to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

I have a controlling, judgemental mother and I wouldn't taken the money. It's not worth the grief, comments and reminders I'd get about it.

OFGS don't use your transactional analysis 101 knowledge and think you understand the totality of the OP's family dynamics. It's an embarrassingly simplistic view of the situation.

Do you also tell depressed people that they just need to change the way they think and get into a good routine?

The other thing to remember is that the gift they wanted to give you and your sister was to pay off both your mortgages. This had to change with your sister because of her change in circumstance : she now needs that money to live but they can still do what they originally wanted to do in your case.

when we buy gifts for people we usually get to pick exactly what we want to give them - colour style etc. Think of it that way, perhaps? Either way it’s not worth kicking up a stink about it.

It’s not necessarily currently true that new cars depreciate. My 2020 car is worth more second hand than I bought it for. The market has changed.

I don't agree with what your parents are doing - but funny cut off your own nose.

It's not fair - but just look at it was your parents buying you a car.

I think I understand where you're coming from. So the mortgage pay-off is a done deal, for which you and your ex are obviously very grateful, but the spare money is to go on a car which they insist on selecting for you? I'm afraid I'd go the sneaky route, graciously accept whatever they chose for you, and then flog it immediately in pristine condition, buy yourself a second-hand car of your choice and keep the rest for savings. Presumably they think you are old enough for them to put the car in your name?

I wouldn’t take a gift from someone I speak about with such disdain. It’s generous that they are offering you this.

You will be so beholden.
I'd rather they kept their money and used it to buy in care as they age. The freedom will be priceless.

I know what family dynamics can be like. I have seen favouritism in action every single day since I met DP many years ago. His parents say he's their 'best', but in fact they treat him like dirt and are constantly buying the affection of two of his four siblings, who they see as having struggled more, which is complete and utter nonsense (in fact the opposite is true.) I don't even think they realise how obvious it is.

I honestly don't have any advice, because it's such a deeply personal choice. It sounds as though you have had years of being second best and that perhaps you are ready to put a bit of emotional distance between you and your parents. If that is the case, then not taking the money would be the right option.

OP please accept the money and buy a car.

If you spend time choosing one that's really cheap to run (a small petrol that's older than about 2017 the fuel and insurance cost will be low, and the annual tax will be £30 a year or less) so with that and being mortgage free might mean you can free up a little bit to save, and hopefully you'll not have any big car bills over the next few years?

Or could you get an electric or hybrid so save on petrol costs unless you don't do much mileage so the extra cost wouldn't be worth the investment?

Don't let them rush you into choosing a car that is poor value to you or expensive to run, because that won't help your situation. Use the high prices and low availability to your advantage. It's a really bad time to buy a car, so it will take time to find one that's suitable and a decent price.

What's your old car worth? Could you sell that separately rather than trading it in and put the money you get for that into savings?

I have to say, @billy1966 you are bang on the money (no pun intended) yet again.

@PyongyangKipperbang - I can't believe that either parent went to discuss something with your EX-husband.

I'd be going ballistic at them for doing that.

He's your ex for a reason (more likely several) and you need to say to your parents that if they do anything, and I mean anything like that again, you'll not be speaking to them ever again and when it comes to their later life care they can swing for it as you'll not be doing it or anything for them in their later life. You're no longer a child as you are a 50 yr old adult with adult children of your own. I'd say they still see you and your sister as children that they must do something for, like help them out with money, but as they have very outdated opinions, they seem to think that the men know all about how to spend the money and the women are just simply housekeepers or mothers (absolutely nothing wrong with either just to say) but don't know what to do with money.

Did your dad hold the purse strings in your house when you were growing up? It's coming across like he did. He earned it, probably gave your mother a housekeeping allowance or something and she probably doesn't think you can manage your own money.

Time to meet this issue head on and deal with it.

I’d use the money to pay off the mortgage and get a car. If you get an unexpected bill, then sell the car.

I would take the money though if it would help me. And I would also start withdrawing on some of the things I do to support my parents as this is where some resentment lies. Yes they are putting terms and conditions around the gift which is annoying. But you can also put some terms and conditions around your gift of time and energy.

I get it. I really do. My mother would never give me money as she has some weird belief that I would squander it (no evidence to support that). So if it were offered on your T&Cs I’d take it because I’d have a new car out of it which is still an asset (and would mean a few years of hopefully problem-free motoring).

This. It's a lot of money. It would help you. A conversation needs to be had. Before you speak to them, research savings accounts with reasonable interest levels and start saving nearly new cars on Trade It. Don't strop - show them a plan.

Hey, gift horse,,open your mouth. I need to make sure you have the right attitude to enter my stable…..

Head on over to the narcissistic mothers thread op

You'll get people who understand your situation more. To outsiders it'll be 'oh but this is a nice thing she's doing' but to the person its happening to it's a long list of abuse and control.

I have had similar. Mostly with food (which seems to be a recurring theme) as I am apparently incapable of serving myself food. In isolation strangers would argue but she's being kind. It's because she cares etc etc. but to me as someone who has repeatedly asked her not to essentially force feed me it's a slow form of torture.

Death by a thousand cuts.

It doesn't surprise me in the least she's gone behind your back to your ex to find out your financial situation.

Head over to the thread. Or the stately homes one. You'll get more targeted advice.

Are you able to talk to your sister and get together with your mum and explain as you have in here. She may well see that she is treating you differently and accept how that makes you feel.
I do think it would be shortsighted of you to turn the money down and if you really wanted to upset the apple cart,know that secondhand cars are holding their value so you could always buy one then sell it! Naughty but makes your point.

What about if you bought a sensible, new-ish (say 5 years old?) car with the funds and used that as your "emergency" fund? You could sell it for a worse car or no car if necessary.

I think at the same time I would set out that you would like to invest some money, and if they say no, they say no. You're not in a worse situation than you are now.

Separately though:

Given the financial situation it sounds like you're in (just about managing, but not currently able to save) - even if cost of living increases do eat most of the mortgage payment saving over the next 12-18 months, you are presumably likely to have at least reduced costs by 250-300 a month which is a decent chunk of cash if you could save it for even 6 months?

I totally understand OP. My parents have treated me similar- my sibling can do no wrong and is trusted with their own decisions and I get dictated to, especially on money matters (I was feckless at 18 but I sorted myself out quickly).

take the money. Pay off your mortgage, but the car. Then put into savings for the next 18 months what your mortgage repayments would have been.

Sell the car later if you have to. You’ll be better off even if the car isn’t what you would have chosen.

Had my car 4 years and it’s worth more than when I bought it! Second hand cars are appreciating or holding their value. It’s crazy.

It's fine to turn down a gift if it won't make you happy. Do you want to fully withdraw from helping them with doctor appointments etc? That's a much bigger question, parents are not around forever. It may be easier to keep things lighter on your side, and ask your sister to step up more.

I completely get where you are coming from, but I think given your situation I would try to beat them at their own game.

Don't say no to the money. They will turn it around into 'you are ungrateful, proud and spoilt', which they will use to justify continuing to treat you like a child, which will make you feel even worse.

So you will feel just as bad and will lose the extra security that that money could give you and your dc.

Instead, I would take out a loan for 25k minus the mortgage amount. Buy the car you want to buy, and invest the rest as you want. Don't explain what you have done with the money, say you needed it for unspecified things to do with the house and the dc. And ask them for the money to pay off your loan. It was meant to pay off debt, right?

With parents like this you either cut them out of your life entirely (which it sounds like you aren't ready to do just yet, specially as you are close to your sister and they would use her to get to you), or you see them as they are and learn to emotionally detach and get what you can out of them. Which in this case is that money. For you to use as you see fit.

I’d take the new car, as you will be able to build up savings now that you no longer have a mortgage to pay.

However it sounds like you have bit of a strained relationship with your parents so maybe take a step back from being at their beck and call if it’s causing resentment?

Have you ever given them a reason to think you’re ‘feckless’ with money?

You’ve done well to pay you’re mortgage, but is there a history here that gives them any legitimate concerns as to how you will manage the money they’re gifting you?

Think it's time you have a frank conversation with your mother.
How on Earth she can set I'll judge you now when you have achieved so much!

Makes no difference whether they asked her first. If my husband had tried to kill me, and my parents initiated any contact with him after we’d separated, I’d never speak to them again.