to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Use it to pay off the mortgage. But why decline the remainder? Buy the expensive car they want, then sell it and buy the car you want and save the difference. You may loose some money on the car but you will still have more than if you refused the gift outright.

I am broke, 25k is a lot of money to me. But 100% I would tell them where to stuff it.
You have done amazing, you have overcame so much and not only survived it but totally smashed it. If they can’t see that then that is their loss. You have seen and struggled enough to know that that money is wasted on a car, so they are the wrong ones. It’s not worth it, walk away.

you said you need a car. Refusing the money would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Annoying in the extreme, but suck it up and use the money on a car, and any money you may be saving towards a car can be used for savings/investments as you mention.

I'm presuming that this "gift" will come with years of comments and digs if you do not kowtow to their specifications.
While a car is very useful, if that becomes a symbol of resentment, that's a bloody huge one parked up outside the house or have to sit in every day. That's not a healthy way to live.

If you can't spend this "gift" in a way which is useful to you, and accepting it under their terms comes with too much emotional baggage, there is value in declining and continuing with your original plans that were managable.

Not accepting is losing nothing. It depends on whether accepting is a a gain, or comes at an emotional loss.

@PyongyangKipperbang this may be a little simplistic, but what if your parents already HAD a car of the type they intend to buy for you, and they offered to pay off your mortgage and give you said car. Would you take the mortgage money and the car? Or just the mortgage money and no car?

If you took the car, would you keep it, or sell it and get the one you want? And bank the difference?

I get that there are larger issues at play here, but it might be worth thinking of it in those terms and possibly discussing it with your parents in those terms. I completely understand that you don't want to trail round car showrooms while mummy picks out her your car, though.

I'm glad others are pointing out cars are holding their value at the moment.

DH was talking to someone who wanted a BMW the nearly new ex-demo on the forecourt was 15% more than a brand new one but the new one had a years wait.

Once they pay off your mortgage you will be able to save as you won’t be making payments.
If the car turns out not to be to your liking then tell them
it doesn’t suit your lifestyle and sell it. Presumably it will be bought in your name?

Stop discussing it with her.

Put some nice splinters in your arse by kind of sitting on the fence.

Take the money - almost for your sister's sake (not your responsibility I know, but it means she can accept the money with less angst). With a simple "Thank you. This will help, I will use it for a mortgage and then a car of my choice." Repeat ad nauseum and refuse to be drawn into any discussions.

Then, pay off the mortgage. (This will allow you to save.)

Then if there is the slightest attempt at control from your mother over what you use the rest of the money for - give it back to her with a "I am an adult. I have brought up 6 children, worked/career etc. I am able to make adult decisions. I cannot use this money if it comes with you controlling major purchases that affect my life. I would rather wait and save for a car myself. Thank you though."

Refusing the money will confirm your mother's view that you are not capable of making financial decisions (even if we can understand why).

Returning the "controlled" portion shows you as having financial acumen but also allows you to set your boundaries.

I think it would be crazy not to take the mortgage money at least.

I get why you feel the way you do but honestly if they're going to act the way they are with you regardless and you don't plan on falling out with them then I would just take the money.

The money would buy about 6 months care for one in a home at the current average rates.

Trying to give your parents the benefit of huge doubt here… sometimes as a gift-giver, people like to know what they have bought and to be able to say/think ‘I bought X her car’ rather than it disappear into a pot of savings. From their point of view it could be as simple as that sentiment, not due to a lack of trust?

I know.

Friend has just bought a new electric car and he's got half a dozen dealers fighting over his old one. The money they are offering him will mean that it's cost him pretty much nothing to run over the past three years.

I bought a very small car for £8k a couple of years ago. The same place is now selling the same age car for nearly £2k more, despite them being 2 years older.

This. As they trust your sister, can she not intervene? After all, if they're happy to talk to your murderous ex, they should be more happy to talk to their - in their eyes - 'more responsible' daughter.

How very annoying for you though, a gift should create happiness not despair, and never come with strings attached. I hope this is resolved to your satisfaction, or as nearly as possible.

Could you remortgage for 25k? Get your mum to pay off the loan and then you have the 25 k to do with as you please?

I would have the conversation with them before telling them to ‘shove it’.

Tell them that you sometimes feel as if they still see you as a teenager, remind them of the successes and stability you have brought to your life and your kids’. Tell them you are very grateful for the offer if money and would never fritter it away or misuse it, but would prefer to spend it in your own planned timescale.

At least have a go at making a difference to your longer term relationship with them? What do you have to lose?

I have had a similar situation to this with my family - in the end I told them to shove it, and have engineered a low contact situation. It highlighted to me they will never change, nothing i do will be good enough, my sibling will always get the excuses and understanding and my parents will never view me in the same way. After a fair amount of therapy I'm reasonably at peace with it (I'd be lying if I said the disappointment and hurt and injustice doesn't rear up sometimes, but I've learnt to manage it successfully). Instead of taking their money and playing their game, I've kept my self-respect and checked out of their stupid little games. I am lucky in that I was in the financial position to support myself without them I guess, and know not everyone has that choice. But to me, you can't put a price on being able to look yourself in the mirror, and freeing myself from any sense of obligation to them has changed my life for the better. Good luck - I hope you find peace with it

This sounds very familiar to me. As the youngest of two daughters I was always considered to be the baby who wasn't quite as responsible as big sister, even into my 50's. It has reminded me of the time, when knowing that my old lawn-mower wasn't great I was told that they would be buying me a new one on my birthday, one just like their own. I was grateful and thanked them. After it was bought I was told that to be fair the same amount of cash had been given to my sister who had decided to replace her old sofa with it. My sofa was in a terrible state and I would have much preferred spending the money that way but I was never given the choice. Like you I was also the one that was called on first to help out when they needed it.
They were good parents and have been gone 10 years now, I'm sure they believed they treated us fairly but I know that no matter how old I got I would always be treated as a child.

I'd decline the 'offer'. For me, the cost of not taking the money would be a price worth paying to avoid the years of digs, expectations and conditions on behaviour, and the reminders of their judgement.

If they asked why, I'd tell them.

It’s not a different attitude to money, it’s the fact that there are strings attached to the gift to the OP, where there were none to her sisters’ gift.

This is horrible and I'm sorry you're going through this. My first thought when reading the stipulations they've put on the money, is what brand new car can you buy 25k? That they rate so highly?
Have you thought about being more objective....and maybe a little cold hearted.
You could 1.
Get your mortgage paid off and go for the brand new car, and immediately selling it on..or even back to the dealer ship
You'll lose about 6k but then you have the actual cash buffet...and of course a massive row.

Or 2.
If your sister agrees with you and you have a good relationship, say you'll except the funds to pay of the mortgage but you won't buy the car, then get your sister to ask for the rest, then she can give it straight to you.
Just a thought

The emotional turmoil that this potential gift is causing both you and your family just isn't worth it.
Going forward, don't mention it again. Assume you're not getting it and carry on with your life .

If your mum mentions it then just say, " I don't want a new car, thank you."
Keep saying it.
Let her stew in her broth of your non-compliance.

Which brings up a good pint about deprivation of assets. Wonder how Local Authority will view a £50,000 giveaway if care becomes necessary.

Sorry, missed your post about your Mum going behind your back to your abusive ex.

I might well have cut her off at that point.

If your DSis is really your best friend, can she point out to them how they are treating you? Do it from her own observation?

Would the nearly new car they want you to have incur higher insurance, higher road tax than you can pay / want to pay?

Point, not pint !!

If yo applied just a little bit of reasoning you can tell there is more to the story and a gift with strings is NOT a gift so sod off with your ungrateful bullocks.