To be sick of giving this woman a lift home?

[MinceandMash]

I’ve got into a habit of giving a woman in my hobby group a lift home. To begin with it was done as a favour but now I feel like it’s become expected and she’s started to wait around for me at the end of a session. One time when I wasn’t able to attend she messaged me on FB asking where I was! I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. For context she lives about five minutes away from me but in the opposite direction meaning I have to drive to her house and then back on myself to get home. She doesn’t drive or own a car so car sharing isn’t an option. How the hell do I get out of this without coming across as a bitch?

How much money? 😂😂

You get it's cumulative don't you ...? Plus, I think it's also because the friend is now expecting it, which is quite different from when you do someone a favour ... or when you're friends with someone ...

Why does giving someone a lift mean that you can't get petrol?

It is exactly out of the way as OP has to drive past her own house to drop the CF off. How is it OP's problem that CF doesn't drive?

OP I'd suggest saying that you'll take her to back to yours and then she can walk from there.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Isnt it odd how the "be kind" BS crew always appear when they need a favour and yet the "be kind" sentiment never seems to be reciprocated back to the person doing all the work when they start getting tired of being constantly inconvenienced. No be kind to them- nope, they get guilted and shamed and told they arent kind. Its this exact message that causes people to become people pleasers with no boundaries and yes, this is exactly why many people are unable to express their needs to others like adults because women especially have been brought up not to rock the boat and to agree to everything because thats what "nice" women do. Its BS. This person is a CF and I would not continue giving her a lift. What did she do prior to you joining the group?- I bet she managed to get there and back then didnt she?-You arent her free taxi service so tell her no next time.

The colleague I often give a lift to bought me a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates for Christmas to say thank you. I didn’t expect it at all but also I know if I were struggling they’d reciprocate. That’s the big difference here. It’s appreciated.

So tell her you're going to the shops?? It's really not difficult!

You would ask for a contribution for a four minute round trip?

No - for the whole trip, including the larger part from the venue back to our house.

Please explain why we should bear the full cost of running a car, while passenger gets a regular lift and pays nothing?

Exactly this. If the OP never attended this group the woman would have to pay for public transport back so she should give that money she has saved to the OP. She’s still better off as bus fare is nowhere near what a taxi would cost so she’s still getting a good deal out of this by getting a car ride home for the cost of the bus. It’s about manners and showing appreciation. Honestly it’s no wonder some people in this thread say they feel drivers get resentful if they never offer to contribute anything - then they act absolutely baffled as to why the drivers seem pissed off. Seems like some people are lacking even the most basic of social skills 🙄

Assuming the hobby is approx 40wks per year, that is 5 mins past the house and 5 mins back X 40. That’s a total of 6hrs and 40mins worth of fuel and time she is hoovering for free. Not knowing what the roads are like in the area, I’m not going to go into wear and tear, etc.

I'd say no to that too @JudgeJ !

I actually enjoy my own company and love to put on a podcast and sometimes don't want to talk.

All these people saying it's nice to do people a favour, yes it can be, if you have a choice over whether you are doing it but this is a situation where it sounds like OP doesn't feel like she has a choice. I wouldn't like that either.

Send her a message before your next hobby group saying, 'I won't be able to give you a lift tonight or in the future as I am now having to go somewhere else before I go home.'
E.g. Pick up one of the kids from their hobby/ visit a relative/ onto another hobby. Don't say supermarket or you'll end up doing your weekly shop together.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 “If the UK had a different attitude, and took personal responsibility and stopped being lazy and learned to drive they'd have less people out of work.” Horrible stereotype there that socioeconomic disadvantaged people in the UK are lazy. Many are struggling economically so driving lessons, driving tests, buying a car, insurance and car tax are just not viable which limits job choices and so perpetuating the poverty cycle.

I w

I had to do this a few years ago. Worked out fine. I don't mind the occasional lift... But not all the time.

Do you have her phone number? You need to text her before you get to the hobby group telling her "Hi Jane, just to let you know that I'm not in a position to give you a lift home going forwards. I wanted to let you know so that you have time to arrange an alternative way home. See you at Hobby Group later on".

Don't expand on why you can't give her a lift home. Just repeat that you can't give her a lift home if she tries to pull a fast one. If, when you're leaving, you see her putting on her coat as if to get in the car with you, stand firm and repeat that you're not able to give her a lift home and that she needs to find an alternative way to get home.

Best of luck!

I would say you are picking a cousin up from work for the next few weeks as their car is broken. Hopefully then she will just stop asking.

I have a lady in work who does this to me (but not as bad). She gets picked up every single day by a family member because she comes in in heels and thinks she's above walking home. When he can't get her, she will ask me. I live in the complete opposite direction. She also asks for lifts everywhere on lunch when she could walk there in 10 minutes. Piss take.

If the OP never attended this group the woman would have to pay for public transport back so she should give that money she has saved to the OP

Not quite. There are rules around accepting money for giving lifts - for both insurance and tax reasons, it can’t be any more than the actual cost of taking the car on the journey. HMRC accept 45p per mile as a reasonable estimate for that, with no evidence of actual costs required. If the bus fare was that, or less than that, then the woman could indeed give it to the OP. That might make her think twice about needing the lift so much.

I regularly give lifts to people who are not friends, colleagues or even known to me. I do it through a charity, which organises everything. And I receive 45p per mile for every mile I drive. The intention is that, although I give my time freely, I should not be out of pocket for the use of my car. I also give lifts to other members of my walking group. The organiser of that has a rule of thumb of 25p per mile, to be shared between all passengers, with the driver not counted.

Both of those recognise that there is a significant cost to running a car - it is not just the petrol, it’s the servicing, tyres and so on (which are mileage related), insurance, tax, and - the biggest cost of all - buying the thing in the first place.

It is good for lots of reasons for car journeys to be shared. But it is not reasonable IMO to expect the driver to bear the full cost - even if it does not involve them going out of their way.

Note that the OP does not describe the passenger as a friend. She’s just somebody she met through the hobby group. She should feel under no obligation to offer a lift at all if she doesn’t want to. If she chooses to, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for a contribution.

You misunderstand me I was talking about the UK non-driving culture in general regarding driving, because there are so many posters on here that say they 'don't drive' and they're middle class, not just low socioeconomic.

And as I said, even the poorest of the poor in other countries still have driving lessons, tests, and buy a car etc. Even the poorest socioeconomic people manage to do it. And those on welfare. So it's not really a justification because poor people in other countries do it, so there is no reason they can't in the UK.

You're aware it's not taught in schools here and costs £20-30 an hour aren't you?

Honestly I think it’s clear on this thread who the CFs are and who the people who have been taken advantage of by CFs are.

First, can we stop telling people to be kind and just do something even if it inconveniences them? OP has been kind in giving lifts thus far and now she feels roped into an arrangement she didn’t agree to.

Yes the financial cost may be negligible but it all adds up. In fact, OP is potentially saving this woman quite a bit in public transport fees and as such an offer to contribute should be made. Even if the offer would be refused it’s still nice to offer and shows an acknowledgment of the favour being done.

If OP booked a taxi to go home one night and this woman decided to cadge a lift home and share the taxi, wouldn’t she be expected to pay half the cost of the whole taxi fare and not just the cost of the difference between their two houses? So why shouldn’t she be expected to contribute to the whole journey?

It seems that the be kind crew on this thread are also the same people balking at the idea of this or any other CFer contributing financially when OP is actively saving them money whilst being put out of pocket.

A lot of non drivers are like this. They don’t want the hassle, effort and expense of learning to drive and running a car, but are more than happy to benefit from those of us who do. Maybe just a thought for all the CFs on the thread who think OP should continue to be taken a lend of for the sake of being kind whilst receiving no kindness in return.

Unfortunately it's not taught in schools where I live either, and the cost here is more like 50-70 an hour, but through societal expectations you spend that money, even when you're on the dole, because it's expected of you. If it's a expectation you don't think about the cost much more than you think about paying taxes. It's just something you have to do.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 Utter rubbish, frankly. Driving lessons are £40 hour, and LOTS of people can't afford it. And anyway, driving lessons need to be more than monthly, so the cost adds up.

Why should she "like" her? She's just some random starnger who happens to attend a group the OP goes to, not her bestie. Perhaps you are ok with doing whatever randon strangers want you to, but not everyone is. It is unreasonable for someone to expect a lift every week just because they want one. If the women had anything about ther then she would have at least offered a contribution to the extra petrol being used.

OP, I agree with others that a simple, sorry, but I can't offer you a lift - no explanation is necessary because you don't owe her a lift.

Excuses. It is very expensive where I am, but there is NO CHOICE but to do it. To not do it, is not an option. If you have no option, you do it.