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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister behaviour

107 replies

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:43

So I live abroad and arranged to come back to the UK to see family and New baby etc. I previously stayed with my sister and her fella a few months ago so asked her again if it would be ok if I stayed with them again. So firstly she said she would ask 'the boss' meaning her partner, then a few days later said yes I can stay but I would have to pay x amount towards the bills! So I said don't worry I'll stay somewhere else as I didn't feel welcome! I would have offered towards the bills as I don't expect to stay anywhere for free but AIBU to think I shouldn't be expected to be charged for staying at my sisters house?? We've had a huge falling out about it this week and it's all my fault!

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/02/2023 12:07

AIBU to think I shouldn't be expected to be charged for staying at my sisters house??
You say you offered last time but it sounds formulaic not a real offer, how would you have reacted if she'd said yes? Since uou7 offered last time, maybe she's formed the impression you're actually happy to pay. Also you asked to visit, you weren't invited, which changes things a bit.

winelove · 13/02/2023 12:30

I can't imagine charging family and one extra person in the house is not exactly going to add ££. I appreciate that the cost of living is much higher but really.
If they were struggling for money then I can understand a contribution would be gratefully received, but she could have explained this to you. "Do you mind giving us a contribution towards food and bills, as things are a bit tight"

Do you think they may have felt put upon last time you stayed?
The way you described it sounds like you may have used it as a hotel and she may have been upset that you didn't spend enough time with her.

I can see why you felt unwelcome though.
Sounds like he was the driver in this or she was using him as an excuse to differ.

Either way it sounds odd. Though having said that I think you need to clear the air with her and sorry to upset you but you thought they would prefer if you stay elsewhere. No worries either way. Maybe compromise spend a couple of days with her and the rest with your friends.

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 12:30

I would never expect, and certainly not ask a family member to 'contribute towards bills'. I would be very grateful to be taken for a lovely meal out, and a bunch of flowers. She is a CF using the COL crisis to her advantage.

Dulra · 13/02/2023 12:43

FGS people are nuts. You are looking to stay a week with your sister and she expects you to contribute towards bills! I put up family members all the time and would never expect anything in return I am delighted to be able to do it. My sister lives overseas and her kids always stay with me when they are back visiting because they don't all fit in my parents house. I have niece and her friends coming to stay for a weekend in a few weeks so they don't have to fork out for a hotel which are extremely expensive in my city. I wouldn't dream of asking or even think of asking for payment. Most people bring a gift and my sister often gives us a voucher for a restaurant as a thank you but I would never expect her to. People have got so mean and unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2023 12:47

tukker · 12/02/2023 20:05

No I was expected to pay upfront.

Show quote history

Do you know their current financial circumstances?

They might really need the money

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 12:56

It’s weird to ask for a fixed sum upfront. Sounds like “the boss” told her to say this. I wouldn’t feel welcome either.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/02/2023 13:03

I would never charge family for visiting us. Looks like she's influenced by "her boss".

Alargeoneplease89 · 13/02/2023 13:03

My brother used to stay at mine all the time to visit people and use my house as a stop gap, never would it occur to me to charge him and we aren't even close siblings.

I'm on a low income were he has a professional career, I'm sure MN is a world of its own judging by responses.

AmyDudley · 13/02/2023 13:04

I would never dream of asking my sister to pay to stay with me - what a bizarre idea, she is family and always welcome. Any member of my family is welcome as are my friends, and I am not well off by any means. Is it a thing now that you charge family to come and stay for a week ? It seems incredibly mean and unwelcoming.

drpet49 · 13/02/2023 13:04

Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 19:49

No you're not being unreasonable in my opinion. If you can't count on family, who can you count on??
I get times are tough but if my sister wanted money off me to stay over I'd tell her to shuv it. I'd offer anyway but to tell you she wants money just seems a bit stingy!

I agree. What a cheapskate.

sunshinenroses · 13/02/2023 13:05

You're being hugely unreasonable

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:07

She didn’t invite you to stay, you invited yourself because it’s convenient for you. You also stayed with them a few months ago. Did they invite you then?

harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 13:07

On Mumsnet, some will think you are being unreasonable.

Most people in the real world would consider your sister the unreasonable one, as do I.

Aurorabored · 13/02/2023 13:09

I’m hoping the ‘new baby’ isn’t this sister’s child.

Sunriseinwonderland · 13/02/2023 13:09

I wouldn't dream of asking my sisters for money to stay with me I'd just be overjoyed to see them.

RealBecca · 13/02/2023 13:16

Sounds like they/she wasnt keen on you being there last time for some reason and wanted to buy time by asking her DH.

You say you were going to offer so just agree an amount and pay it, no point throwing your toys out of the pram, its literally the same outcome - you stay you pay.

Isheabastard · 13/02/2023 13:19

I think I would put this down to the ‘boss’.

Have you stayed with her previously before this fella came on the scene, and was there any suggestion she had wanted money?

She may be being an arse, or she could be stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be upset by her behaviour, but just bear in mind that if the ‘boss’wants to isolate her from her family, he’s just had his first success.

Im only sharing this viewpoint because it’s happened to me.

Original poster
tukker · 13/02/2023 15:21

I guess I misunderstood what 'family' means when we have always been so close before. I go to my sisters in Spain for a week and don't expect to pay board, the same as if family members want to come to visit me. Food is a different matter as everyone contributes. I've been staying at a friend's house who didn't want paying and I've contributed food. If I do ever come back to the UK I will do a B&B. Thanks for the point of views.

OP posts:
MondayTuesdayWednesday · 13/02/2023 16:16

You're not being unreasonable at all!

I think it is shocking that they expected you to pay and basically gave you an amount upfront. It does sound like maybe this is coming from your sister's partner though. Maybe that is how he was brought up and how his family work and she is being influenced by that or is trying to discourage you from staying with them.

I would be horrified if any of my family did this.

MargaretThursday · 13/02/2023 16:26

Op has said that she just "basically just slept there and had a quick shower". I suspect they'd thought she'd come to see them, and found that the Op was using them as a B&B service. I'd be pretty upset if my dsis asked to come and stay and then we saw nothing of her because she was just sleeping there.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/02/2023 16:27

Depends - if it was for a week or so, YANBU. If it was going to be months, YABU.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/02/2023 16:30

The problem is it's not cheap to host people at home these days. My dd stays with me 50% of the time and I really notice the increase in my living costs in her weeks.

I hosted family over Xmas and it cost me a fortune in energy bills, food etc. not to mention the extra costs of washing and drying linen etc. just because she's got a big house and a good job, doesn't mean she's not counting the coats as we all are.

I think yabu. It doesn't mean she's being mean, she's being sensible and I'm sore it would have been a she'd load cheaper than an Airbnb no doubt

Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 16:32

YANBU X

clairelouwho · 13/02/2023 16:34

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:49

Yes I did offer last time and I would have given something towards the bills, but to be asked upfront is abit off I think?

Why?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 13/02/2023 16:44

tukker · 13/02/2023 15:21

I guess I misunderstood what 'family' means when we have always been so close before. I go to my sisters in Spain for a week and don't expect to pay board, the same as if family members want to come to visit me. Food is a different matter as everyone contributes. I've been staying at a friend's house who didn't want paying and I've contributed food. If I do ever come back to the UK I will do a B&B. Thanks for the point of views.

She asked you to pay but you intended to pay anyway. So there isn't a problem? (Unless your idea of a contribution was smaller than hers?)

Hosting works best if everyone does it - even amongst family. (It does tend to be less formal with family - but people who stay do tend to bring suitably generous presents or buy in more than enough food/drink or take hosts out etc. and in the end no-one feels put-on or out-of-pocket.)

Does your sis stay at your place sometimes? If not, are you sure that you are being generous enough when you stay with her?