Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse this "gift"

357 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:44

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 13/02/2023 09:46

DotAndCarryOne2 · 13/02/2023 09:41

Which brings up a good pint about deprivation of assets. Wonder how Local Authority will view a £50,000 giveaway if care becomes necessary.

Show quote history

In LA terms, deprivation of assets is giving assets away after the need for care becomes apparent. People who are fit and well with no identified conditions are allowed to give money away.

It could be an issue for IHT (on a sliding scale) if they die within 7 years. But if they are leaving their principle residence to direct descendants the IHT threshold for a married couple can be up to £1m. Plus the annual allowance for gifts over the 7 years could account for £21k.

Bunnyfuller · 13/02/2023 09:47

That 25k seems to be going a long way!

BlueSeaWave · 13/02/2023 09:48

Still take the money. Then go NC or LC and sell the car. Use the mortgage payment amount to build savings. You can take a very small mortgage in the future for emergencies. Take the money and stop doing everything for them. Tell them your sister can help

DotAndCarryOne2 · 13/02/2023 09:54

SchoolTripDrama · 13/02/2023 01:31

As a disabled, widowed & therefore single parent, with not enough to buy milk AND bread tomorrow, I'm finding it realllly hard to feel sorry for you right now OP! This is essentially a free car at the very least! Be grateful for god's sake

Gratitude isn’t the point, and the OP isn’t asking for anyone to feel sorry for her. It’s a moral dilemma to which your own situation, as much as I sympathise with you, is not relevant. The money comes with strings attached from parents who have so little respect for their daughter that they would go behind her back and contact the ex husband who tried to kill her, to snoop on her financial situation. No thanks.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 13/02/2023 09:59

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/02/2023 08:16

Hey, gift horse,,open your mouth. I need to make sure you have the right attitude to enter my stable…..

?????

JemimaTiggywinkles · 13/02/2023 10:01

I'd tell them you'll gratefully accept any help they want to give as long as it doesn't come with strings attached. If they don't trust you to spend / save the money wisely then you'd prefer not to receive it at all.

BeachBlondey · 13/02/2023 10:01

Can't believe how ungrateful you are!!

DHs Dad is a multi-millionaire. He's never given us a penny. DH's brother is on the breadline too. Can't even heat his house.

You are very lucky to be getting anything at all. £25k plus a car. It's the stuff of dreams.

ByTheGrace · 13/02/2023 10:02

Take the car and sell it. It's a finger up to your controlling mother. You can buy a car and have savings with the proceeds. Also make arrangements with your sister to split your parents' errands.

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2023 10:03

Show them the car you would like to buy and how you would invest the rest. Would it be worth boosting pension?

CohenTree · 13/02/2023 10:05

Take the money and then do what you wish with it.
Once it is in your bank account your family has no power over it.

Lozois99 · 13/02/2023 10:06

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 23:07

Ironically, I want a 5 door hatch!

But they want me to buy as new as possible (as they have always had brand new) as they see that as better. They dont know, as I do, that all you are buying is a faster depreciating "asset" depending on what you buy. Basically they want me to buy the same car they have, as that is good. The fact that they have spent KK on maintaining a 5 year old car that has done 12k on the clock is neither here nor there.....they know best.....No actually......she knows best.

Show quote history

At the minute some cars are actually
going up in value. My milage is low and i checked the value and its only £500 less than when i bought the car four years ago. Its a bizarre world right now but new( or new ish) cars arent a terrible investment

Sugarfree23 · 13/02/2023 10:06

ByTheGrace · 13/02/2023 10:02

Take the car and sell it. It's a finger up to your controlling mother. You can buy a car and have savings with the proceeds. Also make arrangements with your sister to split your parents' errands.

Sell it and do what?
Pay over the odds for an ancient secondhand car, I assume Op needs a car or she wouldn't have a car.

beachcitygirl · 13/02/2023 10:07

I'd be turning it down. I suspect your mother has you earmark as the one who will be looking after them (as sister sensible & married) and
If you take this money you will be reminded forever after that they brought you a brand new car & paid your mortgage.
Every time they need a lift anywhere the narrative will be, we bought that car.

I would write down your feelings in a letter to your dad. I would include your rightful annoyance at them going to your ex. I would in essence write everything you've said here, calmly and confidently.

I would finish with a genuine thanks for the offer, but a regret that a gift with strings is not a gift & you'll do as you have always done. Manage superbly.
Ps you've done bloody amazing

Roundabout78 · 13/02/2023 10:09

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 13/02/2023 09:46

If yo applied just a little bit of reasoning you can tell there is more to the story and a gift with strings is NOT a gift so sod off with your ungrateful bullocks.

Show quote history

Ok, so say no 🤷🏻‍♀️ simple isn’t it. Whining about being offered £25k when people literally can’t afford to feed their kids or heat their homes isn’t it.

BarbaraofSeville · 13/02/2023 10:12

OP, you say in your first post that your DM thinks you are feckless but this is completely at odds with you wanting to do a very sensible thing and keep some money back as savings.

I know that this is about far more than the £25k, but surely if you said that you were going to keep £5k back and (say) use £5k to pay off your mortgage and pay £15k for the car? Plus you'll possibly need to pay for tax, insurance, service etc, so need money for those things. So that would achieve the aim of paying off your mortgage, buying you a decent car, and leaving a little money so it wouldn't be a disaster if you got a garage bill in the next couple of years or whatever.

I don't understand how anyone who claims to be financially responsible could argue with that?

KTheGrey · 13/02/2023 10:13

@beachcitygirl has it exactly right. Maybe write down everything you feel and burn it - let it go.

Then write the civilised letter; I would point out that they are not being fair or doing it 50/50, because they aren't. Explain that you are made miserable by their double standards as well. They should hear that, even if they will not acknowledge it. Going to your ex violates many normal boundaries and your point about this making you cry is really heartbreaking.

Hope this works out xx

IMustDoMoreExercise · 13/02/2023 10:13

If they still don't trust you (and I can see why but I don't agree that they shouldn't trust you) then could you put the rest of the money in a joint account with them so that they know that you will not waste it.

They should be able to trust you by now and not treat you like a child, but they obviously have their reasons.

They are being very generous and most people can only dream of getting that sort of money. You are very lucky even though they are still treating you like a child.

BaroldNedmunds · 13/02/2023 10:15

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2023 10:03

Show them the car you would like to buy and how you would invest the rest. Would it be worth boosting pension?

This. If they are at all reasonable, it should allay any fears that they might have about you being irresponsible.
Turning a generous and useful offer down because you feel affronted (although I do understand your feelings) would be exactly the kind of thing they expect of you. Don’t play the part they have written for you.

forrestgreen · 13/02/2023 10:20

'Dear mum and dad. Thanks very much for the idea of the gift of £25k. It's so generous.
I'm very much looking forward to paying my mortgage off and getting a car. However it has upset me that you trust dsis to organise her gift and want to supervise my use of the money. If it helps, I've had advise on a car, investments and my mortgage and know that I'm making the best decisions for me. If the gift comes with the supervision above I'm afraid I'll have to decline. If you trust me, as a successful mum and homeowner to sort it myself, than I'm very grateful'

beachcitygirl · 13/02/2023 10:23

@DotAndCarryOne2 well said.

billy1966 · 13/02/2023 10:24

beachcitygirl · 13/02/2023 10:07

I'd be turning it down. I suspect your mother has you earmark as the one who will be looking after them (as sister sensible & married) and
If you take this money you will be reminded forever after that they brought you a brand new car & paid your mortgage.
Every time they need a lift anywhere the narrative will be, we bought that car.

I would write down your feelings in a letter to your dad. I would include your rightful annoyance at them going to your ex. I would in essence write everything you've said here, calmly and confidently.

I would finish with a genuine thanks for the offer, but a regret that a gift with strings is not a gift & you'll do as you have always done. Manage superbly.
Ps you've done bloody amazing

Agree with this.

Your sister has you right where she wants you, doing everything whilst she is the golden child.

Take some space and let them call your sister.

You are being used and abused and their contacting your violent Ex means you have abusive parents.

Could you get some counselling because you are an amazing woman who has come through so much but you have a real toxic presence in your life in the shape of your family.

You deserve so much better than them all.

entirelyesspresso · 13/02/2023 10:33

I'd pay if the mortgage and choose a reliable and reasonably priced car - I would then suggest my parents put the rest in a suitable investment account for me - if they weren't comfortable doing this I'd say thanks anyway and let them keep the change.

Once your mortgage is paid off and you have a reliable and cheap to run car you will be able to start saving and investing for yourself.

ByTheGrace · 13/02/2023 10:34

Sugarfree23 · 13/02/2023 10:06

Sell it and do what?
Pay over the odds for an ancient secondhand car, I assume Op needs a car or she wouldn't have a car.

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with having a second hand car, no need for it to be ancient, depending on the figures involved.

Sugarfree23 · 13/02/2023 10:53

ByTheGrace · 13/02/2023 10:34

There's nothing wrong with having a second hand car, no need for it to be ancient, depending on the figures involved.

Show quote history

Your missing the point secondhand cars are not cheap at the moment. People are selling / trading cars in for not much less than they paid 3/4 years ago for them.

My car was bought at a year old for 14k, its now nearly 5. I did a quote for it on WebuyAnyCar they are prepared to give me 11.5k for it so by the time they make their profit on it, to buy it now at 5yo you'd be about 13k.
The days of secondhand cars being cheap are gone.

thewinterwitch · 13/02/2023 11:40

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:54

And what about the fact that I have to endure this humiliation as @MzHz quite rightly puts it, and my sister didnt?

Show quote history

Jeez. This is not the time to be getting on your high horse. So, your mother's a bitch, she enjoys making out that you're the problem child, that you can't be trusted and need to be monitored. You're the black sheep. You're the family scapegoat. Your father is inadequate and won't stand up to her, but he sees you a bit. Refusing the money won't change any of this.

Suck it up and sort out your mortgage and get a new car. It really is childish to take a stand against a personality type like your mother. You don't win, and you just end up resentful, hurt, and with no paid off mortgage or new car.

Swipe left for the next trending thread