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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate unexpected house visits. Is it just me?

151 replies

Silverbook · 12/02/2023 22:04

What the title says really. I absolutely hate it when people “just pop in” I honestly hate it. It’s not that I don’t want to see people, I’m generally very sociable and often invite people round/get invited. I just really don’t like people dropping in unannounced as it generally interrupts my plans (even if my plan was doing nothing 🙈).

I mentioned it to my friend and she thought I was being utterly weird. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 13/02/2023 18:47

I hate unexpected guess, it is incredibly rude

Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 18:49

Yanbu x

JoonT · 13/02/2023 18:55

I agree. It’s very bad manners to drop in unannounced. I swear some people do it on purpose, just to catch you out.

youshouldnthaveasked · 13/02/2023 18:56

JoonT · 13/02/2023 18:55

I agree. It’s very bad manners to drop in unannounced. I swear some people do it on purpose, just to catch you out.

Yeah, MIL does this.

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 18:58

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2023 18:47

That wasn’t my question though, but ok.

Have a good evening.

Show quote history

Well, it was - your question was literally “why do people need to be both?”, but this is getting painful now, and derailing the thread.

So agree, have a good evening.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 13/02/2023 19:07

Needing an appointment to see friends and family had always been alien to me

I see the “Making/needing an appointment” line a lot on MN when it comes to this issue (usually in the context of a grandparent complaining they have to “make an appointment to see my own grandchildren”). I always find it a rather strange way to look at it. Making an appointment is something you do with the doctor or the dentist, or the hairdresser - it’s functional/transactional. With friends or family, surely it’s just making arrangements? You’d both like to see the other, so you’re just finding a mutually convenient time instead of just turning up and hoping for the best.

There's been a lot said about unannounced visits being rude from the (reluctant) host’s point of view, but there’s also a practical implication for the visitor. My closest friend - as in physically closest by - lives a 10-15 minute walk away. If I just went by on spec and she wasn’t in, that’s up to half an hour of my time wasted. I appreciate it’s different if you’re very friendly with your neighbours and it only takes 30 seconds, but otherwise, aren’t you just potentially wasting your own time?

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2023 19:08

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 18:58

Well, it was - your question was literally “why do people need to be both?”, but this is getting painful now, and derailing the thread.

So agree, have a good evening.

Show quote history

Yes, to you.

I was asking you that question due to your original post on how dire people are for not wanting unannounced guests which is where I think the confusion started since you later stated you meant it was about people not wanting guests at all which is not what OP was asking about hence me reading your original post as meaning unannounced guests.

Poppelops · 13/02/2023 19:08

My friend and former housemate was one of these "best friends just walk into each others homes and put the kettle on" types. I am a "text me to make an appointment and then I will ensure I have a nice cake in" type, but she had the bolder personality so I kept quiet, so all our friends would just descend on us without warning thinking we both liked it. Noooooooooo! Said friend popped round unexpectedly once after I had moved out and I am ashamed to say I hid and pretended to be at my folks'. I need time to brace myself for social interactions, even with people I love and some days I just can't.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/02/2023 19:21

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 00:58

I actively tell people not to call in/ pop in. They won’t be invited in. Our home is our sanctuary and we do not want anyone else in our space. We see enough of them at work and other people when we are out and about (no living family anymore). I barely tolerate the plumber coming to service the boiler once a year and Dh point blank refuses to deal with anyone called in.
Home is just for us and the cats.

Do you have any children or friends?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 19:42

@Namechangedforthisonetoday no family what so ever - all dead and cremated.
Friends are through work or outside social activities - We meet them there and only there, we always state this explicitly if anyone ever dares to even suggest coming to our home, our home is our sanctuary and an ‘other people’ free zone. Phones will not be answered - people can text or email and doors aren’t answered unless expecting a delivery. Basically what I said in my pp!

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 13/02/2023 19:47

I absolutely hate this too. My sister in law who does not work has 'popped in' twice in the last two weeks despite knowing myself and my husband both work from home. I have to be honest I was very blunt and annoyed last time- I just said we were both in meetings (I wasn't in all honesty but was still working!) and couldn't have her in. The nature of both our jobs is very confidential, lots of data protection issues etc and we don't even sit in the same room.

My mother in law also tried this a few weekends ago despite knowing I don't like it and then text to complain that she has come to see us and we weren't in 😂

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 13/02/2023 20:04

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 19:42

@Namechangedforthisonetoday no family what so ever - all dead and cremated.
Friends are through work or outside social activities - We meet them there and only there, we always state this explicitly if anyone ever dares to even suggest coming to our home, our home is our sanctuary and an ‘other people’ free zone. Phones will not be answered - people can text or email and doors aren’t answered unless expecting a delivery. Basically what I said in my pp!

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I realised after that I sounded quite abrupt. I hope you don’t mind me asking, and feel free to ignore me, I suppose I’m just intrigued, but have you ever had anyone round to your house? Friends etc? Was there a particular tIme when you just thought ‘that’s it, no more’?

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 13/02/2023 20:34

Totally agree. Bring back Jane Austen style calling cards!

Original poster
Silverbook · 13/02/2023 20:40

QueSyrahSyrah · 13/02/2023 18:39

I don't even like unexpected FaceTime calls OP, so I'm totally with you, YANBU Grin

Don't start me on unexpected facetimes... I literally spend so long staring at the phone wondering why on earth they are calling that it rings out and solves the problem!

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2023 20:43

I only hate it because my house is generally a tip with kids toys, snacks etc. everywhere. I like a bit of time to prepare!

ALongHardWinter · 13/02/2023 20:47

I hate this too. My exHs family were notorious for doing this. They thought I was weird for not liking it. I think the reason that they never checked beforehand that it was OK was because they knew that it wouldn't be OK! Thankfully,now he's my ex,I don't have to put up with it any more!

Borborygmus · 13/02/2023 21:04

Your friend is right, you are utterly weird.

shard5 · 13/02/2023 21:37

It's not that I don't like guests, I just want a bit of warning. Even a call when you're setting off or even just coming off the motorway.
There's always kids stuff out or I haven't hoovered yet.
There's no filth just mess, it's not a pigsty it's just lived in and if I'm inviting guests in then I'd feel better if the place was tidy.
I'll never turn anyone away though, if someone turns up unannounced they take us as they find us but its just uncomfortable as a host to know I'll be bring judged (and I will be, no matter what anyone on her says)

RampantIvy · 13/02/2023 21:59

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 19:42

@Namechangedforthisonetoday no family what so ever - all dead and cremated.
Friends are through work or outside social activities - We meet them there and only there, we always state this explicitly if anyone ever dares to even suggest coming to our home, our home is our sanctuary and an ‘other people’ free zone. Phones will not be answered - people can text or email and doors aren’t answered unless expecting a delivery. Basically what I said in my pp!

Why do you feel that no-one can ever step over your threshold?
Do you never invite friends round for dinner?

What is so terrible in your life that your home has to be a fortified sanctuary that no-one other than you can enter?

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound confrontational, but it sounds like you are scared of anyone esle entering your home.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 22:26

@RampantIvy nothing is the matter with our home/house. We just do not wish to have to entertain someone else. We would never not ever have had a dinner party! That’s our idea of absolute hell.
I agree our home is a fortified sanctuary - from other people!! We spend 8-14 hours a day at work or doing other activities involving other people. Quite frankly neither of us wish to see or hear from another person outside of those hours - not even if it was an emergency. We’ve done enough ‘people’ in 24 hours. If We can’t say no at our doorstep - then when can we?
As for being scared - no, we just don’t want anyone else in our private space, but woe betide you if you do try to break in, we don’t ask questions first and have and will be quite prepared to fight back. (An Englishman home is his castle..)

TrishM80 · 13/02/2023 22:31

In general I agree with you, but it also depends on who's visiting. There are some people who's company I love that can drop in any time of the day or night as far as I'm concerned! But then there are others who I find a pain in the arse and I'd want advance notice just to mentally prepare myself for their visit!

SquidwardsBigBlowhole · 13/02/2023 22:31

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 03:10

OP - I can’t honestly believe you thought you were the weird one for not liking unexpected guests.

MN is home of the terminally anti-social, so you’ll get 99% of people agreeing with you very strongly on here.

I don’t mind any sort of guest - expected or unexpected. The way some MNers live, hermit-like, in their ‘sanctuaries’, seems dire to me.

Noot true at all. In my experience it's cultural and has no ties to personality. Could equally be said you're a bit sad and desperate to let anyone who rocks up in your house.

PerilousCorridor · 13/02/2023 22:32

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 19:42

@Namechangedforthisonetoday no family what so ever - all dead and cremated.
Friends are through work or outside social activities - We meet them there and only there, we always state this explicitly if anyone ever dares to even suggest coming to our home, our home is our sanctuary and an ‘other people’ free zone. Phones will not be answered - people can text or email and doors aren’t answered unless expecting a delivery. Basically what I said in my pp!

What has made you so defensive of your house?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 23:23

@PerilousCorridor nothing! But as we have worked hard for everything we have, we don’t want to welcome, with open arms, any burglars who want to take whatever they feel like, without putting up a fight.
As I said in a pp, we work 8- 14 hours a day plus socialising with other people, is it really so odd that the rest of the time we don’t want anyone else to have to interact with? I don’t actually have anytime to make someone else tea and listen to banal conversation if we’ve only got 8-16 hours between shifts - We have far more essential things to do like sleeping, showering, shopping, gardening and eating, driving to and from work, cleaning, house maintenance. We are not going to entertain anyone else in those few precious hours spent not working with the same people we’ve just spent a shift working with.
There are very few, if any, people
free quiet zones anymore, if you can’t accept that some of us require peace, quiet and space from others and choose to make our homes that space within which to do other activities required for life - where do you suggest people like us go? (We seem to be known as introverts🤣) Do we really need to at other beck and call 24/7?
Btw neither of us would never ever rock up to anyones home invited or not invited . I respect that they too have a right to not be interrupted, and Dh would just never entertain the idea of doing so on his own or with me.

Starseeking · 13/02/2023 23:25

I run my home as an open door household, so I quite happy having visitors anytime. I hope this stance will also encourage the DC to feel comfortable that their friends can pop in anytime too, when they are all old enough to do so.

I do generally just carry on around them with whatever I was doing before they arrived lol e.g. if I'm cooking a meal, hanging washing, bathing DC etc, I will continue and finish that before tending to unexpected guests.