Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

I personally wouldn't want to sleep on bedding someone else has slept on, no matter if only for one night, so yes I'd find it unreasonable to expect anyone else to.

Lots of things are unsuitable for human beings, but you endure them to be a decent parent. I've sat on a train 7 months pregnant for 3 hours with my lummox of a 5 year old fidgeting on what was left of my lap because he was tired of standing, there were no other seats available and the train was crammed too full for him to sit on the ground. Likewise, I often go without breakfast in the morning because I'm making his packed lunch and trying to feed the baby in between.

Parenting is crammed full of minor discomforts and indignities but most of us still manage to put our kids first.

There is obviously a lot of underlying animosity here that is not necessarily connected to clean sheets/sleeping arrangements - and it has filtered down to the children.

I don't see the issue of sleeping arrangements/bedding as being a major issue of concern, but I wonder why you think it more appropriate for your former partner to sleep on a couch rather than a presumably shorter, lighter child - while his girlfriend is assigned to the spare room. It is probably unwise to, perhaps unconsciously, enlist your children in the grievances you may (probably justifiably) have with your ex partner (though it must be a very difficult situation and I suspect I would probably be similarly vexed about it).

OP this is crappy for you, nobody wants to think their children aren't enjoying themselves especially when they would rather them be with them.

Assuming, as you've said they had a nice holiday with dad last year, today was likely to be the least fun day they have as he's with the girlfriend, hopefully things will improve for the remainder of the trip. Try and positively reassure the children so they don't get in a spiral of finding the negative in everything and hopefully dad has something planned for the remainder of the week and they can enjoy themselves.

You sound so over invested in this situation. Yes it involves your children and the situation is not ideal. But you have to let go what you carn't control.
You can not micromanage the situation when their with their father. I would be saying to my 12 year old. "Not ideal but if it bothers you that much ask if you can change the sheets yourself". Or encourage him to tell his father.
Their be back before you know it, if he doesn't want to go next time just except it.

XFil is busy watching sport, apparently

Why shouldn't he? It's his house. When I was a child I would have been told off if I'd complained about my grandparents doing anything they wanted IN THEIR OWN HOMES.

Children need to learn to entertain themselves. You're not doing them any favours by rushing them from one activity to the next, spending a fortune on tennis clubs and so on, and not teaching them how to relax and chill out.

The earthquake is obviously horrendous.

That doesn't mean my kids can't be upset that they are being ignore by gp who hary see them, upset that their father who they only see EOW and now has a chance at five days with them has not taken them into town too for the day, rather left them at home doing nothing, with people disinterested in them, plus one has a bad nights' sleep on a bumpy sofa and the other is grossed out having slept in a dirty bed. We are allowed to be bothered about things even though worse things have happened to other people, you know.

Amazed people are still arguing that it's ok for a 7yo to sleep downstairs by herself on a sofa.

Why bother having people to stay, if you're going to ignore them? I can guarantee you that if you went to your friends house and they sat watching sport all day, you'd think they were rude. But apparently it's ok to treat children this way.

I certainly would have noticed that at 12, even younger. Would have also noticed whether they are starched and ironed or not too.

OK, since you didn't read anything past the first paragraph obviously - what do you think about the idea that your children need to learn emotional resilience to deal with the situations they are upset about?

We have chill days, we absolutely do. But if I only saw someone occasionally, as these GP do, I would not be ignoring them. It's not about a relaxing day or not. My children are stuck in a house, nowhere to go, no one to see, cousins have had another offer so no not even seeing them much, other set of cousins were to be visited but no car seat so that's now not happening. How thoughtless do they have to be to not get a car seat ready? Or a bed?

Exactly I’m with you on this
it’s rank
the lack of entertainment is fine with me though ,cards , books puzzles are cheap to buy in CS and can stay there for them

Amazed anyone is bothered by it.

I wouldn't sleep in bedding that anyone else had slept in. That's grim. My bedding is changed in between my visitors even if they've only stayed for one night.

He was not taytletaling. He rang me asking what he should do. He was upset. Even if he was taytletaling, so what - he knows he can tell me anything.

It’s great that he has to there to ring and speak to when he’s concerned.

But he’s told you about almost every single thing that has happened - which isn’t great.

There are certain things, like his grandad watching TV (which is completely fine) that he needs to not moan about.
He needs to understand the world doesn’t revolve around him.
I’m sure his grandparents are probably over hearing these conversations too.

YANBU. It's basic hygiene standards

They are resilient, as much as kids should be. They've had to deal with their father leaving.

They are allowed to be upset, and imo, they are allowed to expect clean bedding. Neither thing means they aren't resilient.

Can the cousins not go to them? I thought they lived nearby

We did nothing at my grandparents homes. I watched my gran watch the snooker on the TV regularly. We were sent out to play in the garden or just watched TV with them.

Kids don't need micromanaging

I disagree. I talk with my kids. We have great communication. Open dialogue. It wasn't said in a tone of tattlletaling. Just saying how it is.

This ☝️. Also I can't believe what a hard time you are being given. The sleeping in cousins bed sheets wouldn't bother me, unless it was obviously unclean looking. However I agree with a pp regarding your 7 year old daughter. Having to sleep on an uncomfortable, uneven settee downstairs on her own, poor little thing. Why don't you drive over with a sleeping bag for each of them and fresh pillow cases. Your daughter would probably be more comfortable in a sleeping bag on the floor in the room with her brother than downstairs on a settee. You could also take some crafts, books or a board game to help them entertain themselves. I get it OP, you love your kids and are disappointed for them that they are not having the enjoyable half term week they were led to believe they would have.

I don't think you are jealous of the GF, and think it's horrible that so many have accused you of this. Also trying to make out OP's son has ulterior motives to be with his sister is quite honestly disgusting! Try not to get too worked up OP. The main thing is they are safe, and at least they'll appreciate home with you all the more on their return. Perhaps concentrate on a treat / special day out on their return.

I promise you, OP, their father leaving is not the biggest obstacle in their lives.

I really think that long term your children would benefit from you teaching them the art of chilling out. 7yo the couch was uncomfortable - 'Aw that's a shame, why don't you see if you can sleep top and tail with your brother tonight? That would be fun! 12yo someone else slept in the same bedsheets for a night - It's only one night, nothing awful is going to have happened to the sheets in one night, don't worry you won't catch anything.

It sounds like you are further winding them up by you being so wound up. Honestly, 12 and 7 year olds should be enjoying the adventure of learning about other people's houses not freaking out because the sheets have been slept in by a relative for one night or they aren't getting their grandparent's undivided attention.

A little bit of chill and learning that not everyone does things the way you do goes a long way in life and would prevent the stress that goes on on 90% of the threads on here.

But how often did you see them? That's crucial - my kids don't see them often at all. This is not quality time, this is not making happy memories. This smacks of two GP who can't be arsed with their GC.