Clean bedding is a basic hygiene standard, yes?

[Dirrrty]

Ex H has taken our two children several hours' away to visit his parents, along with his new girlfriend.
They live in a three-bed house; one single bed, two double.
My 12yo has phoned me grossed out that he's been put in a bed that his 15yo cousin had slept in the night before (if not longer than one night, he's not sure), and the sheets weren't changed. My 7yo was put on an uncomfortable sofa for the night. During the night, she was so uncomfortable that she got up and asked to be in the bed with ex and new gf. I'm not happy about that at all. He should have known she wouldn't be comfortable on the crappy sofa, and imo, the two children should have been given the double bed, new gf in single bed, and him on the sofa downstairs. He's a selfish arsehole though, so it wouldn't occur to him to think of his children before himself and new gf.
New gf is heading home tonight so my son asked his grandmother if he and his sister could sleep in the double bed tonight, and would she please wash the bedding. (Ex is out with new gf for the day showing her the nearest big city, so kids are dumped with the grandparents doing absolutely nothing, just sat in the house.
I'm not happy about that either.) Ex-mil has told my son she is too busy to wash the bedding (my son says they are just sitting about).

But my aibu is, surely it's basic hygiene when having guests to give them clean sheets???

YANBU - of course they should have clean sheets
YABU - it's not going to kill them, sleeping in used sheets, meh whatever.

Comments re the sleeping arrangements welcome too. Thank you.

What I actually said, was the gf should be in the single room, and my ex should have taken the sofa

You did say that, sorry. But my point still stands, because you claim that the sofa is unsuitable for sleeping on, yet you don't mind your ex-husband being relegated to it.

Thank you.

I'm neat and clean too (obviously!). But I would absolutely know to give guests clean bedding, as I'd make beds up fresh.

Cousin lives locally and is there all the time. They could easily have been told "not Sunday, J and B are coming so I need to get the beds all ready for them".

I certainly prefer him to be uncomfortable over my 7yo child, very much yes. She should not suffer. She's now a bit grumpy having had barely any sleep, and says she aches. No way would I have put myself before my child.

YANBU
Sounds utterly disgusting and miserable. I’d be keeping the DC home in future.

OP you've and a whole day to do something lovely with. It's been a beautiful day too and you've spent all of it stressing over things you can't change, which whilst maybe not ideal, aren't really doing any harm.

Arrange something to do this evening and make some plans for tomorrow.

Any! Engage with them. They hardly see them. It's like they can't be bothered with my children. Yet I know they are running around after their other GC all the time. (This was actually an issue when I was with their father and we lived much closer.)

It doesn't sound like the end of the world, but you could get a couple of sleeping bags and air beds if it bothers you that much.

You can get self inflating mats that are a bit thinner but a doddle to put up, even for a child, as well as light and easy to carry. I'd recommend the Vango Comfort 5 Single Sleep Mat.

These things are handy to have around in any event so it won't be a waste of money.

Did she really suffer, though? You've said she's a small seven year old.

I can't see how she got to the point of aches and pains at that age. Children often sleep on the floor for fun, or in the garden in a tent, on the grass.

Because providing adequately for your children's needs, including somewhere appropriate to sleep, takes priority over adults' needs obviously. If he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa then why should his daughter? Why has he not bought an airbed or sofabed? It is his responsibility as a parent to look after her properly.

I'm multi-tasking. I have plans for this evening. I have plans all week, amongst WFH. I'm ok. I was gauging responses on mn though and hate it when an op starts a thread ten buggers off completely.

Personally I couldn’t sleep in a bed that someone else had used, even for one night, without a change of bedding. And I find it interesting that during Covid, there would have been howls of protest if it had even been suggested as reasonable - it hasn’t gone away.

This Thread is mad. People do far more disgusting things than sleep in a bed someone else has previously slept in. It was his cousin for one night.

At Christmas my sister and I tag-teamed at our brother’s house. I arrived they day she left (she stayed 2 nights) and I actively told my SIL not to change the sheets to limit her laundry load.

Quite. At 12 many kids are on their own during the school holidays entertaining themselves. It doesn't do them any favours to be entertained the whole time.

I wouldn’t want to sleep on sheets that a 15 year old had used, so I wouldn’t expect my children to. My kids have a 5 year age gap and at 12 and 7, they wouldn’t have wanted to sleep in already slept in sheets. They would have been fine to share a bed if necessary. The youngest would have refused to sleep on a sofa.

Your ex sounds like a complete twat and a shit father. Poor kids. My kids would refuse to go next time. I feel for you, your kids are away from you and you know they’re not happy and being ignored. I would find this very difficult, no wonder you’re feeling how you are. 💐

Sorry I am curious about this sofa that is so uncomfortable for a 7 year old. I think the bed configuration makes sense if I am honest. Unless there is a drip feed and your 7 year old is the size of a teen?

My hypermobile DC would definitely feel it even at age 7.

Thank you. Exactly my sentiments. He doesn't put them first. Ever. He knew the room set up at his parents, and should have made it suitable. He's commented to me years ago why on earth did they buy that unsuitable sofa when they hoped to have GC (not just mine, but all) sleep over, and only two spare beds upstairs. I'd have bought a big sofa bed.

Gosh, you're making your kids sound whiny and entitled, tattle-tales, incapable of changing a bed, or amusing themselves, or engaging with their hosts. You've done that to them, OP.

There's a photo of the sofa upthread. It is not flat. My DD could not lay flat on it.

They haven't noticed, as my kids have been sent outside to the summer house to chill out. They aren't being paid any attention.

Kids don’t need constant attention though.

It sounds like you just have very different parenting ideas.

You are all about the kids and their wants. You think half terms should be solely about them and should have lots of activities everyday which cost money like tennis club etc.

Whilst your ex and family are the opposite.
They think chilling at home with the grandparents are fine and will get on with their normal daily routine even if the kids are there.

Honestly, if I had my nieces and nephews come to stay I would be more like you and give them lots of attention and fuss because I don’t see them often.
With my own DD I try and have a middle ground.

But I think you need to accept that these people have different parenting ideas and to step back and let them get on with it.

If you think the sheets and sofa is unacceptable then contact your ex and ask him to sort it.

But you need to pick your battles, as so far almost everything they’ve done you’ve had an issue with and you can’t micromanage everything they do.

My immediate impression is that you are more bothered about the “new girlfriend” than the sheets.

I couldn’t get worked up over the sheets or the sofa to be honest. Move on OP.

I'm not trying to be all, "there are starving kids in Africa", but genuinely, please just read any news item about Turkey, OP.

Then ask yourself, which adult would be better prepared to deal with life if the worst happened to them? The one who's mum intervened due to one night on a used sheet, or the one who thought about the situation and sorted it themselves or decided they could endure it?

Because people aren't saying that your children don't deserve clean bedding or that clean bedding isn't better.

They're telling you that this situation isn't the end of the world, that they can manage it, and survive.

You are telling them that this is UNACCEPTABLE, their needs MUST be met, and met by someone else.

Which will do them no favours when they are adult sized babies that no employer or friend or partner will want to pander to.

This. So many formative times (in my opinion) for children are when there aren't activities going on; when their minds wander, they can make something out of their environment whether an activity, a daydream, a game, a talking point, anything, and be somewhere different for a while.

That's one of the main things I remember about being at my grandparents' houses as a child, the simple fact of being in a different environment, with older adults who lived at a different pace, being slightly bored but that absence of stimuli (planned activities or schedules) letting my mind wander. I can remember those moments, looking at old books or photo albums or just sitting on the settee sort of in my own world at my grandma's, more vividly than I remember most days out and structured activities.

It really strikes me as odd that people think children need to be entertained with activities constantly, or every day. They don't. A bit of slower pace is ok, even a bit of boredom. It's variety in life.

This.

My son would have been happy to change the bed himself, but has not been given clean sheets.

He was not taytletaling. He rang me asking what he should do. He was upset. Even if he was taytletaling, so what - he knows he can tell me anything.

They want to engage. They have been told to go outside to the summerhouse. XFil is busy watching sport, apparently.