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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

526 replies

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 12:46

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

OP posts:
niugboo · 13/02/2023 14:28

An age to you know what? Have a wank at grans? Don’t be to ridiculous.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:28

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/02/2023 14:15

I think this kind of excessive reaction is why people are saying that the OP is BU. Two kids in the same family sharing sheets isn't a big enough deal to let a 12 year old go no contact with his grandparents.

None of this is going to damage the children in any way and they will just have to suck it up or ask their Dad to change the sheets. If they don't want to do that, then they know it's no big deal but are saying what they know will please the OP.

Show quote history

This really isn't the case.

He did actually take them on holiday for four days last year, and I was absolutely delighted that they got a trip. This is different. This is basic hygiene, and also I do think he has his priorities wrong.

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 13/02/2023 14:29

I would always change sheets for different people and I know my parents always do for us and children when we have sleepovers. I'm surprised your son is that bothered though tbh to report it to you, didn't think hygiene was high on their priorities at that age.

verdantverdure · 13/02/2023 14:29

I wouldn't blame your kids if they didn't want to go again tbh.

None of that is acceptable to me

Buenosfairies211 · 13/02/2023 14:29

Sorry op, I think you are feeling hurt, but you need to step back a bit. Take the time when your dc are away to focus on yourself: do some exercise, eat well, rest and enjoy some “me” time.

Tricyrtis2022 · 13/02/2023 14:30

YANBU. I cannot tolerate being in a bed where the sheets haven't been changed as I can smell the previous occupant and don't sleep.

Some years ago we stayed with friends and they said 'Oh, X and Y slept in that bed for a few nights, you don't mind, do you?'. I said 'Yes, actually I do mind' and thankfully clean bedding was put on.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:30

Mumofthreeandadog · 13/02/2023 14:27

The sheets thing is pretty yuk tbh. The only time I’d possibly even think of that is if they were siblings. Could your son or daughter ring or message the dad to ask if he would mind picking up an air bed whilst he’s in the city for your daughter to sleep in for the next few nights. You can grab them pretty cheaply from Argos or similar. Failing that id tell her to take the cushions off the sofa and lay them on the floor to sleep on. Being uncomfortable at nighttime is miserable however I don’t think the girlfriend should have to sleep on jt.

Gf is leaving tonight. So dd can go in the bed, but again, the sheets won't be clean.

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 13/02/2023 14:31

Trinidading3 · 13/02/2023 14:26

Invest in an inflatable mattress (cheap and comfortable) when they go over pack them clean sheets and pillows ....problem solved...kids will be happier....

So the children can blow up their own air mattress and make their own beds?

butterfliedtwo · 13/02/2023 14:31

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:08

He's not going to abuse his sister, if that's what you're getting at. She's more likely to be abused by her grandfather, alone on the ground floor on the sofa.

Show quote history

WTF.

For what it's worth, I would have changed the sheets. But they're not in your care right now. You can't control everything.

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/02/2023 14:31

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:28

This really isn't the case.

He did actually take them on holiday for four days last year, and I was absolutely delighted that they got a trip. This is different. This is basic hygiene, and also I do think he has his priorities wrong.

Show quote history

If it was really that much of an issue, they'd bring it up with their Dad and insist he fix it. Since they apparently haven't, it clearly isn't even that big a deal to them and they can manage it. You have to stop encouraging them to take all their petty moans to you and deal with their father if it's important enough. If it's not important enough to harangue their Dad about, they don't care enough about it for it to be a real problem.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:32

Buenosfairies211 · 13/02/2023 14:29

Sorry op, I think you are feeling hurt, but you need to step back a bit. Take the time when your dc are away to focus on yourself: do some exercise, eat well, rest and enjoy some “me” time.

Thank you. I'm doing lots of me things. Gym later, has a spa, too. I'm good. Just sad hearing m kids upset, and I just don't rate ex or his parents at caring for them. I feel helpless. My kids are not happy.

OP posts:
pink1173 · 13/02/2023 14:32

This is the craziest thread ever! Op you are not being unreasonable. Yes the kids should have somewhere clean and comfy to sleep and be having fun on their holidays. There are so many goady people on here.

verdantverdure · 13/02/2023 14:32

Clean sheets when you have someone to stay are a basic minimum standard. That's why you don't sleep in last night's occupants sheets in hotels.

maddy68 · 13/02/2023 14:33

Trinidading3 · 13/02/2023 14:26

Invest in an inflatable mattress (cheap and comfortable) when they go over pack them clean sheets and pillows ....problem solved...kids will be happier....

This. They are only a tenner they can take sleeping bags. Make more of a camping adventure of it

Tireddoggymum · 13/02/2023 14:33

I wouldn’t change sheets after a child slept in a bed for one night.

I genuinely don’t understand the problem. Most teenagers wouldn’t notice or care .
Also why is it the grandmother who is expected to change the sheets ?

toomuchlaundry · 13/02/2023 14:34

How often do you clean your own bedding?

Can DS turn the duvet and pillows over?

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:34

StephanieSuperpowers · 13/02/2023 14:31

If it was really that much of an issue, they'd bring it up with their Dad and insist he fix it. Since they apparently haven't, it clearly isn't even that big a deal to them and they can manage it. You have to stop encouraging them to take all their petty moans to you and deal with their father if it's important enough. If it's not important enough to harangue their Dad about, they don't care enough about it for it to be a real problem.

Show quote history

He isn't there. He's not as approachable as me. He doesn't care about the things my kids want. He's very much do as he pleases, and the kids have to tag along. They sadly know not to bother.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 13/02/2023 14:34

Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:30

Gf is leaving tonight. So dd can go in the bed, but again, the sheets won't be clean.

Show quote history

Oh well, at least she won't have a bad back.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:34

toomuchlaundry · 13/02/2023 14:34

How often do you clean your own bedding?

Can DS turn the duvet and pillows over?

Weekly. But I'm in my own germs. No way would I want to sleep in someone else's.

OP posts:
rockpoolingtogether · 13/02/2023 14:35

StopFeckingFaffing · 13/02/2023 12:50

YABU - sheets that have been slept in for a couple of nights by another child is not something I could get myself worked up about tbh

I'd agree if it was an emergency but this attitude seems to say that dad can't really be arsed about his kids and is lazy in his approach.

Cancersurvivor · 13/02/2023 14:35

Why are your children calling you to tell you all this, that not right. So every time they are not happy with anything they pick up the phone to grumble to mum. You need to speak to the children and make them understand not everyone lives is a fortunate as theres. You don't get what you want all the time.

Lavenderflower · 13/02/2023 14:36

I cannot believe the comments in this thread - since when has it been acceptable to to provide dirty sheet for your guest.

Original poster
Dirrrty · 13/02/2023 14:36

maddy68 · 13/02/2023 14:33

This. They are only a tenner they can take sleeping bags. Make more of a camping adventure of it

Show quote history

I have great camp mattresses. But ex took the train, and would not take them. Not that I offered, as I knew he couldn't manage camp mattresses as well as the suitcase.

OP posts:
Tanith · 13/02/2023 14:37

Remember it's half term and a good few voting and responding on this thread probably aren't mothers.

Of course it's disgusting not to change the sheets. It's unwelcoming for your children, too. Whatever happened to the expectation that children should have their own bedroom in both homes?

Your children will refuse to stay with their dad if this is the sort of thing they're expected to put up with, and I can't say I blame them.

afinishedkiss · 13/02/2023 14:37

Much ado about absolutely jack shit. Ridiculous hand wringing over sheets. I cannot imagine any 15 year old boy getting upset over sheets. Someone has obviously given him a hang up about cleanliness.