Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

Def think this more about exh and the lack of effort he makes when the gf is about/exh priorities. My exh always has to have a gf, he is a much shitter dad when he has a gf than the odd time he is single, and like you considering he only has the kids eow it drives me mad that he can't put the gf to oneside and focus on the kids the very short amount of time he has them.

But ultimately he is an arse, that's not going to change, and the more I keep out of it the better I feel. I would tell your DCs to talk the their dad if they are not happy and then take a step back on it all. Bedding isn't a big deal, sure it would be nice if it was clean but they are hardly going to come to any harm sleeping in a bed their cousin has previously slept in.

I don’t understand why your ex wanted to take the children with him when as you say he seems to have zero interest in making it a good holiday for them. If the grandparents invited them then I’m sure they would have shown a lot more interest in them. Of course children need downtime for rest, imagination, self efficacy, but not to provide anything for them to do or have outings or games together sounds intensely boring for your children.
i think it’s healthy that they can communicate openly with you and such a shame their dad is so disengaged. Can they have a say in whether they go back in the future, as it doesn’t sound as if they are happy at all.
Used sheets sound horrible too!

Oh OP, that makes me feel so sad to read. My kids would have been very unhappy in the situation you describe. They’re used to being well cared for and being listened to as all children should be. There’s the same age gap and my son would have felt very responsible for his younger sister in this situation, ehh would have found this very hard. I bet you just want to go and get them. 💐

Yeah, we would change sheets for visitors. Any visitors, of any age. And I honestly think that's more normal than not. It's a bit of a thing with me, as in the past we had periods of living in pretty difficult conditions and I would never want guests to feel I didn't value them or look to their needs - however run down or squalid everything else was.
But yes, you do sound angry with ex generally, probably with good cause, 💐and this is obviously just another example of why you can't bear him.
I bet you can't wait to see them at the end of the week!

*she

I would hate to sleep in someone else’s bedding, it’s like wearing their underwear 🤮 How much effort does it really take to wash it?

Is it possible GPs see the way your DC are so "entertained" and have taken the view that they need a few days to "chill"?

Exactly.

Distressing to share children because the hazmat suit failed. Twice.

OP you do not agree with your DP and GP parenting. It is not how I would do it either. But you are divorced, unless it is a major issue you need to leave your children and their father to sort out their own relationship and how he parents.

I'd no problem with the sleeping arrangements.

If it bothers him so much, why doesn't your 12 year old ask his Grandparents if he can change the bed (or at least the sheet) himself.

I don't think it's all such a big deal!

It's complicated. The GP clearly favour the children of their daughters. It's abundantly clear. Of those children, there is a hierarchy, with the daughters being preferred over the sons. My son observed this and commented on it when he was about four or five. Ex saw it too and had a discussion with his parents. Things did improve a bit, but they soon drifted into their habits, and it's just clear that they (especially exMil) have a preference for girls. But even my daughter comes after the boy children of their daughters.
I am not the only inlaw to have noticed this.

The 15yo cousin is actually a girl. I never said boy, people assumed that. She is the first GC for them and hugely favoured. She is there all the time, and my children didn't get any quality time with gp without the one cousin there so whilst my kids would visit, all attention was on the other GC, despite the fact that they saw her very regularly and mine less so. So yes, I withdrew. You can't change them. I can't make them love my kids.

And that's the difference with all these lovely stories of you guys having happy memories just hanging out with your GPs doing nothing. They loved you. You felt loved. My children are feeling ignored and second-best.

At the very least, if they can't love my kids, they can at least give them clean bedding and an actual bed.

Maybe the cousins stay at the ILs regularly and the sheets don’t get washed every visit so they are humming a bit!

Sheets are a non issue. I’d have no issue with my dc sleeping in a bed their cousin or dad had previously slept in.

I wouldn’t in a million years put ds in bed with dd and I have two of those ages. Completely inappropriate imo and a really dodgy position to put ds in.

surely they can get a blow up mattress or pull out bed fairly cheaply?

I’m really shocked by the vote. 😳 How difficult is it to provide clean bedding?! I think it’s absolutely gross and I completely agree with you about everything op. I feel sad for your dc regarding their extended family.

It's disgusting, child or not. Clean bedding should be the bare minimum for anyone coming to spend thenight.

What a miserable time of it for your kids.

None of the issues are a big concern - tbh you sound like a bit of a nightmare ex bitching and trying to control these insignificant things - go and enjoy yourself while the kids are away

Exactly what I do! My adult children stay here when they visit so when they came in November for a family birthday and again for Christmas, they and their partners had to stay in the same rooms so I did not need to change the sheets.

They usually “ fight” to get the dormer bedroom as it has an en-suite but my daughter lost out in both visits as my son got here first in November and took possession! I’ve had to promise it to her next visit!

If she's brought up children who aren't afraid to speak up when they don't feel they're being treated right, then that's to her credit. They'll learn as they grow older what is reasonable and what is not.

Suffering in silence to keep the peace is so passe. It also allowed abuse/neglect to thrive.

Please never take your children camping! They will not be able to cope

Next time, I would ask the kids if they want to visit their grandparents and if they don't then they don't go.

Not nice not changing the sheets or making your dd sleep on the sofa. Nasty people expecially your ex.

Or maybe you should raise your bar.

As a mum, and my partner would feel the same as a dad, if your kids are unhappy, distressed, being ignored, not being cared for properly and you can’t help them, it’s very hard to ‘go and enjoy yourself’.

From some of these replies it’s easy to see that so many kids really aren’t given proper love and attention and people are ok with them being treated like their feelings aren’t important. Knowing how loved my children are by both me and their dad, it makes me very sad to hear so many people normalising this.

Clean bedding is a basic, but I’ve been known to have one grandchild in a bed one night, a different grandchild in the same bed, same bedding a few days later.

To be Frank, I’d me more upset at my son and daughter being forced to share a bed as you suggest to be better, it’s no better. Sometimes it’s just a case of making the best. Sleeping on a sheet his cousin used for one or possibly two nights isn’t exactly cockroach central.

I don't think it's appropriate for a 12 year old boy to be sleeping in the same bed as his sister. 15 year old boys stink. So they should have put clean bedding on.

@AGoldenNarwhal They are being abused, by an overly-entangled relationship with a controlling and vindictive mother.

why should the gf sleep on the sofa?
you are showing your bias