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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed that DH eats things and doesn't tell me?

118 replies

QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 12:54

I realise the title of this thread makes me sound a little insane, so please let me clarify.
DH has a seemingly endless appetite, always has done. I have no issue with this, I have no issue with him eating anything he wants, however it annoys me that often times he will eat something without checking if I had plans for it, not tell me he has eaten it, and not mention it when I ask him whether there is anything I need to add to the food shopping list.
eg . - yesterday eating a large bar of chocolate I had plans to use in baking with DD today. Didn't mention it, didn't say I needed to buy it in the groceries yesterday afternoon, so now shopping is done and I didn't know he had eaten it until I checked the cupboard this morning. So no baking, or a trip to the shop.

This happens regularly, and not just with sweet stuff. It can be ingredients I planned to use in specific meals, or a treat I bought myself. I always ask him if there is anything he wants from the shops, and am happy to buy him anything he wants. I have no objection to him eating anything if he tells me, adds it to the shopping list or replaces it either. It is the not knowing that drives me mad!!

Should add, am also quite heavily pregnant so having spent 20 mins searching low cupboards for the aforementioned chocolate this morning this morning (all the while he denied all knowledge of its whereabouts!) may have added to my grumpiness!

Should also add before the LTB brigade arrive, he is otherwise a wonderful husband, helpful, loving, an excellent parent, an equal contributor to the house/jobs and I love him very much.

OP posts:
Suprima · 13/02/2023 12:59

Ofc YANBU.

but I mean, if you have told him repeatedly to check that the stuff in the cupboards hasn’t been earmarked for baking/a meal that evening and he still isn’t listening to you….is that really ‘wonderful’ behaviour?

what do you want people to tell you?

maybe get him a snack box like he’s a giant toddler?

Notaboutyouthistime · 13/02/2023 12:59

Why did he lie?

Original poster
QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:00

I have no idea, he claims he doesn't remember eating it.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:02

Suprima · 13/02/2023 12:59

Ofc YANBU.

but I mean, if you have told him repeatedly to check that the stuff in the cupboards hasn’t been earmarked for baking/a meal that evening and he still isn’t listening to you….is that really ‘wonderful’ behaviour?

what do you want people to tell you?

maybe get him a snack box like he’s a giant toddler?

I did say "otherwise" he is wonderful. I recognise this particular trait is not one of his best 😂A snack box might not be the worst idea!

OP posts:
Notaboutyouthistime · 13/02/2023 13:03

QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:00

I have no idea, he claims he doesn't remember eating it.

How strange. I don't know that I entirely believe him.

MavisFlump · 13/02/2023 13:03

Mine with eat all but a teaspoon of something so he can claim’I didn’t eat all of it’ 🤬
Thoughtless and greedy comes to mind.

Mindymomo · 13/02/2023 13:04

I have the same problem but with adult Son, I agree it’s really annoying when you go to cook something and ingredients are missing.

amylou8 · 13/02/2023 13:05

YANBU, it would drive me mad. Get a Sharpie and mark everything you have plans for with a big cross.

MarieRoseMarie · 13/02/2023 13:05

Put all the baking stuff in a specific cupboard. Put special things in a specific part of the fridge.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2023 13:06

He 'doesn't remember eating it?' Bullshit.

But on the other hand, you sound really controlling. What if you fancied a bag of crisps or a biscuit something. Would you need his permission?

EdHelpPls · 13/02/2023 13:06

Lying about the chocolate bar is shit.
If I have a plan for something I either write on it with Sharpie (for the likes of the chocolate bar, or cookies) A large X is enough.
For main meals I box the meal ingredients together in fridge so it's clear it's not "available" for snacking.
I have a shelf of food that's just for packed lunches. Anything left by Friday afternoon is fair game til next grocery delivery on Sunday.

I dont think my family, especially a teen or adult, should have to check with me before eating in their own home.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 13:06

QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:00

I have no idea, he claims he doesn't remember eating it.

Well that’s an exceptional level of amnesia if he can’t remember taking a large bar of chocolate and eating the entire bar 🤨
My son used to do this. The only way I could protect food that was earmarked for a specific recipe was to hide it. Chocolate went in the salad drawer behind the cabbage, because he’d never look there. Other good hiding places were the box of icing and piping nozzles, and a non-food cupboard behind the tea towels!

LemonSwan · 13/02/2023 13:07

I was going to say Yabu but denying he’s eaten it whilst watching you go on a fruitless search. Absolutely ridiculous!

I would go nuclear and ban him from all food bar breakfast and main meal. Tell him to shop for his own lunch and snacks.

TibetanTerrah · 13/02/2023 13:07

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2023 13:06

He 'doesn't remember eating it?' Bullshit.

But on the other hand, you sound really controlling. What if you fancied a bag of crisps or a biscuit something. Would you need his permission?

Does she? Where?

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 13:07

Why are you solely responsible for meal planning and shopping?

If eats something make him replace it

OnlyFannys · 13/02/2023 13:09

OP doesnt sound controlling she hasnt said anywhere he cant eat things her issue is that he doesnt let her know when he has eaten something she bought for a specific purpose, this would drive anyone mad especially when they are searching for it and they still dont tell her

Whyisitsososohard · 13/02/2023 13:09

Oh that's annoying! I feel like it's pretty selfish, especially as it seems the meal planning and shopping fall to you. Perhaps he needs to nly eat designated snack food? Or get into more of a routine of adding items he's eaten to a communal shopping list. Make the labour on him not you.

It also sounds like he could be a bit ashamed he's eaten stuff if he's not owning up.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 13/02/2023 13:11

Is he confrontation avoidant, so denying it because he knows you're annoyed? That's the only weird bit to me.

In my house everything is up for grabs unless I say 'don't touch that I need it for xyz' so the reverse of what you want. I don't meal plan because my cooking style is daily 'ready steady cook' style, so unless my DS had food tech ingredients or in planning on baking it's fine to eat anything. In my house someone eating the wrong thing would say 'why didn't you tell me it was off limits?'

In my sister's house she meal plans to the last crumb (we're very different personalities) and you can't touchanything without checking first.

So I think you just need some house ground rules and what the default setting is, so to speak. And if a box for safe items works why not. 😁

Ofbollocks · 13/02/2023 13:11

On Sunday I was cooking beef for everybody. While it was resting I took my miniature veggie sausage rolls out of the oven to cool. When I came back 2 minutes later, all the veggie sausage rolls had gone, except I live with a pack of wolves. You need to hide things op.

Original poster
QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:11

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 13:07

Why are you solely responsible for meal planning and shopping?

If eats something make him replace it

That is just our division of labour within our household. He does other jobs that I don't do. That is the thing, I wouldn't mind him eating anything he likes, if he replaced it or even just mentioned that it needed replacing when I was doing the food shop.

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 13/02/2023 13:11

We have a snack drawer. I think something like that would be better, so he knows what's safe to eat without having to ask.

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 13:12

So have you told him to go now and replace the chocolate he doesn't remember eating?

jtaeapa · 13/02/2023 13:13

I suppose if he is not otherwise a twat, that you could keep bigger stocks of stuff he is prone to eating.

or have a couple of plastic boxes in your fridge that are designated ingredients and so he’s not allowed to pick from those boxes ever

Original poster
QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 13:14

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 13/02/2023 13:11

Is he confrontation avoidant, so denying it because he knows you're annoyed? That's the only weird bit to me.

In my house everything is up for grabs unless I say 'don't touch that I need it for xyz' so the reverse of what you want. I don't meal plan because my cooking style is daily 'ready steady cook' style, so unless my DS had food tech ingredients or in planning on baking it's fine to eat anything. In my house someone eating the wrong thing would say 'why didn't you tell me it was off limits?'

In my sister's house she meal plans to the last crumb (we're very different personalities) and you can't touchanything without checking first.

So I think you just need some house ground rules and what the default setting is, so to speak. And if a box for safe items works why not. 😁

Thanks, this is really helpful. He is extremely confrontation avoidant and naturally quite a defensive person, so yes, that may well be the cause. Also I do think he probably is a mindless snacker. So those 2 things combined are a nightmare for the food shopping person! I also think you may be right, we just need to be clearer on the expectations so he can eat freely and I can not spend time hunting!!

OP posts:
Tallisker · 13/02/2023 13:14

We have a board where we write down anything that gets used and needs replacing. My DH doesn't always write things on it which hacks me off. He also goes through the cupboards and chucks stuff out if he thinks it's out of date, forgetting that I decant things (like I keep the lovely little bicarb tins and fill them up) so when it come to cooking something unusual my store cupboard has been depleted.

Also, he will wipe the board when tidying up so stuff never gets replaced.

I think I want to live on my own.

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