Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

I bet the grandparents side of the story is wholly different.

This is not quality time, this is not making happy memories.

I think that's a recent preoccupation. Making memories probably was never a thing in their lives. In fact, they've probably never heard of it.

DD herself said she wanted to sleep in the bed with him, indeed top and tail. Though her head where the 15yos feet were is not great, is it.

And again, one night or ten nights, it is somebody else's germs, it's not their choice to sleep in somebody else's germs, and it is horrible.

We chill very happily at home, thank you. My kids have time on their own, do their thing, it's all good.
Right now, my kids are not happy, and they feel stuck. No adult is being kind to them. Just ignored.

They do it plenty with their other GC. All similar ages to mine.

This is about sooooo much more than just bedding.

Go on then. What would theirs be like?

This reminded me of so many hours spent watching snooker with my Gran! I had totally forgotten about that! We never once in our whole childhoods 'did' anything with that set of grandparents, watched snooker, watched countdown, stole her smutty mills and boon books and read them behind the sofa, ate awful microwaved sausages. I was still devastated when I was a teen and my Grandad died, then as an adult when my Gran died. I remember one time staying over and I had to sleep in the same bed as my older cousin, she went out, got black out drunk came home and pissed the bed, that was gross! I just got a shower and let her deal with it, I don't think I even told my parents or my gran.

This. You're angry/jealous about the new girlfriend and projecting your feelings onto your children, who are now anxious and looking for reasons to get out of the trip. Time to put your children first and reassure them instead of stirring.

OK, well maybe they are familiar with it as a concept - I was going by my own childhood. My grandparents were similar to what you're describing and quality time/making memories would have been absolutely baffling to them. They weren't bad people but times have changed.

Anyway, now I know you're going to reject this suggestion, but are the parents of the other GCs as hostile to them as you are? I don't think, even if they wanted to, they would be able to get this right from your point of view. You don't like them and you don't want your children around them.

OP, we saw my mother's parents once a year, because they lived 550 miles away.

I do not remember them ever taking us out. I do remember them very, very fondly, though. It was clear that they loved us very much and missed us when we went home.

There was never any expectation that we would be entertained in any way by them.

My father's mother saw us every three months or so, and we looked forward to her visits because she was eccentric and brought us tins of creamed rice as a treat.

She didn't take us out anywhere, either.

We have extremely fond memories of all our GPs. Just BEING with them was enough. Your children sound terribly high-maintenance, difficult to please, and willing to tell tales to you all day long because they know how you'll react.
Is that really how you want to raise your children?

But they are your kids, they lead by your example, tell them it's fine, their cousin is clean. It's not gross. Why would a 7yo even think about germs in a bed in the first place? Whats going to happen to head if it is the same place someone elses feet have been?

YABU. If unwashed bedding is your biggest problem in life you're doing ok in my book 😂
I agree with @Clymene

Well exactly.

This is about the OP's unresolved negativity towards her ex-husband. That's all. It really has bugger all to do with sheets. Or sofas.

I think it is grim to expect people to sleep in bedding used by others, so I am with you, OP. My daughter would have been upset by this as well at 12.

I think your kids are tainted by your views of Grandparents and their Dad and are playing up to you.

No adult is being kind to them

Oh dear. Are they being flogged, or sent down mines?

Thank you. I really appreciate this reply.

You get it.

Yes, all of that. They are disappointed. They thought they'd be seeing loads of their cousins. Now this has changed. Their gp don't seem bothered with them. If their gp really loved them, or saw them regularly, I'd be ok with them being told they had to entertain themselves for the day.
My children also see how the GPs engage when the other GC are there. It's totally different. It's like it's not worth the effort when it's just my two.

But it's possible that the rest of their stay will be like it is today. Ex will probably go see his mates over the next few days too, leaving the kids at the house.

My DD hated the uncomfortable sofa, AND being on the ground floor whilst everyone else was upstairs. She's only little.

My son is the sweetest 12yo I've ever known. There's absolutely no way he'd do a thing to his little sister.

It's 500 miles away. :(

I can't wait to get them back. A treat in store for sure.

💐

He's an arse. He is.

But the bedding is also gross.

My son is the sweetest 12yo I've ever known. There's absolutely no way he'd do a thing to his little sister

Probably true, but you cannot possibly know this for sure.
If your son is the sweetest 12 yo, why is he texting and phoning you all day long with his tedious, whiny complaints?
You should tell him to jog on and stop being so entitled.

I do actually have to go now, and won't be oine for the rest of the evening.

Thank you for the replies.

I have zero jealousy of the new gf.
I do think ex does not prioritise the children.
His parents favour the other GC.
My children deserve clean bedding and a comfortable bed.

We visited my GPs about 4 times a year.

GF would sometimes take us to work with him, he ran a builders yard. Other than that we entertained ourselves while GM and DM did chores, sometimes there would have been baking or the opportunity to help in the garden. If we were there for a whole holiday, we'd visit other family locally and maybe one trip to the park.

So we read or did colouring that we took with us and had the run of the garden. If there'd been a summer house where we were left to our own devices, we'd have thought we were in heaven!

I have very fond memories of that time.

FWIW GPs also had a bit of a revolving door of family visitors. Departing guests stripped their bed, arriving guests remade it.

My children also see how the GPs engage when the other GC are there. It's totally different. It's like it's not worth the effort when it's just my two

How do the GPs get on with the parents of the other grandchildren, out of interest?
Did you get on with those parents when you were still married to your ex?

I think it's disgusting, I wouldn't want to sleep in used sheets and I wouldn't expect my DC to either.

But it's more than just the sheets. It's that your ex doesn't really give a shit. No clean sheets, no real bed for one child and nothing special planned. They'll remember this, it hurts to not feel important.

Curious where you all slept when you were with your ex and visited the ILs

Interesting point.