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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really hate unexpected house visits. Is it just me?

151 replies

Silverbook · 12/02/2023 22:04

What the title says really. I absolutely hate it when people “just pop in” I honestly hate it. It’s not that I don’t want to see people, I’m generally very sociable and often invite people round/get invited. I just really don’t like people dropping in unannounced as it generally interrupts my plans (even if my plan was doing nothing 🙈).

I mentioned it to my friend and she thought I was being utterly weird. Is it just me?

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 13/02/2023 00:43

I hate it too. Luckily it doesn't happen very often.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 00:47

I dislike non scheduled visits too to the extent that I don't really allow them. Family and friends no longer randomly call round (they know the rules). I have a high threshold for awkwardness in these situations and on the rare occasion it has happened, assuming l've atually answered the door, I've just asked what they want (in case it's important) and send them on their way. I don't lie, or make excuses I just say I'm not up for that.
It's nothing to do with tidiness or being 'in the middle of something', as 9/10 lm just pottering about and relaxing.
I'm glad I can do this

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 00:49

Serious question....why don't you tell him to stop? Or just not let him in?

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 00:53

RampantIvy · 12/02/2023 22:25

You will find that most of mumsnet hates unexpected visitors, won't answer the door and won't answer the phone.

I love unexpected visitors and will answer the door and the phone. I am not a typical mumsnetter.

Not sure it's most. Seems to be a split. I think the ones that don't open the door though is more about not knowing who it is.

What baffles me though is the amount of people who really don't like it, or think it's incredibly rude, yet still invite people in.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 00:58

mycatsanutter · 12/02/2023 22:43

If anyone turns up at mine unexpectedly it means they are interrupting what I'm doing I'm never doing nothing so it depends what mood I am in and who they are as to whether I carry on with what I was doing or stop . So I might mind I might not 🤷‍♀️

@mycatsanutter
Ah, a kindred spirit. One who understands that you can be interrupted whilst 'doing nothing'. No I'm not painting, running a bath or cooking. I might seem to be doing nothing to you, but to me I'm relaxing and doing just as a chose....so bugger 😉
Bet you don't pretend either.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/02/2023 00:58

I actively tell people not to call in/ pop in. They won’t be invited in. Our home is our sanctuary and we do not want anyone else in our space. We see enough of them at work and other people when we are out and about (no living family anymore). I barely tolerate the plumber coming to service the boiler once a year and Dh point blank refuses to deal with anyone called in.
Home is just for us and the cats.

AlwaysLatte · 13/02/2023 01:48

Our friends and family always prearrange. Teens friends just turn up but that's fine by me. Given that ours are always ready to eat, the fridge/cupboard is always well stocked and it's over to them to entertain them!

LadyJ2023 · 13/02/2023 02:56

My family can pop around anytime me and the kids live seeing them and it doesn't matter how the house is. Friends i duno we tend to message arranging it

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 03:10

OP - I can’t honestly believe you thought you were the weird one for not liking unexpected guests.

MN is home of the terminally anti-social, so you’ll get 99% of people agreeing with you very strongly on here.

I don’t mind any sort of guest - expected or unexpected. The way some MNers live, hermit-like, in their ‘sanctuaries’, seems dire to me.

stayathomer · 13/02/2023 04:07

I used to be an unexpected visitor- husband would have to randomly go to my home town for work so I’d ring people I knew to see were they about so I could see them (we live far away). Only one person actively was hugely enthusiastic, the others were very torn so I stopped doing it and for a while saw people very very little but now I’m a little older I totally get it- I run around like a mad thing before people visit now!!!

Iceysuperslide · 13/02/2023 04:08

I love visitors but want some notice, just to be really tidy

Loafbeginsat60 · 13/02/2023 04:22

We live in the middle of nowhere and we are rarely in (farm life) so people don't risk popping by.

In fact we haven't had a visitor in about two years - irs great!!

We do spend a lot of time at my in-laws tho as they also live on the farm. I hope they don't feel like that - we are in and out of their house all the time 😬

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2023 04:55

ComfortablyDazed · 13/02/2023 03:10

OP - I can’t honestly believe you thought you were the weird one for not liking unexpected guests.

MN is home of the terminally anti-social, so you’ll get 99% of people agreeing with you very strongly on here.

I don’t mind any sort of guest - expected or unexpected. The way some MNers live, hermit-like, in their ‘sanctuaries’, seems dire to me.

The way some MNers live, hermit-like, in their ‘sanctuaries’, seems dire to me.

Why?

I think many people see their homes as a place where they’re not “on” and/or where they can relax and not be bothered or expected to be social unless they choose to. It also isn’t antisocial not to want people to visit unannounced. One can be social outside of their home without having to also be social in their home. Why do people need to be both?

I think quite a bit comes down to politeness politics. Not everyone is comfortable just telling someone to leave them be if a visitor shows up at their doorstep unannounced and it is rude to show up if you don’t have that type of relationship and there are plenty of ways to contact someone beforehand. There’s also the unfortunate belief that simply because one is home and doing what someone else sees as nothing or minimal, that person is available when they’re not.

tuvamoodyson · 13/02/2023 05:45

RampantIvy · 12/02/2023 22:25

You will find that most of mumsnet hates unexpected visitors, won't answer the door and won't answer the phone.

I love unexpected visitors and will answer the door and the phone. I am not a typical mumsnetter.

Oh! I’m definitely not a typical Mumsnetter, in any respect! 😂 I’m just here for the niche jobs, hobbies that can’t be named and the massive salads really….

HoppingPavlova · 13/02/2023 05:53

No way I would accept this. I’d just say it’s not suitable unfortunately at the door and it would be great if we could arrange a time suitable for both of us.

countrygirl99 · 13/02/2023 06:03

My in-laws used to "pop round" unexpectedly even though they lived nearly an hour away. At the time I was studying for professional exams in the evenings Monday to Thursday so I could keep weekends free. They eventually got that and started turning up at the weekend when we might be at the supermarket/DIY shop etc. We'd get back to fund them sitting in the car waiting. They only stopped after they sat in the car for 2 hours before giving up. We'd gone out with friends for the day.

Roselilly36 · 13/02/2023 06:06

Depends on the visitor, my late MIL was welcome anytime, she never judged, took the place as she found it, or me. She always helped me. Other visitors, no thanks, I love people, but prefer to invite people over, when it’s convenient. I also wouldn’t dream of turning up on someone’s doorstep, even if they said pop in anytime.

Wishawisha · 13/02/2023 06:13

I know people debate this a lot on MN but I don’t think I’ve EVER had an unexpected visitor as an adult.

I have friends who might text me that they are doing the school run and will be near me in half an hour if I fancy an inpromptu play date - and 90% of the time I’m keen - but it gives me half an hour to straighten up.

I’ll also invite people back after seeing them for coffee or bumping into them, but obviously that’s on my terms and I won’t do it if the house is a tip and vice versa.

But randomly heard the door and it be anyone other than a neighbour looking for a parcel or a delivery driver? Never.

Wishawisha · 13/02/2023 06:21

stayathomer · 13/02/2023 04:07

I used to be an unexpected visitor- husband would have to randomly go to my home town for work so I’d ring people I knew to see were they about so I could see them (we live far away). Only one person actively was hugely enthusiastic, the others were very torn so I stopped doing it and for a while saw people very very little but now I’m a little older I totally get it- I run around like a mad thing before people visit now!!!

If you were ringing ahead I’m not sure that counts does it? This seems very considerate as you’re giving them the chance to say yes or no and not just turning up.

I love it when I get a text or a call from someone in the area randomly suggesting they pop by. I’d be a bit open mouthed if they didn’t call ahead though and just rang the bell, only because it’s never happened.

Original poster
Silverbook · 13/02/2023 06:41

Reassuring to know that I’m not alone. After discussing with my friend who “thinks it’s lovely that people feel comfortable enough just to swing by” I was questioning my attitude. I don’t disagree with the sentiment that’s it’s nice friends feel that the can pop in unannounced, it’s just I’d prefer they didn’t actually do it 😂

OP posts:
Ireolu · 13/02/2023 06:44

I don't mind people stopping round either. Family or friends I am fine. I know this is not the case for everyone though. Culturally we visit without prearranged plans where I am from. Needing an appointment to see friends and family had always been alien to me but I understand that is not status quo here.

RampantIvy · 13/02/2023 06:58

MN is home of the terminally anti-social, so you’ll get 99% of people agreeing with you very strongly on here.

And who live in messy houses and never wear a bra at home Grin

Everyone I know knows I WFH so we never get anyone calling round unexpectedly, and if they did I would just say "lovely to see you but I have a Teams call in a minute, why don't you come by at xx instead".

Oh, and I don't find bras uncomfortable and my house is never too messy if someone called round.

Katjolo · 13/02/2023 07:35

Agreed

youshouldnthaveasked · 13/02/2023 17:30

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2023 04:55

The way some MNers live, hermit-like, in their ‘sanctuaries’, seems dire to me.

Why?

I think many people see their homes as a place where they’re not “on” and/or where they can relax and not be bothered or expected to be social unless they choose to. It also isn’t antisocial not to want people to visit unannounced. One can be social outside of their home without having to also be social in their home. Why do people need to be both?

I think quite a bit comes down to politeness politics. Not everyone is comfortable just telling someone to leave them be if a visitor shows up at their doorstep unannounced and it is rude to show up if you don’t have that type of relationship and there are plenty of ways to contact someone beforehand. There’s also the unfortunate belief that simply because one is home and doing what someone else sees as nothing or minimal, that person is available when they’re not.

Show quote history

Completely agree with you @phoenixrosehere

if @ComfortablyDazed feels comfortable allowing guests in at a seconds notice, good for him/her.

I’m not antisocial, I love to meet up with friends but when I’m at home relaxing in my ‘sanctuary’ I’m not available

daemonologie · 13/02/2023 17:36

Yanbu. I don't like anyone in my rabbit warren. Don't answer the door to visitors or the phone. Planned visits by well meaning people usually gets cancelled.