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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed that DH eats things and doesn't tell me?

118 replies

QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 12:54

I realise the title of this thread makes me sound a little insane, so please let me clarify.
DH has a seemingly endless appetite, always has done. I have no issue with this, I have no issue with him eating anything he wants, however it annoys me that often times he will eat something without checking if I had plans for it, not tell me he has eaten it, and not mention it when I ask him whether there is anything I need to add to the food shopping list.
eg . - yesterday eating a large bar of chocolate I had plans to use in baking with DD today. Didn't mention it, didn't say I needed to buy it in the groceries yesterday afternoon, so now shopping is done and I didn't know he had eaten it until I checked the cupboard this morning. So no baking, or a trip to the shop.

This happens regularly, and not just with sweet stuff. It can be ingredients I planned to use in specific meals, or a treat I bought myself. I always ask him if there is anything he wants from the shops, and am happy to buy him anything he wants. I have no objection to him eating anything if he tells me, adds it to the shopping list or replaces it either. It is the not knowing that drives me mad!!

Should add, am also quite heavily pregnant so having spent 20 mins searching low cupboards for the aforementioned chocolate this morning this morning (all the while he denied all knowledge of its whereabouts!) may have added to my grumpiness!

Should also add before the LTB brigade arrive, he is otherwise a wonderful husband, helpful, loving, an excellent parent, an equal contributor to the house/jobs and I love him very much.

OP posts:
Wobblytrees · 13/02/2023 15:05

My DH does this including the stuff for the kids packed lunches. He also uses shit up the doesn’t tell me or add to shopping list.

I do the shopping list/meal plan every week and ask him to check if anything should be added to it. Invariably the only thing he adds is “crisps” which he eats within 2 minutes of me getting through the door.

Yesterday he was doing a roast and was like “have we not got any veg”? I said “it wasn’t on the list” but he can’t seem to grasp this was his doing (as he had suggested roast so was tasked with writing down the ingredients), not mine.

it drives me fucking insane and at times I want to stab him

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 15:07

@Wobblytrees

So stop doing the shopping

Wobblytrees · 13/02/2023 15:12

@Botw1 if I don’t he will spend a fortune putting crap in the trolley and not looking for best deals and we are saving hard for renovations

Andsoforth · 13/02/2023 15:14

I’d guess that your dh might have a slightly weird or difficult history with food, or might have been shamed for his habits as a teen? Sometimes just bringing these things out into the open can help.

I would keep something earmarked for baking separate (mostly to stop myself mindlessly snacking on it) and we have a treats basket that is fair game for anyone.

A snack box could be a really great idea, but please don’t take the attitude that he should be treated like a big toddler. It’s a sensible compromise.

Welshmiss38 · 13/02/2023 15:15

My DP has a big box of “snacks” so all his stuff goes in there.. otherwise he will eat parts of meals or anything and everything!

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 15:17

@Wobblytrees

So give him the amount he can spend in cash

Why are so many women putting up with such disrespectful ohs and pandering to them behaving like toddlers?

Eating the kids packed lunches?! That's beyond selfish

ifonly4 · 13/02/2023 15:26

If I particularly want to save something for a treat/part of meal, I just ask DH not to eat it. Other option is to leave a note with anything you'd really appreciate him not eating or squirrel whatever away something else.

summerlovingvibes · 13/02/2023 15:28

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 14:56

@summerlovingvibes

Why do you put up with that?

Because I don't know how to stop it and it's not enough grounds for divorce! Was just sympathising with the OP but it's not about me.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 15:32

We have little plastic snack baskets that are a complete free for all. Plus a bowl of fruit on the counter.

I post a menu of the weeks dinners on the fridge so people can check they are not eating essential ingredients. There is one shelf in the fridge which is a free for all shelf as well..has things like yogurts, carrot sticks, leftovers and suchlike on it.

He shouldn’t have to check with you…but similarly you need a system that communicates which food is free to be taken. It’s good to set this up now as it is 1000% essential once you have teenagers. For them, I even had a free for all freezer drawer with things like frozen pizza and croissants…yes a bit junky but teens are locusts and a midnight pizza they can access and cook is better than coming down and finding all your roast chicken gone on the morning.

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 15:34

@summerlovingvibes

You stop it by making it clear you won't tolerate that level of selfishness.

Stop shopping and make him replace anything he eats

Pasadenadreaming · 13/02/2023 15:35

Mine is the same and it's so annoying. I also do all the meal planning and food shopping and have had exactly the same scenario where I've bought chocolate to bake stuff with DD. As you say it's not so much the eating it's that the problem but not checking whether it's needed for a meal or activity, and not saying when it needs replaced! DD also gets very cross if I've bought something for her for a treat and he gets to it first. I have no advice but will be reading this thread for ideas!

summerlovingvibes · 13/02/2023 15:35

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 15:34

@summerlovingvibes

You stop it by making it clear you won't tolerate that level of selfishness.

Stop shopping and make him replace anything he eats

As I said, I'm just sympathising with OP, I'm not looking or asking for solutions myself, Just saying I understand how she feels as it's bloody irritating!

Botw1 · 13/02/2023 15:37

@summerlovingvibes

I can't understand why you're OK with being treated like that

FinallyHere · 13/02/2023 15:38

What can we do this doesn’t keep happening?

This was one area where DH and I clashed when we moved in together.

I still find it impossible to understand his point of view, which is to expect that some things are used up and work around it.

It drives me MAD that we should have no money worries yet be unable to keep the kitchen stocked, even though yes Alexa keeps our shopping list. I have had to "loose my shit" more than once.

His laid back attitude to lots of things was very attractive when we first got together, so much less so when living together. He is never surprised when we have no stock of something. Sigh

Where we have ended up is that I have made some adjustments, including

Doing the (on-line) shopping together, but also that I check what we have in the fridge and cupboards before finally confirming the order.

Keeping separate his and hers supplies of things we have clashed over, including eg brandy. He drinks a bottle, then won't replace it for ages. I don't often drink brandy but expect to have some in the house on the few occasions each year when I want some. His and hers separate stores are the only way forward.

Making sure his things are close at hand and my supplies are a bit further away. He doesn't search out things and adapts to anything missing so I don't have to keep my supplies very far away at all in order for him to not notice them.

It's not how I expected to live as an adult but here we are.

GeneratedRandomly · 13/02/2023 15:42

Try one of these for the stuff you need to keep for planned recipes:

www.amazon.co.uk/5StarSuperDeals-F-2709908-Fridge-Safe-Locker/dp/B00LPPYOTC

mairerua · 13/02/2023 15:56

chalk board with shopping list

Original poster
QuackMooBaaOink · 13/02/2023 16:04

@Botw1
Most posts on here are helpful, considered and empathetic. You seem, for whatever reason, to be spoiling for an argument or at least implying that everyone on here is some sort of "doormat" who is putting up with it.
I am sure that is not the case. Some of us are just not confrontational in our nature. Also, I know for me personally, it is a minor irritation. But equally this is balanced by the fact my DH is wonderful in many other ways and contributes positively to our living arrangement in many other ways.
I would love to live with someone as clearly flawless as yourself, but unfortunately living with another human being means sometimes compromising, adapting, accepting, and most of all being positive and grateful for their many good qualities, rather than attempting to stamp out any minor imperfections. Pick your battles! Missing snacks is just not a hill I'm willing to die on.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 13/02/2023 16:06

@QuackMooBaaOink

Then why post?

There's a huge difference between compromise and letting someone rip the piss out of you, imo.

But hey, you do you hun.

Mamette · 13/02/2023 16:12

Eating my chocolate and lying about it wouldn’t be my idea of confrontation avoidance.

I’d see it as a throwing down the gauntlet big time.

And yes he would get the row he caused from me, with bells on 😂

Confrontation is avoided by leaving my chocolate tf alone, especially if I’m pregnant 😵‍💫

GerbilsForever24 · 13/02/2023 16:15

Actually, I'd se this as a form of disordered eating. DH has struggled with this as well - a complete inability to NOT eat everything in sight. I mean, arguably, eating a large bar of plain chocolate, one assumes mostly in one sitting, is NOT normal by any stretch of the imagination and suggests that his lie is becuase he's embarrassed about it.

Then on top of that, a complete inability to EVER add something to the Alexa list has caused a LOT of tension in this house.

A big part of sorting it has been a sort of version of the above; Dh and I have come to a system where he understands that certain types of foods are most likely ear marked for things (based on where they are kept and/or what they are) and he'd check with me before eating them. Other foods are fair game but I will be completely unsympathetic if we then run out becuase he didn't put on list. OTHER foods, things that I might also want to eat occasionally (eg like a PP's brandy example) he needs to be at least vaguely considerate about. eg I often buy a bar of lindt chocolate with the shopping. But I'll usually only have a couple of squares once or twice a week. It INFURIATES me if it's all gone. And yes, I've tried buying multiple bars but all that happened was that he ate them all. But he's learnt and now doesn't finish things like that without checking in (and there are a few things that he mostly eats/drinks that I wouldn't finish without checking with him first).

I'm sad to say that key to him learning he had to control himself was DD. On a couple of occasions he ate HER chocolate/treats. The first time, he got all angry and defensive and refused to acknowledge he was in the wrong. But he knew he was. And when he did it again and she was upset, again. Around the same time he had a little midnight feast that meant there wasn't food for her lunch box the next day. He had to start realising he was being a dick, and, I think, that really, he had a problem.

Similarly, DD coming into the kitchen about 2 years ago, aged 5, and saying to me, "mummy, I just put the last toilet roll in the bathroom, shall I put it on Alexa for you to buy" had DH absolutely MORTIFIED that she could do it and he couldn't.

jeaux90 · 13/02/2023 16:18

I have a teen DD and we have a snack drawer and snack shelf in the fridge. Anything in or on those are fair game.

That way I also know when I need to stock up.

C1N1C · 13/02/2023 16:25

This sounds a bit controlling... "check with me before you eat stuff"

Would he have to do that with everything? How is he supposed to know otherwise?

Maybe have a box in the cupboards labelled "baking stuff", so the chocolate isn't taken, otherwise any 'normal' person would consider that fair game... I would!

My wife is the opposite... I do the food shopping and I buy things specifically for her that I know she likes... but she's NOT a snacker, so they often go mouldy. She doesn't raid the cupboards like I would, specifically hunting out the goodies, particularly if they're nearing a use-by date.

DahliaMacNamara · 13/02/2023 16:55

I can actually believe your DH didn't realise he'd eaten all the chocolate. Mine is a bit like that. If there's something to share, like a cake, he'll take a portion that's on the moderate side of respectable. All fine. But over the course of the evening, it will disappear as he takes tiny slivers of it that don't really count in his eyes. He's convinced he only had one slice. But the bloody thing is nearly gone, there's only two of us at home, and I didn't eat it.

samsmum2 · 13/02/2023 17:09

My husband is exactly the same - selfish man child behaviour I'd call it. Mine snacks indiscriminately after I've gone up to bed and will deny it in the morning (like a child backed into a corner). He has also like a pp mentioned, eaten the chocolate chips I had in with the cake making stuff, and will eat stuff to excess (crisps/cheese/cold meat). It pisses me off no end and think it must be a throwback to some sort of denial in childhood, and they lying is part of the shame. It does my head in, but having a 'snack drawer' feels very a very childish solution.

forwhatitsworth22 · 13/02/2023 17:19

My dh is the same, he just mindlessly eats, he works out a lot so when he's home he constantly eats. I've gone to bake and ingredients have been eaten, it's frustrating so now I just tell him that a certain thing is for something and not to eat it. I also created a shelf where anything on it is a free for all but he has to buy things for us all to eat and to go on the shelf