normal, hey how are you? I'm working at xyz really missing you and hope you can come see me soon type letter then why can't you read that?? The only reason he might want to hide it is if hes planning on writing to her about something shade e.g

Ive got a new girlfriend

your mums an xyz

or maybe he's trying to blame the separation on you and give reasons

thats all I can think of as to why he might be wanting to hide the contents. If there's nothing to hide why hide it??

Schnooze · 14/02/2023 09:22

“It’s up to dd what she wants to write or share. She’s virtually an adult and her privacy boundaries are totally hers to decide.”

barmycatmum · 14/02/2023 09:39

Oh, HELL no. No no no no.
I’d be protecting my daughter from that like a rabid bear. Oh HELL no would he be allowed to do that.

it’s bound to be gaslighting, manipulative, and full on WRONG If he wants to hide it from you. Nope. Please protect her

purpledalmation · 14/02/2023 10:03

Entirely up to your daughter what she does. ExH will just have to be told that.

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 10:04

BadNomad · 14/02/2023 01:04

I would have said "sure" then hoped she'd show me because I really know what his big secret is now! I couldn't care less about breaking his trust.

Me too......what a twat.

Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 10:12

“I’m dying of some mystery illness and I don’t want your mother to know b/c I don’t want to upset her” (Because it’s bullshit and I just want attention.)

“I’m going to make up for everything by buying you a car/pony/apartment/holographic friendly dragon and all you have to do is jump through these impossible hoops and be beholden to me and my whims for the rest of eternity while I gaslight you and hold it over your head - if it comes to fruition at all, which is extremely unlikely given my pattern of behaviour.”

”You’re going to be a big sister! I’m so fucking excited! I have never felt more fulfilled in my life! I can’t imagine ever being so happy before! Can you imagine how wonderful it feels to be told I’m finally going to be a FATHER?” 40 Million Points for sensitivity and making this about him.

LSSG · 14/02/2023 10:23

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:20

He expects her to share whatever he writes with me, that's why he's asking that I refuse if offered.

How controlling. she's 17, he can't control what she does or doesn't share with you and neither could you (if you wanted to). He's probably going to lay the blame for lack of contact at your door.

Xol · 14/02/2023 10:26

He could reasonably feel a bit awkward about the fact that anything he writes may be seen by you - if I were in that situation with my ex seeing what I wrote to my children I would feel it would restrict what I could say. But he could get round that by asking his daughter not to show you, rather than making the whole thing conditional on you promising not to read it even if asked.

Or, of course, he could simply meet up with his daughter and communicate whatever he wants to say through the radical technique of opening his mouth and letting words come out.

fUNNYfACE36 · 14/02/2023 10:30

He must think that your dd feels she has to share everything with you.I ep u ld just reassure her thatvthis is not the case

Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 11:09

Come to think of it, maybe the best response would have been something like,
”You can’t possibly think I’m interested in reading any of your drivel either? LOL!”

PoseyFlump · 14/02/2023 13:21

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 23:19

Do you routinely open her post?

Is someone else using your username @MrsTerryPratchett because your posts never used to be this fucking weird.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2023 15:58

@PoseyFlump I misread the OP.

Soz!

PoseyFlump · 14/02/2023 18:59

Okay @MrsTerryPratchett Normality has been resumed 😂

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2023 19:07

PoseyFlump · 14/02/2023 18:59

Okay @MrsTerryPratchett Normality has been resumed 😂

Want a job as a proofreader?

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 19:11

Tell him that if he doesn't want you to read what he writes to her he could have an actual conversation, although that might blow his tiny little mind. Fingers crossed.

HedgeWitchy · 14/02/2023 19:13

All you need to say, on repeat if necessary, is
’I will always prioritise DD and respect her decisions. I will respond to her questions or needs, and I will respect her privacy when she needs it’

HappySonHappyMum · 14/02/2023 19:25

OP I have been in your situation - six months after my DF died his wife wrote to my DD on her 17th birthday. In the first line she asked my DD to keep the letter secret from me, asked if they could write to one another and subtly trashed me throughout. My DD has had no contact with her or my DF for about 11 years as he discarded his old family when he decided to leave my DM for her best friend and join her family instead. The wife had known me since I was a child and finished the letter telling my DD 'that I used to be such a nice little girl when I was younger'. Luckily my DD thrust the letter at me and saw right through her. It was really unsettling for me though but I realise I have to trust that my DD is a good judge of character and ultimately she saw right through her charade.

PoseyFlump · 14/02/2023 20:37

@MrsTerryPratchett what's the pay like? 😂 I genuinely thought you'd been hacked 🤣

TheRAW · 02/03/2023 02:25

He ain't right. In fact it sounds like he is attempting to manipulate your daughter, perhaps trying to get out of any responsibility he has toward her future.

If I were to guess, he wants to offer her something that she will find hard to refuse (like a brand car instead of paying tuition for college). But he knows you will see through it and talk her out of accepting his offer.

Good luck and keep your guard up.

Azalea247 · 04/03/2023 08:20

Ok I get all the comments about privacy. I do. And those saying this are all adults who live in their own homes and have all the privacy they can afford. But (and I'm about to make myself sound like baby boomer), minors have little expectation of privacy. Everything that arrives to that home is under the purview of the adult in charge.

Having said that she is old enough for you to have a conversation with. If you feel he might say/send something that could cause emotional harm to your daughter, then speak to her. Ask how she feels about their relationship and what her expectations are. Encourage her to tell you if whatever he sends seems wrong or off. Or contains the dreaded words "don't tell your mother". Any adult telling that to a minor is hiding something and usually nothing good.

Don't open what he sends outright, but do be present when it's opened.

Aposterhasnoname · 04/03/2023 08:30

Really not seeing the issue here. Tell him whatever he wants to hear, then if your DD wants to show it to you, let her. You owe him fuck all. Once he sends it, it’s your DDs property to do with whatever she wants, including showing you.

Yellowdays · 04/03/2023 09:17

Any adult telling that to a minor is hiding something

True.

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