Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband Wants to Write to Daughter but only if I Won't Read

122 replies

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

So, long story short, my ex husband has made virtually no effort to maintain contact with our daugher since we separted 15 months ago and hasn't even texted her since November. He didn't send anything for her 16th birthday, sent her some cash via my account for Christmas and now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:
journeyofinsanity · 13/02/2023 23:38

stripedsox · 13/02/2023 23:23

If it's written to dd it's none of your business as to the contents tbh. Are you concerned he's going to be negative about you?
Dd will share with you only if she wants to. Sh'es old enough to make her own decisions and have her own opinions as to what she thinks about her df.

Perhaps you should re-read the thread before attacking the OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 23:38

He's asking that I refuse if she offers.

This is what the 👍🏽 was invented for.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 13/02/2023 23:40

That’s really up to your daughter if you read it or not

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/02/2023 23:44

I would just say to him, and your DD, that as a young adult her decisions about what she discusses with you are hers.

You’ll not be having him, or anyone else, dictate what she’s allowed to confide or discuss with you.

In much the same way a young child should never be told to keep secrets from a parent an older child should never be prevented from sharing with their parent if they so wish.

Reugny · 13/02/2023 23:45

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:28

I'm weird because he's asking me to refuse to listen if she wants to share.
Gotcha.

Show quote history

Yes.

You know he's a fuckwit so why are you indulging his nonsense?

Your DD will very soon be an adult and she doesn't have disabilities then due to her age she needs to have a relationship with him herself - that's if she wants one. She can then choose to show you what you already know about his behaviour - or not.

You have absolutely no reason to talk to him other to sort out practical things like finances. Even then once you are divorced, your DD is over 18 and not in secondary education, he needs to sort it out with her. Again she is free to tell you what's happening or not.

HeddaGarbled · 13/02/2023 23:48

I wouldn’t even bother to reply to him. Don’t get sucked in to this nonsense.

SandyY2K · 13/02/2023 23:50

I think a lot of replies didn't fully understand this properly....either that or they were not so wise.

Quite frankly, I'd either ignore him altogether or tell him if your daughter wishes to share the contents with you, you won't refuse.

What an idiot he is.

BreadInCaptivity · 13/02/2023 23:54

He is being unreasonable.

Ultimately at her age it's your DD's decision who (if anyone) she wants to share what he has written.

You don't have a right to review the letter before she reads it but you are also not obliged to discharge your parental responsibility on his say so by refusing to read it if asked to do so (or discuss any parts of it if asked for your perspective).

It's very manipulative behaviour and personally I'd tell him just that and say after virtually no contact since you separated he ought to be building trust and bridges with his child, and rather than using her 17th birthday as a masterclass in narcissism, he should put his efforts into making the occasion about her and not him - as a starting point by buying a card and a well considered present, rather than an angst ridden letter explaining away why he's been AWOL for over a year (or whatever else he wants to get of his chest).

His problems/grievances/explanations do not equate to a birthday gift.

MajesticWhine · 13/02/2023 23:57

I think I would just say sure I won't read it. She can still tell you what it says if she wants to.

Mothership4two · 14/02/2023 00:04

Just say of course I'm not going to refuse her if she asks me to read it as that's just weird. It's up to him if he sends it or not. This all sounds odd

LexMitior · 14/02/2023 00:14

Just let him send it. He's a drama Queen. You can always talk to her about it.

If he's stupid enough to write a "your mother is evil because" letter then have think about how sensible your
DD is.

Obviously he is massive head wrecking creep and would like both of you fighting over this letter.

midlifecrash · 14/02/2023 00:18

He doesn’t want to write to her but he wants it to be your fault

LexMitior · 14/02/2023 00:23

Write your daughter a letter on her 17th birthday. And tell him not to worry because she definitely won't share it with him.

Headwrecker

JimnJoyce · 14/02/2023 00:35

my ex husband would do this too. I let him get on with his shit because i cant change him. DD has refused to see him for the last 2 years but he still texts bollocks to her. At 14 she already knows she can show it to
me if she wants, or not.

Hadjab · 14/02/2023 00:35

Why are so many posters not able to grasp basic comprehension? OP has not said she wants to read the letter. OP has not said she is going to read the letter. OP has said her weird ex doesn’t want her to read the letter, even if her daughter does want to share the contents with her. If you can’t see how controlling and generally dickish that is, and how he’s trying to drive a wedge between them, then should you even be here offering advice?

Cassy92 · 14/02/2023 00:36

Just say 'no, my daughter and I have an open relationship. If she wishes to discuss something with me then I'm not going to tell her no'.

Then go tell your daughter the exact exchange you've had with her Dad.

Original poster
AJ65 · 14/02/2023 00:59

Hadjab · 14/02/2023 00:35

Why are so many posters not able to grasp basic comprehension? OP has not said she wants to read the letter. OP has not said she is going to read the letter. OP has said her weird ex doesn’t want her to read the letter, even if her daughter does want to share the contents with her. If you can’t see how controlling and generally dickish that is, and how he’s trying to drive a wedge between them, then should you even be here offering advice?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
AJ65 · 14/02/2023 01:02

Thanks to all who understood my issue and responded.

I told him it was up to him what he wanted to share with her and up to her to share what she wants with me. I told my daughter about this exchange and now she's [only jokingly] mad at me because she wants to know what he was going to write.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 14/02/2023 01:04

I would have said "sure" then hoped she'd show me because I really know what his big secret is now! I couldn't care less about breaking his trust.

SkankingWombat · 14/02/2023 01:13

"I am under no obligation to promise anything to you. My priorities have always been my daughter's well-being and maintaining an open relationship. Whilst I have no intention or desire to read her mail univited, she knows I am always available to discuss any topic she wants to bring to me. You are, of course, free to send her a letter, but it is entirely her choice what she does with it once received. To suggest anything else is controlling and, frankly, bizarre."

Then, as the PP suggested, I would be warning your DD that her F may send her a letter. I'd tell her that he has insisted you promise not to read it. Stress this is extremely controlling and not his decision to make. Explain you do not need to know what is in the letter, the choice is entirely hers to share or not. You both respect her privacy but will always be there to listen or help as needed, as are X,Y,Z family/family friends if she needs a more impartial ear/voice.
I have been the daughter with a controlling and manipulative F. Luckily, I also had a DM who stood up to him, protected me as much as she could during childhood, and was there to help me learn to negotiate the relationship and listen when it went wrong during the teen years. By my 20s, I was well versed in his tactics and able to protect myself as necessary. I never got over the instant panicked stomach flipping vomit-y feeling of receiving an unexpected letter or email out of the blue after a long stretch of no contact though (because it always spelled a complicated dance through emotional blackmail, guilting, and crafty subtle manipulation).

SkankingWombat · 14/02/2023 01:16

AJ65 · 14/02/2023 01:02

Thanks to all who understood my issue and responded.

I told him it was up to him what he wanted to share with her and up to her to share what she wants with me. I told my daughter about this exchange and now she's [only jokingly] mad at me because she wants to know what he was going to write.

I'm a slow typer! Good responses all round from your house (although I'm sure he won't be happy 🙄 Meh!).

Itisbetter · 14/02/2023 01:46

I’d have been tempted to say it’s really unlikely she’ll be that interested….but your response is what I’d really have said. Honestly what a self absorbed prick he sounds.

WandaWonder · 14/02/2023 01:49

It's up to your daughter you don't own her privacy

MissMogwai · 14/02/2023 03:39

midlifecrash · 14/02/2023 00:18

He doesn’t want to write to her but he wants it to be your fault

This.

So in the future he can spout:
"I would have written to you, but your mum wouldn't promise not to read it. So it's all her fault I've not been in touch"

What a self serving arsehole.

JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 04:43

What?! He can ask your daughter not to share it but he can't ask you not to read it. Once he's handed over his letter to her it's hers. Why is he even discussing it with you? If he wants a relationship with his daughter let them work it out.
Don't get drawn into a conversation about whether you should/shouldn't see it...bounce it back to him and tell him it's between him and her. Just don't get involved.

Btw- If I was the daughter in this situation I probably wouldn't share with you..and definitely not if you asked.