Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

Is there anywhere fun nearby that you can trust your 12yo to go with the 7yo?

I just don't rate ex or his parents at caring for them. I feel helpless. My kids are not happy

Step back, OP. The children are safe, fed and with their father and grandparents. Maybe you'd do things differently, but this is your ex-husband's time with the children, and you can't interfere just because they tell you they're bored.

I hardly call clean sheets leading an excessively fortunate life.
They sadly know all too well that we don't get what we want all the time. Clean sheets, imo, should be standard.

My kids call me when they want. Imo, that's a great relationship. I will always be there for them to sound off, until I'm dead.

It’s hardly the end of the world when the bed has only been slept in for one night by a cousin. I feel you are letting your feelings towards your ex dictate how you feel about this. If they were staying with a much loved family member who you liked I imagine it would be far less of an issue. How you respond to issues like this important as your children are taking it all in. Even if he isn’t ideal, you want to facilitate a positive relationship between your children and their Dad and their Grandparents. You may not agree with the way they are doing things but it doesn’t sound like there’s any risk to them. When they are older they’ll remember our you used situations like this to put their Dad and his family down.

Not that they can get to by themselves.

Just heard from ds again. They were going to go to the cousins house, just about to get in the car. No car seat for dd7. Apparently the grandparents thought this was fine. They've known for weeks that my children will be visiting. She was about to drive without a car seat. She is a tiny 7yo, no way legal to be without a car seat.

I'm absolutely gutted they wanted to risk this. Idiots. An hour, motorways, no car seat. I'm fuming.

DS told them it was illegal, so now they aren't going. Ex-mil is not what I'd class as a safe driver. Fil even worse. I think he might have stopped driving now.

As a guest, I definitely would not care if bedding had not been completely washed after one nights' use by another person, or even 2 or 3 nights.

We used to wash our guest bedding religiously after every guest, even if they'd only stayed one night, until both my own mum and my MIL (our two most frequent overnight guests) absolutely insisted several times that they really didn't want us to as they don't mind at all and they don't want to give us extra work, so now we don't bother for them, unless they've stayed a week or something.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with asking a child to sleep on a sofa. If it's too uncomfortable then fair enough, but it sounds like they didn't know it would be uncomfortable until halfway through the first night anyway.

And in any case, (speaking as the child of divorced parents) I really think it is very healthy to practice remembering that when your kids are with their other parents, they are his responsibility. Any gripes they have, they bring up with him, and if he doesn't resolve them to their satisfaction, well then that's on him too. It's not your job to micromanage his parenting, as long as they are safe and fed. There will be one of two outcomes: either they'll grow up thinking "god dad was a selfish prick, I hated staying with him", or they'll look back and think "meh, those bedding arrangements were a bit of a pain, weren't they, but oh well, we still enjoyed staying with gran and grandad and we enjoyed staying with dad for other reasons". Either way, not your concern.

Not at all. I really do wish them to have good relationships with their father and his family, not least because I am an only child and both my parents are long gone. So I have no family on my side.

I just want clean sheets and a comfortable bed for them when they visit.

I've got a 15 year old. His sheets smell like vinegar after about 48 hours.

Do let me know when you'd like to come and sleep in his bed. I won't need to warm it with a hot water bottle, the bacterial activity in there keeps it warm.

He doesn't have eczema or dandruff or acne but I can't make any promises on the wanking.

Sheet change is Saturdays so make it any other night to get the full effect.

The language the OP uses about people is revealing

The children have been 'dumped', the gran is 'fannying around' (although also doing nothing), and her own mother was apparently 'repulsed' by OP's fathers hygiene standards

The messages she is giving her children about how she sees people around her is a bit concerning. Very denigrating of everyone and everything

That's their choice though. They suggested it.

My children would choose clean sheets.

They absolutely know how uncomfortable that sofa is. Please see the photo upthread. It is not suitable for sleeping on.

Do you expect them to buy a car seat?

I'm with you on this OP. And reinforced by the memory of spending one night with distant family, coming down with scabies afterwards and then discovering from MIL that they'd been passing it round amongst themselves for weeks before, and hadn't bothered to change the sheets for us because the child who'd slept in the bed last had only slept in them for two nights before our arrival.

I guess it's their relationship with their grandparents in the grandparents house.
I'd also not be going overboard on the colluding with them 'against' your Ex's family.

Your kids share 50% of DNA with your Ex.
Whether you like it or not, that's your children's family too.

I wouldn't be in the least bothered about the sheets thing.
His cousin is 'family'.
You are really presuming awful things about your children's cousin.

For you children's sake, I'd be trying to keep your opinions neutral and not belittling your Ex's family. Your kids will come to their own conclusions and make their own minds up. And then make that known to their Dad.

Amazon might be your friend here, depending on where they are. Personally I'd be buying an airbed, some clean sheets and some treats and have them delivered to the grandparents' house. If their father wasn't providing my children with the basics, I'd do it myself. Sod it if anyone takes offence.

I'd also buy a suitable car seat, have it sent there next day delivery and send him the bill.

Didn't use that language when talking with my children. Just here. It is what it is. Those words are accurate. Ex didn't think oh, I'll give my kids quality time with their GPs. He would have thought great, granny can look after them, I'll show my gf a good day out without having to deal with my own kids, who I barely see.

Ex-mil is a faffer. I know exactly what she's doing.

I also know that if her other GC were there, she'd be paying them attention.

I'm with you, always fresh sheets for a new guest.

Children with their head burrowed in their tablets or their phones while they furiously text mum about how miserable they are are rude. Grandparents are probably thinking to themselves that they are difficult to engage. If the kids were out of their tablets for 5 mins they can do stuff with them while they are fannying around.

That’s good to hear, I completely empathise with your frustration. I know how hard co parenting can be especially when your ex falls short of what you’d like for your kids. It good to have a rant about things but I think the way you respond to your children can really shape the way they feel about things. A quick I understand you would have liked clean sheets but it’s only a night and your Grandparents have lots of extra things to do this week, isn’t it lovely that you’re able to stay can leave the kids feeling much more positive than them hearing that you’re annoyed which makes them feel more justified and fed up. The sheets may not be completely ideal but I can understand them feeling this is something that’s ok when they have a house full and are used to it being just the two of them.

Not a bad idea.

No way would he refund me though.

What @thecatsthecats said! Children don't need to be entertained every minute of every day by adults. They are allowed to be bored. Learning that sometimes you have to watch/do stuff other people want and not always think of your own needs/ wants is a valuable life lesson.
If my dd asked her dg (my mum) to wash her sheets she'd think it hilarious! A)because kids are rarely that fussy and B)it's cheeky AF to ask such a thing

When I first read the thread title I was expecting the story to involve bedding that hasn't been changed for months and was a possible SS case of neglect! I get that there's history, you don't like your exdh or your ex in-laws but, putting all that aside, it's pretty minor. Clearly your kids are feeling your negative vibes and feeding off them, hence the "wash my bedding" demand.

Have you heard of empathy? Or standards? Child welfare? Having a good relationship with your mother?

Honestly, surely this post is some kind of ironic joke I don't get.

Surely nobody thinks that everything would be fiiiine if children would just learn to suffer in silence.

Presumably the grandparents own other sheets, they just won't put them on the bed.

Sending them sheets won't help will it?

Neither will sending air beds that need to be blown up.

A week with me is preferable to them both. I take them places, take their interests into account.

You need to teach your children that they can’t always be taken places and have money spent on them, else you are going to raise very spoilt kids.

I think it’s nice that your ex has gone out with his gf and left the kids with their grandparents who haven’t seen them in months.

I would change the sheets personally but it’s not the end of the world that they haven’t been washed.
My 15 y/o DD vomited all over her bed and I let her sleep in my bed with my unwashed sheets whilst I cleaned hers up.

You seem to have an issue with every single thing and what’s worse is your child is updating you.
It’s fine for him to have a moan to you but I dread to think what your responses to him
are.

Obviously in your eyes the ex or his family can’t do any right.

None of us are perfect parents and I’m sure the ex would have issues with some of your parenting but as long as your DCs aren’t being neglected then it’s up to their dad to deal with them how he wants to.

Surely nobody thinks that everything would be fiiiine if children would just learn to suffer in silence.

It's a bedsheet that a cousin used for one night. This doesn't approach suffering in any sense.

Thank you.

Well, I can't do anything about the sheets. I think it is indicative though of how the GPs feel about my kids. And my kids have picked up on this, long before this situation (favouring of the other GC).