Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

@CherLloydbyCherLloyd It is detrimental for mum and baby to be apart, yes. Decades of research has shown this.

I would say no I am not bonded more than my husband. I also would go away and leave my child with grandparents or my husband. I would say though untill u have ur child will have no idea how u will feel. Its a real individual choice and I think it should be . The never leave their children are no more right than the leave their child.

No, it’s because they don’t try. They don’t actively engage themselves in nappy changes, bathtimes, bottle feeding if applicable, playtime, general caring.

Mums don’t automatically know how to be a mother. They learn it through trial and error and dads have to as well. Many just don’t bother.

Wanted to add, yes my husband works full time and I am unable to work and that has made absolutely no difference

There is evidence that shows that a mum who chooses to spend a few days away from their baby, knowing that they are with the other parent, is negatively impacted?

There is evidence that shows a child who has secure attachments to both parents is negatively impacted because their primary caregiver so happens to not be their mother?

How does this work for adoptive families who adopted at birth?

Not IME

I never had that can't bear to leave them thing. Despite bf.

We both cared for them alone from birth. Neither was more bonded than the other

I think some women set themselves up as default parent so they can feel needed. They then judge other women who feel differently and tell them there must be something wrong with them. Maybe it's an insecurity thing.

I would wait to see how you feel. I left DS2 for 4 days to go to HK when he was about 7 months old but I doubt i'd have left DS1 at that age to go half way across the world. Your question about mums having more love/bond with their children, I'm not sure that's how i'd word it but for most mums, having a child is different to most dads feelings. I wouldn't say they love them less or have less of a bond, but there is a difference, IMO.

Yes breastfeeding is just so misandrist isn’t it? Just awful! Perhaps we should all get mass mastectomies to even the playing field so men feel better about it? Those pesky oxytocin hormones forcing mothers and baby’s to bond in the early days are just being in the way of men!

Of course they are, it’s evolution, the baby relies on its mother completely when that young. It’s just nature/survival.

@MeanCanadianLady

Dad's produce oxytocin too. The more direct care they do of their own infant, the more they produce

It doesn't have to be an competition.
It is possible to share care and for both parents to be equally bonded

Surely that's the ideal?

People are ridiculous! I went back to work when my youngest was 10 weeks. Myself and DH both work 4 days (me 30 hpw and him 40). We both have three days pw solo parenting and both four days at work. Pretty much equally split. I don’t think I’m more attached to our children than he is at all.

I would have happily left DD at 2 days old, DH was attached to her 24/7 and took 6 weeks off work (no paternity leave where we are this was all holiday leave). I wouldn’t assume anything about how anyone would feel.

Exactly it shouldn’t be a competition but others are making it out to be. Of course men produce oxytocin. Everyone does. It’s natural. We all produce a small amount of it when we hug, kiss, cuddle. That’s normal.

But it’s also different for mothers because our brains are quite literally FLOODED with it first when the birth happens because we literally do not go into labor without it. And then again during breastfeeding. The baby’s brain is also flooded with this hormone during the birth and breastfeeding. So is it so wild to conclude that initially we get a bonding boost?

Did you know that mothers experience huge amounts of brain development that is only second to puberty during postpartum? Why is it bad to acknowledge that it’s just different? It’s not as if dads won’t get their turn later! But somehow it’s misandrist that biology just bonds us differently with our babies in the early days? Why is that so wrong? Please tell me?

And I think every pregnancy birth and postpartum is different. I am not denying that. My sister for example had a huge nesting instinct to the point that she legally cried when someone out a dish in the sink. She actually needed medication for it it was so bad. I didn’t get the nesting instinct at all.

Just because I didn’t experience nesting doesn’t mean my sisters experience was not real. So I’m thinking perhaps some mothers are simply less affected by this bonding instinct but because they didn’t notice it as much they are trying to paint the mothers that did notice and experience it to a greater extent as just awful controlling man hating mothers.

@MeanCanadianLady

Seems like it's you making it a competition

Different isn't better and as you say, everyone is different

Not every mother bf. Does that mean they have a lesser bond than mums who do?

Mums are different to dads but both can bond equally.

Thats a good thing

Not every mother goes into labour.

Not every mother breastfeeds.

Even mothers who get c sections have the chemical oxytocin boost. It’s initiated when the placenta comes off of the uterine wall. So even if this is done manually she experiences it.

Yes if you breastfeed

In the documentary "babies" it explains that the baby's primary caregiver's brain changes significantly when baby arrives, and any secondary caregivers' brains change by about 1/3 as much. It's biological..... We get really attached to our babies!

I think you want me to make it a competition. But I’m simply pointing out that’s this is a very real experience. I’m simply saying it’s not a crime to acknowledge biological differences. You want to disconnect our emotions from our bodies and hormones because it’s not convenient to your narrative. But they are very much interconnected.

The pps that in the same breath say it’s sexist to acknowledge those differences because it hurts the fathers chance to bond with baby but then blame them for lazy parenting or say they are doing something wrong when they struggle to bond is very interesting and a little hypocritical.

I remember my husband was caring for our daughter day in and day out but all she wanted was me for the first three months and it hurt his feelings. He was not a lazy parent and he was doing everything he could to try to form that connection. I remember him sitting down and confessing his feelings where hurt that she would only stop crying when I held her. He said “I feel like I could get hit by a truck tomorrow and she wouldn’t be affected by it.”

And we are in canada so we both had parental leave. So no sexist government policies getting in the way here!

So yes I find it offensive that men are being blamed for struggling to connect because I watched it first hand. A man who is not lazy who did the whole shirtless skin to skin contact literally every single day. She didn’t hit her “daddy phase” until five months though. That’s when she noticed he existed and she bonded with him finally.

@Endlesslaundry123

What if they don't have a primary care giver?

@MeanCanadianLady

I’m simply saying it’s not a crime to acknowledge biological differences. You want to disconnect our emotions from our bodies and hormones because it’s not convenient to your narrative.

I haven't said anything like that though

I haven't said it's not a real experience. It is but it's not the only one

I went away for three nights when my baby was 4 months and had a lovely time. Had to keep pumping as I was breastfeeding but apart from that it was lovely. We both missed the baby but loved the time away. My parents treasure the special time they had with their grandchild while he was so young.

At that age they barely know who is looking after them, so a few nights really makes no difference

But generally speaking it is a very common experience that is being dismissed as sexist somehow. 🤨

@MeanCanadianLady

I haven't read the full thread so maybe ive missed something

Setting women up as the primary care giver does tend to lead to all sorts of problems further down the line.

It is possible for both parents to be equally bonded even when accounting for biological differences.

I can’t find anything to support that, what I did read is that they administer oxytocin because it’s often not released in c section births, and they think this may be the cause of the higher incidence of PND in c-section births.