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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister behaviour

107 replies

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:43

So I live abroad and arranged to come back to the UK to see family and New baby etc. I previously stayed with my sister and her fella a few months ago so asked her again if it would be ok if I stayed with them again. So firstly she said she would ask 'the boss' meaning her partner, then a few days later said yes I can stay but I would have to pay x amount towards the bills! So I said don't worry I'll stay somewhere else as I didn't feel welcome! I would have offered towards the bills as I don't expect to stay anywhere for free but AIBU to think I shouldn't be expected to be charged for staying at my sisters house?? We've had a huge falling out about it this week and it's all my fault!

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/02/2023 19:47

Your DSis is not being unreasonable in her request. You would be getting free lodgings while you were here and with the cost of everything having escalated she is right to request you pay something towards this. It will be cheaper than paying for a hotel. If you have just stayed recently she may think you are taking the piss a bit.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/02/2023 19:47

Did you offer a contribution last time? Was it less than she wants you to pay this time? How long are you over for? Personally I wouldn't ask for money from a sibling unless i couldn't afford to host them. This may be the case here so i think being upfront ia reasonable.

Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 19:49

No you're not being unreasonable in my opinion. If you can't count on family, who can you count on??
I get times are tough but if my sister wanted money off me to stay over I'd tell her to shuv it. I'd offer anyway but to tell you she wants money just seems a bit stingy!

Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 19:49

Yes I did offer last time and I would have given something towards the bills, but to be asked upfront is abit off I think?

OP posts:
ToomuchtodoVerylittletime · 12/02/2023 19:50

How long were you planning to stay with them?

If it's 1-2 nights then I personally wouldn't but if it's like 3+ nights I can see where they are coming from in terms of a little contribution.

Rates and food are expensive at the moment so they might be anxious about their finances.

pawz · 12/02/2023 19:51

How long are you asking to stay for?

The last time you stayed recently, did you offer any contributions to the house? Did you actually give them something towards things?

I think it's totally okay of her to ask for a contribution to things if you're going and staying with them. It's good they're being upfront about it.

dinmin · 12/02/2023 19:51

How long did you stay for last time and how long would it be this time? Maybe their bills shot up when you were there last time and her partner isn’t keen for it to happen again…

AliceOlive · 12/02/2023 19:52

It’s beyond bizarre. Are they angry that you decided to stay elsewhere?

Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 19:52

They have good jobs, I asked her because I thought we were close. My other sister hosts in spain and doesn't expect anything the same as I wouldn't.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 12/02/2023 19:52

Staying with family would be my worst nightmare, I would much prefer my own independence. Be able to come and go as I please and not be accountable to anyone.

AliceOlive · 12/02/2023 19:53

If I couldn’t afford to host family for a few days I would just say no. I would never try to charge them.

UWhatNow · 12/02/2023 19:53

Yeah I’d feel the same op. Book an Airbnb - at least that’s a business transaction. You don’t expect to be presented with the bill up front from family.

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 19:54

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:49

Yes I did offer last time and I would have given something towards the bills, but to be asked upfront is abit off I think?

So all they're doing is making you aware that they'll be accepting this time. I think that's fair enough in case you weren't expecting them to.

FWIW, I wouldn't dream of charging my family and they'd be insulted if I offered money for anything other than food.

But if that's not the way you two operate, I don't think this is as bad as it sounds really.

jacult · 12/02/2023 19:54

It’s not something I would ask of my sibling, but as you were going to offer anyway I’m not sure what the issue is? People are told time and time again on here to be clear upfront (paying a friend for a professional service, splitting a bill of paying your own way). That’s just what she’s done and you were going to offer, so you’re both saying the same thing. Not something I’d fall out about with a sister for.

EmmaDilemma5 · 12/02/2023 19:54

I don't believe you OP, I don't believe you did offer to contribute last time and I think that's why she's asked this time.

YANBU to be disappointed, but YABU to fall out over your sister not wanting to fund your accommodation. Unless you're a child, of course you should offer to help.

Rogue1001MNer · 12/02/2023 19:57

I can't IMAGINE charging family.

I think that's horrendous.

Even if I was on the bones of my arse.
Isn't she excited to see you if you live abroad?

Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 19:58

I'm staying for a week. I could have stayed at my mums but she works nights and I dont want to disturb her, so I asked my friends they had no problem. I've offered towards the bills and bought food.

OP posts:
Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 19:59

EmmaDilemma5 · 12/02/2023 19:54

I don't believe you OP, I don't believe you did offer to contribute last time and I think that's why she's asked this time.

YANBU to be disappointed, but YABU to fall out over your sister not wanting to fund your accommodation. Unless you're a child, of course you should offer to help.

I'm not lying!

OP posts:
Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 20:02

UWhatNow · 12/02/2023 19:53

Yeah I’d feel the same op. Book an Airbnb - at least that’s a business transaction. You don’t expect to be presented with the bill up front from family.

This is exactly where I'm coming from! I wouldn't charge a family member either.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:03

So your problem is that when you offer money, you get upset when it's accepted?

Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 20:04

Rogue1001MNer · 12/02/2023 19:57

I can't IMAGINE charging family.

I think that's horrendous.

Even if I was on the bones of my arse.
Isn't she excited to see you if you live abroad?

Well I thought she might have been and I was looking forward to spending some time with her..

OP posts:
Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 20:05

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:03

So your problem is that when you offer money, you get upset when it's accepted?

No I was expected to pay upfront.

OP posts:
TakeNoTweetsGiveNoQuacks · 12/02/2023 20:06

I wouldn't charge family if they came to stay. Quite often they'll contribute at Christmas as that can get expensive, but we would never ask for payment as if we were a hotel.

The only thing I can think is that they don't really want you to come so they aren't welcoming you with open arms. Harsh, but some people don't like sharing their space with anyone else. Maybe it's something like that, especially from her partner.

Original poster
tukker · 12/02/2023 20:09

TakeNoTweetsGiveNoQuacks · 12/02/2023 20:06

I wouldn't charge family if they came to stay. Quite often they'll contribute at Christmas as that can get expensive, but we would never ask for payment as if we were a hotel.

The only thing I can think is that they don't really want you to come so they aren't welcoming you with open arms. Harsh, but some people don't like sharing their space with anyone else. Maybe it's something like that, especially from her partner.

And that's fair enough if she would have said that, as I had had already said if its not convenient let me know.

OP posts:
TakeNoTweetsGiveNoQuacks · 12/02/2023 20:11

So what did she actually tell you? Just that she'd need to check with 'the boss' 🤢 and then said it'd be ok but you'd need to contribute some money to which you said no thank you as you wouldn't feel welcome?

It isn't great, but like you op, I don't understand why it's become a blazing row.