Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

What a lot of bosh about ‘the patriarchy’, gender stereotyping, etc. Of course many mothers - I’m not saying all of them - feel a visceral bond with their infants - it’s Nature’s way of ensuring that babies - human and animal - weren’t just dumped in the forest for predators to eat. Of course some mothers - both human and animal - show little or no interest, but it’s hardly the norm.

As for men being wired differently, well of course they are - their sex is evident in every cell of their bodies - it’s not just their ‘bits’. I had thought this nonsense about any differences except genitals being entirely down to stereotyping/societal expectations, etc., went out with the more extreme forms of 1970s feminism. Which I’m old enough to remember.

But that’s not to say that many men are not fantastic, loving fathers. Of course many are.

Every family has a different set up. I get that you will be a first time mum but surely you can appreciate that? My dh took 2 weeks pat leave and a weeks holiday with out eldest, the same with our son and then 6 weeks with our youngest plus two weeks annual leave. We've shared night wake ups from the get go and all chores are equal in this house. Just because he worked full time wasn't a good enough excuse not to do night wake ups with out children when I was struggling. I have higher expectations in a spouse than a lot of people I'm starting to realise. He has always been an equal parent though. I think those women that mystically believe the mother is somehow all encompassing do men a disservice and actually make a rod for their own back. If they always think they know best, often they jump in and undermine the other parents efforts or completely take over. This can be manageable when it's just the one child but add in going back to work and a second or third child and resentment builds.

I left my son at 6 weeks to attend a 2 day family wedding and I regretted it. I couldn't sleep without him and missed him so much. With my current baby who is 17 months old, I left her at 3 months old to go to see a panto. I have not left her overnight nor will I anytime soon. I do not have family nearby that are willing to help nor would I ask them. I want to take care of my kids myself and dh and I are fortunate not to need nursery this time around. My sil is completely different and gives her baby to my mil overnight to do the wake ups and is happy to leave her with mil whenever she wants. It's whatever suits your family.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy. x

I personally don't understand the consensus that mothers can't leave their child/won't be ready etc. You will hear a lot of martyrs on here OP about "I didn't leave my baby overnight until they were 3, 7, 18" etc. It's exhausting.

I'm on a mum whatsapp group where a mum didn't want to leave her 2.5 year old with her DH to go for a birthday dinner (so latest home, maybe 11pm?), and there was big support about "well you're never going to remember a random dinner, but when you look back, you will remember you were there for your baby day in, day out". I just thought, by the time that kid is older and she feels ready to leave them, she would have probably lost a bunch of her friends. I'd stop inviting someone out if in 2.5 years they always said no. It also begs the question of how useful/useless is DH.

As for me, I ebf for 6 months.

I left my 4 month old for 3 days, 2 nights for a long weekend hen party and DH looked after him the whole time.

A few months later, we left DS again, now 8 months with grandparents to go to a destination wedding in Spain with DH. I had a bloody good time, drank, stayed late, enjoyed myself. And baby was totally fine when I got back. It was actually DH that kept bringing up DS in conversation, asking my parents to send pics etc, I was totally checked out and loving it.

A few months later, we left DS (now 17 months) with GPs again for 2 weeks whilst we went to Asia on a holiday of a lifetime. Again, totally fine.

There are more holidays booked for 2023, and I can't wait.

We have made it a rule that once a month DS stays overnight at GPs so that we have our own date night time, he's now a happy, confident 2 year old.

Everyone's different, but I have and use the support system I have, including DH.

There is not biological reason for babies to have a stronger attachment to their mam,

I mean. Very obviously there is.

Even if you ignore breastfeeding.

We're just primates - you do realise that, right?

Of course baby won’t feel equally close to both of you. Baby doesn’t even realise they’re a separate person to mum until they’re about 7 months old.

And it’s not until 9 months old that babies start to form attachments to anyone other than their primary caregiver.

You are woefully ignorant and naive on parenting and you need to do some research on it because it’s important.

Dad can be an equal parent in that he helps with nappy changes, baths etc but he will never be equal in the eyes of your baby, and you are really misunderstanding the strong emotional pull you will have to your little one that makes it hard to leave them.

"You are woefully ignorant and naive on parenting and you need to do some research on it because it’s important."

@MelaniesFlowers ouch. You don't pull any punches do you 🤣

Well it is important to understand a baby’s biological desires. You can’t go into parenting with your eyes shut.

You need to be looking into things like the fourth trimester, sleep expectations etc.

You are missing the point that fathers CAN be the primary caregiver, and not every mother feels the “biological desire” to have their child strapped to them 24/7. Especially if the mother doesn’t form an instant bond or get that initial gush of love (which is completely normal and okay)

I left all three of my DC with DH as soon as I could go back to the gym! DH also took each of them to visit his grandparents at less than a week old so I could sleep. Obviously breastfeeding does restrict things a bit eg after 3-4 hours I would need to feed or pump and DD never accepted a bottle (DS1 and DS2 did which made things easier). I did keep in touch days with work and left DS2 with my mum when he was about 2 months old, wouldn’t have managed overnight due to breastfeeding. I had to pump at work.

We left DD overnight (weekend away) with my MIL and FIL as soon as she was happily sleeping consistently all night and drinking nicely from a bottle I think at 7 months.

Even if the father is the primary caregiver, that does not erase the biological bond between mum and child. Baby still thinks they’re the same person as mum for months.

That doesn’t mean that it’s detrimental for a baby or mum to be away from each other though, does it?

My son was held pretty much all the time we were awake from birth (he slept beside us in a crib during the night but on us during the day) - he would cry if not being held, but was equally settled when being held by either of us.

My partner was the first one to hold him, to feed him, etc. - I couldn’t stop vomiting for his entire first day.

I bonded to my son instantly, but it took longer with my daughter. Interestingly though, my daughter had a stronger attachment to me, whereas even now my son doesn’t care who holds him, as long as he’s being held.

Default parenting is absolutely a thing. The experience a mother has is hugely different from a father and the bond you have is different.

Some mums are quite happy to relinquish the responsibility of motherhood and leave baby for a night. Some wait years. You will never know how you feel, or what kind of baby you have. Some are easy going, some are little clingers. The type of mum you will be will be influenced by that.

Biologically, yes, mums are more attached/baby is more attached to them. Babies don’t even realise they are separate to mum for a good while, I can’t remember how long.

You haven’t said how old baby will be. I think that makes a difference.

Mine were both bf so I’m coming from that perspective and not just from practicality but from attachment. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave them overnight, especially not to go abroad.

Yes there are different expectations of Dads societally but also biologically. They bond too but it is different.

Presume if one parent is working away the other is still around?

I did leave my baby at three months for a honeymoon, with grandparents who helped out anyway as back then maternity leave rules meant I was back by 9 weeks. I’d been really ill all pregnancy and benefitted hugely from the recovery time. We all survived just fine but impossible not sure I would have done it with subsequent children-maybe the honeymoon was significant enough to balance it.

If a mum of breastfeeding then oxytocin’s is a real factor but if not I think it’s equal- or should be.

You and your husband sound like a great team, really mature and ready to be great parents. We were the same. It was in my birth plan that as soon as baby was out, I wanted him put in DH arms, with my hand on the top. We bottle feed, we share nights, and we took shared parental leave. Now both back at work we take turns to do nursery drop offs/collection. My kid loves us both, and both sets of grandparents too.

Of course the stronger bond is between mother and baby - the baby literally grew inside her body and there are strong biological reasons for this attachment - hormones, instincts and so on. You can’t just decide that the bond between the baby and father is just as strong or important, because it simply isn’t. Socialisation plays a part in how we view modern motherhood, but we are still animals.

You should absolutely go! I left my first overnight when she was 6 weeks old then again for 3 nights when she was about 11 weeks old for my sisters hen do. I mean you miss them but you still need sometime as a couple!

I blame the hormones 😂 Took me 5 months to be able to detach myself from baby for 2 hours to get my hair done.
Some mums deal with this a lot easier. I’m not a very emotional person by any means, but having a baby completely threw me off. It depends, but you won’t know until you’re there.

@Animallover87 I think I'm really similar to you! First baby, also due in august via c-section (maternal choice), I won't be breastfeeding (no excuses, other than I don't want to), I'll be an older mother, and I have a very clear expectation that my partner will be an equal parent. He'll be taking 2 months off with me after birth, I'll go back to work at 6 months and we'll do SPL after that. We're already dreadful parents, we have 2 weddings booked in during those first two months, and plan on leaving the baby with my mum for the day both times (she is on board with this!). We have of course caveated that we may not be able to attend, as who knows how I / the baby will be feeling.
I think that the parents on this thread are falling into 2 camps over your question, and I've an idea which I will be in, but obviously I can't really comment until baby's here. I'm sure we / the babies will be fine whichever way it all works out!

Good luck! I’d advise getting some Spanx or similar for under whatever you are wearing to wedding - not to make you look slimmer, but the tight fabric over your incision will help support your muscles and help you dance all night if you want!

Thanks @CherLloydbyCherLloyd - I did have a vision that I could still be in a nappy type thing trying to hold everything together - so Spanx sound like an improvement on that!

Your last two words maybe explain why so many fathers feel unneeded and unwanted in their baby's life. They are pushed away by the woman and then criticised for not being able to look after the baby when the woman wants him to.

I never needed any nappy type thing for either of mine - I did wear Tena pants in hospital with my second and I’d recommend them as you can just rip them off to pee - but I wore seamless primark high waisted pants from the day I went home. A standard maternity pad was fine inside. I you can wear normal pants with Spanx on top!

Gosh, that's so sad. Poor men. They really get the worst of pregnancy and childbirth. [crying]

wait till the baby is here!

women carry the baby and bond for 9 months and are closer - its a fact