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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister behaviour

107 replies

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:43

So I live abroad and arranged to come back to the UK to see family and New baby etc. I previously stayed with my sister and her fella a few months ago so asked her again if it would be ok if I stayed with them again. So firstly she said she would ask 'the boss' meaning her partner, then a few days later said yes I can stay but I would have to pay x amount towards the bills! So I said don't worry I'll stay somewhere else as I didn't feel welcome! I would have offered towards the bills as I don't expect to stay anywhere for free but AIBU to think I shouldn't be expected to be charged for staying at my sisters house?? We've had a huge falling out about it this week and it's all my fault!

OP posts:
Azandme · 13/02/2023 16:53

tukker · 13/02/2023 11:13

Last time I stayed it was for 5 days and I basically just slept there and had a quick shower, I sorted my own food out. She didn't want any money last time so I bought her a present to say thanks. Like I said I would have offered her money again as I dont expect to stay anywhere for free but this has escalated and now we are not talking! I won't be returning to the UK again anytime soon.

Well this is very telling...

So last time you treated their home like a hotel...and now you're offended because they want a contribution to costs like in an, um, hotel?

If my brother came to stay, then "basically just slept" here I'd find that incredibly rude - that isn't how you behave when staying in a family home.

It sounds to me like they've decided that you see their home as a free hotel, and they're treating you accordingly.

FYI - staying at someone's home, then just using it to sleep and shower is bloody rude. I'm not even going to mention inviting yourself.

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 16:59

tukker · 13/02/2023 15:21

I guess I misunderstood what 'family' means when we have always been so close before. I go to my sisters in Spain for a week and don't expect to pay board, the same as if family members want to come to visit me. Food is a different matter as everyone contributes. I've been staying at a friend's house who didn't want paying and I've contributed food. If I do ever come back to the UK I will do a B&B. Thanks for the point of views.

Don’t be so dramatic!

Okey, so you’re freeloading around the world, that much is clear.
You say you’d do the same ’if’ they’d visit you.
So you haven’t actually had any family stay at your.

I’d be annoyd of anyone inviting themselves to my house and not even spent any time with me.
Just to use me for free bed and shower.
Rude!

IamnotSethRogan · 13/02/2023 17:06

I would absolutely not charge my sister and she would never charge me.

No one with any sort of normal sibling relationship would think this was OK.

Original poster
tukker · 13/02/2023 17:08

Azandme · 13/02/2023 16:53

Well this is very telling...

So last time you treated their home like a hotel...and now you're offended because they want a contribution to costs like in an, um, hotel?

If my brother came to stay, then "basically just slept" here I'd find that incredibly rude - that isn't how you behave when staying in a family home.

It sounds to me like they've decided that you see their home as a free hotel, and they're treating you accordingly.

FYI - staying at someone's home, then just using it to sleep and shower is bloody rude. I'm not even going to mention inviting yourself.

Show quote history

Why is it telling? I had things to do so they were happy with that plus I didn't want to get in the way of their routine. Plus I didn't invite myself, I asked, isn't there a difference??

OP posts:
Original poster
tukker · 13/02/2023 17:11

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 16:59

Don’t be so dramatic!

Okey, so you’re freeloading around the world, that much is clear.
You say you’d do the same ’if’ they’d visit you.
So you haven’t actually had any family stay at your.

I’d be annoyd of anyone inviting themselves to my house and not even spent any time with me.
Just to use me for free bed and shower.
Rude!

Show quote history

'Freeloading around the world'?! Seeing my other sister in spain when invited?

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 13/02/2023 17:15

IamnotSethRogan · 13/02/2023 17:06

I would absolutely not charge my sister and she would never charge me.

No one with any sort of normal sibling relationship would think this was OK.

I agree
even if she was off out most of the time doing her own thing in the day

Whiskeypowers · 13/02/2023 17:16

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 16:59

Don’t be so dramatic!

Okey, so you’re freeloading around the world, that much is clear.
You say you’d do the same ’if’ they’d visit you.
So you haven’t actually had any family stay at your.

I’d be annoyd of anyone inviting themselves to my house and not even spent any time with me.
Just to use me for free bed and shower.
Rude!

Show quote history

Freeloading?
she’s her sister and it’s a week

your comment is ridiculous

Daizie · 13/02/2023 17:16

What kind of sister charges towards bills for their sister staying for a few days?

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 17:18

tukker · 13/02/2023 17:11

'Freeloading around the world'?! Seeing my other sister in spain when invited?

Show quote history

Yeah!

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 17:22

Whiskeypowers · 13/02/2023 17:16

Freeloading?
she’s her sister and it’s a week

your comment is ridiculous

Show quote history

Well, I haven’t made it into habit to invite myself to someone’s home, not spend any time with them (and then insist about family(?) all for free.

That is truly bizzare behaviour to me.

Also, op didn’t answer if she has actually hosted anyone in her home.
Just melodrama and promises how mich she’s do it gor others….

Bansheed · 13/02/2023 17:31

We live in a hub city. People often pass through en route to further long haul destinations. My family, if they stay, may take us out for a meal over the week. We insist on treating them etc. That is normally 8 visits a year. Friends may arrive with a few bottles of duty free and offer to take us out for a meal too, but no more.

If we stay with friends in the UK, I take presents, insist on buying food and sometimes send flowers if it feels appropriate.

Charging a sister for bills is insulting to the relationship

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/02/2023 17:42

OP maybe she's asking you to contribute to bills because you run up quite a bit last time and they weren't expecting to host you again so soon.

I have a good job and used to host a lot of family and friends for long weekends as I live in a lovely part of the country . The costs all mount up over the year.

My Dsis used to stay for a week at a time. She thought the £40 train fair to get to me pricey. But in winter syed put heating on all the time (it was slightly annoying at the time but now days that'd cost me £2.49 an hour in my old house in current COL crisis alone!) , take two showers a day, she had special diet which wasn't cheap so my shopping bill would go up )50 extra for her food and she'd still eat through all the snacks in the house & encourage my DCs too! ! She'd stay up late and sleep in late , so DCs and I would be trying to keep quiet til 2pm ...!! And the rest...

Good job I loved her to bits. Cos there were some visits I thought she takes over our house, our routines and she's bloody expensive to host!
She would use most of her AL each year visiting her sis & nieces and nephew in the countryside (me 😁)

OhClunge · 13/02/2023 17:43

I agree with you @DoomedForLoneliness

Original poster
tukker · 13/02/2023 18:35

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 17:22

Well, I haven’t made it into habit to invite myself to someone’s home, not spend any time with them (and then insist about family(?) all for free.

That is truly bizzare behaviour to me.

Also, op didn’t answer if she has actually hosted anyone in her home.
Just melodrama and promises how mich she’s do it gor others….

Show quote history

I have hosted people in my home in the UK and abroad for zero cost!

OP posts:
juliettesmother · 13/02/2023 18:35

I live abroad and I learnt pretty early on to weed out the people who are looking for a freebie holiday and those who are coming to visit us, to spend time with us.

The country I live in in very expensive compared to the UK so I always tell my family and friends to save their money and treat us to fish and chips or something when we come to visit.

I never charge family to come and stay with us, and family have never charged me, but I always pay for the food shopping or similar I am here (esp as I often have DC with me too).

Clarabell77 · 13/02/2023 18:56

You are not being unreasonable. “The boss” would be the one finding himself a B&B if I was your sister.

Whiskeypowers · 13/02/2023 18:57

DoomedForLoneliness · 13/02/2023 17:22

Well, I haven’t made it into habit to invite myself to someone’s home, not spend any time with them (and then insist about family(?) all for free.

That is truly bizzare behaviour to me.

Also, op didn’t answer if she has actually hosted anyone in her home.
Just melodrama and promises how mich she’s do it gor others….

Show quote history

No it’s you who is being melodramatic labelling her a freeloader.

she has stayed at her sisters once before and gone out and about doing her own thing. What’s freeloading about that? We are talking about family here.
it’s neither here nor there whether the OP has “hosted” family at hers she’s made it clear she would not - regardless of what we’d their plans were - bill them for staying in her home.

Dumbo18 · 13/02/2023 19:00

I don’t know anyone in real life that would charge family to stay with them for a week, mumsnet is a strange old place

saraclara · 13/02/2023 19:05

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2023 12:47

Do you know their current financial circumstances?

They might really need the money

Show quote history

Exactly how would the OP be adding to their bills? She sorted out her own food last time, so all I can think of is her shower and the cost of washing her bed linen after the stay.

orangelous · 13/02/2023 19:05

i bet it's the partner.
My sister lived with us on and off for years when things weren't going so well for her . Now she's got a controlling partner i'm not even allowed to pop in fir a cup of tea. !
i agree it's really upsetting

Chickpea17 · 13/02/2023 19:09

tukker · 13/02/2023 11:13

Last time I stayed it was for 5 days and I basically just slept there and had a quick shower, I sorted my own food out. She didn't want any money last time so I bought her a present to say thanks. Like I said I would have offered her money again as I dont expect to stay anywhere for free but this has escalated and now we are not talking! I won't be returning to the UK again anytime soon.

So you're upset over you need to pay for something that you was already going to offer to pay for? Makes absolutely no sense at all to me.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2023 19:12

Is it her who's had the new baby @tukker ?

MarceyMc · 13/02/2023 19:24

Dumbo18 · 13/02/2023 19:00

I don’t know anyone in real life that would charge family to stay with them for a week, mumsnet is a strange old place

Also came to see this!! I wouldn't dream of charging a family member to stay, the thought wouldn't even cross my mind! When we've hosted before people have generally done sometime like pay for a meal out or a takeaway to say thank you, when we've stayed away we've done the same and taken alcohol, food, etc., as little gifts.

I also don't know anyone in real life that would have this mindset!

IrritableCowSyndrome · 13/02/2023 20:30

I would NEVER expect family to pay towards bills if they were just visiting.

If they moved in for a period of time then that's a different thing!

Tillow4ever · 13/02/2023 20:52

I don't get this... why would people rather pay a stranger/business than make a contribution to family or friends? I mean, unless the OP's sister is asking for more than a hotel would charge, why cut your nose off to spite your face by paying to stay at a hotel instead and causing this big rift? And I say this as someone who wouldn't consider charging for someone to stay with me - but I certainly wouldn't object to paying to stay with someone!

It's like people who say they'd rather get a stranger to do professional work for them than pay a friend full rate in the same profession because they think the friend should provide it discounted or for free. Why wouldn't people want to give their friend the money?

I know that goes beyond the OP, but it's something I see a lot on here. I just don't get it. I'd rather pay my friend £100 than a stranger the same amount!