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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex Husband Wants to Write to Daughter but only if I Won't Read

122 replies

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:15

So, long story short, my ex husband has made virtually no effort to maintain contact with our daugher since we separted 15 months ago and hasn't even texted her since November. He didn't send anything for her 16th birthday, sent her some cash via my account for Christmas and now wants to write to her on her 17th birthday, but only if I'll assure him that I won't read what he's written if duaghter wants to share.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:
DuckSurpriseFace · 14/02/2023 04:49

Write him a card with 'Do not open' on the envelope (put whatever you like inside!).

JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 04:52

JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 04:43

What?! He can ask your daughter not to share it but he can't ask you not to read it. Once he's handed over his letter to her it's hers. Why is he even discussing it with you? If he wants a relationship with his daughter let them work it out.
Don't get drawn into a conversation about whether you should/shouldn't see it...bounce it back to him and tell him it's between him and her. Just don't get involved.

Btw- If I was the daughter in this situation I probably wouldn't share with you..and definitely not if you asked.

Apologies, just read further. I think you responded wisely. You've firmly put the responsibility back on him.
I get you don't wanna nose into your daughter's business but you don't want her emotionally manipulated.
I guess it depends if privacy is something he's requesting or is a condition? I don't really think he's in a good negotiating position is he!

3487642l · 14/02/2023 05:16

Hi OP, your initial post was clear! I agree with pps who said he is trying to hook you in and set up a situation where he can blame you. It sounds highly manipulative and controlling since his request is trying to meddle in your relationship with your daughter!

Have you considered going no-contact with him to avoid the drama he creates? I'd say 17 is old enough for a child to manage their relationship with a parent directly and since she shares things you can support her when she wants to talk things through.

AgentJohnson · 14/02/2023 05:25

Urgh, his twattery is taking up too much space in your head. Ignore him, don’t waste time trying to figure out the logic of a wanker.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/02/2023 06:01

Just let him crack on and write what he pleases. Your DD sounds like she has a good idea of what a knobhead he is and will deal appropriately with any letter he send her.

Whatineed · 14/02/2023 06:11

AJ65 · 13/02/2023 23:20

He expects her to share whatever he writes with me, that's why he's asking that I refuse if offered.

So his wishes are more important than your daughters? He deserves nothing from either of you.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 14/02/2023 06:26

Do not reply to him. He has no right to interfere in the relationship between you and your daughter. The fact that he's made such a request waves a huge red flag that he wants to write something highly suspect to your daughter. In fact, you might consider telling your daughter that he's made such a request, and that it's ok for her to share with you if she wishes (as he may well tell her "Don't tell your mum."

Mumdiva99 · 14/02/2023 06:28

He wants to blame you for lack of contact.

What an arse.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/02/2023 06:31

Either he wants to guarantee you read it, or something financial?

Heard of a dad who never paid maintenance, went to great lengths to hide a large inheritance - and then gifted DC a property.

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/02/2023 06:45

@WandaWonder for heaven's sake, read the op.

Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 06:45

Oh my god, what an utter psychopath! He ACTUALLY believes he has the power to make you promise that? It must be so exhausting to think you control so many people’s thoughts and actions (and care that much about it…) I would have asked DD what she wanted me to do and then told him, “Oh, I had my fingers crossed when I sent that text, so it didn’t count.”

KangarooKenny · 14/02/2023 06:46

I would be very concerned about this.

PoseyFlump · 14/02/2023 07:01

AJ65 · 14/02/2023 01:02

Thanks to all who understood my issue and responded.

I told him it was up to him what he wanted to share with her and up to her to share what she wants with me. I told my daughter about this exchange and now she's [only jokingly] mad at me because she wants to know what he was going to write.

Well handled. It was obvious to some of us at least what his game was.

WhineWhineWINE · 14/02/2023 07:05

Just tell him what he wants to hear and then do whatever you and DD want regardless. Doesn't sound like you owe him anything after he's absented himself for so long.

BlackFriday · 14/02/2023 07:11

Ignore him.
If he persists, just say that you had assumed he was joking (as it's such a batshit request). Treat it (and him) with the slightly bored disinterest it deserves.
And if he still persists, you can either a) use one of the excellent responses on here,
b) say "whatever you weirdo or
c) block him.

rexythedinosaur · 14/02/2023 07:13

Very weird situation.

He's trying to manipulate you into carrying some responsibility about whether he has contact with his daughter.

If you say no, he can later say 'It's your mum's fault I didn't contact you because she wanted to snoop at any letters I sent!'

Presumably he has her phone number and could contact her privately if he wanted to.

So I think with this you need to give as little response as possible, and just keep a record of it for your daughter in case she ever asks.

I would say something like 'If you'd like to write a letter to X on her birthday that is your business. I do not read X's post however if she decides to share it with me then I won't censor her from doing so.'

Then screenshot that message and save it, so that if it comes up later you can show your daughter exactly what you said.

liveforsummer · 14/02/2023 07:20

Well you don't owe him anything by the sound of it so don't worry about lying to him. Tell him whatever you want based on what your daughter wishes? Does she want him to write? Then lie to him and say you won't read it. If she wants you to though then do? If she doesn't want him to write tell him you can't promise not to if she asks and presumably he won't. Strange that posters are jumping on you - clearly haven't read your question properly

Summerfun54321 · 14/02/2023 07:25

It's not your decision to make if DD tells you. What is he expecting you to do? Put your hands over your ears and shout la la la la if she tries to tell you! This is really between him and your DD, who she tells is her decision. If I were you I would just smile and nod and agree with him and just find out what he's written. He lost the right to respect and demands a long time ago it sounds like.

liveforsummer · 14/02/2023 07:30

Sorry, just seen your update - I do think you should have discussed it with your dd before responding to him, especially at her age.

MrsReeves · 14/02/2023 07:31

  • *Sorry cat is trying to sit on my face

This is the best thing I've ever read on mumsnet Grin

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 07:33

She's 17, yes I think he should be able to contact her without you reading it

xJoy · 14/02/2023 07:34

.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/02/2023 07:34

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 07:33

She's 17, yes I think he should be able to contact her without you reading it

It’s not about the OP reading it. It’s about him demanding she say no if her DD wants to tell her / discuss what he says with her.

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/02/2023 07:36

Don't get sucked In to this. Just reply "yep no worries" or a thumbs up . Don't mention it to your daughter so that she isn't disappointed when he inevitably doesn't write. Leave it up to your daughter what she does, if a letter does appear. Don't ask about it or appear too interested, it's really not your business. She's probably more likely to tell you about it than ask you to read it but either way your job is to remain neutral, not to get involved in their relationship and certainly not to say anything negative about him. She's at a vulnerable age and if you make things worse between them it will negatively affect your future relationship too. It's not in her interests to have a crap father and if she feels that way it inevitably affects her self esteem. So have a (completely justified) rant to a trusted friend instead.

Thegrassaintgreener · 14/02/2023 07:36

Will he really write to her? Given his lack of effort to date, I doubt he'd actually get around to it