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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband Wants to Write to Daughter but only if I Won't Read

122 replies

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

So, long story short, my ex husband has made virtually no effort to maintain contact with our daugher since we separted 15 months ago and hasn't even texted her since November. He didn't send anything for her 16th birthday, sent her some cash via my account for Christmas and now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:
Bayleaf25 · 14/02/2023 07:38

Agree with this …

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

I’d then try not to get into any further discussion with him as ultimately at 17 he can communicate directly with DD.

validnumber · 14/02/2023 07:40

AJ65 · 14/02/2023 01:02

Thanks to all who understood my issue and responded.

I told him it was up to him what he wanted to share with her and up to her to share what she wants with me. I told my daughter about this exchange and now she's [only jokingly] mad at me because she wants to know what he was going to write.

Perfect!
Your dd is lucky to have such a great mum and it sounds like you have a great relationship.
The many responses to you at the start of the thread are some of the most bizarre I have read on mumsnet! What's happened to people?!!

Coxspurplepippin · 14/02/2023 07:41

If your daughter chooses to share the contents of her correspondence with you that is her choice completely.

xJoy · 14/02/2023 07:41

My x did not consult me first but we had a similar situation, perhaps. Christmas cards arrived with comments like ''you really need to contact me before xx/xx/xx '' when he'd not been in contact all year. And ''we're not the bad guys!'' (There are bad guys!? she laughed)

Then letters arrived but she was scared opening them and sure enough, they were what she feared, more manipulation, shaming her for not visiting him, shaming her for a lot of stuff that he as an adult had not done himself. One she left scrumpled up outside. I found it and it did go on about how wronged he'd been (I left him because he was abusive) and how he was not the bad guy and her mother's ''twisted ways''. So I could see why she didn't open it.

I told her that any letters from her father should leave her feeling loved, encouraged, supported and lighter! And if they did not, that was his failing not hers. I've been quite clear to her, the role of a parent is to support. She felt manipulated by her father from quite a young age and has a label to put on that.

he doesn't write anymore. He can't manipulate her and he doesn't know how else to relate to her.

Mumsanetta · 14/02/2023 07:42

Amazing how many people don’t read properly. The OP said “now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.” Nothing to suggest that OP opens her child’s mail 🙄.

@AJ65 he is trying to be manipulative and control your interactions with your daughter. Tell him to fuck off.

Tessisme · 14/02/2023 07:50

Not surprised he's an ex @AJ65! Does he not realise if he writes on a card/sheet of paper, that once he sends it to your daughter it is no longer his? It becomes the property of your daughter. Maybe he believes he owns the intellectual rights to it. He could copyright it or something, but even that would only mean it couldn't be reproduced - assuming it was worth reproducing🤣 I mean, bloody hell ...!

Duckingella · 14/02/2023 07:54

So he wants to potentially upset her on her birthday?;if you're not together and he's maintaining no contact with your DD then why are you even still speaking to him?;your daughter is nearly 17;he has her phone number;he can make arrangements directly with her for contact if it ever happens.

I'm going to hazard a guess there was an element of EA and control issues in the relationship.He's obviously goading you;just block his number.

xJoy · 14/02/2023 07:57

I'll tell you what his game is, well, I can only guess obviously but as you say he's manipulative, I think he is creating a secret that will draw your daughter in, the binding of secrecy and the two of them ''colluding'' (reluctantly on her part) to keep this 'secret' is a very cheap form of instant intimacy.

It'll be something you KNOW isn't true, or something you know makes no sense.

Perhaps that his mother is a secret millionaire and when she dies, all this {-} wealth will be hers, if, she is respectful enough to him, or that he carries the indigo gene for being a victim

After she's read the letter, just let her know that YOU are there to support her, that you are not leaning on her. That there's no problem in your new family unit that you will not be there to try and resolve.

Chrimbob · 14/02/2023 07:59

You don't have to respond to batshit requests like this. I'd ignore him. I appreciate you've responded now, but don't feel obliged in the future. Your relationship is with your DD not him.

Climbles · 14/02/2023 08:02

Id bet a lot of money that It’s not about the letter or your DD m, it’s about having contact and conflict with you. He gets something out of the back and forth with you. Him making demands you trying to argue. Him winning and feeling like billy big balls or him losing and him getting to blame you for causing a rift between him and his daughter. He enjoys it. Was he like this when you were together?

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 14/02/2023 08:07

“You are of course welcome to write to your daughter, what she chooses to do with her Mail is her prerogative, what I do if she asks me to read HER mail is between her and I, nothing to do with you’

Scuttlingherbert · 14/02/2023 08:09

SkankingWombat · 14/02/2023 01:13

"I am under no obligation to promise anything to you. My priorities have always been my daughter's well-being and maintaining an open relationship. Whilst I have no intention or desire to read her mail univited, she knows I am always available to discuss any topic she wants to bring to me. You are, of course, free to send her a letter, but it is entirely her choice what she does with it once received. To suggest anything else is controlling and, frankly, bizarre."

Then, as the PP suggested, I would be warning your DD that her F may send her a letter. I'd tell her that he has insisted you promise not to read it. Stress this is extremely controlling and not his decision to make. Explain you do not need to know what is in the letter, the choice is entirely hers to share or not. You both respect her privacy but will always be there to listen or help as needed, as are X,Y,Z family/family friends if she needs a more impartial ear/voice.
I have been the daughter with a controlling and manipulative F. Luckily, I also had a DM who stood up to him, protected me as much as she could during childhood, and was there to help me learn to negotiate the relationship and listen when it went wrong during the teen years. By my 20s, I was well versed in his tactics and able to protect myself as necessary. I never got over the instant panicked stomach flipping vomit-y feeling of receiving an unexpected letter or email out of the blue after a long stretch of no contact though (because it always spelled a complicated dance through emotional blackmail, guilting, and crafty subtle manipulation).

Excellent post.

hoopsandholes · 14/02/2023 08:13

It sounds like a manipulate game that he is trying to create between you and your daughter. Saying he wants to send her a letter, and if she wants to read it to you, you are supposed to refuse and say you can't hear it?
He can obviously send the letter but if she chooses to share that with you, be willing to listen and be supportive. He can't dictate what your daughter shared with you. He's being manipulative.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/02/2023 08:21

He probably wants to tell her his side of the story and rubbish you to her. I can’t think of any other reason why you would do this. And if she wants to share it with you, you absolutely should read it.

Xol · 14/02/2023 08:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 23:19

Do you routinely open her post?

Read the OP - it's perfectly clear that this arises only if OP's daughter wants to share.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/02/2023 08:29

Good response to him op.

You have to wonder why an adult would want to write to a child, and not be comfortable with the mother knowing what's being said. It sounds like it's just a control thing with you op, but worrying all the same

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/02/2023 08:53

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/02/2023 08:21

He probably wants to tell her his side of the story and rubbish you to her. I can’t think of any other reason why you would do this. And if she wants to share it with you, you absolutely should read it.

I’d say it’s more likely he wants to not bother at all but wants to make it the OPs fault that he “can’t” so his shit fathering is her fault.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 14/02/2023 08:55

SnarkyBag · 13/02/2023 23:29

Sounds like he just wants to fuck with your head tbh. He will either write something that is likely to upset or offend you or if you refuse to promise not to read it he will then blame you for preventing him contact your dd.

Tell him that your relationship with your dd and what you share with each is your business and what he chooses to write or not write is his.

This definitely! How manipulative!

Obviously you would be wrong to read what he writes without your daughter's knowledge or against her will BUT this isn't something you do. Asking you to refuse to allow your daughter to confide in you unprompted and of her own free will suggests he's deliberately planning to write something that he knows will upset her and trying to manipulate you into refusing to support her in dealing with whatever it is if she comes to you about it!

It's weird that he's even approached you hypothetically seeking promises that you won't let your nearly 17 year old confide in you about something he hasn't even written yet.

It sounds so dodgy and so much as though he's setting up to hurt his own daughter emotionally with whatever he's planning to write!

xJoy · 14/02/2023 08:59

Yeh could be, a massive exercise in his own rationalisations. My x stopped maintenance the day she turned 18, well, actually, the month before as he didn't pay the month she turned 18! She hadn't finished school!!! He wrote her this bs letter about how getting a job was the best thing he ever did. I was like whaaaat, he went to uni and did post grad Qs but he wrote to our daughter basically putting on paper his justification for stopping maintenance. She'll never forget that. He didn't ask her what she was hoping to do! Or were there the funds. Just a flowery letter about how getting a job was character building.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 14/02/2023 09:04

Scuttlingherbert · 14/02/2023 08:09

Excellent post.

Show quote history

This is excellent advice - I'm sorry you had to endure such a manipulative father though. Parents shouldn't be the source of children and teenagers' growing up but a resource to help us navigate the world like your mum. It's amazing how many parents manage to convince themselves that parenting is all about the adults and their rights, wants and needs and what they can get out of their relationship with the child, not about supporting their child as they grow up 😞

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 09:04

No. You tell him that you won't ask to read it, but you also won't refuse if your dd wants to share it with you. You will be guided by her wishes in this matter only. You expect him to respect her wishes also. He can express his preference that she doesn't share, but ultimately, that will be her choice.

OhClunge · 14/02/2023 09:06

Tell him it's his daughters letter to show whoever she likes and he can go fuck himself

stillcantthinkofaname · 14/02/2023 09:10

He sounds controlling . Sorry you have to deal with it, I’m sure you will handle it well and it’s understandable you’re pissed off.
It’s a really shame some people on here feel the need to pile in and wrongly accuse you of trying to open her post, clearly that’s not what you’re talking about.
Watch him disappear in your rear view mirror as your daughter grows older, and have a brilliant life

Greblegable · 14/02/2023 09:12

AJ65 · 14/02/2023 01:02

Thanks to all who understood my issue and responded.

I told him it was up to him what he wanted to share with her and up to her to share what she wants with me. I told my daughter about this exchange and now she's [only jokingly] mad at me because she wants to know what he was going to write.

I think this response is spot on.

honestly she’s 17 if he wants to talk to her privately he needs to meet up with her.

JanglyBeads · 14/02/2023 09:15

Point out to him that if your DD wants you to read something, you read it, because you're a supportive loving parent?