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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister behaviour

107 replies

tukker · 12/02/2023 19:43

So I live abroad and arranged to come back to the UK to see family and New baby etc. I previously stayed with my sister and her fella a few months ago so asked her again if it would be ok if I stayed with them again. So firstly she said she would ask 'the boss' meaning her partner, then a few days later said yes I can stay but I would have to pay x amount towards the bills! So I said don't worry I'll stay somewhere else as I didn't feel welcome! I would have offered towards the bills as I don't expect to stay anywhere for free but AIBU to think I shouldn't be expected to be charged for staying at my sisters house?? We've had a huge falling out about it this week and it's all my fault!

OP posts:

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:12

tukker · 12/02/2023 20:05

No I was expected to pay upfront.

Show quote history

Yes but you offered last time and you said you were going to offer this time.

So all they're doing is giving you fair notice that this time they'll be accepting.

Noonesperfect · 12/02/2023 20:13

Would they be providing most of your meals? Food is very expensive lately? Also it sounds like the BOSS (her husband) has dictated this. For all you know she might not want to have asked for money, but maybe he insisted. What are the dynamics in their relationship? They've probably been arguing about it. Maybe your sister is between a rock and a hard place. 🤷‍♀️

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:15

Giving them the benefit of the doubt here but perhaps they're struggling for money.

I know everyone on MN says they know all about someone else's finances on these sort of threads, but unless you have access to their bank statements, you don't truly know.

BirdyBoop · 12/02/2023 20:17

Do they have a large house?

A week is a long time to stay with someone. I really struggle having people stay in my house, even people I love.

Maybe her partner doesn't like it.

I love my family but I find it very stressful having them stay for more than a night or two.

Original poster

tukker · 12/02/2023 20:22

BirdyBoop · 12/02/2023 20:17

Do they have a large house?

A week is a long time to stay with someone. I really struggle having people stay in my house, even people I love.

Maybe her partner doesn't like it.

I love my family but I find it very stressful having them stay for more than a night or two.

No its not a large house. And I would have been buying my own food and out most of the day like last time. They aren't struggling for money they are quite open about how much money they have!

OP posts:

iwanttoholdyourhand · 12/02/2023 20:31

Skyeheather · 12/02/2023 20:32

Sounds like they don't want you to stay (or more likely your sisters partner doesn't want you to stay). That's fair enough, it's his home too. Maybe they want it to be just them and their new baby?

For a week just stay in a hotel, or if it's just your sister you're hear your see maybe just stay a couple of days? Or call round for the day?

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 20:32

I think it’s fine to ask for a contribution and I don’t think that means that they don’t want you there.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/02/2023 20:33

I dont charge family, ever, and I dont charge close friends, likewise they don’t charge. In this case I wouldn’t stay, not would I let them stay with me if they wanted to come for a holiday. Works both ways

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 20:33

I personally would stay in a hotel anyway as then you have your own space.

Dymaxion · 12/02/2023 20:34

What did you do last time ? Did you take them out for a meal , got a takeaway for everyone, bought some food and cooked them a meal ? I do at least one or two of those things if staying with someone, even for a couple of nights.

Abba123 · 12/02/2023 20:38

I would NEVER charge family to stay with me - not food or board or electric or anything.

If they planned to stay more than 6 months, I’d need to sit down and make sure that I wasn’t out of pocket but besides that as long as they cleaned up the house that’s be welcome.

If I was asked to pay, I’d go get myself a bnb too.

SkyIsTheLimits · 12/02/2023 20:40

How ridiculous. We have hosted DH brother for 2 weeks & his kids for 3 weeks. Never would I ask for money. If you can’t just say No. how much did she ask for Op?

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:40

They aren't struggling for money they are quite open about how much money they have!

That doesn't mean it's true.

Either way, if you're happy to offer and they're happy to ask I don't see an issue.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 12/02/2023 20:53

Sounds like "the boss" is laying down the law about you making a payment , perhaps he doesn't really want you there. Does he control your sister in other ways?

Original poster

tukker · 13/02/2023 11:13

Last time I stayed it was for 5 days and I basically just slept there and had a quick shower, I sorted my own food out. She didn't want any money last time so I bought her a present to say thanks. Like I said I would have offered her money again as I dont expect to stay anywhere for free but this has escalated and now we are not talking! I won't be returning to the UK again anytime soon.

OP posts:

Hesma · 13/02/2023 11:28

I think that’s fair enough, cost of living is crazy over here right now. She has done the right thing mentioning it in advance to avoid unnecessary surprises

Mysmallgarden · 13/02/2023 11:31

Food and fuel bills are getting more expensive by the week right now, so I would expect a small contribution if I offered to host someone. I don't think your sister is being unreasonable.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 11:42

It's not off at all to ask for a contribution from someone especially if theye invited themself. You've indicated that you paid before so what is the issue this time? Is she asking a lot more than you expected (though very good value I'd imagine) or just the fact that she's asked up front. Surely that's better than waiting until leaving day and potentially having awkwardness as you hand over a tenner. A week is a long time to have extras in your home.
By all means stay in an Airbnb or something if you feel she's over charging but is it really something to fall out over?

dapsnotplimsolls · 13/02/2023 11:47

She's probably caught between you and her DP - as others have suggested, it was probably him that mentioned the money.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 11:48

tukker · 12/02/2023 20:04

Well I thought she might have been and I was looking forward to spending some time with her..

Show quote history

Probably not excited to have her over for a whole week when she was staying at theirs only a few months ago.

Pansypotter123 · 13/02/2023 11:49

Why did she have to ask "the boss"? Who put him in charge?

fizzandchips · 13/02/2023 11:54

Please don’t fall out with your sister - she’s already referred to her partner as ‘the boss’ and said she’ll get back to you. Please don’t allow him to come between you and your sister. I might be making a huge leap, but be mindful that she might just be passing on what he said and feels dreadful, but can’t tell you.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 11:58

"I won't be returning to the UK again anytime soon."

@tukker why is that? Last time you visited you said you just slept there and didn't share meals etc so l'm assuming you didn't come over specifically to see your sister, just used their home as a cheap base. Why are you now saying you wont visit any of these people anymore. Why can't you pay for accomodation next time or stay a few nights at your friends' homes or your mums? Seems a bit extreme to say you're not gonna visit the UK again...

roarfeckingroarr · 13/02/2023 12:06

Charging family for a week is outrageous. A month or two, I could sort of see it.

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